Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

Ok, people. Even though you couldn't possibly understand how exhausting being an empress truly is, I am hoping you will at least support my need for a vacation.

I am off on a booze cruise through the Greek Isles for the next few days! We have a huge week of birthdays in our house this week (me, my agent, and then Brach), so it just seemed fitting we jet to Europe and take a breather.

I may check in at times throughout the week (if the wi-fi in Greece is reliable), but if we don't cross paths, please do not interpret my absence to mean I love you less than you love me. I do, of course, but tying it to my absence just doesn't make any sense!

If you happen to read about a carousing cat, crocked out of her mind, running around topless on Ibiza, it's not me. I mean, it's probably me, but until you see photographic proof, assume I'm innocent.

Speaking of photographs...care to suggest a caption for this beauty before the tabloids describe it for us? Damn paparazzi!

See you in a few days! I can't wait to come back and show you my tan lines--or lack thereof (if you know what I mean...and I think you do...because I'm practically spelling it out for you...)!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Open Letter to my Agent, Vol 8

Dearest Crazy,

If you put another call through from Tom Cruise, I will claw your eyes out as you sleep. Don't laugh. I totally will! For the record, I do not wish to date him (again), I do not wish to convert to Scientology (ever), I do not wish to fund his next movie endeavor (he's cah-raaaaazy), and I don't want to be photographed with Suri (even though that is what he and the rest of the world is waiting for).

When you distribute treats and Brach is too damn lazy to come to the kitchen, I don't think it's fair that you take his share back. The dispensation should be standard and the feline(s) in attendance (me) should be allowed to determine what to do with the unused portion. Check your feline manual, woman. I'm not making this shit up! Also, when he does meander into the kitchen a few minutes later, I don't think it is cool for you to quarantine me so you can give him his share. If you snooze, you lose! That's always been my rule...except when it comes to me. But then, when have I ever snoozed through the scattering of the treats?

When I wish for you to pet me, I will use all the necessary manipulation tactics at my disposal. I find the "Gurgling Bronchial Turmoil" purr works well. You know...the one that makes you think I'm choking on my own saliva! Whatever you wish to call it, I will continue to use it to use it so you will feel sorry for me and scratch the living daylights out of my neck and ear regions.

Speaking of bodily regions, I will continue to lick my butt in front of the open sliding glass door--no matter how embarrassing you say it is for the both of us. I've invited you to join me and you have declined. I'm flexible. You're jealous. Get over it and mind your own business!

Otherwise...you're doing a stellar job! Keep up the good work, lady!

Graciously Yours,
The Empress

Friday, August 25, 2006

Behind the Music--Kukka & Poison

In 1985, when the band formerly knows as "Paris" hit the L.A. scene, Kukka-Maria attended a concert. Though completely intoxicated, she recognized the potential these men possessed and approached them with an opportunity. She was going to be their lead singer. She climbed on stage, grabbed the microphone, and shrieked sang over Bret Michaels, the lead vocalist. While the band was visibly disturbed, the audience went wild for the exciting combination of feline howling and glam metal jamming.

When the concert was over, history was made when the band asked Kukka-Maria to join the band permanently. She agreed on one condition. They change their name to "Poison" and that every night, they pledge to always back-comb their hair higher than they did the night before. "Big hair is going to be the rage, boys! Get those combs and hairspray out and make me proud!" As legend has it, Kukka is also the inspiration behind the notorious stage make-up of late 80's hair bands.

After touring around the country, Poison was offered a recording deal and released "Look What the Cat Dragged In" in 1986. This album was a clear reference to their new lead singer, Kukka. And, while the album doesn't reflect it, Kukka's drunken phone calls to Bret late at night were the inspiration for the hit "Talk Dirty to Me."

Bret Michaels: "Kukka was my heart and soul. At that point in my life, it was critical I find a woman who could keep me grounded; we were experiencing such profound success in such a short period of time. Kukka was the one who reminded me that no matter how many breasts I autographed, her multiple nipples were the thing I loved coming home to."

After releasing their second and third albums, "Open Up and Say...Ahh!" and "Flesh & Blood," the band began their downward spiral. By the time their fourth album, "Swallow this Live" released, drugs and alcohol had taken a toll on the band.

Kukka: "Those were really heady times. Bret and I had a lot of conflict and sexual tension, creating a strong love/hate relationship. C.C. Deville had his own love/hate relationships with cocaine and alcohol. It was at this time, I decided I would need to leave the band in order to gain some sort of balance."

Upon Kukka-Maria's departure, she was courted by many other glam hair bands. Quiet Riot, desperate to reprise the extreme popularity they achieved in the early to mid 1980's, offered Kukka-Maria a very lucrative deal. Former flame, Stephen Pearcy of RATT, called daily in order to coerce The Empress into joining their band and remake "Round and Round," with a female edge. Band after band pursued her. Aerosmith, Van Halen, KISS, and Mötley Crüe would not stop knocking on her door.

She turned them all down.

Opting for a quiet life in West Michigan, she decided to focus on her life's goal: To be famous for being famous.

So, where are they now?

  • Bret Michaels (Vocalizin' and Socializin') has his own production company and is touring with Poison during the summer of 2006. He continues to send Kukka emails, asking for her hand in marriage. She declines every time.
  • Rikki Rockett (Sticks, Tricks and Lipstick Fix) has joined with Chop Shop Drums to create a drum line. Lately, he's been calling Kukka for dates.
  • Bobby Dall (Bass Rapin' and Heartbreakin') lives in Indialantic, Florida. He declined to participate in this documentary.
  • C.C. DeVille (Guitar Screechin' and Hair Bleachin') spent many years in and out of rehab. Most recently, he was seen on Season 6 of VH1's Surreal Life. While he has made no attempt to contact Kukka-Maria, he speaks publicly of his love for her every chance he gets.
  • Kukka-Maria (Silver Voice, Golden Vagina) has gone on to remarkable success! She has been romantically linked to many hot celebrities (Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise (before his recent craziness), George Clooney (although reps for both deny this), and many more. After receiving various nominations for Oscars, Golden Globes, Tonys (or would that be Tonies), etc., she agreed to release an album of her greatest solo hits. Due to the fact she has never released a single solo album, her fans have been hungry to get their hands on this one! Blogging every week day, she receives eleventy-gajillion hits per hour and has numerous requests to author a book (or two, or three...). Recently launching her own clothing line, the demand for Kukka's talents and time continue to grow in numbers and intensity.

Kukka-Maria and Poison have made a strong impression on our society. But more Kukka and less Poison. If you were to be honest with yourself, I think you would admit that not a day goes by without you singing:

"Cause baby we'll be
At the drive-in
In the old man's Ford
Behind the bushes
Till I'm screamin' for more
Down the basement
Lock the cellar door
And Kukka...
Talk dirty to me!"

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thursday Thirteen Postponed

I am so sorry I will not have a Thursday Thirteen post today, as there was a death in my agent's family (great aunt). I suppose, at this point, I should admit that most a few of my posts are typed by her.

