Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Your Chance to Give me Stuff!

Let's get this out in the open straight away: I am not having a party to commemorate the one year mark of my blog. There will be no teleporting of cats to my house to celebrate at a party I'm hosting because:

  1. Teleporting felines and all things supernatural make me feel oogie--which is why Mr. Tom Cruise and I no longer date (Scientology=Creepy). That...and the fact he is a selfish lover.
  2. I don't want to have to share my food and treats with other cats--virtual or actual.
  3. Finally, throwing my own party is tacky and I am a staunch opponent of the idea that the honoree is supposed to organize their own celebration. Bah!
Having said that, though, I am open to receiving expensive gifts! And, keep in mind, these gifts are for me--and me only! While Brach is a sometimes-contributor to this chaotic mess, the blog is mine (hence the super-sexy boudoir shot of yours truly at the top of the page and the title "Memoirs of Feline Empress in Exile." No Emperors here!).

The official cut-off date for giving me gifts is...well, there is not a real cut-off date. If you want your gift to count toward your blogiversary obligation, then I should receive it by Saturday, July 15--the official anniversary of my blog.

If the gift is late, no worries; I will just credit it toward your birthday gift to me (Aug 30). Understand that if this happens, though, your permanent record will still show a deficit for my blogiversary celebration in 2006, causing you to have to buy 2 gifts next year and incur the appropriate late fees for your tardiness. Clearly you've read that in your contract, so I'm just telling you things you already know! And, of course, if you have questions about the legal relationship between Kukka-Maria (blogger) and [INSERT NAME HERE] (reader), you can always confer with my brilliant legal team, made up of uneducated, yet vicious feral alley cats!

Now that I've gotten the legal mumbo-jumbo out of the way, I am pleased to announce my gift registration lists for my official blogiversary extravaganza! I have registered for the following items:

    • Pink Leather Stainless Steel Flask to hold all of my booze. You might want to spring for the engraving, as I am sure to leave it behind somewhere as I'm bar-hopping. ALREADY GIFTED BY MILES MEEZER.
    • Thigh-High Vinyl Boots (two pair for all of my legs). While I am sure human ankle boots would hit my thighs, they are not quite as sexy and you know I have to lure more tomcats to my stable...
    • Vintage cigarette holder to perpetuate my allure. Audrey Hepburn has nothing on me! ALREADY GIFTED BY BONI, SANJEE, MINI, PEPI AND GREE
    • Louis Vuitton pet carrier so I can tote Brach with me on my treks around the world (or at least my treks around the living room). ALREADY GIFTED BY MIA & GHOST AND PRINCESS ZIPORAH
    • Oasis Halter bikini top (the Cliffrose Pink looks stunning against my fur). This is on clearance at this point in the season, so I won't feel badly for telling you I have registered for 3 of them to cover all (or most) of my nips. ONE HALTER ALREADY GIFTED BY GEMINI, GEORGIA AND CHEYSULI--THERE ARE STILL TWO LEFT ON MY REGISTRY
    • Pink Pet Stroller SUV (inspired by one of my boyfriends, Buddy). With its high-traction tires and Sport Utility Vehicle billing, I am looking forward to doing some rough off-roading in this baby! Two-Tracking and Bog Blasting, here I come!! After all, they don't call me "The Dirty Birdy Empress" for nothing. It is because I go off-roading, right? Isn't that what they mean by "dirty?" Mom! Look into it--I can't afford the bad press!
    • Ferrari F430 Spider--just to get me around town. Nothing major. ALREADY GIFTED BY THE AMAZING ZEUS
    • Insurance for the Ferrari F430 Spider (for the rest of my life or as long as the car lasts--whichever comes first). You can use any insurer you wish and, other than the fact I don't have a driver's license, my driving record is impeccable. That should make it cheaper.
    Please don't disrespect one another as you clamor to choose your favorite gift to give. Since most of you (except Squilliam and his dimes) don't have exorbitant funds, you'll probably want to chip in together for some of these.

    Just make sure you all sign the card, so I know who to give credit for the gift and I don't invoice the wrong people for flaking out on giving me a gift.

    WHEW! With all the preparation I've put into this gift-giving process, I can't imagine why this would not run smoothly!


