Wednesday, July 05, 2006

POINT/COUNTER-POINT:
Tails--Fashion or Function?

This POINT/COUNTER-POINT is focused on cats with tails. While positive points are made for both function and fashion, Kukka-Maria and Brach are in no way implying that Manx or bob-tailed cats are inferior. Tailess cats are both beautiful and functional--tails or no tails.


TAILS ARE PERFECTLY PRAGMATIC
by Brach

Everyone knows tails are practical tools for cats. Yes, they are beautiful, but they are so much more than that!

They provide a solid source of balance. There are so many times, as I am leaping across high surfaces (from which I am "officially" banned), when I thank the universe for providing me a built-in balancing mechanism. When I'm on top of the fridge, precariously teetering over the edge, it's my tail that keeps me from plummeting to my certain death. When I leap to the top of the piano and walk gingerly along the edge, it's my tail that prevents me from falling onto the keys and playing Mozart's Requiem (all 12 movements) with my entire body!

(For those of you who are not classical music enthusiasts, such as myself, the Requiem--a death mass--was Mozart's final composition. So I am symbolically suggesting I would die from falling onto the piano keys which, I must admit, is very dramatic and Kukka-like. I guess I'll stop at nothing to win this argument!)

But I digress...

Tails are also critical when you are trying to intimidate squirrels, birds, rabid chipmunks and feral cats outside of the window. I find, if I lie low, quiver my tail and violently swat it back and forth a few times, any unwelcome visitor clearly understands they are not welcome.

Finally, tails can be used to inspire motion. When I am chasing Kukka, running away from Kukka, or just running laps of the house, my tail helps propel me. As I run, I whip it back and forth--sometimes in a circular motion. Based on my scientific findings, I have concluded that using my tail as a propeller helps me run 4.753928% faster than if I ran with my tail duct-taped to my body.

Although, having my entire body duct-taped might make me more aerodynamic...I'll have to run some experiments.

In conclusion, while tails may be highly attractive, their appeal lies in their wide range of functions.



GEE, YOUR TAIL LOOKS TERRIFIC!
by Kukka-Maria

Function, schmunction! Get over yourself, Mr. Wizard! You should know better than to value something because of what it can do for you...it's far better to value something because of how beautiful and sexy it can look!

Tails are gorgeous! I can not tell you how many times I have been told that my tail is one of my best features (in addition to my striking eyes, my robust booty, my super-sexy cleavage, my pristine white chest and feet, need I go on?)! I know for a fact that Brad Pitt was initially attracted to me when I walked by, rubbed up against his leg and delicately waved my tail back and forth. Left natural, the tail is perfectly beautiful.

Now, when you decorate the tail, it can only get better! Tails can be adorned with jewelry. In fact, I am coming out with a line of jeweled tail-lets (bracelets for tails...I'm still working on the terminology). From satin to silk, gems to leather (for you kinky little cats out there), I hope to have a complete line of Tail Trinkets and Butt Baubles available in most major markets by autumn.

But this is neither the time, nor place to shamelessly plug my entrepreneurial endeavors!

Finally, tails can be adorned with piercings and tattoos. I have three tattoos--one of which is on my tail in a very private place. I used to have my tail pierced, but my mom made me take it out because she thought it would look "trashy." She just doesn't understand my generation! Tattoos are hot! Piercings are fresh! UGH! Mothers!

In conclusion, I will be selling Tail Trinkets and Butt Baubles in the fall. Watch for commercials and print ads in Cat Fancy Magazine and Hustler.

14 comments:

Gemini said...

Chey thinks the tail trinkets will be cool fashion statements. She is looking foward to it. Piercings and tattoos just don't go with her political image though...

DEBRA said...

Kukka

I don't have a tail, but I do have a little poof of fur where a tail would have been. My Momma thinks it is really cute and when I sit down it curves up like a Marlo Thomas hair use to do in THAT GIRL. I could use a tail clip....

*ABBY

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Kukka...your ingenuity continues to amaze me. I think most of us girls would definitely be interested in tail jewelry. Something tasteful, of course, in various colors. Oh, and Misty wants to know if you'll have a line especially for kittens with size "extra small".

Love,
Tipper

Kukka-Maria said...

Good idea, Tipper! I assumed kittens would not be allowed to be adorned with trashy...ahem...classy jewelry! I guess your mom is very liberal-minded (that would explain her allowing the DOGS to come over and destroy your octopi).

I'll be sure to make smaller sizes! Right now, I only have prototypes made of rubber bands, lint I've found on the carpet and nuggets of food. The final product will be far more impressive!

Zeus said...

Talk about irony. My human pet was watching Double Take on HGTV, and one of the ladies on the redesign team went to visit a wholesale bead store. She immediately thought of you as the woman began speaking about the pros and cons for glass or plastic beads and which would be better for capturing the light and reflecting it. She laughed the entire time thinking of Tail Trinkets and Butt Baubles, wondering if this same lady could hold a serious conversation about crafting those while at the store.

Today, I'm in search of some rare red, purple, and savory ivory beads to design our new line of Butt Baubles for your feline. Let's go in and take a look!

Classic...

Kukka-Maria said...

Zeus...what a great resource! I'll have to call this woman and have her consult. Not only am I interested in glass and plastic beads, I'm hoping to launch a special line of Butt Baubles that feature delightful (and highly underutilized) sequins!

Timmy said...

Why did Momma laugh out loud when I read this to her? Especially at the part about Mozart...and Butt Baubles...

Derby said...

Butt Baubles are they supposed to replace our hoo-ha's that got taken off?

Athena said...

Sign me up for a really sparkly one! Oh, and Brach -- please do consider the fur issues related to duct tape removal.

William said...

Well, I had something to say but Mom made me forget because the first thing she saw was Derby's comment and she went off like a hyena.

I don't think that's right.

Hot(M)BC said...

Can't a tail be purrty AND useful? I finks mine is purrty enough wifout tail-lets or butt baubles. But I finks Mini needs bof. hehehe
~~ Sanjee

I'll have to try the Butt Baubles line next time I'm at the bead store. I'll try to get you photos if they laugh.
~~ Robyn, Sanjee's Mom

Ayla said...

I just like making happy feet on my tail. It's very comforting.

Les Trois Chats said...

I think I know how you feel about MY tail, Kukka. Rowwwwrrrr. Although I agree that my tail does indeed help me navigate through my daily errands of annoying my sisters - it is, indeed, a lovely thing to look at. And your tail - what can I say? Rowwwrrrrrr, rowwwwrrr, rowwwrrr...
~ moose

Finnegan & Buddy said...

I have to go with Brach on this one. My tail is verry hansome 'cos it is stripy like a racoooon tale! And it is the bestest toy effur. It follows me all the time and I play wif it efurry day!

Finny the Raccoon-taled Wonder