Thursday, July 27, 2006

Secret Fight "Litter List"

As you know, by no fault of my own, I find myself in secret fights with people of all walks of life--but mostly fellow celebrities. I know what you're saying: "But, gorgeous Kukka-Maria...why not call a fight a fight? Why the secrecy?" I find that if I keep the fight a secret--even from my enemy, I have the advantage. I can attack without them expecting it. Plus secret fights are far more dramatic.

For most of my fans, it is difficult to keep up with who is on my bad side, so I have decided to bring you up to speed with an updated "Litter List" roster:

  • Star Jones-Reynolds. You are one cah-razy bitch! Not only did you apply to be my litterbox scooper--when you were clearly unqualified, you crashed my blogiversary party, received a lap dance from a canine stripper--on my mother's dime, and practically laughed as I was erroneously arrested. I must admit: This conflict moved from "secret fight" to "all-out-cat-fight" after I punctured your breast implant...I mean "boob lift" with my razor-sharp claw. Step off, Star Jones-Reynolds! Or would you prefer I use your legal name: Dirty, Dirty Whore?
  • Jada Pinkett Smith. Jada...I thought we were tight. At my blogiversary party, we formed a united front against Tom Cruise regarding the secrecy around Suri. Then, while I ate my kibble this morning and perused the internet, I see you betrayed me. Jada, if you were going to cave and see the baby without me, I would at least expect you to email me photos before going to the press. Shame on you, Jada Pinkett Smith. Shame! Aside from sharing with my fans, I am secretly questioning the future of my friendship.
  • Prince's Wife. I don't know your name and, quite frankly, I don't care. You and I are in a secret fight because you married my first love, Prince. You know for a fact that he is my Sexy Mother Fu...I'm sorry...what? You are divorcing? Well, then you are off the list! I'll remove you after the third of my 8 daily naps.
  • Lance Bass. Yesterday, I came out with a poignant press release saying I was not gay. Then, within two seconds, you came out as gay! What the...? Why must you always try to one-up me? First, when NSYNC opened for me on my European tour, you had to do the "Bye, Bye, Bye" routine in front of me as I was performing my platinum single, "I am Kukka, Hear me Roar." Then, when I decided to pursue my dream of going into space, you went to the press to break the news of your own desire to travel the cosmos. What the hell! I have done nothing but support you and you seem to be committed to making my life miserable. Well, sir, if that is your M.O., congratulations. You have won...for now.
  • Justin Timberlake. Whatever. Where is your loyalty, J.T.? While I repeatedly rejected your sexual advances, I thought we were so past that! I expected your love for me would trump your support of the recently-super-gay Lance Bass. I can not believe you support his claim of gayness over my admission of straightness. Oh, and tell Cameron Diaz she's on notice just because she dates you.
  • Princes William and Harry. I do too have a royal pedigree! If you don't like me like that, just say so! Telling everyone I'm lack the qualifications to marry either of you is just cowardly. I hiss in your general direction.
  • Tom Cruise. Never-mind...you are just dead to me. You really need to ask, Maverick? Reason 1. Reason 2. Reason 3. Do I really need to go on? Dead. To. Me. Period.
  • David Hasselhoff. First off, giving yourself the nickname "The Hoff" makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Secondly, if you don't stop calling my house and asking me for dates, now that your divorce is final, I will get a restraining order against you...again. And tell your ex-wife the truth: I am not the other woman! You are big in Germany, but not in West Michigan. Deal with it. Oh, stop crying you fool! And applauding while you clap does not make it less pitiful!
  • The United States Constitution. You are a speciest mother effer, Constitution! I think it's insane that you won't let me vote, as a Democrat Feline...or should I cheesily say "Democat." Do you not think I can help drive this country? Shouldn't my voice be heard like every other red-blooded American? Also, the fact that the only requirements of our president is that he (I'd say "she," as well, but come on! How close are we really to that happening?) has to be born in the US, lived here for at least 14 years and 35 years or older. Shame on you for being overly discriminating on who can vote (ugh!) and not careful enough on who you allow to lead the country.
  • Oprah Winfrey. There is no particular reason for our secret fight right now, O. I just want you to know you are always on thin ice with me.
  • Rosie O'Donnell. I can not belieeeeeeve you did not book me as your first interview when you join The View. I thought we were close! Is it because I came out as "not gay" yesterday? Are you a sexual orientationist, Rosie? Oh, yes...I'm calling you out!
  • Paula Abdul. I went through our history already this week. I don't have the energy to confront you about it again. If I ever find you to release another song based on my words, I will...wait! You won't release another album!! Your days are o-ver. I feel better now. But I'm not removing you from the list.
  • Dread Pirate Blogger. You are a fickle bastard, Blogger! You promise so much to me, then continuously fail to deliver. "Photo Posting!" you say. Then, when I try to post pictures, you are all, "What? You want to post a photo? I don't think so..." I am hurt that I give you so much and you return with so little. I can't help but wonder if I've done something to offend you! Am I unworthy? Do I need to do more...HELL NO! Get your act together, Blogger! When you're good to me, I'm your biggest fan and advocate. If you continue to double-cross me, I will be forced to pee on your floor. Don't laugh! You are severely underestimating the overwhelming power of my urine scent!
  • My Blog Lurkers--and you know who you are! While I appreciate your reading devotion, I am hurt I don't hear from you. No feedback. No "Kukka-Maria, you are wicked awesome!" or "Kukka-Maria, I want to be just like you when I grow up!" or "Empress, can I name my child after you?" Come on, lurkers, take a risk! Make a comment! Let me know who you are so I can add you to my "Litter List." I mean, KEEP YOU OFF MY LITTER LIST!

Wow. I'm tired now. Secret fighting takes a lot out of a person! I need a nap now, during which I will dream up new and inventive ways to express my disdain for my secrenemies. Oh, yeah...that is my new word for "Secret Enemies." Hey, if "Brangelina" caught on, why can't "secrenemies" have legs?!

Are you jealous I just came up with that term? Don't make me add you to the list...just try me!

5 comments:

Zeus said...

I can see the necessity behind having these secret fights. However, I don't think they're too secretive anymore since you wrote about them.

Or was that some simple secret ploy to hide the real truth behind pseudo-truth? You know: Letting them know you know that you know what you know kind of thing?

Kukka-Maria said...

You got me, Zeus! I know it will get back to them (through people who know people who know people), but I have gone to great lengths to block out my secrenemys' IP Addresses. My blog is off limits to most of those on my Litter List.

Except for Wills and Harry (because they are hot).

And Lurkers (because they've really done nothing wrong).

And the US Constitution (because I don't think it actually has internet access, nor eyes to allow it to read).

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Empress...you may want to add the Jolie/Pitt gang to your list (or are they already on there and we just missed them?) We heard today a likeness of the baby will be made for a WAX MUSEUM! Hahahaha!

But wait...is there a likeness of you? Are you keeping this a secret from us for fear the place would be mobbed by your fans?

Carmen said...

Man, I guess I'm not famous enough to get invited to the blogaversary party. Maybe next time? ;)

Wendy sent me back.

kevinlucas said...

I can see the necessity behind having these secret fights.