Wednesday, July 12, 2006

And the gifts keep rollin' in...

Thank you to Miles Meezer for bestowing upon me one of the gifts on my blogiversary registry. The generous Miles (an esteemed member of my Tomcat Stable), provided me with the Pink Leather Stainless Steel Flask to hold all of my booze--complete with my name on it (so, when I lose it bar-hopping, I am sure to get it back). Thank you, Miles, for the first of a squillion gifts I am sure I will be receiving for my first blogiversary!

A cigarette holder--with my name engraved, arrived today from Boni, Sanjee, Mini, Pepi and Gree. They said something about their "Cat Staff" having something to do with it too, but I'm pretty sure the "Cat Staff" wouldn't have thought to have it engraved. Only felines are that thoughtful! Now I can look elegant and luxurious (like I don't already) as I smoke my nicotine-filled-highly-addictive-cigarettes-that-will-dramatically-shorten-my-life-but-still-make-me-look-exquisite. It's all about the glamour, right?

A lovely bikini top was given to me by Gemini, Georgia and Cheysuli. I love it--it's the perfect color and style (maybe because I was so specific on my registry. I do have to give props to that band of awesome cats, though, because they knew exactly how to follow my instructions. And, per usual, they were very generous and loving in their presentation. At first, I regretted that they only bought me one, because I have so many nipples, but then I laughed as I realized how well they know me! They know I love to let my nips fly in the wind and having only one halter allows me to do that! Nice! The other thought I had was that, so far, my gifts have been engraved--except this one. Maybe my mom will embroider my name on each cup. Or better yet! Maybe she can embroider nipples!! Of course, that would defeat the purpose of covering my natural ones, right? I need to think this through.

Abby the Manx gave me an authentic emerald necklace! While it was not on my registry (an oversight, I am sure), that cat knows my taste and my love for everything bling! What she lacks in the tail department (oh, so precious stub), she makes up for in thoughtfulness and generosity!

And how thoughtful of Brandywine! Even though she doesn't have a blog of her own, she emailed me a gift from cyberspace! From her description (small, cylindrical, takes one AAA battery to work...can see me through some tough times alone...), I was expecting a more "intimate" gift than a Maglight Flashlight. Despite the fact that cats' eyes have a squillion little reflectors in them, making it easy for us to see in the dark, I am sure I'll find use for that...flashlight.

Zeusie (only I--and probably his mom--can call him that) gave me a Ferrari F430 Spider--in silver, to match my luxurious coat. I can not wait to speed around the house in this beauty (since I'm not allowed outside)! My fur will be blowing in the breeze and I will increase my man-catch by 52%--at least! I only hope, when Zeus rides shotgun with me, that he doesn't cramp my man-catching style! I'm sure, since he is part of my Tomcat Stable, he is used to being grouped with other suitors...

Princess Ziporah (who has to endure the unflattering nickname of "Zippy" from her human captors) is without a blog, but was insistent upon sending me a gift. What an incredibly sweet fellow-royal! She sent me a Louis Vuitton pet carrier in which I can tote Brach around the living room! Because she is so sweet (and this part I took issue with, but am letting it slide), she also sent BRACH some multi-colored mice (his favorite). Princess Ziporah, you've set a dangerous precedent with my brother. Now he's going to expect presents every time I'm being honored (which is, like...always). Whatever, Brach. You got your present, now shut it!

I was especially thrilled to receive a second Louis Vuitton pet carrier from Mia and Ghost! I know what you're saying: "But, Kukka...two designer pet carriers?" I must admit, when I registered for one, I really wanted to ask for two, but thought that might seem too greedy. Now, I not only will I enjoy carrying Brach around the living room in one of them, we also can compete in "Bumper Louis Vuitton Pet Carriers!" Oh, yes! If I can convince my mom to install wheels and small motors on these things, we can slam into one another (and the furniture) all day long! Hours and hours of fun to be had!

Aloysius Katz, dripping with impeccable taste, provided me a beautiful (and expensive...yay!) Golden Ceramic Bowl by Polia Pillin, circa 1964. While Aloysius suggests I might dine on Ahi Tuna from this piece of art, I recognize my mother will probably fill it with tap water and expect me to drink from it. OR...she will display it on some high shelf, pretending it is her bowl. Not cool. If that happens, I'm pretty sure, in a blind rage, I would end up whipping it off the shelf and breaking it. Yeah, I am going to have to hide this from her. I wish I could trust that she wouldn't provoke me!

