Monday, July 24, 2006

And Now He's Back...From Outer-Space

The weirdest thing happened to me last night! I got a random call from an old friend--who has been absent for a few years now. He called to say "Hello" and, in a moment of nostalgic weakness, I invited him over. While we shared laughs (lots) and I enjoyed his company very much, I couldn't help thinking of our history and how a solid friendship turned sour.

This friend began our friendship in a whirlwind. You see, MC Skat Kat and I met years and years and years ago--when I was a mere kitten and hanging out with what can best be described as a "rough crowd." I am ashamed to admit it, but I spent many a night hopping from night club to strip club to brothel with brothers, Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen.

One night, thinking they were taking me to a place for royal felines, we ended up at The Pussy Palace. There, I saw a charismatic tomcat sitting across the room, getting a lap dance from a toothless stripper. She was a pretty girl--and quite limber! And, looking back on it now, I'm sure her dental deficiency was due to poor hygiene and not at all because of her raging heroine addiction.

Anyway, that tom turned out to be MC Skat Kat.

Skat took me under his wing to show me the ways of the harsh Hollywood world. I was grateful to have such a kind cat looking out for me. We spent countless hours building a strong relationship as we laughed, made fun of stray cats (we were horrible in those days), and tipped over garbage cans (I can not believe we were never caught by Animal Control!). In fact, I have to take credit for encouraging him to change his name from Roberto Benigni to MC Skat Kat! my defense, it was a different time--where names including terms like MC, Fresh, and Dogg were the rage. And, come on! At that time, who could have really predicted an Italian actor with that same birth-name would emerge and become an Oscar Winner?

Anyway, maybe it was Skat's power or his animal magnetism that drew me in. Whatever you want to call it, during the entire three days he and I were friends (which, in cat time, is nearly a month), he captivated me and I quickly became seduced by his influence. Much like you'd meet and get to know a friend from summer camp (we will be friends forever, right?) or someone for whom you'd hold the door at a grocery store (a polite "thank you" complete with no-eye-contact and a forced smile), I found out I really knew nothing about that tomcat! Who knew that a weekend friendship could be so misleading?

Paula Abdul and I used to be friends around this time. (At this point I'd typically link you to her website, but it gets bogged down with audio of her greatest hits from the 80's--I'm serious...she's not put anything out since then--which is fine, but you need to loop that crap on your current website? At least air some American Idol songs! William Hung would be better than the stuff she's got playing!) I shared numerous stories of MC Skat Kat with her. I told her about our relationship...that it seemed he and I never could agree. That I liked the movies and he liked TV. That I took things serious and he took 'em light. That I went to bed early and he'd party all night. She would listen with such a sympathetic ear and I began to consider her a close friend.

I never knew that bitch was conspiring against me--and with one of my favorite tomcats!

One night, a mutual friend approached me and said, "I ran into Paula the other day and she told me she and MC Skat Kat have been working on a song and video together and, by the end of summer, it should air on MTV!"

Trying to save face, I responded, "Oh, yeah! I know all about it!"

WHAT? A secret project? Behind my back? With all Skat and I had been through over our weekend friendship, he would turn his back on a friend to sing in some low-rent video? What happened to our dynamic? Things in common--just ain't a one, but when we got together we had nothin' but fun! He would sell out our friendship for some mediocre animated dancing, with an inferior choreographer, in a shoddy video?

No one does The Empress like that!

When I confronted Skat, he glibly responded, "We have been secretly working on this song for a long time--like an entire afternoon! Paula wrote this incredible song called, "Opposites Attract." You should hear it! She said the lyrics just came to her the other day! Anyway, I thought it best for you to find out about it when the video premiered on MTV."

What a bastard! I couldn't believe after and entire three days of knowing one another, he wouldn't tell me this! And Paula, who looked me dead in the eye when I would talk of him and then used my words to pen a song...I wanted to scratch her eyes out!

In an attempt to heal my wounds, I buried everything he ever gave me in my litter box (which, in such a short relationship, amounted to a matchbook from The Pussy Palace, a 1/4 oz of catnip and 6 autographed headshots of Roberto Benigni MC Skat Kat--but I don't consider the photos real gifts, since they had his original name, so he was just trying to get rid of them).

After that, I decided I would never let another tomcat into my inner-inner-circle again. I formed The Tomcat Stable (Squilliam, Moosey, Buddy, Zeus, Miles, and Xavier). I determined that any tomcat who professed his undying love for me, all the while knowing they could never have me fully, should be kept close--but no closer than paws length away. With this strategy, I would be sure not to fall into the trap of "You-Think-You-Know-Someone-Because-You-Spend-Three-Days-Forming-A-Friendship-Then-You-Get-Played-And-Bitter."

Should I add MC Skat Kat to The Tomcat Stable?

Should get a restraining order?

Should I forgive and move forward?

I don't know. I just need to pass gas and take a nap right now. I've been up a solid hour and have already eaten my weight in treats. That takes a lot out of a Feline Empress!


Ayla said...

Any tom that choses Paula Abdul over you should be put down. He's not worth it Kukka. If he bothers you again, dump some used kitty litter on his head. If that doesn't work, then get the restraining order.

Kukka-Maria said...

When you say "put down," you mean insulted, right? Because, no matter what he did or didn't do, I don't want him dead!

In fact, I'm strongly leaning toward total forgiveness...because after hanging with him last night, I remembered how fun he can be.

I'm not throwing out the kitty litter on his head strategy, though. Some tomcats don't learn as easily as others!

Cheysuli said...

I think, Kukka, that before you decide you need to read my book so that you don't eat quite so many cat treats

Xavier said...

He's not worthy of you Empress


Hot(M)BC said...

Take a nap. Silly not nice McSkat not worth botherin wif.


DEBRA said...


Is it always the case that the "Fun" tomcats are always the one most dangerous. Be careful girlfriend!


William said...

Never heard of this guy. So he can't be that important. Especially compared to us in the Stable. And that Paula creature? She was obviously using you. I think you should just let the whole thing go and have another treat.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

We think your Tomcat Stable should include only those that truly love you. You must exclude those that try to lure you back into a sordid lifestyle.

Zeus said...

Kukka, straight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever (oh, oh, oh), or am I caught in a hit and run? Straight up now tell me is it gonna be you and me together (oh, oh, oh), or are you just havin' fun?