Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Empress Freed, Jones-Reynolds Apprehended, Who's Who of Prison

Oh. My. Gawd!

First, let me thank everyone who came out and protested yesterday. It worked! I think your shouts of "One, Two, Three, Four...Star Jones-Reynolds is a whore!" were the thing that really inspired the police to re-examine my case. For all of you who watched E! News last night, you probably already know that as I was being released from jail, Star Jones-Reynolds was being escorted in and finger-printed!

Star will be charged with Breaking and Entering (because she totally crashed my blogiversary party), Illegal Dance-Fighting (because she instigated a violent dance-off without the proper permits), Assault and Battery (because of what she did to that poor canine stripper when he was reluctantly trying to give her a lap dance), and Obstructing Justice (because she gave an interview, riddled with lies, to the COPS cameras while I was being forcibly removed from my home).

Justice prevails!! Rot in the slammer, Jones-Reynolds! I hope, when your husband realizes what is supposed to actually happen during your "conjugal visits," he still shows up--because I have a strong suspicion he will decide to go on a man-date instead!

Ok. On to more important things. I know what you're thinking..."Keeping an empress behind bars is ludicrous! What sorts of people and things did you have to endure, Kukka-Maria?"

Aside from the annoyingly strict schedule of set bed times, meal times, bathing times, etc., jail was not that bad. While they did not pet when I asked, nor allow me to drink from the faucets and sleep where I wanted, they did give me plenty of food and treats on demand (far more than my mom agent warden gives me at home!

I think the real story, though, is who I saw in jail.

If you've been a long-time reader, you may remember Zeus (not to be confused with The Amazing Zeus from my Tomcat Stable). He was one of the online dating profiles I was matched with during my internet search for love last summer. If you may recall, at that time, Zeus was posing as a cat in order to be matched with super-sexy myself.

What you may not know, is that Zeus and I went on a couple of dates and would have gotten serious, if I had not found a squillion emails and photos of other cat-bitches he was "dating." I threw him out and thought I would never see him again.

Then I landed in jail.

Apparently, Zeus maintained his path of lies, deceit, manipulation and general debauchery the rest of last summer and then was finally busted for BIGOMY! That shocked me! First, since cats can not legally marry, why can dogs?! Second, what kind of evil being preys on the emotions of vulnerable cat-chicks? Boo, Zeus the Evil Dog...Boo!

Another surprise was running into Juan "Papi Chulo" Martinez. As you may remember, he interviewed to become my body guard.

Papi Chulo recognized me right away and almost started a riot in the mess hall:

"Oh my gawd! Es Kukka-Maria, man! Kukka es muy popular and muy bonita and I love her berry mucho!"

I asked if he was upset that he was not offered the job, to which he replied, "I wanted that job so much, but I understood that you were racist and sizeist and didn't want to have a tiny Chihuahua as your protector."

"WHAT?!" I exclaimed? "It had nothing to do with you being an itty-bitty Chihuahua! I didn't hire you because you seemed a do I say this politely...CAH-RAZY!"

"Fair enough, muchacha!"

Shortly after the job interview, Papi Chulo took a job smuggling Columbian cocaine. In condoms. In his bootay. Frustrated that he made some poor choices in his past, Papi Chulo told me, "I want to straighten out my life, man! I have dieciséis (16) brothers and sisters waiting to get into this country legally! The fact that I am spending my time in the United jail! Dios mio!"

It might be a mistake, but I told him to call me when he gets sprung from the joint.

StewieIronically, Papi Chulo's cellmate was the man he interviewed to assassinate: Stewie--my former stalker! Spending time in the slammer together has helped them forge quite a friendship! Now they have that strong brotherhood that only comes from serving time with one another. Which I know. Because I am now a hardened criminal.

Anyway, Stewie Stalker was nabbed guessed it...grand theft auto. After Stewie stalked me for awhile and finally gained access to my home, he realized that meeting the target of his obsession face to face eroded the intrigue and excitement of the chase. Deciding to give up stalking for good, he turned to stealing cars.

It would have worked, too, except Stewie is only 4 inches tall and couldn't reach the steering wheel or pedals. He crashed his first stolen car and was nabbed immediately by the police.

Stewie was never one to worry about the details, though.

All in all, jail wasn't miserable. I will say, though, that I missed the fresh air, internet access, and the love of my family and friends fans. I will not miss having to bathe myself in front of other inmates, having to give up half of my meals in order to keep jailhouse sexual predators away, and winning the prisoner talent show--every night (I can only wear so many "MOST TALENTED AND BEAUTIFUL INMATE EVER!" sashes).

I appreciate everything you all did to spread the word of my innocence! Now that I'm home, I will actually have a chance to use and appreciate my new blogiversary gifts!

(Or, as they say in the Big House, "You better step off before I cut you with this homemade knife made of a toothbrush and a razor blade, bitch!")


DEBRA said...



Wow you were able to find out what happened to some of those nefarious hanger-ons while in the slammer, huh? At least you had an interesting and colorful time!

Thank goodness the Police realized the mistake they made and set you free and got that Star whatherface instead!


Gemini said...

Kukka it's good to have you home!

The Meezers said...

*does happy dance*
Kukka's Free!
Kukka's Free!
YAY!!! YAY!!!
Kukka's Free


George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Kukka, dear! We're so happy you've returned home safely, thanks to the efforts of Brach (who really loves you, we think!) and all your devoted subjects.

While we understand you need a few days to recuperate, we're anxiously awaiting pictures of you posing with all your fabulous, new blogiversary gifts.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Kukka, a peaceful stay at the spa is in order.

Fat Eric said...

Yay! I am so happy to hear that you are free, Kukka. I agree with S, S & S - a spa visit does sound like what you need to recover!

Fat Eric said...

Me again. There is something else on my blog you might like to see, Kukka.

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