Thursday, July 06, 2006

Open Letter to Star Jones-Reynolds

Date: July 6, 2006

Star Jones-Reynolds
Legend In Her Own Mind
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Dear Mrs. Jones-Reynolds (if that is your real name):

We appreciate you applying for the position of Litter Box Scooper at Kukka Productions, Inc. Unfortunately we interviewed many applicants in the job search process and hired another individual whose credentials and qualifications were better suited for our needs.

If I can give you some specific feedback that might help you in your job search, I would like to offer the following:

  • It's not appropriate to camp out in front of my house with "HIRE ME" banners taped to your RV. Not only is your rig blocking my view of the birds/chipmunks/squirrels frolicking in my yard, the neighbors have also complained about the noise generated from you constantly kissing your own image in the mirror.
  • Calling my home 18 times per day asking if we have made a decision on filling the position is just plain annoying.
  • The Mailman has expressed frustration that, when he bends over to place the mail in the mailbox, your husband appears from nowhere and pinches his ass. This man is a government employee and deserves more respect. And, to be candid, if you wish to maintain the illusion that your husband is "very not gay...not gay at all," pinching man-ass is not supporting your cause.
  • Denying you had Gastric-Bypass Surgery causes me to question your integrity. I find it difficult to believe that you just woke up one day and decided to lose weight with just diet and excercise--and lose it quickly without surgery. Or...maybe your "excercise" was all the sex you had with your husband. Wait. He has sex with women? I'm just saying, if it were that easy for you to do it the "old-fashioned way," why did you struggle so long? And, since statistically, only 2% of people who lose a large amount of weight on their own keep it off, it will be interesting to watch you in future years. You're not in that 98%, huh? Ok.
  • Barbara Walters and I are BFFs. Talking trash about her during your interview was extremely unprofessional--even though you insist she is a hypocrite. You should really sell yourself on your merits, not put down another. I'm sorry...what? You have no merits?! OH NO I DI'INT!!
  • You are over-qualified for the position. If you are truly a lawyer (as you have reminded us repeatedly...REPEATEDLY over the last several years), why would you want to scoop poop from a litterbox? Wait. I can understand that. My poop is amazing and anyone would be lucky to come in contact with it. Lawyer, schmawyer. The qualifications to scoop my poop far outweigh those required to be a lawyer. In fact, it has taken my own mother almost 7 years to learn to do the job correctly!
  • It is very distasteful to grab your new surgically-lifted breasts, shake them up and down and exclaim, "Aren't these puppies perky?! I mean seriously! They were worth every dollar!" Not only am I insulted you used the word "puppies" in a feline interview; I also felt violated when you reached across the table, grabbed two of my nipples and suggested I call your surgeon. Boo, Star Jones-Reynolds. Boo...

Thus we will not be offering you the position, but thank you for your interest. If a need arises for us to contact you in the future (like further criticism of the poor choices you seem to be set on making), we will do so and you have our continued good wishes.

Very truly yours,

CEO and Founder of Kukka Productions, Inc.


Zeus said...

That Star Jones lady was on the radio down here in Houston...or so says my human pet. Apparently, she denied she had the Gastric Bypass Surgery then as well, and when pressed as to how she did it, her response was, "I'm not a doctor so I don't feel comfortable telling other people my story because if I do, then I might influence other people to do the same as me which might not even be right for them."

This made my human pet laugh since she thought lots of people tell her actions that they decide all the time, and yet, she doesn't necessarily feel influenced to go out and copy them. Goodness, if that excuse was actually true, then why aren't there more female (or male I suppose, but then again, I have never known a homo sapien male watch The View) lawyers running about if Star Jones is so influential?

Gemini said...

Momma! Kukka-Maria has her own company!!! I want one too!!!

Kukka-Maria said...

Amen, Zeus! That's why I indicated she is a "Legend in her Own Mind."

She is definitely her own biggest fan. I think she doesn't want to talk about it because she has already gone on record lying about it and she knows the more detail she gives, the harder it is to maintain her lie. careful what you ask for! Running my own company is tough!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Oh Empress, is there no end to these has-beens and hangers-on that are just using your celebrity status to keep themselves in the public eye. It's shameful how they try to manipulate you! But...this may be a blessing in disguise! No doubt when she's hungry, this former cow will try to find out where your mother put your treats. Keep a watchful eye and you'll discover the hiding place.

Musette said...

How long will it be before enterprising vets are offering gastric bypass surgery for felines?

Not that I know anybody who could benefit from it. . .

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, SNAP, Musette! I'm picking up what you're throwin' down!

For the record: I'm not fat, I'm pleasingly plump and robustly round.

Having said that, if you find a surgeon who would be willing to do liposuction and a tummy tuck on a cat, call me!

Feline Oligarchy said...

Did you not get many applicants for the job? We mean, you must really have had a crappy pool to scoop so low that you granted her a personal interview in the first place.

Timmy said...

Oh no you di-unn! Two snaps in a circle for Kukka!

Ayla said...

Good for you. That Star Jones chick needs a good smackdown. The Mom doesn't like her either 'cause of the whole denying the gastric-bypass thingie. Also, I think she looks funny now that she's skinny.

Max said...

Heh. Hehehehehe. The Woman watches that thing on the TV that had Mz. Jones on it. She and the Younger Human had 10 kinds of fun laughing at the book she wrote...the Woman wants to know how someone who just got hitched, and questionably so, was qualified to give marital advice. And that was too bad, because before she got all diva (and not in a good diva kitty kind of way) on the world, she was ok to watch...

However, she can come pick stuff put of my litterbox if she wants. I'll load it with good stuff for her. In heart shapes, if that'll float her boat.

Zeus said...

The human pet just saw that she is going to have her own show on HGTV. She can't remember the name, though, but the human pet said she can't imagine many people wanting to tune in for matter how good the topic may be.

I LUV CATS said...

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