I will post tomorrow. Please do not cry.

Seriously, do not cry! I will be back tomorrow!

I'm not kidding. Stop it! Your snot is running down your face and dripping on your keyboard. I'm not sure how, exactly, but I imagine that could do some serious damage to your computer!

Sobbing does not look good on you. Plus, it is going to make your eyes all red and puffy. Imagine what that will look like on the tabloid covers! That should be enough to make you stop.

Thanks, guys. I appreciate your understanding.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Inside the Actors Studio--Kukka-Maria

[Open on James Lipton staring out into the crowd, stone-faced, from behind his desk, blue cards in hand.]

James Lipton: If I had a choice between interviewing my next guest.. or getting in my homemade time machine, going back in time to Ancient Rome, riding into town on the shoulders of a bare-chested man as peasants threw gifts and shouted "Long Live James Lipton"...I would send Gaius Julius Caesar my regrets! For if a single moment of her life were placed in an envelope, wrapped in aluminum foil, dipped in hot wax, strategically covered with shards of glass, and placed on a limestone catafalque...it would still be so powerful it could cure some form of malaria. Ladies and gentlemen...please welcome...Empress Kukka-Maria.

[Amidst deafening applause, Kukka-Maria enters the stage and leaps onto two silk pillows, stacked on a chair, across from James Lipton.]

JL: Her Royal Highness, Empress Kukka-Maria...Welcome.

KM: Thank you, I am glad to be here.

JL: [Grabbing a blue index card from the towering stack in front of him, James Lipton pauses for dramatic effect before continuing.] Where were you born?

KM: I was born in Rothbury, Michigan.

JL: Tell us about your birth parents. What were their names?"

KM: My father was Emperor Charles Augustus Poodly Dolfus William Henry Isaac Newton Smith. My mother's name was Willow Danae. My father passed away during the summer of 1999, leaving me to inherit his throne. As far as I know, my alcoholic birth-mother lives in North Dakota and only calls when she needs money for booze.

JL: If you were supposed to take over the throne, how is it that you ended up 32.54 miles away from your empire?

KM: It's the typical boy-meets-girl/boy-loses-girl tale, James. I would have inherited the throne, but I, unfortunately, was born female. The animal empire decided they could not...would not be led by a chick and forced me from my home. As a small kitten of merely 5 weeks, I was dropped off at the Double JJ Ranch in Rothbury.

[The audience offers up a collective gasp.]

JL: With all due respect, Kukka-Maria, I don't believe you are using the "boy-meets-girl" reference correctly.

KM: With all due respect, James Lipton, you are a douche bag.

JL: Touché, Empress...Touché. In the early autumn of 1999, your adopted mother...I'm sorry, agent, traveled to the ranch for an offsite work event, where she met you for the first time. Tell us how she came to adopt you.

KM: When my agent arrived, I saw her group heading to a conference room, so I followed. Upon noticing I was trying to go with them, she picked me up and held me as I immediately fell asleep. Of course, she thought I was bonding with her, but in all honesty, I was just glad to have a warm, soft spot in which to sleep. You see, up until that point, I had been sleeping in either the barn or in the gift shop on a hard shelf. Later, on a break, either she asked the ladies in the store if I was their kitten, if I was available for adoption, or if I knew I was the most beautiful and super-sexiest kitten in the world. I can't remember what she said, exactly, as I was zonked on her bosom, drooling and dreaming. I imagine it was the latter.

JL: In the spring of 2000, you began dating Brad Pitt.

[The audience bursts into applause.]

KM: Yes, I did. For the sake of his privacy--and mine, I prefer not to talk too much about it. I will say we shared a freaky-deaky love affair that was destined to burn brightly, but end quickly. I told him early on, that I knew I could never love him the way he deserved and that, when the steamy love was over, it would be important that he move on. For both our sakes.

JL: In the fall of 2000, you won a Daytime Emmy for my captivating portrayal of the teenage runaway, "Tawny" on All My Children. People were surprised that a cat won!

KM: Yes, James. I think, though, they were more surprised that I won for a scene that ended up on the cutting-room floor. I blame the inept director and talentless crew. They claim they were not able to figure out how to effectively film my too-tall human co-stars and my perfectly petite self in the same scene. I think they were just intimidated by my talent and grace.

JL: I agree, Empress...I agree. As you know, I like to end my interviews with the 10 questions made famous by the renown French journalist and interviewer, Bernard Pivot.

KM: Yes, I know, James. Everyone freakin' knows. Bring them on.

JL: What is your favorite word?

KM: Kukka. It means "flower" in Finnish and is the name of my favorite cat in the entire world. She is beautiful and talented, intelligent and creative, super-sexy and...

JL: [Interrupting Kukka-Maria's self-love fest] What is your least favorite word?

KM: No. I hate being denied my every desire.

JL: What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

KM: My own reflection.

JL: What turns you off?

KM: Criticism.

JL: What is your favorite curse word?

KM: Fuck. It's got the FFFFF and the UHHHHH and the CK! It's harsh and it's bold and it's scandalous, but then again, so am I! Sometimes there just isn't any other word that can effectively convey your emotions.

JL: What sound or noise do you love?

KM: The sound of the treat jar being shaken.

JL: What sound or noise do you hate?

KM: The moment when the applause stops.

JL: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

KM: Exotic dancer.

JL: What profession would you not like to do?

KM: Litterbox scooper.

JL: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

KM: "Kukka-Maria! It's about time you got here! I need your help!"

JL: It's truly been an honor to spend this time with you. Normally we open the floor to the students so they can ask you questions to help them in their studies. Tonight I am going to forego that. I feel as though your wisdom and skill far surpasses their abilities. Plus, I feel as though I have done such a wonderful job interviewing you, there are no other questions to ask. Kukka-Maria, you are a true talent, true beauty and a true empress.

[Lights fade as they audience applauds.]

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Class Action Suit, Sans Class

Now they've gone and done it!

It's one thing to call me a slut. It's another thing to call me a drunken, loose tramp. It's yet another thing to say that I'm an abomination to the feline species and a dirty, dirty, dirty whore. But to accuse me of mothering a crapload of illegitimate kittens? You, sir, have crossed the line!

Yes, I am the defendant in a Class Action Maternity Suit! I received papers yesterday from my feral alley cat attorneys, "Itchy, Scratchy, Boots and Goldstein, Attorneys at Law." In the suit, I am being accused of "slutting it up" and "mothering over 200 illegitimate kittens over an alarmingly short period of time." The suit further claims I "failed to nurture the kittens appropriately" due to my "extreme concern" over the "potential sagging" of my "enormous bazooms" from breast-feeding.

Now, I know they're lying. I would never have used the words "enormous bazooms!" "Honkin' hooters," maybe, but never "enormous bazooms."

