Friday, July 21, 2006

Let's Revisit the Rules, Shall We?

I can not believe how disrespectful you are, Kukka-Maria!

Last night, when Mom gave us treats, I attacked one particular nugget that caught my attention. I licked it over and then looked up at Mom to see if she was going to whip some more on the floor. When I looked back at my saliva-moistened snack, YOU WERE EATING IT!!

First of all...GROSS! No matter how much I love, adore and tolerate you, I draw the line at consuming your spit. Period.

Second of all...Did you know that only 2 minutes prior to the treat incident, I was licking my butt? Oh, yes! I licked at my butt for a good 1-1.5 minutes. The fecal residue on my tongue could have powered a small, third-world country (assuming their power comes from poop). No matter! You are a POOP EATER, Empress!

Finally, I am going to have to site a very reliable source to support my case. While last week, the focus was on your literary success with your books, I need to turn the spotlight on my book now.

My book is entitled, "How to Survive Living with a Spoiled Cat who Thinks she is an Empress of Some Sort."

After extensive research on the rules and guidelines that make living you less painful, I discovered there are specific rules around spitting on food.

Article 3.627: To protect one's food and/or treats, one may cover said food/treats with one's own saliva, thereby deterring Cat Cuisine Crime. When food is poured or treats are distributed, one should peruse the collection of kibble, choose the most desirable nugglets and immediately claim them by either: 1) placing it in one's mouth and sucking hard--to ensure the saliva permeates the kibblet or 2) generating and pitching a wad of saliva onto the kibblet. As this is part of the Code of the Cats, it is understood that the nugglet is now claimed and protected.1

I suggest you do a little reading this weekend, Empress. Because of your recent infringement on my rights, it is clear you need a refresher on Feline Protocol. With your royal "title," I would expect you to be the expert on these things.

But until that happens, enjoy eating my poop!

1 Brach Lee, "How to Survive Living with a Spoiled Cat who Thinks she is an Empress of Some Sort," 4 Apr. 2006


DEBRA said...


You can tell Brach that you've seen plenty of poop and one tiny little bit more isn't going to make a bit of different on a tasty morsel!


William said...

I'm with you, brother. I hate it when someone re-spits on my treats or just outright steals it. It's just wrong.

PrincessMia said...

Oh Brach-Lee, you always make the most astute of arguments. And you are still so dreamy to look at. Just like my Sweetheart Cat.

The Meezers said...

you are an excellent de-bay-tor Brach. we totally agree wif you. Trixie is like that too

Gemini said...

Oh... I think I might have to read it to see how to deal with Chey!

pandora and charlie said...

Don't forget my birthday party! Starting in about an hour, bring drinks and snacks and nip (if you take it, I prefer shrimptinis myself)
Everyone is invited (although, given my age, I may retire frequently!). Paws up, charlie is in charge of the games, he says he got some ideas from recent parties.....[shakes perfect head] actually, for a snotrag he's done a good job!


George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

My brother Max does the same thing to me! When Mom gives us each 3 treats, he inhales his and then comes over to steal mine. Maybe I should try spitting on them to see if it discourages him.


Fat Eric said...

Brach, I hear you, ginger brother. I have interesting news on my blog today - fellow gingers Big Eric and Flynn have got a new blog, please visit and say hi to them if you can!

brandywine said...

B-rock, I think you should change your "treat time" tactics, cut out the middle man and just sit on the treats when your mum tosses them your a game of musical chairs (without the music, chairs...and using treats instead) A kraft services worker posted a similar instance between Rosie O'Donnell and Star Jones. Rosie had put a ring-ding in her mouth, and before she clamped her massive jaws down...(yet "marking" with spit...) she started talking to some B-level TV star. Ms. Jones, seeing an opportuity for cake, nabbed the snack off the table behind Rosie....thus was the start of a long and quite embroiled rivalry. I don't like to draw the comparison of Kukka/Star Jones, ...but if the snack fits....
By the way Brach, I think the publisher captured a true likeness in wood on the cover of your book!

Zeus said...

Survival of the fittest, Brach. I think next time you should just eat while you have it. Who has time for spitting on treats and then eating them?