    The Meezers said...

    oh no oh no oh no - Kukka, what if I can't get your purresents to you by your purrfday? I will has to go out and get a JOB to get money, 'acause Mommy hides her credit cards from us. And Sammy won't share his pennies wif me. and where are we 'apposed to send the purresents once we gets them for you? - Miles ::fretting nervously about getting kicked out of the tomcast stable::

    Kukka-Maria said...

    If you cannot purchase any of my requested items, Miles, you won't be booted from the Tomcat Stable...you're way too cute!

    If you can't get your paws on the credit cards and you're short on cash, you can always draw a picture of the item of your choice and post it on your blog for me.

    Your creativity would be gift enough!

    DaisyMae Maus said...

    The Feline Americans and I would like to congratulate you on the one year anniversary of your blog (I've only been blogging for about 24 hours). Lucky Charmz has a stash of pennies from his recycling ... and I know where he keeps his piggy bank! Do you have any color preference for your two pair of thigh-high vinyl boots? Any color looks good on me since I'm a tuxedo cat (and I'm not TOO picky), but you're an Empress ... I was thinking purple or royal blue.

    Fond regards from DaisyMae and her Feline Americans

    Kukka-Maria said...

    Thanks for the congratulations, DaisyMae!

    I don't know whether to be flattered or offended by your question about boot color. Your reference to Tuxedo Cats looking good in anything somehow implies I may not look good in everything. Hmmmmm...

    Since you're new and don't really understand the admiration I require from my readers, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that any color boots would be welcome (as long as all four are consistent).

    Thanks for visiting, DaisyMae and keep on keepin' on!

    George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

    Oh Empress

    We would so love to present you with an extravagant gift as a token of our unending, deep affection for you. But, having admired & envied Buddy's stroller, we checked out the price and find that not only can we not scrape up $299.00, $29.99 or $2.99, we're having trouble moving the couch cushions to try and find even $.29. (Note to Wm: If you could get up off 2 dimes, we might be able to donate $.09!)

    George, Tipper, Max & Misty

    Zippy said...

    Dearest Kukka Maria, being an actual princess - Pretty Pretty Princess Ziporah - but not having a blog, I was wondering how to get you your blogiversary gift. I have no problem purchasing the gift, as my mom often leaves her credit card unguarded not relizing that I can (and will) use it on internet shopping sites.

    Kukka-Maria said...

    Princess Ziporah, I'm curious...why do you allow them to call you "Zippy" with such a regal name like Ziporah? I mean, I cringe when my mother calls me "Kukka-Bird" or "Kookie" or crap like that!

    As for you not having a blog, but desiring to give me a blogiversary gift? You can always email me a gift to: kukkabrach-blog@yahoo.com!

    But, for your own sake (because I sense you have some great tales to tell), I think you should start a blog.

    Zeus said...

    Dearest Empress Kukka-Maria,

    In honor of your desire to be seen in only the classiest and sportiest of vehicles, I would like to be the one to purchase for you your very own Ferari F430 Spider. After all, as you are the sunshine in my life, you deserve something that can carry you at the speed of light, yes?

    I will do what I can to get you your gift in time for your celebration.

    You have certainly crashed into my heart, my furry Kukka-Maria. In the words of Gwen Stefani, "Back it up, back it up! You got it! You got it!"

    Eternally yours,


    DEBRA said...


    I hope you like the little gift I picked out for you...


    Aloysius said...


    I was shopping all day and I finally found something that is fit for a feline empress.


    Happy Blogoversary!

    Xavier said...

    Dear Angel Kukka,

    Happy Purrday, I hope you like your gift.


    Derby said...

    Dear Kukka, Stop by and check out your goodies.

    Mouse said...

    Hi Kukka,
    I hope you receive my gift. I had it sent so that you would receive it today. It wasnt on your list of gifts but it is really something a female poodin shouldnt live without. If you want to look at it before it arrives just go to:

    William said...

    Kukka, Kukka, great news! My mom found another penny to add to my yard stash! I'm saving up just for you, but it's going to take me a little bit longer. But you know what's better than anything?


    Feline Oligarchy said...

    Dear Kukka,
    It took us a long time to arrange for your gift, but we'd like to present you with the opportunity to wear those bikini pieces (and the nipple ring) in our all-expense-paid week long vacation trip to a luxurious beach resort.


    We hope you enjoy it and that it will inspire many more blog entries in the next year!


    Alberta, Sky, Blackie and Charlie