"I am not gay. Despite rumors to the contrary, Colin Farrell and I are just friends. If I were gay...or [we were] being gay together, we would tell you because there is nothing wrong with being gay. We are just not having the gay sex!"
Rumors began earlier this month when British tabloids reported the celebrity feline was "a homo." American tabloids ran with the story as paparazzi photographed The Empress and Farrell kissing at a corner table of the famed Spago restaurant.
One fellow patron said, "They were all over one another! It was clear to me, by their stylish designer attire, open discussions of Broadway musicals and standard gay lisps, these two were as gay as the day is long!" Another Spago customer interrupted and said, "Clearly this man you are interviewing is a Republican. I could tell right away by the judgment seeping from his pores, the platinum credit card in his wallet, and his obviously closed mind."
The discussion with these witnesses was cut short, when they suddenly broke out into a slap-fight.
When reached for comment, Jason Baumgartner, head sommelier at the restaurant, defended the pair. "What they were doing was perfectly acceptable. The other guests should have felt honored to be in the presence of such exquisite celebrity public displays of affection! This wasn't stage kissing; they used full on tongue! I think we could all benefit from their example. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to meet up with my boyfriend, Steve. We're going dancing at The Man Hole tonight."
With his long-awaited movie, "Miami Vice" opening this Friday, Colin Farrell was not available for a comment. Empress Kukka-Maria, however, was more than willing to clear things up.
"There isn't a definition in our culture for the kind of bond Colin and I share. Something about our relationship feels otherworldly to me, like it was designed by a power and a hand greater than my own." She went on to say, "As for the rumors that I am also in a gay relationship with Russell Crowe...they are unfounded. The Crowester and I are just friends. That's it. I don't like him like that."
After taking a swig from [what is believed to be] a whiskey bottle, Kukka exclaimed, "I think the root of all the hype is that all you bitches are jealous because I get to kiss Colin Farrell!"
As Kukka's handlers abruptly ushered her out of the room, her
Russell Crowe was unable to be reached for comment. His publicist did offer this: "Mr. Crowe has a strong, non-gay relationship with Kukka-Maria. He is busy spending time with his beard...I mean wife and their two children and will not be bothered by the ridiculous rumors of a gay relationship with The Empress."
There is no word whether The Empress will file libel lawsuits with the British and American tabloids.