Thursday, July 20, 2006

Tom Cruise, You are Dead to Me

Dear Tom,

While we fought at my party, I never thought you would stoop so low as to immediately invite Leah Remini to see your child before me.

Leah, if you're reading this, I do not hold you responsible. While I question your judgment in choosing to hang out with Mr. Cruise, I think you are a reasonably sound person...although, my respect for you would have skyrocketed had you smuggled photos of the child out of the house and sold them to the tabloids. But, alas, I can't always get what I want.

Back to Maverick. Sir, you are no longer on notice--you just don't exist in my world anymore.

Stop calling my house.

Stop crying, in the fetal position, in my front yard.

Stop begging me to take you back--your wailing is bothering my neighbors.

Stop trying to bribe me with expensive and luxurious gifts. Not only do you lack taste in your gift choices, I received a squillion amazing gifts for my blogiversary and am not in need of anything you can provide. At. All.

Stop going on talk shows (Dave, Jay, Conan, Ellen, etc.) and talking about how desperate you are to patch things up between us. As far as I'm concerned, I am Paris Hilton and you are Nicole Richie. Wait...I want to be Nicole, instead. Anyway, I hope you get my point.

I am unshakable on this issue, so it's in your best interest to take your child-bride (assuming you will make an honest Scientologist fembot of her) and your fake baby and hit the road, son.

I'm so suri, but goodbye forever,
(The Empress to you)


The Meezers said...

that leaves more room in your stable for more worthy tom CATS. - Miles

K T Cat said...

I really think you'll be happier without him. I suggst celebrating with some tuna. Lots of tuna.

Ayla said... offense Kukka but isn't Tom Cruise gay? The Mom is positive he is and is doing the whole Katie Holmes thing as a publicity stunt. You don't need him anyways when you have a whole bunch of cute boys fawning over you.

Cal the Wonderdog said...

phew, glad you got that settled. I wouldn't 'ave been able to sleep with that hanging over me.

And by the way, DON'T give back the presents.


beingmccrary said...

So suri, bwhahahaha, that's a good one Kukka. Hahaha.

William said...

I never liked that little midget anyway. And then, with all that jumping about awhile back? He was obviously trying to impress you, Kukka, but HE'S NO CAT.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Uh...who's this Leah Remini person? Is she someone you even need concern yourself with. We've never even heard of her!

BTW, good riddance to Tom!

Simone said...


Hrm hrm... thanks for the laugh with that fetal position comment!

Zeus said...

You know, I had thought I had seen him on Oprah the other day, wailing and shaking his fists up in the air, lamenting about you, but I wasn't sure if it was you or his supposed wife, Kate. He got on the chair and jumped up and down or some such so I assumed it was about you. This is such great clarification. Thanks!

P.S. There is no Suri Cruise! Wake up America!