Friday, July 28, 2006

The She-Male Impersonator

Oh for crying out loud!

I received a letter and playbill in the mail this week informing me that a Kukka-Maria impersonator is touring across the United States, performing a cheesy cabaret act.

Apparently, Kukka-Mario's make-up is gaudy, his feather boa is kitschy (and a bit dingy, I'm afraid), and his fur is dull--devoid of my natural shimmer and shine. I've even heard he paints his naturally dark paw-pads pink!!

What is worse...and I don't think I can even write this without gasping and shrieking: He has padded his stomach and hind quarters with pillows in an attempt to replicate my beauteous womanly curves! PILLOWS?! Am I packing the curves of a squillion women? Bastard! I mean...LOOK AT THE PHOTO! That cat is FAT! It's clearly a half-assed effort to capture my stunning beauty. Although, with all of the ass-padding, it's really a double-assed effort!

Oh, I am so distraught over this whole thing; I can't even laugh at my own jokes today!!

And when have I ever...E-VER worn a blue wig?

More important than the emotional onslaught I've endured over this hideous physical interpretation of The Empress, there are some key logistical matters to address:

  • Show me the money. Where's my cut of his tour profits? The check with my percentage of ticket sales is in the mail, right? While I feel his act is completely inferior to the real thing, I want--and deserve--a piece of the action. And, in order to reduce his overhead expenses and increase my potential profits, he should really consider putting down roots. Traveling around the country is expensive! I think he should take a look at making a home in Las Vegas. Yes, Vegas is a stretch--being such a conservative community, but I think having a tranny move in might give that village the edge it so desperately needs.
  • Shake what yo' mama gave you. I'm sorry...what, what? Is that supposed to be "choreography?" I've heard Paula Abdul helped him come up with that routine. Paula, if you're reading this: Congratulations! You have just obtained a permanent spot on my Litter List! Someone needs to tell this she-male that no one wants to see a pillow-clad ass swaying in their faces. Don't get me wrong. My dirty-dancing skillz are LEGENDARY! I've even won squillions of awards for my pelvic thrusts alone, but I am not a stripper. Nor do I dance like a stripper all the time. Kukka-Mario needs to revise his act to include some demure footwork and prudish paw movements. Remember what I always say: LESS IS MORE!
  • No one likes a tabloid whore. As soon as my squillions of fans read this blog post, it is going to create a frenzy. This will attract the tabloids--which will be exciting for a no-name, inexperienced unknown like Kukka-Mario. I'm screwed. I work so hard to live a modest life, free of drama, turmoil and commotion. Since no one even knows this chick's dude's name, if he gets caught up in the slime-media attention, the negative press will reflect poorly on me.

I think I'm going to have to consult with my mom agent and team of feral alley cat lawyers. There has to be something I can do to stop this horrible injustice!

I know! I'll call my good friends, Cher, Liza, Tina, Barbra and Celine! They've been dealing with tranny tributes for years. Maybe we can come together to address this head-on!


The Meezers said...

Kukka, you should hire Finny to represent you. I don't fink you are fat at all, and that boy looks hid-eeee-ous. You are beautiful. - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

I would love to hire Finnegan Katz, but my mother committed me to a 10-year retainer contract with those feral cats! They are weasels and tricked her into such a long agreement.

Plus, while Finny has a brilliant legal mind, the feral cat team is just brutal and mean. Intimidation is their strategy.

DEBRA said...


I say go get your tom cat stable together and let them have a little R-eow with this Kukka Mario and that'll end all your troubles!


Kukka-Maria said...

Good idea, Abby, but I'm pretty sure my Tomcat Stable is too rough and tough to fight Kukka-Mario.

They throw elbows...he gets in hissy slap fights.

Let's see what they have to say about taking him down!

Zeus said...

I work so hard to live a modest life, free of drama, turmoil and commotion.

I'm sorry, but if you were working so hard to live a modest life, free of drama, then why did you title this blog Memoirs of a Feline Empress in Exile, which by its connotations, seems to imply a certain level of theatrical flair?

I know you're expecting me to defend you, but what do you care really, Kukka? Just make this Kukka-Mario guy pay you a cut of the profits he gets for impersonating you, and it's a done deal. More money, means more treats as far as I am concerned.

And who really doesn't like more treats?

Zeus said...

My human pet just realized that the Tina impersonator is the same guy who was featured on the show, Inked, on A&E. She said those pictures that you linked to did better justice for him than the show because it was fairly obvious that he was not Tina Turner...even though he tried telling everyone he was.

PrincessMia said...

My dear sisfur Kukka, I am shocked and appalled at the nerve of Kukka-Mario. The padding thing takes the cake. I don't recall you ever wearing a blue wig. For shame. You most certainly have a case on your hands. If this so called She-male impersonator makes it to H-town, I'm taking him down, sisfur!

DaisyMae Maus said...

Kukka-Maria ...
The She-Male Impersonator doesn't hold a candle to your beauty or your class. The Feline Americans have offered their assistance should you need five "enforcers" to back up your stable of tomcats. Just give a holler ... In fact, count me in, too ... I'll start sharpening my claws!
DaisyMae Maus