Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Kukka's Stripper Fiasco

Ok, folks. I'm sorry I didn't get back with you yesterday, as I promised. Due to all of the media attention about this and the paparazzi permanently camped outside our door, I was not able to get back to the computer.

Because Kukka is still sitting in jail, and because she will skew the facts of the night if she were to tell it, I am here to offer a complete report of the mayhem that occurred Saturday night.

8:03 pm: Kukka overindulges on a potent combination of champagne, a mix of Super Gold Thai and Purple Skunk Catnip, and some "caviar" that was imported from Columbia (which, strangely enough, seemed a bit too white and powdery to be caviar). She stands at the front door, yelling to the queue of people standing behind the velvet rope. "If you don't get in tonight, you're a piece of crap!" Fortunately, no one speaks Meow, so they didn't understand her insults.

8:08 pm: Seeing Tom Cruise, she sticks her paw in his face and is all, "Where's the baby, Tom?! How come I haven't seen the baby yet!" Tom, trying to remain calm, goes, "Kukka. Let's keep our voices down, alright? You're causing a scene." Kukka, glaring, is all, "It's my party, ass-munch! I can cause as many scenes as I want!"

Will Smith, from behind the velvet rope, chimes in. "We haven't seen the baby, either! What is going on with this Suri thing?!" Jada Pinkett-Smith then shouts, "You bitches better produce and infant or I'm calling my lawyer to get my shower gifts back, yo!"

A tearful Katie Kate tries to intervene. "Tom! Kukka! Please stop!" Kukka turns to Kate and says, "Did Joey Potter forget to take her Xanax this morning? You know, my friend, Brooke, tells me that a Zoloft/Prozac cocktail is the best thing to treat post-partum depression. You should really look into it! That is...if you really have a baby!" An enraged Tom screams, "Psychiatric drugs? You had to go there, didn't you! It's on now, bitch!"

The vertically-challenged Tom climbs on top of the piano bench so he can look Kukka in the eye. He starts screaming at her and shaking his finger in her face. "You ungrateful little skank! I ask you to be the Xenu Matriarch for the baby and you shoot me down! And now you complain you haven't seen the baby yet? How. Dare. You!" Grabbing Kate, they storm out.

8:46 pm: The canine strippers arrive. Along with "The Whole Enchilada" (top), there were "Touchdown Tank" and "Weiner with The Works."

Kukka immediately requests a lap dance and to the wicked awesome song, "Who Let the Dogs Out," and Weiner with The Works is more than happy to oblige--pelvic thrusts and all. Assuming they would be valuable to a dog, Kukka tries stuffing cat treats down Weiner's g-string.

9:04 pm: Barbara Walters quickly approaches Kukka and exclaims, "Oh no she di'int!" as she points to a Star Jones-Reynolds who is freak dancing with Touchdown Tank (who is now down to just his helmet and jock strap). "That bitch crashed my party?" Kukka shouts. She shoves Weiner aside--just as he was getting down to only his mustard, and makes a beeline to Star to confront her.

Kukka stares Star down and hisses, her back arched. Everyone in the room suddenly moves to the side, anxious to see how this will go down. Everyone, that is, except Barbara Walters, who has now taken position behind Kukka and is throwing the bird with both hands toward Star.

Kukka and Star slowly begin a fight/dance that is reminiscent of the knife fight in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. They circle one another and Star strikes out with her acrylic nails--barely missing Kukka's whiskers. Kukka, not willing to let that sort of attack slide, extends her claws and takes a swipe at Star--puncturing her left breast implant. Star, mascara running down her face and her false lashes hanging by a single clump of glue, exclaims, "Oh, my breasts! My beautiful, beautiful jugs!"

Sometime during all of this, Dakota Fanning, scared out of her wits, calls the police.

9:41 pm: There is a violent knock at the door and then, almost immediately, the door is broken in by what appears to be the police--with a camera crew. It was COPS (the television show).

"EVERYONE FREEZE!" an officer yelled, though a megaphone.

Star begins crying and telling the police she had been attacked. Kukka tries to explain that Star instigated the entire ordeal, but because the cops don't understand Meow (and because they are speciest effers), they begin questioning Kukka.

Kukka, assuming she is in huge trouble, begins frantically giving chase to the police. Yelling, "THIS IS SPECIEST PROFILING," she runs from one end of the living room to the other. She's up on the coffee table. She jumps to the top of the entertainment center. After leaping to the top of the CD shelf, she finally bolts to the bedroom and hides beneath the bed.

10:22 pm: 27 minutes into the stand-off, the police are lying on their bellies, trying to coax Kukka from under the bed. Cleverly, she has positioned herself in the top/center region of the under-bed--just out of their reach.

10:55 pm: Despite the numerous pleas and multiple threats of tasering and pepper spray, it takes 5 police officers, an assistant camera man and 3 pair of oven mitts to pull her from under the bed and cuff her. Cuffs are placed on both the front and hind legs (totally speciest). The entire time they carry her from the bedroom to the front door, she screams in protest. [FROM THE COPS TRANSCRIPT] "You speciest mother BLEEPERS! I will sue your BLEEPING BLEEPS until you don't have a pot to BLEEP in! And don't you think for a BLEEPING minute I'm going to sign your BLEEPING release! You can pixilate my face, for all I BLEEPING care, you specist BLEEPS!"