Of the 200 plaintiffs, here are four of my "alleged" offspring:

  • Rocky was a stray, found near a prison. I have to admit, when I read that, I thought he just might be my baby! After all, I have dated a few prisoners in my day. When his profile said he was merely 6 months old, I was relieved! It's been at least 14 months since my last conjugal visit with Bruiser!
  • Litabit sure had the supermodel pose, causing me, for a mere moment, to think she may have sprung from my loins. It became clear she was no kitten of mine, though, when I saw her yellow eyes. Come on! She would have to wear green-tinted contact lenses in order to even appear normal! Everyone knows my kittens would be born with eyes that naturally coordinated with their fur!
  • Celina was a dead ringer for me. So much so, I thought I was looking into a mirror. A mirror that accentuated my youth, yet curiously, made me appear a wee-bit less attractive. Upon seeing my her sweet face staring back at me, I was overwhelmed. I actually hoped she was my baby! Then I realized she was just too cute and, while my children would be exquisite, they sure wouldn't threaten my position as super-sexiest-feline-diva! No, ma'am!
  • Poppy, especially in the "passed out drunk" pose, could have easily been confused as my offspring! I could almost smell the Jim Beam evaporating from the photograph, virtually guaranteeing this cat was my kitten! Then, I saw she was an adult. Sister, maybe. Daughter, nope!

The file continued, page after long page, with hundreds of cats laying claim to my lineage and fortune. Bitsy, Rascal, Pom-Pom, Sassy, Freak-Nasty, Oprah, Jay Leno, Geraldo...I could go on and on, but to be honest, I don't really remember most of their names.

I'm sort of nervous about this lawsuit! How am I going to defend myself against all of these lock-tight maternity cases? Am I going to be taken for every penny I have? Am I am going to be left in financial ruin and emotional turmoil? This story will be on every tabloid cover in the entire world! How in the hell will I maintain my reputation as super-easy with no strings attached, if I am held responsible for birthing all of these kittens? How will I even bounce back from this type of scandal?

Oh, yes. I forgot!

I was spayed when I was six-weeks old! Since the gestation period for cats is 9-9½ weeks, this makes it impossible for them to hold me accountable for the maternal neglect I never unleashed!

Suck on that, kitten-support-hungry baby-daddys!

[Editor's note: The four cats who played the featured roles of "Alleged Offsprings 1-4" are currently available for adoption at The Noah Project in Muskegon, Michigan. Simply click on their name to see their profiles. While there are no guarantees they will have Kukka's...ahem...congenial disposition and overwhelming humility, if you live in the West Michigan area and would like to adopt a Kukka of your own, this is a great opportunity. If you live elsewhere and wish to adopt a cat, who will ultimately own you, please visit http://www.petfinder.com/ to search for a pretty kitty in your area.

If you are not able to adopt, please remember that shelters in your area are always in need of supplies!]

Monday, August 21, 2006

Drunk Dialing Ex-Boyfriends

But not MY old boyfriends!

Oh, no! This weekend, I spent some serious time enjoying one of my favorite past-times: Drunk-dialing my agent's ex-boyfriends. I love disguising my voice to sound like hers and making sloppy phone calls to all the men she's loved before. Well, some of the men...I don't have enough free time to dedicate myself to the exhausting task of calling all the men. I'll just spell it out: She is a slut. [Editor's note: I am not, you evil little cat!]

I suppose, to protect the innocent, I will change the names. It's the least I can do. So, to shield their identities, I will refer to them as she always did--by their pet names. Enjoy the following conversations. I sure did!

[Ring, ring...(Yes, I feel the need to include the sound-effects in my transcripts. Quit laughing at me!)]

Red Hot Pookie Pie: Hello?
Kukka: Hiya, stud!
RHPP: Hot Lush Lips? Is that you?
Kukka: [Slurring my words for effect, I lower my voice as if I'm a phone-sex operator.] You know it's me, hunka-hunka-burnin'-love! Whatcha doin'?
RHPP: I'm watching a movie with my girlfriend. Why are you calling me? I thought you said I disgusted you!
Kukka: I said no such thing! You know, I've been thinking about you recently. A lot!
RHPP: You have? What have you been thinking?
Kukka: I've been thinking about how much I miss how you used to...["Red Hot Pookie Pie? Who is that on the phone?" It's clear, by the sound of her tone, the girlfriend hates it when RHPP hooks up with old girlfriends. How selfish is she?]
RHPP: [Lowering his voice to a whisper, he continues without answering her.] Listen, Hot Lush Lips, it sounds to me that you've had some cocktails tonight. Maybe you should call me another time--when you're sober. We can have lunch or something, to catch up.
Kukka: I would love to catch you!
RHPP: Sounds like a plan, Lushy. Why don't you have some coffee now. It will make you feel better and, hopefully, bring you to your senses. I'll talk with you later, okay?
Kukka: I miss you, Pookie. I look forward to a quickie at lunch!
RHPP: No quickie. Just lunch. In a public place. Where nothing will happen.
Kukka: Whatever. You know, on second thought, you should just go to hell! In fact, don't you ever call me again!
RHPP: I didn't call you! You called me, you drunken mess!
Kukka: You mother-fu...[Pookie hangs up on me. I laugh and look up the next number.]

[Brrrrrring, brrrrrring...Yes, his phone sounded very different. Why must you focus so much on the details?]

Squishy Bear's Wife: Hello?
Kukka: Squishy Bear? I'm naked. [While she does have a low voice, I am fully aware it's her and decide to have some bonus fun!]
SBW: Who is this?
Kukka: You know who it is, baby. Why don't you come over and we can hook up like we do all the time? Yes, I'm talking about having all the sex with you.
SBW: Who the hell is this?
Kukka: [Speaking very deliberately, as if, in my booze-soaked state, I am trying desperately to sound sober] Seriously, Squishy Bear. You have talked about leaving that nag of a wife for some time now. Let's run away together--like we've always planned!
SBW: Listen. I don't know who you are, but I'm calling the police!
Kukka: Call me later, when your wife goes to sleep.
SBW: Crazy bitch! [SBW hangs up the phone violently as I cackle with glee. Now, who is next?]

[Ring, ring]

Kissy Boo-Boo Baby: Yo.
Kukka: Hey, Boo-Boo. Do you know who this is?
KBBB: Oh, yes I do, Numnum Sugar Lips! Where have you been all my life, sexy?
Kukka: I was calling because I had a few drinks and was, of course, thinking of you.
KBBB: You were? What were you thinking about?
Kukka: I was remembering all the great times we shared and wondering why we ever broke up!
KBBB: We broke up because you said I was a stalker and creeped you out.
Kukka: [I start sobbing for dramatic effect] I...never...said...that! I alwaysh luffed yeeeeeew!
KBBB: You took out a restraining order against me, Sugar Lips! I lost my job when I had to go to jail for 30 days because I sat outside your house with a boom-box over my head, playing "Every Rose has its Thorn" by the super-talented glam metal band, Poison.
Kukka: [Suddenly bombarded with horrifying memories and growing quite nervous, I attempt to quickly end the conversation.] Boo-Boo? Listen, I have to go. I am being arrested because I am being drunk and disorderly. I can't hold the phone in my paws...I mean hands anymore because the pigs are cuffing me. It was nice talking to you, but...
KBBB: I am coming for you, Numnum! Don't you worry, I will save you and we will be together forever. For-ev-er!
Kukka: Boo-Boo...I'm not even Sugar Lips! It's Kukka-Maria, the one who severely scratched your face and left you scarred forever! Don't come here! It's me, Kukk...!
KBBB: [Hangs up the phone]
Kukka: Crap. Crap. Shit! MOM! We have an issue! Kissy Boo-Boo Baby just called. He's drunk and on his way over here! I can not stress this enough: He was completely unprovoked. This was his own idea. He came up with it by himself! Bolt the door! Turn out the lights!

