Saturday, July 15, 2006

Blogiversary Wishes from Mom

Dear Kukka-Maria (I think calling you "Empress" is a bit much),

Before I begin, I want to thank you for taking this photo of me to post with my letter. I think everyone can see now where you get your stunning beauty...

I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on the one-year anniversary of your blog! I am proud of you for sticking with it for a consecutive grouping of 365 days! And, dear Kukka, somehow you managed to make a few friends fans along the way--which relieves me since, as a kitten, all of your friends were on my payroll.

Despite your clear frustration with me from time to time (and how incredibly rude you can be in expressing said frustration), I have enjoyed reading your posts and getting a glimpse of the inner workings of your very selfish complex brain. One thing that has puzzled me over the last year, though, is this: How is it that you can read/write English, but can not speak it? Wouldn’t it be much easier for me to deny your treat requests if we could just have a civilized conversation?

Instead of this:
Kukka: MEOW!
Mom: What, Kukka…
Kukka:
ROWR?!
Mom: What do you want?
Kukka:
MEE-OW!?
Mom: What is wrong with you? What do you want now?!
Kukka:
ME-FREAKIN’-OW!
Mom: No, Kukka! You’ve had enough treats today!

It could be as simple as this:
Kukka: Mom, can I have some treats?
Mom:
No.

Maybe learning to speak English should be a goal for you over the next year. You will be 7-years old soon. I don’t want to put pressure on you, nor unfairly compare you to other 7-year-olds, but…by 7, most daughters can talk properly. Just a thought.

In closing, darling, I am proud of you. Your partially true and mostly factual accounts of your life, family and friends are exceptionally mediocre and, at best, moderately entertaining. As a cat, you are a role model (albeit foul-mouthed). As an Empress, you are regal and worthy of your title. As my baby girl, you are a mother’s dream.

Oh, before I forget! If I were you, I wouldn’t ask what I’m getting you for your first blogiversary. In light of the assault you unleashed on the new bag of food last night, consider the fact I resisted the urge to pick you up, balance you on one palm and whip you out of the kitchen gift enough. And don’t blame those teeth marks on me. I think it’s completely appropriate for me to leave the food bag on the counter while I bring in the rest of the groceries. You had food in your bowl and you had just eaten treats! Was it the fact that it was "Weight Control" food that set you off? I hate to be the one to tell you this, sweetheart, but you are a little...how shall I say this politely..."corpulent." As a royal in your empire, you may have been hand-fed grapes and fanned with palm fronds, but in my house, you need to exhibit more self-control.

You know, though, if you were the perfect cat, you’d have nothing to write about and you wouldn’t make it to your second blogiversary. Darling, Kukka, I hope you continue your trend of being perfectly imperfect so I can continue reading about your luxurious and glamorous life.

I love you,
Your favorite mother
(as determined by an independent study)

P.S. While you refuse to acknowledge the blogging contributions of your brother, Brach, over the last year, I want to honor him with a shout-out. "What up, B-Rock?! Way to lay down some mad posts this last year--and congrats on stickin' it to Kukka in the POINT/COUNTER-POINT series. You da man, dawg (not to be confused with DOG)!" I love you, Brachy!

11 comments:

Zeus said...

Congratulations on making it a whole year, Kukka-Maria (and Brach)! Your human pet sounds incredibly respectful to you, and I can see now why you stay with her. She seems like a very nice female human.

Perhaps you could begin learning how to speak English by studying American Sign Language. Perhaps you could even point out to your mom that that would be more your expressive mode of language anyhow since it is a) very visual and b) extremely tactile/kinesthetic. I don't know - it'a a thought.

(I could even teach you how to curse in ASL; then you could swear up a storm at your human pet, and she'd never know!)

Of course, that would mean she would have to learn it as well to be able to know what it means. My human pet could teach her if push came to shove.

Anyhow, keep on writing, Kukka-Maria! Let's hit blogiversary #2!

The Meezers said...

HAHAHA Zeus. Our mommy knows ASL to and has used the nasty werds on our daddy, 'cept that he figured that she was swearing anyway.

Happy blogiversary Kukka. Your blogs always make our mommys day.

Victor Tabbycat said...

Maybe you an Zeus could invent FSL: Feline Sign Language! But do we really WANT the beans to unnerstand us, besides when we ask fur sumfing? If Mom knew the werds Bonnie uses wif me, she'd be furry angry.

Kukka, we've lurved readin yur blog an hope fur many more years. An plez let Brach post sum more, too.

Bonnie Underfoot said...

Hah! Victor spilled the cat food at our house last night. Nefur mind the full dishes, he wanted it frum the bag. Of course, nice kitty that I am, I helped clean up the spilt food.
Oh, yeah, happy blogiversary!

Beau Beau & Angie said...

Happy Blogiversity Kukka-Maria! Me an Angie came up wif a very deserving present for you so you can celebrate in the manner befitting an Empress. Take a look at our blog for your present.

PrincessMia said...

Happy Bloggaversary dahling. I hope you like your gift.

Fat Eric said...

Happy Blogiversary Kukka! My gift to you is on my blog now, please take a look!

Ayla said...

Happy Blogiversary Kukka!

I managed to scrouge up some of the human money from places like in the couch and the Dad's pants pockets and gots you a gift! Check out my blog in a bit. :)

Les Trois Chats said...

Kukka my love,
Our gift is on it's way. If you want to see it early, check out our blog. xxxoooxxx ~ moose

Bonnie Underfoot said...

Darling Kukka, I haf found a suitable gift fur you. I hope it will please your majesty wif lurvly dreams. It's so... you!

William said...

Great job on the bag, Kukka, no matter what your mom says. Besides, doesn't she know that "weight control" food means you can eat twice as much?

P.S. I made my mom let me get on the computer last night just to leave you a message, and even though it was today at your house it was still yesterday at mine. Plus, after all that, I don't think I even said happy blogiversary!