A puberty book for cats.
I know what you're thinking: "But, Kukka! Isn't it the responsibility of the human captors to share these facts with their cats? Isn't it inappropriate that cats learn these things outside of the home?"
NEWSFLASH: They are already learning this outside of the home, via blogs, tasteless conversations with feral cats, rumors around the food and water bowls, whispers under the bed, etc. The problem is that they are learning inaccurate information! Do we really want to perpetuate this horror of cats spreading erroneous information to one another? NO!
In your fake question I fabricated above, you posed a great point about humans having the responsibility for sharing the magic of feline puberty with their cats. If you would, please, tell me what you know about the pubescent cycle of the Mediterranean Monk Seal. WITHOUT CLICKING THE LINK FIRST, CHEATER! WHAT? You can't tell me anything about the mysterious and beautiful changes the Monk Seal experiences during adolescence? I thought that might be the case. This is exactly why it is ridiculous to expect humans to explain feline puberty to their cats. Humans, in their ignorance, will mumble, stumble and share misguided and abstract information. Don't we really want better for our cats?
My book, tentively entitled "Feline Puberty: What the Hell is Happening to my Body?", is set to be released soon. Some of the chapter titles include:
- Going into Heat: The Scorching Details
- Engorged and Tender Nipples: Teats are your Friends
- YIKES! New and Mysterious Fur is Sprouting Everywhere!
- Self-Esteem: I Look Hideous! Just Let me Hide Under the Bed!!
- Humping Anything that Will Stand Still Enough: Not Just a "Dog Thing"
- They Chopped off My Nads: Am I Still a Man?
- When They Spayed Me, Did They Surgically Remove my Femininity?
- Coming to Terms with the Fact You Will Never Procreate
- Cat Coitus: Finding Pleasure Before and After you go Under the Knife
- Dating: What you are Looking for in a Tom or a Queen?
- Adulthood: The Joys and Responsibilities of Growing Up
Yes, puberty is a confusing time for many cats and, with the brilliance of my book, I hope to guide these kittens through the tunnel toward adulthood.
But just between you and me, I just wanted an opportunity to write about all that dirty, naughty, crazy shit! RRRROWWWWR!