TAILS ARE PERFECTLY PRAGMATIC
Everyone knows tails are practical tools for cats. Yes, they are beautiful, but they are so much more than that!
They provide a solid source of balance. There are so many times, as I am leaping across high surfaces (from which I am "officially" banned), when I thank the universe for providing me a built-in balancing mechanism. When I'm on top of the fridge, precariously teetering over the edge, it's my tail that keeps me from plummeting to my certain death. When I leap to the top of the piano and walk gingerly along the edge, it's my tail that prevents me from falling onto the keys and playing Mozart's Requiem (all 12 movements) with my entire body!
(For those of you who are not classical music enthusiasts, such as myself, the Requiem--a death mass--was Mozart's final composition. So I am symbolically suggesting I would die from falling onto the piano keys which, I must admit, is very dramatic and Kukka-like. I guess I'll stop at nothing to win this argument!)
But I digress...
Tails are also critical when you are trying to intimidate squirrels, birds, rabid chipmunks and feral cats outside of the window. I find, if I lie low, quiver my tail and violently swat it back and forth a few times, any unwelcome visitor clearly understands they are not welcome.
Finally, tails can be used to inspire motion. When I am chasing Kukka, running away from Kukka, or just running laps of the house, my tail helps propel me. As I run, I whip it back and forth--sometimes in a circular motion. Based on my scientific findings, I have concluded that using my tail as a propeller helps me run 4.753928% faster than if I ran with my tail duct-taped to my body.
Although, having my entire body duct-taped might make me more aerodynamic...I'll have to run some experiments.
In conclusion, while tails may be highly attractive, their appeal lies in their wide range of functions.
GEE, YOUR TAIL LOOKS TERRIFIC!
Function, schmunction! Get over yourself, Mr. Wizard! You should know better than to value something because of what it can do for you...it's far better to value something because of how beautiful and sexy it can look!
Tails are gorgeous! I can not tell you how many times I have been told that my tail is one of my best features (in addition to my striking eyes, my robust booty, my super-sexy cleavage, my pristine white chest and feet, need I go on?)! I know for a fact that Brad Pitt was initially attracted to me when I walked by, rubbed up against his leg and delicately waved my tail back and forth. Left natural, the tail is perfectly beautiful.
Now, when you decorate the tail, it can only get better! Tails can be adorned with jewelry. In fact, I am coming out with a line of jeweled tail-lets (bracelets for tails...I'm still working on the terminology). From satin to silk, gems to leather (for you kinky little cats out there), I hope to have a complete line of Tail Trinkets and Butt Baubles available in most major markets by autumn.
But this is neither the time, nor place to shamelessly plug my entrepreneurial endeavors!
Finally, tails can be adorned with piercings and tattoos. I have three tattoos--one of which is on my tail in a very private place. I used to have my tail pierced, but my mom made me take it out because she thought it would look "trashy." She just doesn't understand my generation! Tattoos are hot! Piercings are fresh! UGH! Mothers!
In conclusion, I will be selling Tail Trinkets and Butt Baubles in the fall. Watch for commercials and print ads in Cat Fancy Magazine and Hustler.