Monday, July 31, 2006

Celebrities Take a Stand for Feline Pride

ANNOUNCER:
As you may or may not be aware, there is a horrendous pandemic sweeping the nation that, if not addressed immediately, will cause outrageous destruction for us--and generations to come.

This holy mess, in which transvestite celebrity impersonators all but destroy the image of felines across the nation, is called: Faulty Undertaking of Celebrity Kitties (F.U.C.K.)

In an attempt to address this issue head-on, F.U.C.K., a star-studded team of celebrity females led by Empress Kukka-Maria, came together to strategize. Even though Cher, Tina Turner, Celine Dion, Barbra Streisand and Liza Minelli are accurately impersonated by thousands of transestites every year, the same can not be said for cats...and poor Kukka-Maria has learned, first-hand, what it is like to look in her tranny mirror and not recognize the face staring back at her.

F.U.C.K. is more than willing to volunteer their time to help raise awareness. What they came up with is a stunning and beautiful song that explains the plight of the erroneously impersonated feline celebrity.


(Sung to the tune of "We are the World")

(Cher) There comes a time, when we heed a certain call
When the stars must come together as one
(Tina) There are trannys trying
And it’s time to lift a hand to slap
The shit out of them all!

(Celine) We can’t go on, pretending day by day
That these whores look glamorous like us
(Barbra) They are nothing like us…huge celebrities
And the truth: Makeovers are what they need

(All) We are the stars, we are the beauties
We are the ones to make an honest buck
Oh, wait! A squillion…
It’s a chance we’re taking
To keep the trannys down
It’s true, they try each night and day
But they’re ugly.

(Kukka-Maria) Well, send them some clothes
So they learn just how to dress
And I won't puke when a photo I see
(Liza) God has shown us
By turning men to chicks
And so we all must lend a helping hand

(All) We are the stars, we are the beauties
We are the ones to make an honest buck
Oh, wait! A squillion…
It’s a chance we’re taking
To keep the trannys down
It’s true, they try each night and day
But they’re ugly.

(Tina) When they do their show
Mascara running down
If they concentrate
They won’t look like a clown
(Kukka-Maria, doing her best Cyndi Lauper)
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Let’s help them out
So they do us some justice
Ladies…let’s stand together as one!
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!

(All. Fading out.) We are the stars, we are the beauties
We are the ones to make an honest buck
Oh, wait! A squillion…
It’s a chance we’re taking
To keep the trannys down
It’s true, they try each night and day
But they’re ugly!



ANNOUNCER:
It's critical that this issue be eradicated immediately. Not only is celebrity feline pride at risk, the world's supply of false eyelashes and cheap wigs is diminishing at alarming speeds! In fact, congress is debating--at this very minute--whether drilling in the protected Alaskan Feather Boa Reserve will even be enough to help!

If you have a heart at all, SEND YOUR DONATIONS NOW!

8 comments:

The Meezers said...

I will send you Sammy's 19 cents that he has saved up. - Miles

Feline Oligarchy said...

How horribly gauche. The blue wig? And we think we see duct tape where it, uh, "needs to be" but not where we should see. We'll try to find the credit card so we can contribute weekly.

PrincessMia said...

bwahahahaha! Thank you for standing up to this outrage. It's about time somebody did something about this.

Zeus said...

I honestly had never known that a) there were that many transvestities impersonating feline celebrities b) that there was an actual organization dedicated to pressing charges against those in letter A and c) that Cher was involved in aforementioned organization! This is investigative reporting at its finest!

I learn so many new things when I come here, Kukka-Maria. You truly should investigate the requirements of the Pulitzer, because, sweetie: you could win it!

Kukka-Maria said...

To clarify, Zeus...I don't know that there are that many trannys impersonating feline celebrities, as much as so many horribly impersonating me!

I learned something from that announcer, too! Who knew there was a Feather Boa Reserve in Alaska!

Zeus said...

Is it right by the Blue Wig Resevoir near Juneau?

Ayla said...

I think for once in my life I can say that I am truly left speechless.

Knightly, Lizzie, & Firenze said...

Kukka - no imersonator could ever come close to being like you. You are too unique for a copy-cat.

The Monsters