In the spirit of "modesty" (whatever that is...), The Crew sent lovely bikini bottoms to match the top I received earlier in the week! Apparently, the cross-dressing cyber-postman intercepted the panties and was sinfully sporting them under his government-issued uniform. Kinky bastard! My mom had to wash those bottoms a squillion times before I was willing to allow them to touch my fur, but I am delighted to report, they fit me like a glove and I am half-heartedly confident I won't get a sexually transmitted disease from that creepy dude! I am so sorry, Crew, that they took so long to arrive and I was delinquent in thanking you properly. I'm glad you guys work to keep me from throwing my crotch out there for all to see. You are right...people should pay good money to see that sort of stuff!

I can not possibly overlook dear Ayla the Grump! In addition to sending me headbutts and purrs, remembered my comment about loving her Pillow Monkey and GAVE ME ONE OF MY OWN! I can't wait to snuggle with it and emphatically forbid Brach to even touch it! That boy needs to recognize his limits! Thank you Ayla (who, incidentally reminds me of my old cousin, Pilate, who is no longer with us. She was beautiful and grumpy, too!)!

Xavier, acknowledging my wild and freaky side, gave me an 18k White Gold, yellow sapphire and yellow cat's eye Chrysoberyl bead nipple ring! Zeus wondered why I would get only one, considering the staggering volume of nipples I sport, but I had to admit I had only one nipple pierced. I won't go into the details...let's just say it involved some sailors, some malt liquor, some catnip, some handcuffs and a super-painful nipple piercing. Despite the fact I would love to have bling dangling from every nipple, I've learned my threshold for pain is low...very low. I can't wait to "install" this one, Xavier! And welcome to my Tomcat Stable, stud!

Derby, a long-time blogging bud and Brach's virtual twin, surprised me with...oh my gawd, I'm trembling like the final two contestants in the Miss America Pageant...CASH AND A NEW TIARA! The cash is making me dizzy as I dream of all the things I want to buy...NO, MOM! I WILL NOT SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY! As for the tiara, I am either going to save it for special occasions--because it's so elegant, or I'm going to wear it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It's a toss-up, really!

Merlin, Shadow and Ko Ko spent their hard-earned money on an awesome "Bad Kitty" t-shirt for me! I'm surprised my mother agent didn't book that modeling gig for me! I would be perfect for that shirt! I'll have to look to make sure they didn't get the XL for me...I maintain I am an XS. Quit laughing!!

The Poiland Rodentia (also known as the gaggle of rats and ratlets) splurged on an incredibly cool Smokin' Kitty Sticker! That is especially appropriate since I registered and received a cigarette holder of my own for my blogiversary. I plan to paste this sticker right over my food bowl (since I spend so much time there). I think my mom might get jealous, though, and try to steal it. I hope the adhesive is strong enough to keep it where it should rightly be!

Rabbie Burns, BMD appropriately purchased a Bunny on a Bike Ride postcard! I've never seen a bunny ride a bicycle, let alone have documentation of it! I'm so appreciative that Rabbie took time out from his cycle of destruction to honor me with this gift! I tell you what...The fact that I received so many gifts from the Poiland Tribe is humbling. Thank you all!

Mattingly and his baby sis, Harlie, came out of their blogging hiatus to give me...brace yourself...INSURANCE FOR MY FERRARI FOR A SQUILLION YEARS!! It arrived, complete with a gold seal of authenticity and genuine signatures from the generous benefactors. Wow. Now my mom will let me whip around the living room in my car without stressing about crashes. Well, at least about the car getting totaled. I can't speak for the couch, coffee table, chair, entertainment center, piano, etc. I hope those are covered on her insurance. Whatever. I'm set!

Fat Eric, knowing my affinity for hot, motion picture studs, gave me my own pirate/slave/eye-candy! Dreamy...just dreamy! I'm pretty sure he'll agree that coming to live with me will be the best thing that has every happened to him in his entire life--even though I plan to keep him in my travel crate. (And then, get this...) Eric later decided, due to extreme pressure jealousy from a certain cat's mother, to give me this lovely cat throne in place of Johnny Depp. I am accepting the throne with joy overflowing from my heart, but I'm KEEPING JOHNNY DEPP, TOO! Eric, there is no sales receipt for Johnny Depp, so I am unable to return or exchange him. It's really out of my paws at this point. Plus, when I told Johnny he might be leaving, he began crying. Not because he didn't want to go to that cat's house, but because he couldn't bear the thought of being separated from me. And can you blame him? Until I get sick of Johnny and put him out, he and I will be making out on my new cat throne. No offense, other cat's mom...I'm sure, with your extensive spit-swapoping schedule with Phil Keoghan, you wouldn't have time for Johnny anyway...

