Friday, July 07, 2006

What is happening to my body?

After the overwhelming response to my post about "The Talk" (when my mom told me where kittens come from), I have been in talks with a world-renown publishing company about writing a book.

A puberty book for cats.

I know what you're thinking: "But, Kukka! Isn't it the responsibility of the human captors to share these facts with their cats? Isn't it inappropriate that cats learn these things outside of the home?"

NEWSFLASH: They are already learning this outside of the home, via blogs, tasteless conversations with feral cats, rumors around the food and water bowls, whispers under the bed, etc. The problem is that they are learning inaccurate information! Do we really want to perpetuate this horror of cats spreading erroneous information to one another? NO!

In your fake question I fabricated above, you posed a great point about humans having the responsibility for sharing the magic of feline puberty with their cats. If you would, please, tell me what you know about the pubescent cycle of the Mediterranean Monk Seal. WITHOUT CLICKING THE LINK FIRST, CHEATER! WHAT? You can't tell me anything about the mysterious and beautiful changes the Monk Seal experiences during adolescence? I thought that might be the case. This is exactly why it is ridiculous to expect humans to explain feline puberty to their cats. Humans, in their ignorance, will mumble, stumble and share misguided and abstract information. Don't we really want better for our cats?

My book, tentively entitled "Feline Puberty: What the Hell is Happening to my Body?", is set to be released soon. Some of the chapter titles include:
  1. Going into Heat: The Scorching Details
  2. Engorged and Tender Nipples: Teats are your Friends
  3. YIKES! New and Mysterious Fur is Sprouting Everywhere!
  4. Self-Esteem: I Look Hideous! Just Let me Hide Under the Bed!!
  5. Humping Anything that Will Stand Still Enough: Not Just a "Dog Thing"
  6. They Chopped off My Nads: Am I Still a Man?
  7. When They Spayed Me, Did They Surgically Remove my Femininity?
  8. Coming to Terms with the Fact You Will Never Procreate
  9. Cat Coitus: Finding Pleasure Before and After you go Under the Knife
  10. Dating: What you are Looking for in a Tom or a Queen?
  11. Adulthood: The Joys and Responsibilities of Growing Up

Yes, puberty is a confusing time for many cats and, with the brilliance of my book, I hope to guide these kittens through the tunnel toward adulthood.

But just between you and me, I just wanted an opportunity to write about all that dirty, naughty, crazy shit! RRRROWWWWR!

14 comments:

Ayla said...

Puberty? What's that? I got spayed so early in my life I don't remember going through any of those things. As for boyfriends? Bah. I'm stuck with the most annoying immature Brats and I'm too old to be chasing after the boys. They can chase after me if they want, but I'm staying put.

Bonnie Underfoot said...

I'm wif Ayla. And what about combination surgery - I was fixed AND declawed in one! Can you explain that? What did my scratching haf to do wif puberty?

Is it hot in here? It seems hot in here. Got a fan or sumfing?

Kukka-Maria said...

Ladies, I believe Chapter 4 (on Self-Esteem) and Chapters 7-11 are still appropriate for a spayed feminine feline.

As for the declawing? Oh, the HORROR, Bonnie! I hate to say it, but that had more to do with your humans than it did with you. Declawing is not a normal part of feline puberty. I'd ask your humans about that.

Gemini said...

Wow! I can't wait to read your book. Georgia keeps telling me she'll tell me when I'm older. Chey thinks I'm silly for wanting to know...

DEBRA said...

Honey Kukka

I am glad that those ovaries were taken out. NO need to worry about birth control. Ooooo wee I'm a free woman...oops I mean feline.

*ABBY

Bonnie Underfoot said...

Thanks, Kukka. My staff and I had a difference of opinion about claws and flesh. Who wants a dead scratching post or fake mouse when you have live hands, legs and feet moving in front of you? What's a little blood and a few scars among friends, right?

Zeus said...

I see that no male kitty has responded, so I'll approach this as nicely as I can...


Whispers:
Kukka, may I have just Chapter 6 please? I don't really need the rest of the book, thanks.

Kukka-Maria said...

Zeus, see...I thought Chapters 3, 5, 6, 8, 9 (definitely), 10 and 11 were Tomcat appropriate. And the rest of the book will give you a keener insight to the feminine feline mind...

But, if you have a handle on everything but Chapter 6, I'll send it to you once the book is released.

You are a wise one, dear Zeus!

Gigolo Kitty said...

Way to go Kukka! Perhaps you could include bit about inappropriate humping of furniture as a warning to those poor innocents.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

No doubt, your book will skyrocket to the top of the New York Times bestseller list!! But surely you'll have autographed, advance copies for all your friends?

Zeus said...

Alright, Kukka...

Chapter 6 for me and then Chapter 9 then as well in case I ever meet you.

This is so embarassing...

Diva Kitty said...

I think I just peed myself - I was laughing so hard.

Anonymous said...

Kukka-Marie, you need a cold shower, stat!

shrinkykitten said...

Will there be anything about body image? Cuz one boycat I know got gross zits when he turned 3. Yuck! And I noticed that when I hit puberty - I started gaining weight in yucky places! That's okay for boys, but how can I be a delicate kitty cat with chubby hips? Also, are those hormone things responsible for my mood swings and my need to act out sometimes? Maybe there could be a chapter for mommies and daddies to help them understand what we are going through.

When exactly am I considered an adult?