Friday, July 14, 2006

Is it just me, or does this place reek of fish?

Something fishy is definitely going on around this house! Here is what I've discovered so far:
  • Mom has been making secretive phone calls at all hours of the night.
  • When confronted, she makes no eye-contact, stammers and quickly offers treats as a means of distraction (which you know is odd...'cause that bitch is stingy when it comes to treat distribution!).
  • Brach giggles behind his paw every time I enter or exit the room.
  • I found a slip of paper--cleverly written in Canadian English (which she knows I can not speak/read/understand). It recognized "Kukka" and "surprised." I hope she remembers the last time I was surprised and how I clawed her eyes out!
  • Last night, at 3:00 am, I broke into her voicemail and heard the following message: "Hi. This is The Whole Enchilada calling you back. This weekend works for me. Just call and give me directions and a time you want me there. Also, make sure you pay me in cash. I don't take checks or credit cards. You wanted me to bring at least two friends, right? No problemo!"

Until I can gather more conclusive data, I'm going to assume she is planning a book release party for me. I'm not sure whether or not you were aware, but I released my third book this week--a romance novel called "Feline Love: Story of a Sex Kitten." It was tough to do, but in order to achieve my goal of monopolizing the literary industry, I had to crank out a work of fiction in a mere three days. I definitely don't want to be pigeonholed as a non-fiction author! I had to pose for the cover, because I quickly discovered as I auditioned women for the sexy-vixen model, that no one could match my allure.

Now, I have three books on the NY Times Best Seller List--in four different categories! Take a look. Click on the pic for a closer view.

Yes, she must be planning a star-studded a book-release party (assuming The Whole Enchilada is the new "Hollywood It Boy"). Or she is paying for sex. Or she is dabbling in the underbelly of the mouse-slave-trade industry. Or she is buying catnip and treats on the black-market. Or...the possibilities are endless! Let's just hope she has my best interest at heart. That's all I care about!


The Meezers said...

a WHOLE en-chill-a-da? wow. Mommy won't give us ANY en-chill-a-das, but now that i know they can talk, I don't know if i want to eat one. - Miles

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

As not only your mother, but also your agent thereby entitled to a large percentage of your income, one would assume she'd have your best interests in mind, but we can only hope for the best.

Lovely cover, dear, and you look stunning, as always. I'll be reading it this weekend, but will need to hide it from Misty. I think she's too young for steamy, romance novels, don't you think?

Did you get our bikini bottom gift? Can't wait to see you in your hot, new swimsuit.

Tipper & Misty E.

Zeus said...

I'd have to agree that you're probably going to have a book-release party. I agree with Tipper as she has to have your best interests in mind.

Congratulations on all four of your books being at the top of the best sellers list. I am so proud of you, and I know you will only continue to do great things.

Kukka-Maria said...

I didn't receive the bikini bottoms, Crew! Could they have been lost in the cyber-mail or intercepted by a cross-dressing postman?

Please advise! I want to make sure I'm not arrested for indecent exposure (again) when I go to the beach!

Please advise, friends o' mine!

Kukka-Maria said...

UPDATE: Present received, Crew. Thank you!

Brandywine said...

WOW Kukka!! Kudos on your instant success! A-list celeb, cat product model, best selling author, nemisis of Star "diet and exercise" Jones....I don't know how you manage, I'm sure it helps when "she" (your person) is out of the way. I hope that web page for the "top 10" isn't a spoof...Ann Coulter...non-fiction? Whatever.