Fortunately, Kissy Boo-Boo Baby was detained by the squillions of paparazzi permanently camped in front of our house until the police came. I guess the paparazzi are good for something!

Maybe drunk-dialing my agent's ex-boyfriends wasn't such a good idea. No, it totally was. I just need to choose my victims more carefully next time. And, now that I think of it, I can't be held responsible for the fact she keeps these crazies in her little black book! Note to my agent: Lose the stalkers' phone numbers!

Friday, August 18, 2006

Divorce Dialing--Worse than Drunk Dialing

Well, it's started. With all of the recent celebrity splits, it was inevitable my phone would be ringing off the hook with men seeking a rebound chick.

And it has been ringing, indeed!

First, there was Sir Paul McCartney. "Kukka, you know I have always loved you! You knew it when I secretly dedicated Ebony and Ivory to you. You know how your shiny, ebony fur drives me mad!" I'm so sorry, Sir Bedroom Eyes. When you chose Heather Mills over me and left me to explain our break-up in the media, I swore I would never fall into your love-trap again (for dramatic affect, again is pronounced AH-GANE). And I shant. Goodbye.

Then, it was Nick Lachey. He and I were supposed to marry at one time, but I told him I would never display our relationship in an MTV reality show. Desperate for the publicity, he chose to hook up with Jessica Simpson. Um...gag. I was not surprised, though, when he called earlier this week. "Love Bunny...do you miss me? Do you love me? Will you ever forgive me?" No, Nick. I will never forgive you--no matter how many times you try to woo me by singing I do (Cherish You) to me over the phone...and on my voicemail...and via email...and in messages through my agent...and during your radio interviews...need I go on, Nick? The message is clear: I am not interested.

Dave Navarro...Dave Navarro. You are just embarrassing yourself. I got the bouquet of Goth, black roses. I received the diamond collar. I even saw the airplane, toting an "I HEART KUKKA" banner fly over my house. Stop. Just stop. My disinterest is not due to the fact that Carmen Electra has publicly called me "The Other Kitty," nor the fact that you've ogled Brooke Burns during the entire season of "Rock Star: Supernova." I'm not jealous. Would a jealous cat keep a Tomcat Stable full of suitors? I think not. Stop sending me gifts. I have a feeling you are going to need your money for your divorce.

And what of Travis Barker, from Blink-182? I received your hand-written letter, Travis--complete with the cologne-spritzed floral paper and kissy marks next to your signature. Yes, I was flattered when you tattooed my likeness on your left butt cheek. Yes, I get your secret signals for me--blinking repeatedly throughout your many appearances on MTV's TRL. Don't get me wrong, I like the attention; however, I refuse to hook up with a man who names his daughter "Alabama." It's a notoriously racist state! (Editor's disclaimer: Not all residents of Alabama are, nor have been, racist. One should never assume that the narrow-minded opinions of a few people living in a single location define the entire state. Kukka would not know this, however, as she refuses to be bothered with what she calls "poopy national news.") I know I've been spayed and will never have kittens with you, but I just can't take the risk you would name my kitten "Mississippi." Or, for that matter, "Louisiana!"

Charlie Sheen, QUIT CALLING ME! It's just getting creepy now!

Kate Hudson, I've told you I don't swing that way and, based on your own statements and history, I didn't think you did, either! When I lunched with your mother the other day at The Ivy, she told me you've woken from fitful nights of sleep, calling my name. Whatever. I call out "Rush Limbaugh" in my sleep and I am confident (hopeful) this doesn't mean anything. While I'm not into you, I wouldn't mind having one night with your soon-to-be ex, Chris Robinson. The Counting Crows make me hot! Wait? What? I'm being told he is with the Black Crowes. Nevermind. Do you have a phone number for Adam Duritz?

Finally, Brad Garrett of TV's Everybody Loves Raymond. You're too tall and your voice is in a register so low, that cats can not hear it. When you call me, all I hear on the other end is, "Mmmmnnnph, blah blah, hrumph." Not sexy. I would be open to receiving some tummy rubs from your huge hands, though! I hope you don't confuse this intimate act, for a long-term relationship, Brad. The sweet ones always do. It's not love. It's just giving hand. And some wiggling fingers. And maybe some...yeah, call me.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #2

Thirteen Celebrity Cats--Where are They Now?

1. Felix, The Cat. In very early, experimental broadcasts, Felix made his television debut in 1928! While many people have thought Felix was long gone, it is just not true. Retired and living in Boca Raton, Florida, Felix spends his days competing in heated Canasta tournaments. It is quite common to see him sporting a brightly-colored Hawaiian shirt, black socks and sandals (on all four paws). "The delight of spending time with my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren is why I get up in the morning!"

2. Morris, the 9-Lives Cat. At the height of his popularity, Morris slutted it up--fathering an estimated eleventy-squillion kittens. Despite the fact his 9-Lives employment contract was legendary, setting the bar for cat compensation in Hollywood, Morris doesn't see a dime of the residuals he earns. Aside from the Kitten Support he provides for his eleventy-squillion kittens, alimony to seven former wives can really impact one's wallet! Today, Morris owns a surf-shop in Hawaii, where he sells and rents surf boards and jet skis.

3. Garfield. After the 2004 release of his self-titled movie, Garfield found himself swept up in the Hollywood life. The demand for his time, talents and likeness is unprecedented. In the animal entertainment industry, he is an icon! Garfield has been romantically linked with Eva Longoria, Halle Berry, and renowned recluse, Jody Foster. Aside from hanging with "his boys," Owen and Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell, "Gar" is currently shopping a screen-play he co-wrote with BFF Ben Stiller. Garfield is living the life he has always dreamed. "I'm in it, baby! I am it! A different cat every night, money rolling into my crib faster than you can imagine, and all the lasagna I can eat! It doesn't get better than this!"

4. Tom (of Tom & Jerry). Overcoming the very interpersonal conflicts that helped the duo soar to extreme stardom beginning in the 1940's, Tom and Jerry have finally reconciled and have become closer than ever! Opening a successful chain of gas stations throughout North Dakota and West Virginia (although the cat and mouse are friends, they find living in the same part of the country puts unnecessary strain on their relationship). Says Jerry, "Aside from him spending countless years chasing me, trying to trap me, and running off with my wife, we are really the best of friends!"