As they approach the door, Kukka catches a glimpse of Star, giving a tearful interview to the COPS cameras. "I just came to wish my good friend, Kukka-Maria, a very happy blogiversary. I never expected, in a drunken and drugged state, that she would pick a fight with me and puncture my beautiful, perky and not at all augmented breast! I guess I never knew how jealous she was of me! I blame the drugs. I have been trying to get her help for a long time now. Plus, I think it’s horrible that my husband was tricked and subsequently forcefully humped by a half-naked stripper who calls himself The Whole Enchilada!"

After hearing that, Enchilada yells, "You better watch yourself, puta! It was consensual!" In response, Star's [allegedly] super-gay husband, Al, turns to the stripper, winks and mouths, "Call me, stud." Oblivious to her "husband's" antics, Star Jones finishes her interview by saying, "And, yes, there will be a civil suit. I, of course, will represent myself because...I am a lawyer."

Kukka, frustrated that Star is getting camera time to further spread her lies, continues to scream, [FROM THE COPS TRANSCRIPT] "I didn't do anything to deserve this! It was that BLEEP-hag, Star-Mega-BLEEP-Jones-Reynolds! Now, for crying out loud, someone bring me a Tall Caramel Macchiato with Soy...and don't try putting cow milk in there! I'LL KNOW IT AND YOU WILL PAY!!"

11:46 pm: Mom, just now realizing a bru-ha-ha of the worst kind has just gone down (because she was in the spare bedroom making out with super-sexy Adrian Brody for the last hour), emerges. "Can't I ever have anything good happen to me without that cat ruining it?"

On Sunday, Mom was still furious about what went down and decided to let Kukka-Maria sit in jail for a couple of days to "sober up and think about what she's done!"

In a lawsuit, filed by The Whole Enchilada (aka Bingo Smith), it is alleged that his hip displasia was aggravated from his "encounter" with Al Reynolds. Plus, we are named in the suit because it happened on our property.

Again...wouldn't a nice, quiet evening at home have been enough of a blogiversary party? Why must The Empress always go over the top? UGH!

Kukka has updated her Blogiversary Gift Receipt List. While she is normally pretty full of herself, she was completely touched by the amazing outpouring of love and affection for her. I even saw her cry. Well, at least one tear. And it may have been caused by a cloud of dander. But it was definitely a tear. I think.


The Meezers said...

oh dear, my poor Kukka lan-gu-sh-ing in jail! Sammy now has 19 cents that I can steal for bail if needed. - Miles

Brach dude - on the bright side, you get the mom all to yourself and a nice quiet house for a couple of days. - Sammy

Brach said...

Mom is giving in and posting bond this afternoon.

So much for my peace and quiet!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

We simply can't believe that ANY of those goings on were her fault! Our Empress has a sterling reputation to maintain and would never lower herself to the level of BaBa Walters or that Jones woman.

Never fear Kukka, we have faith in you! Your loyal subjects will not abandon you.

PrincessMia said...

Oh my sweet mother of pearl. What an ordeal. I will be looking out for the Cops Special Edition Kukka Gone Wild DVD.

Awesome! You RAWK, grrrl!

Zeus said...

So did Kukka ever really bleeping bleep the cops up or was she just bleeping with them? I'm curious...

Also, I don't know that being named the Xenu Matriarch is necessarily a title Kukka would want in the first place. That's on the same status as being named the Oscar Meyer Weiner...dog.

Cruxley said...

I guess it's a little late to wish Kukka a happy blogiversary.
Unfortunately this is what happens when you get too many spoiled celebrities together and throw in some highly potent "refreshments."
I hope Kukka can do some community service. But I'll bet she looks cute in the little orange outfit.

Brach said...

Cruxley, you know Kukka...it is never too late to fawn over her! When she gets out of jail, and gets internet access back, she will be excited to receive you well-wishes!

Zeus, she TOTALLY tried! It's difficult, though, when you have 5 cops and an assistant camera man carrying you out the door. Physically and emotionally.

I am confident she will look to BLEEP those mother BLEEPERS up when she gets released, though. She has a long memory and a revengeful spirit.

Gemini said...

Cheysuli was quite upset that she wasn't on the guest list, until she read this. She says this would ruin her reputation. However, and this is confidential, she'd be happy to take out Star for Kukka...

Diva Kitty said...

Tom climbs on top of the piano bench so he can look Kukka in the eye... Mwa-hahahahahahahahaha

shrinkykitten said...

Okay this has got to be the funniest and most witty blog ever.

Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

Oh Kukka! Your antics make us chihuahuas WOL (woof out loud)!

DEBRA said...

Kukka Darling

YOU know we would do efurryfink to watch your back. I just can't bear thinkin' of you in that stinkin jail on those metal beds sharing a cell wif who knows what the cops dragged in. Please let us know you are alright!

*ABBY & the gang

one of us said...

What a party, only Kukka could pull it off ~Merlin, Shadow, Ko KO