Legend In Her Own Mind
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
Dear Mrs. Jones-Reynolds (if that is your real name):
We appreciate you applying for the position of Litter Box Scooper at Kukka Productions, Inc. Unfortunately we interviewed many applicants in the job search process and hired another individual whose credentials and qualifications were better suited for our needs.
If I can give you some specific feedback that might help you in your job search, I would like to offer the following:
- It's not appropriate to camp out in front of my house with "HIRE ME" banners taped to your RV. Not only is your rig blocking my view of the birds/chipmunks/squirrels frolicking in my yard, the neighbors have also complained about the noise generated from you constantly kissing your own image in the mirror.
- Calling my home 18 times per day asking if we have made a decision on filling the position is just plain annoying.
- The Mailman has expressed frustration that, when he bends over to place the mail in the mailbox, your husband appears from nowhere and pinches his ass. This man is a government employee and deserves more respect. And, to be candid, if you wish to maintain the illusion that your husband is "very not gay...not gay at all," pinching man-ass is not supporting your cause.
- Denying you had Gastric-Bypass Surgery causes me to question your integrity. I find it difficult to believe that you just woke up one day and decided to lose weight with just diet and excercise--and lose it quickly without surgery. Or...maybe your "excercise" was all the sex you had with your husband. Wait. He has sex with women? I'm just saying, if it were that easy for you to do it the "old-fashioned way," why did you struggle so long? And, since statistically, only 2% of people who lose a large amount of weight on their own keep it off, it will be interesting to watch you in future years. You're not in that 98%, huh? Ok.
- Barbara Walters and I are BFFs. Talking trash about her during your interview was extremely unprofessional--even though you insist she is a hypocrite. You should really sell yourself on your merits, not put down another. I'm sorry...what? You have no merits?! OH NO I DI'INT!!
- You are over-qualified for the position. If you are truly a lawyer (as you have reminded us repeatedly...REPEATEDLY over the last several years), why would you want to scoop poop from a litterbox? Wait. I can understand that. My poop is amazing and anyone would be lucky to come in contact with it. Lawyer, schmawyer. The qualifications to scoop my poop far outweigh those required to be a lawyer. In fact, it has taken my own mother almost 7 years to learn to do the job correctly!
- It is very distasteful to grab your new surgically-lifted breasts, shake them up and down and exclaim, "Aren't these puppies perky?! I mean seriously! They were worth every dollar!" Not only am I insulted you used the word "puppies" in a feline interview; I also felt violated when you reached across the table, grabbed two of my nipples and suggested I call your surgeon. Boo, Star Jones-Reynolds. Boo...
Thus we will not be offering you the position, but thank you for your interest. If a need arises for us to contact you in the future (like further criticism of the poor choices you seem to be set on making), we will do so and you have our continued good wishes.
Very truly yours,
CEO and Founder of Kukka Productions, Inc.