5. Si and Am (From Disney's "Lady & The Tramp"). The seemingly evil twins who vandalized Lady's home in the Disney movie, Si and Am have spent their entire lives trying to change the erroneous perception that they are truly diabolical in their personal lives. Says Am, "We are very sweet cats! It stinks that, because we offered such an amazing performance, people now see us as evil!" To help the public embrace their true innocence, Si and Am (or, as they prefer...Am and Si) have appeared in several family sit-coms, launched their own "tween" clothing line, and have starred in over 75 straight-to-DVD movies, including the famous "You're Invited to Si and Am's [fill in blank with exciting childhood activity...like School Dance, Slumber Party, etc.]" series. In recent years, as they have gotten older, it has become increasingly difficult to portray the air of innocence. With Si's struggle with anorexia and the duo dropping out of NYU shortly after enrolling, it has become clear they will probably never have another notable screen appearance and will, unfortunately, be best known for appearing on tabloid covers, wearing over-sized hobo clothing and sunglasses that swallow their faces.

6. Sylvester (of Sylvester and Tweety). "Pretending I was something I definitely wasn't made my job at Warner Brothers especially difficult." Sylvester spent years waiting for Granny to leave so he could attempt to feast on Tweety, his yellow prey. While it was clear Tweety was never going to be had, there was an underlying current that most of us missed: The sexual tension. In 1993, Sylvester and Tweety secretly moved to Martinique, where they purchased a luxurious, ocean-front "love shack." In 2000, the gay lovers adopted a daughter they affectionately named "Granny," after their long-time friend, the late Granny. Says Tweety, "Life is good. We can finally show our love to the world without the fear of cartoon boycotts. I am free to share my life with the love of my life and Granny, Jr."

7. Socks Clinton. "Being a presidential cat is a challenge," claims Socks Clinton, feline companion to President Bill and Senator Hillary Rodham-Clinton. "It's especially difficult when you do not agree on a single political issue with your humans!" After leaving the White House in late 2000, Socks came out as a raging member of the religious right. After his humans forced him from their home, Socks aligned himself with Fred Phelps--even joining Phelps in disrupting several funerals of American soldiers who were killed in Iraq and infiltrating Gay Pride events, while toting posters declaring, "God Hates Fags." "Fred has taught me more in the last few months than I learned living in the White House for eight long years!" President and Senator Clinton declined to participate in this "Where are They Now" feature.

8. Leo, the MGM Lion. After a successful career, built on his ferocious, yet familiar and comfortable roar, Leo found himself tied up in legal battles for several years. Suing his one-time friend and colleague, Mimsie the Cat, and MTM Enterprises for trademark infringement was a very emotional and intellectual drain for Leo. "I know they thought they were paying tribute to me when they had Mimsie meow where I had roared, but I found it insulting. Plus, when it started to affect my money, well...all bets were off!" Winning over 24 million dollars in the final settlement, Leo signed the rights to his likeness over the MGM and left to start the Animal Planet network. Laughing, Leo explains, "I enjoy being behind the cameras now. Even though lions are known for their attention hungry ways, I have had my fill of the spotlight. I just want to run my multi-billion dollar network, go home to my lovely wife and cubs, and do some yard-work! I'm a simple guy!"

9. The Fancy Feast Cat. You know she is known for her beauty and pristine white coat. You know she is perceived to be a high-class snob who will only eat premium cat food. But did you know she spent several years shooting porn? Oh, yes. The Fancy Feast cat started the "questionable" chapter of her career when she shot an explicit centerfold for Kitty Porn Magazine in the spring of 2002. Based on the positive feedback she received from the layout, coupled with her raging cocaine addiction, Fancy changed her name to "Kitty Fuegobutt" and began filming porn videos. "I only shot porn for about six-months," she explains. When asked in how many movies she appears, she looks away and responds, "249." Pristine white coat, indeed!

10. "Where's the Beef?" Cat. We all said it during the 80's. We all associated it with Clara Peller, the woman who shouted it in the Wendy's commercials. What most people don't know is that "Where's the Beef?" was originated by creative consultant, Abraham Leibowitz, an American Tabby of Jewish descent. As legend has it, while sleeping quietly in the corner during an especially heated marketing meeting, Abe suddenly shouted, "Where's the Beef?" in his sleep. Unfortunately, his human, owner of the ad agency, convinced him to accept 3 cans of moist cat food as compensation for his catch phrase. Shortly after the commercials aired and became part of our pop-culture, Abe left his human. He collaborated with Al Gore for about six-months, during which they invented "The Internets." Abraham is also credited for inventing the cell phone. Abe now lives in Japan, where he is considered a national celebrity due to his innovative mind and ingenious inventions.

11. MC Skat Kat. Starring in the Paula Abdul video for her song, "Opposites Attract," was a highlight of MC Skat Kat's life. "I became very popular with teenage girls, but became frustrated with the lack of respect from my peers." Skat became obsessed with obtaining his due "street cred," and released his first gangster rap album in 1991--which flopped. He now spends most of his time playing Dungeons and Dragons with fellow rappers, MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. MC Skat Kat is also credited with owning the largest, single collection of Star Trek action figures in the United States.

12. The Magical Mr. Mistoffelees. What an amazing run Mistoffelees had with Cats! Declining to reprise his role for the Broadway revival of the bland and boring musical, Mr. Mistoffelees was excited when Rosie O'Donnell and Boy George approached him to star and help fund their Broadway initiative, Taboo. He took the role of a young Boy George and sunk his life savings in the musical that would become one of the most miserable flops in history! Now 52 days sober, Mistoffelees is currently residing at an undisclosed alcohol rehabilitation center in Pam Springs, California. "I would like to write, produce and star in my own medical drama on PAX TV. Let's hope they give this former drunk a chance!"

13. Simba. Simba earned acclaim for his role as a young lion in the 1994 coming-of-age Disney classic, "The Lion King." Growing up in front of the camera posed challenges for which Simba was not prepared. "The press was constantly prying into my love life, which is embarrassing for a teenager!" Simba married and subsequently divorced his on-screen love, Nala, with whom he maintains a strong friendship. After reprising his role in the 1998 sequel "The Lion King 2, Simba's Pride," he married Madge, a manicurist, and the fathered 3 cubs. Simba thoroughly enjoys his suburban life, selling propane and propane-related products, volunteering as a firefighter, and holding the role of PTA President. Cooking every evening with Madge, performing scenes from "The Lion King" during half time shows at his sons' Pee-Wee football games and playing dolls with his daughter help fill his time and his heart. When asked if he would ever consider appearing in the Broadway version of the story that made him famous, Simba laughs, "Um...no. Disney can kiss my ass!"

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Kukka Commerce

Do you find your heart is over-flowing with love for Kukka-Maria, but you have no way of displaying it?

Do you often wish you could be close to The Empress--so close, her essence would rub off on you?

Do you find yourself leaving the house nude because you don't have any stylish shirts?

Does your morning dose of caffeine get cold because it's served in a plain, ol' mug?