Alberta, Sky, Blackie and Charlie (From Feline Oligarchy) gave me the ultimate vacation! One week in a luxurious hotel on the Gulf of Mexico (complete with airfare and limo service)! I hope to get some amazing sun-time and pick up a couple of cabana boys! Let's keep this one a secret from my mom. I don't want her tagging along...

OMG! Bonnie Underfoot and Victor Tabbycat thought of me and my dreamy slumbering needs. They gave me a bed, which can only be described as pure luxury! I can't wait to lie there, on my back, and stare at the jeweled canopy. Wow...I think I'll up my napping hours to 19 now that I have such an amazing bed!

Moose, one of the charter members of my Tomcat Stable, and his sisters Turtle and Nala gave me a beautiful bauble. A jeweled Hello Kitty bracelet should fit nicely around my neck. Now, instead of just being jealous of my beauty and talent, my friends to be sooooo very jealous of my new bling!

Princess Mia, true to her royal pedigree, offered a breath-taking crystal chandelier! I plan to hang it directly above my food and water dishes and will demand it stay lit 24 hours a day. I just hope my mother doesn't expect me to contribute to the electric bill! Mia also gave me air kisses on both cheeks. Muah, muah to you, too, dahling!

Beau-Beau and Angie, knowing I take such pride in my appearance, gave me a day at the Palms Resort and Spa! I plan to get a facial, massage, mani/pedi, a good brushing and a mud bath to rid my body of toxins. I hope they don't expect to do a teeth-cleaning. I just may have to bit them. They may offer to do a make-over for me too, but who are we kidding? I don't need a make-over when I look as stunning as I do!

Mouse, the cat, thought long and hard before choosing an exquisite jeweled collar! From what he told me, he had to have a motorcade transport it--because of it's enormous value! That surely is a gift fit for an Empress! I can not wait to wear it at my next red carpet event! Paris Hilton--EAT YOUR HEART OUT!

And, because he's so important to me (not just because he was the very first member of my Tomcat Stable), Squilliam of Mass Destruction gave me the best gift of all...HIM! I wasn't sure I wanted to add him to this public list, because I didn't want everyone else getting jealous that the Tiny Boy was mine...all mine, but then I thought, "Let them be jealous! He's a hunk and has offered himself to me for my blogiversary!" I surely don't want this strategic omission to be misinterpreted as an oversight by my first internet boyfriend! Thank you, Squilly!!

Thank you all for giving me the gifts I so richly deserve in honor of my first blogiversary! If I have inadvertently missed anyone's generosity, please let me know! I didn't expect to receive so many amazing gifts! Thank you!!


Gemini said...

The one we got you gotted here already!

Ayla said...

Happy Blogiversary Kukka!

I really wanted to get you something but with the Dad out of work, we don't even have money for Stinky Goodness. So instead, I'm sending you some headbutts and purrs.

Hot(M)BC said...

Happy Blogversary Kukka. Isn't Miles a sweetie!
~~ Boni, Sanjee, Mini, Pepi and Gree

Bonnie Underfoot said...

Oh, Kukka, darling, your gift will be along shortly. In the meantime, you should see this silly siamese who thinks he's a prince wif his tiara! Skeezix is a hoot!

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

You're such a natural beauty Kukka. Let 'em fly.

Mia and Ghost said...

Please check our blog for your gift - we hope you enjoy it.

DEBRA said...


YOU are going to look hot in that new Spider wearing all your new duds!


kattonic said...

Dearest Kukka, I only sent the mousies for Brach because I (having siblings) know how they get when the presents come in for only you. They need distracting or they become a little *ahem* aggravating. Not that they aren't aggravating most of the time anyway.
Your adoring fan,
Princess Ziporah

Aloysius said...

Oh, please, don't break that bowl. I had to travel all the way to New Mexico to get it. Maybe one of your other admirers will buy you a year's supply of ahi tuna and the services of a sushi chef to prepare it. I know that I'd like that for my birthday (which is March 9, by the way. Hint! Hint!

Gemini said...

The spider is way cool Kukka!

Kukka-Maria said...

Aloysius, I would never break it. That was just a threat to my mom--who occasionally reads the blog.

I've broken so many things of hers, she takes every threat seriously.

I'll keep the sushi chef idea logged into my brain for next March case it turns out to be a special day of some sort (*wink*).

Fat Eric said...

Kukka, my gift to you is on my blog page. I hope you enjoy it!

PrincessMia said...

Fabulous gifts, dahling, you are afterall the Empress, aren't you dahling?

Bonnie Underfoot said...

Oh, Kukka, I'm so glad you like the bed. You haf so many wonnerful fings, it was hard to find sumfing unique and fitting. Sweet dreams, my dear.

William said...

Well, I'm so not seeing my name on the list!