Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Celebrity Feline insists, "I'm Not Gay"

Associated Press (AP) - Taking her cue from Oprah and responding to what she calls "extreme pressure from fans and the media," Empress Kukka-Maria, feline blogging icon, released a statement today in an attempt to clear up rampant rumors.

"I am not gay. Despite rumors to the contrary, Colin Farrell and I are just friends. If I were gay...or [we were] being gay together, we would tell you because there is nothing wrong with being gay. We are just not having the gay sex!"

Rumors began earlier this month when British tabloids reported the celebrity feline was "a homo." American tabloids ran with the story as paparazzi photographed The Empress and Farrell kissing at a corner table of the famed Spago restaurant.

One fellow patron said, "They were all over one another! It was clear to me, by their stylish designer attire, open discussions of Broadway musicals and standard gay lisps, these two were as gay as the day is long!" Another Spago customer interrupted and said, "Clearly this man you are interviewing is a Republican. I could tell right away by the judgment seeping from his pores, the platinum credit card in his wallet, and his obviously closed mind."

The discussion with these witnesses was cut short, when they suddenly broke out into a slap-fight.

When reached for comment, Jason Baumgartner, head sommelier at the restaurant, defended the pair. "What they were doing was perfectly acceptable. The other guests should have felt honored to be in the presence of such exquisite celebrity public displays of affection! This wasn't stage kissing; they used full on tongue! I think we could all benefit from their example. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to meet up with my boyfriend, Steve. We're going dancing at The Man Hole tonight."

With his long-awaited movie, "Miami Vice" opening this Friday, Colin Farrell was not available for a comment. Empress Kukka-Maria, however, was more than willing to clear things up.

"There isn't a definition in our culture for the kind of bond Colin and I share. Something about our relationship feels otherworldly to me, like it was designed by a power and a hand greater than my own." She went on to say, "As for the rumors that I am also in a gay relationship with Russell Crowe...they are unfounded. The Crowester and I are just friends. That's it. I don't like him like that."

After taking a swig from [what is believed to be] a whiskey bottle, Kukka exclaimed, "I think the root of all the hype is that all you bitches are jealous because I get to kiss Colin Farrell!"

As Kukka's handlers abruptly ushered her out of the room, her mother agent tried to diffuse the situation. "My client is not gay. Period. Kukka is committed to having straight sex--albeit freaky-deeky-nympho sex, with men and tomcats. I can unequivocally state that Kukka is not gay with Colin, nor is she gay with Russell. Now, as for Russell and Colin being gay together..."

Russell Crowe was unable to be reached for comment. His publicist did offer this: "Mr. Crowe has a strong, non-gay relationship with Kukka-Maria. He is busy spending time with his beard...I mean wife and their two children and will not be bothered by the ridiculous rumors of a gay relationship with The Empress."

There is no word whether The Empress will file libel lawsuits with the British and American tabloids.

13 comments:

The Meezers said...

um, my mommy wants to know if you are emplying that russell crowe is a woman? if that's the case, then she's gay and wants to be gay wif him. not that there's anyfing wrong wif that. - Miles

Zeus said...

My human pet thinks that if being gay means making out with Russell Crowe and Colin Farrell, then sign her up.

I don't quite understand any of this, to be honest, but it just sounds like you're doing what you normally do with these male homo sapiens. Maybe I'm missing something...

And Oprah and Gayle aren't gay? And after all this time I thought Stedman was just a front...

Gemini said...

Yes, Momma was wondering how you could be gay with Colin and Russell too? Aren't you are girl and they are boys? We could all be gay she said!
Perhaps they were just more afraid of the specist word?

Kukka-Maria said...

While I consider my relationships with these gorgeous men very heterosexual, I had to address the rumors. Who knows how and why the public and media come up with drivel like this!

By the way...did you see Lance Bass has one-upped my story by coming out of the closet?

At least he's not "Bi Bi Bi..."
OMG...I can't believe I went with the pun! [BAH-DUMP-BUMP]

As for Steadman? I think you're right. I think he's not talking because of the man-love he gets. It's the perfect cover for both he and O!

Zeus said...

HOLY #@%$!

Lance Bass is GAY?!?!

My Aunt Diana is going to be crushed now as I feel compelled to call her and share this news! My human pet tells me she had tons of 'NSync posters all over the room growing up, and in particular, Lance.

Shimmy said...

I've never thought to ask my catnip carrot with the jingling bell on the end if it's gay. It doesn't matter, as long as we're together. The bathtub, rug, window sill, and under-the-coffee-table are getting very sleepy.

Buddy said...

Ohhh Kukka how I have missed you! :) If loving you is gay I don't wanna be straight!!

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, Buddy...I thought you broke up with me (and, if you did, I thought you had been committed to the insane asylum)!! I am so glad to see you again!

Badness said...

One of the guys from N'SYNC is gay? Shock and surprise. Didn't see that one coming. :::rolls eyes:::

If gay means being happy with who you are then Kukka you are flaming!

William said...

[I think with that Lance guy it was the burden of having been named after a fish.]

Maybe Kukka did mean being happy with Colin and Russell.

Gemini said...

Momma was quite worried what your Momma would think, Zeus as they just said he was in a relationship with that guy from the Amazing Race,but fortunately it wasn't Phil!

Zeus said...

Yep, and I found out who! You can read more here!

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh my gawd! I'm just relieved it wasn't PHIL! I don't know how safe it would be for Zeus to blog...with his mom's tears falling onto the computer keys...and the sparks flying...and the fires starting. All the while, the sounds of sobbing and wailing piercing everyone's eardrums.

Because Zeus' mom hearts Phil so much. And Johnny Depp. Who she stole from me...maybe she should be on my Litter List!