Do you find yourself dreaming of being a celebrity and wish you could be as glamorous as The Empress?

In response to the constant pleas for Kukka-Maria to design her own line of high-end casual wear, The Empress is launching a new collection for fall and you are invited to have the first look!

The Kukka Collection features designer duds that are sure to place you on the covers of tabloids around the world!

These are just some of the custom designs offered in The Kukka Collection!

"But, Kukka...can't I just go to my local Wal•Mart to pick up these items?"


The Kukka Collection is only offered in my exclusive online store. In fact, this collection is so exclusive, I am considering password protecting it to keep out the "undesirables." So, if you think you may be an icky outcast--or you have a history of being an icky outcast, you need to act now--before you are locked out for-ev-er!

Don't be the last on your block to sport this classy couture! Supplies are limited, so ACT NOW!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Hello Kukka

Associated Press (AP) - Further fueling the rumors of a feud between the two celebrities, Empress Kukka-Maria and heiress/socialite, Paris Hilton, will be pitted head-to-head in heated competition throughout Asian toy stores. Like the announcement from Miss Hilton's camp earlier this month, Kukka-Maria is now releasing her own "Hello Kitty" doll to be sold exclusively in Japan.

"I just don't understand why she would do this to me!" exclaimed a tearful Hilton in a telephone interview. "We were always the best of friends and then my stylist's hairdresser's chauffer's publicist's publicist called me with the terrible news! She knows her doll will outsell mine! This is just a strategic attempt to push me out of the very spotlight I've worked so hard to continuously be in!"

Friends--and former friends of the pair had plenty to say on the topic. Nicole Richie, daughter of 80's crooner, Lionel Richie, and former gal-pal of Hilton, offered her objective perspective. "Paris is a bitch. Period. Anything Kukka-Maria can do to put that crazy whore in her place is fine by me! Hello Kitty dolls? I would buy Paris Hilton Hello Kitty dolls--just to burn them over and over with lit cigarettes! But, if I did that, I would just be putting money in her pocket with the purchase of the dolls. Ugh! Bitch!"

Lindsay Lohan, who has been on the outs with Hilton for several months and, according to recent reports, trashed Kukka-Maria's guest house on a recent visit to The Empress, is torn. "I don't know who to support. I mean...like, everyone is expecting me to take sides, but since they both hate me equally, I'm not really sure what to do. Perhaps another tequila shot could help clarify things?" Lifting her top to reveal over-inflated "natural" breasts, Lohan exclaimed, "Bartender! I think José Cuervo is calling my name! Señor...another body shot, por favor!"

Nicky Hilton, sister to the amateur porn star Paris, seems to back her sister...we think. "Officially? I'm totally supporting my sister. Off the record? I'm strategically trying to distance myself from Paris and her party-girl ways and am focusing on my own dreams in fashion design. Do I think Paris is getting a raw deal? Sort of. Unofficially, I'm thinking it's in my best interest to stay clear of this--another Paris-Hiton-dramafest. Plus, while I would never tell Paris this, I am a die-hard Kukka-Maria fan! I am hoping she may allow me to design a handbag for her to carry at next year's Academy Awards!"

While Kukka-Maria was unavailable for comment, her mother agent provided this prepared statement:

"The Empress does not concern herself with the entrepreneurial efforts of her peers. The nice people at Hello Kitty approached Kukka-Maria with the idea of making a doll in her likeness, insisting it was a natural fit--as Kukka is a CAT! Miss Hilton's obsession with Kukka and her business decisions is nothing more than a creepy inconvenience. The Empress never has allowed the pressure from others drive her decision-making process, nor has she any immediate plans to change that strategy. Kukka-Maria's motto is: 'All is fair in love, war and Hello Kitty dolls.' Having said this, she wishes nothing but the best for that attention whore, Paris Hilton."

When asked about the predicted effect this melodrama will have on the sales of Hello Kitty dolls--both Paris and Kukka models, a Sanrio Company representative remarked, "Cha-ching!!"

Monday, August 14, 2006

MTV Cribs--Empress Kukka-Maria

Announcer: Welcome to a brand-new edition of MTV Cribs! Tonight, we take a look inside the massive and luxurious home of celebrity feline blogging mogul, Kukka-Maria. Although born with a silver spoon in her mouth, her birth-family’s empire was overthrown and she was found, defeated and penniless, at a dude ranch in West Michigan. Adopted by a wonderfully generous--and patient--woman, Kukka went on to date Brad Pitt and receive numerous awards—including our own MTV Movie and Video Music Awards.

Tired of the stress and demand of the Hollywood life, Kukka returned to the stability of West Michigan and began a very successful blogging endeavor in 2005. Maneuvering through the onslaught of paparazzi permanently camped in front of her crib, we were able to convince Empress Kukka-Maria to give us an exclusive tour of her amazing home.

Kukka: Hey everyone! I’m Kukka-Maria…which, of course, you already know. Welcome to my crib!

I really want to apologize to my fans out there. I tried making sure everything would be displayed properly for your visit, but, because the Dread Pirate Blogger is jealous of my extreme success, he prevented me from posting photos. Instead, you can click on the links as we breeze along the walk-through of my crib and you can see pictures that I've uploaded to Flickr.

The first thing you’ll notice as we enter my gorgeous home is the gold-encrusted dome ceiling in foyer. Here’s a bit of trivia for you uncouth riff raff out there. Foyer is spelled F…O…Y…E…R, but is pronounced "fwa-yay." I hereby give you permission to share that tidbit with your family and friends—since I know you will do it anyway. Ok—back to the foyer. You’d be an absolute idiot not to notice the intricate tile work adorning the walls. I did it myself. And by that, I mean I hired some hot, sweaty men to do it for me.

As we head to the right, off of the foyer, we enter the entertainment room. Amidst the 72 jeweled scratching posts, 471 caged mice and hanging toys to swat, you’ll see our toy basket. Had you come here yesterday, you could have met Mouse #472. I am sorry to say he passed away last night from injuries sustained in [Kukka’s agent whispers into her ear]…um…he died from natural causes. Back to the toy basket. Some of you may wonder why Brach and I have to share a toy basket. We don’t. I own all of the toys and I let him play with them occasionally. The toys he owns are kept under the couch due to his own irresponsibility.

On the other side of the entertainment room, you'll notice our ginormous flat-screen television. I'd have to double-check my figures, but I would guess it's about eleventy-four inches by fourteen feet. It's huge. Most of the time, you'll find me watching "Birds Sure Eat a Helluva Lot" and "Chipmunk Torment Theater" on the Our Yard Network (OYN).

Leaving the entertainment room, we enter the eat-in kitchen. Our stainless-steel sub-zero is in the shop, so we for now we have a run-of-the-mill fridge. I’m sure you’ll notice the chilled bottle of Cristal champagne that is a standard issue for the who’s who of Hollywood. If you didn't notice it, don't worry...I'm always sure to bring it to guests' attention. One of my favorite parts about the kitchen is that my treats are kept there. Some people are of the belief I am unable to open the fridge on my own and retrieve treats whenever I wish. Wrong. I can totally open it when I want to! I just don't want to ruin my manicure, so I demand my agent do it for me.

Let's head down to the master bedroom. Here is where the magic happens! If you peel back the cat face blanket, you'll see the bed is actually navy blue. Because it was a "hair magnet," my agent covered the bed with this lovely blanket. I have to admit, the cat faces sort of scare me. Sometimes, I'll forget I'm in bed and think one of these faces is actually my reflection! Holy crap! I'm shaking now just thinking about it! I can not imagine what it would be like to look this ugly! I'd have to ask my agent what that's like!! [Kukka’s agent whispers into her ear] Fine. Yes, I do want treats more than I want to insult you in front of the 16 to 24-year-old American youth demographic.

Moving on...here is the master bath. Unfortunately, I have to share it with my brother, Brach. He is pretty particular about cleanliness, though, so I don't mind too much. While most celebrities choose to install elaborate steam showers and jacuzzi tubs, I went with a more "simple" approach. We installed this enormous scratchy tongue shower on the wall here to bathe us and we went with a covered litterbox--no bidet. The scoop stored on top of the litterbox is used, albeit seemingly infrequently, by my agent to scoop our turds. I think that is the wonderful way the universe balances itself. What? No treats? Yeah...scoop this, lady!

As we head around this corner, you'll see the guest house. Up until 4th of July weekend, I was open to having any celebrity guest stay in the guest house. Then Lindsay Lohan trashed it. After she left, it took my agent three days to clean up the cigarette butts, hair extensions, ex-boyfriends, beer bottles, and condoms strewn about! Three days! That meant my agent was unable to devote those days to me and my every need!

Congratulations, Lindsay Lohan! You are now on my Litter List! I'm beginning to believe the drunken Brandon Davis/Paris Hilton slurs that your lady bits may be ablaze. [Looking at the shrugging camera man, Kukka shakes her head] I know...I have no idea who Brandon Davis is, either!

[Kukka’s agent whispers into her ear] Are we really out of time? Ok. Well, MTV. I'm glad you came by to see my crib, but you really need to go home now! Get out before I sic Lindsay Lohan's fire-crotch on you!

[Turning to her agent as she closes the door] Would I need to wear some skank-resistant gloves in order to safely deal with anything related to Lindsay Lohan?

ANNOUNCER: Well, that concludes another exciting episode of MTV Cribs. Join us next week, when we'll get a peek into the new home of the Jolie-Pitts. Not only will we explore their new nursery, we'll get a glimpse of their recently-constructed Kukka-Maria Shrine and Feline Empress Rock Garden! See you next week!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Care to Suggest a Caption...Again?

Inspired by your comments in last week's "Care to Suggest a Caption" post, I thought we'd try another one!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #1

Thirteen Things that Prove I am a Beautiful Feline
(and not at all conceited)

1. I have an extremely luxurious coat. My grooming secret: Shampoo once a week with a lovely lemon-sage shampoo and conditioner. For daily cleansing, I use my tongue. Occasionally, I'll use a flat-iron to smooth out my coat, and a bit of pomade-- followed by a little schpritz of light-hold hairspray!

2. I am very photogenic. Despite their best efforts, the paparazzi have never…never taken a photo of me in which I have looked less than the super-sexy feline I am. NEVER!

3. I sport perfectly pink paw pads. While some cats spend hours dying their paw pads a perfectly pink hue, I can get up in the morning, give them a quick lick and I’m on my way!

4. My ears are not at all big…any more. While in the beginning, my agent feared I may spend my entire life more closely resembling a rabbit than a cat, I did grow into my now-proportionate ears, which gave hope to felines sporting ginormous ears everywhere!

5. I have a perky pink nose. It’s functional and fashionable!

6. I look great in designer duds. When I walk the red carpet, everyone takes notice of me. Not only are my celebrity human admirers jealous that many of the top designers clamor to custom-design gowns for me (Thank you Stella, Roberto, and Karl!), they wish they had two sets of feet on which to wear their Manolo Blahniks.

7. I have a virtually maintenance-free body! Aside from the perpetual brushings I tolerate during the shedding-days of summer and the bi-monthly mani/pedis to keep my claws trimmed, I am naturally beautiful. No tanning beds. No make-up. No diet/exercise regimes. Nothing. I’m just H…O…T…HOT!

8. I have captivating green eyes. Look into my eyes...look deep into my eyes…not around my eyes…into the eyes. When you hear the bell, you will feel compelled to give me treats. And I will graciously accept them.

9. Two words: Vertical Pupils!

10. I dated Brad Pitt. Yes, he is with Angelina now, but late at night, who does he drunk-dial? You got it…his first and best love. He just can’t get enough of “The Kukka.”

11. I carry a jewel-encrusted membership card from the “Super-Sexy Royal Feline Club” (of which I am founder and sole member). Before you ask, I’m sorry…no. We are not taking applications for new members at this time.

12. I have a Tomcat Stable filled with six super-sexy boyfriends who have professed their undying love for me and have even written songs in my honor! To show my appreciation, I am in a monogamous relationship with each and every one of them! Hey...six intelligent, hot toms can't be wrong!

13. I am amazingly humble. Quit laughing!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

"Dear Kukka...", Volume XII

Oh, yes. I'm back with the twelvththpbbbt...12th edition of "Dear Kukka." I am sure you probably thought this edition would come sooner, as I receive eleventy squillion letters each day. I know. I do. I appreciate your hunger to read my mail! I am just now answering some pressing fan questions because my agent refused to open the mailbags for me. RE-FUSED!

And they hesitate to call me "oppressed."

No matter. I've got them open now and I've chosen some of the better questions to answer. Don't you dare take that attitude with me, fan-whose-letter-is-not-answered-here! I resent your tone! If you sent me a question and I don't answer it here, you can expect to receive a form-letter response, written by one of my assistants and rubber-stamped with my signature sometime within the next decade.*

Without further ado, let's get this party started!

Q: Kukka, if you were stranded on a deserted island and could only have three luxury items, what would you want?
A: First off, if I were stranded on a deserted island, I would be thrilled, for it would mean I somehow figured out how to remove the window screen and make a run for it! Plus, it implies I would have spent some time on a luxury yacht--albeit a yacht that was destined for doom. Here are my "essential" items: 1 copy of Cosmo, my tiara, and my Tomcat Stable (I know there are 6 cat-boy-toys there, but because I cleverly lump them together, I can count them as one item). And, because I have such a bodacious figure, I might try to smuggle a flask of booze and a disco ball under the folds of my flesh. I'm just saying...if you've got the bootay, you may as well try to put it to good use!

Q: Kukka, you did such an amazing job on CBS's Big Brother game last year! It's even been rumored you have been romantically involved with Kaysar Ridha! Why were you not asked to join this year’s All-Star cast?
A: Thank you for your compliment! I was a stellar player last year! In fact, the rest of the houseguests barely realized I was there! As for the alleged romance with Kaysar? Yes, he is super-sexy. Yes, he pursued me. Yes, we dated briefly. And yes, I am still incredibly attracted to him. Unfortunately, when we spoke of marriage, we found an insurmountable conflict. He was not willing to let me win this year’s Big Brother All Stars competition! I called him selfish. He called me a super-sexy Big Brother loser. We got into a huge slap fight at the casting call for the All Stars. It ended with both of us in tears and me bowing out of the show. Even though our relationship is strained, I still love Kaysar and believe, due to our super-sexiness, we would make beautiful kittens (even though I have been spayed...but isn't that just a technicality?). Call me, Kaysar! Especially since you are getting “back-doored” (no, it’s not a filthy act, you non-BB7-watching-perverts) and, unfortunately, will be evicted this week.

Q: Kukka, it’s widely known that you are an avid member of PETA, yet I’ve heard you have a fondness of “hunting” chipmunks through the sliding glass door screen. Although chipmunks have an enormous amount of protein, are you prepared for the psychological trauma that comes with the slaughter of those innocent, striped creatures?
A: I am a member of PETA! In fact, I was the original model for the "Turn Over a New Leaf" campaign. If Pamela Anderson hadn't put up such a huge stink, it would have been me who would have been plastered all over the country with lettuce on my nipples!
Having said that, I have thought about what would happen if the screen magically opened up and the chipmunk stood still enough to undergo my wrath. I guess I would be faced with two options. First, I could deny my every natural instinct and invite him in for a spot of tea. OR, I could tear him limb from limb and present the carnage to my agent as a tribute. I guess when I choose the latter, I’ll just splash red paint on myself to cancel it all out.
Q: Where did you get your long, white gloves? They look so pristine and glamorous, Kukka!
I can’t remember! They were either a gift from Tommy Lee’s baby mama (the leaf campaign stealer), or I got them when I was born, from Mother Nature (the consummate baby mama). Whoever gave them to me, I had better make sure my agent sent a thank-you card!

Q: There have been reports that Brach is actually larger than you. Is this true?
To answer this accurately, first we must define the term "larger." Physically? Yes, he is a tad "larger." Intellectually? I am totally "larger." Yes, he is blessed with a highly-functioning brain, but I am the one who has the street smarts. And, really, when it comes down to a matter of survival if when we escape the house, are "book smarts" the thing that is going to help us eat, keep us dry and protect us from a gang of diseased feral cats? I rest my "large" case!

Q: Do you intend to write any more books, Kukka-Maria? I know we were very touched by your first two best-selling self-help books, as well as your romantic work of fiction! We are anxiously awaiting your next masterpiece!
A: I am working on several initiatives as I type this (I have four paws...one set is responding to your question, while other set is typing away at my next book). Continuing my series on self-exploration (and exploration of others), I intend to publish several more books in the next year. While I am contractually obligated to keep the specifics under wraps, I can give you three of the proposed book titles:
  • "What the Hell Happened Last Night? Why Cats Should Switch to Beer After Their First Five Shots of Tequila."
  • "I Don't Think These Are Fleas...Feline STD's in the 21st Century."
  • "Systematic Mapping of Genetic Interactions in Caenorhabditis Elegans That Identify Common Modifiers of Diverse Signaling Pathways--and Other Shit Cats Don't Typically Know."

I thank you for your enthusiasm and look forward to seeing how that enthusiasm will translate into cash in my bank account!

As always, dear fans, continue sending the questions and pray that I am gracious enough to answer them in the next installment of "Dear Kukka."

* Response may not be in the form-letter format, but may just be a blank piece of paper. Said letter may not be actually written, nor stamped and mailed by an assistant, but rather a random feral cat looking for side-jobs. The term "next decade" does not necessarily indicate the period of time from August 9, 2006-August 9, 2016. The "next decade" start point will occur at the discretion of The Empress and her subsidiaries. For example, the moment you ask the whereabouts of your letter, The Empress may say, "The decade begins...NOW!" Yes, she is that cruel!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Goofus and Gallant

We went to the vet recently and, as is common in most doctors' offices, I found the latest issue of Highlights Magazine for Cats.

(Editor's note: Kukka-Maria didn't realize a) the magazine is actually called Highlights for CHILDREN and is not targeting the feline population, and b) the issue she read was from 1978.)

After finishing the "Find the Hidden Objects in this Picture," something caught my eye. It was a cartoon called "Goofus and Gallant." Apparently, it is supposed to teach cats an "important lesson" about inappropriate and appropriate behavior.


My agent was with me and, looking over my shoulder, cackled loudly and offered some insight: "There should be a Kukka-Maria and Brach cartoon!"

When we arrived home, she immediatly went to work creating her own "important lesson" comic.

I think it sucks. You be the judge.

She thinks she is soooooo funny. I'm considering hiring a new agent. One who represents me more accurately.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Cracking the Case?

As you may or may not have read on Friday, Isis (Zeus' sister) penned a letter to me, requesting my assistance in uncovering the animal/person responsible for some horrific destruction at their house.

Inspired by one of my favorite television shows, I traveled to Texas to begin my own Crime Scene Investigation.

When I arrived, Isis' human pet greeted me at the door. Since I had been delivered in a travel crate on their front stoop, I was quite embarrassed and concerned my credibility as a forensic scientist had been compromised.

"Why Brach," she squealed, "I didn't expect you this weekend, but I'm so glad you came to Houston for your vacation!"

"I am not here for pleasure, Human Pet. Can I call you Human or would you prefer Ms. Pet?"

"Human Pet is fine, Brach."

"Thank you, Ms. Pet," I continued, "I am here to investigate the horrific destruction that has plagued your home."

"Oh...alright...I guess..." she stammered.

Isis, timidly hiding behind Human Pet's legs, looked quite relieved to see me and, after bathing myself thoroughly per her germicidal request, took me to the first crime scene.

"I am so glad you're here, Brach! I've been so scared lately! Whatever mad-man is destroying our home is bound to come after me at some point! Please help me!" Realizing her voice had risen over a whisper and fearing she would attract attention from the vandal, she crouched with her paws over her eyes.

After reassuring her that I would take care of everything, I launched my investigation by exploring Crime Scene #1--THE GARAGE. The first thing I noticed was an extraordinary amount of hair amidst the extremely nerdy collection of Lord of the Rings action figures. I pulled two pair of rubber gloves over all four of my paws, removed my tweezers from my Evidence Collection Kit and gingerly collected hair samples.

"Excuse me, Brach," Human Pet interjected, "I hate to interrupt, but I'm pretty sure this investigation is pointless. I already know who did this and..."

Although frustrated with her apparent need to meddle, I responded in my most firm and authoritative voice. "Ma'am, are you a scientist?"

"Um...no. But..."

"Then please leave allow me to do my work without your interference."

Using my magnifying glass, I examined the hair samples. By the thickness and density of the strands, I was able to discern it was fur and not human hair; however, the white, orange and gray hairs told me nothing. In fact, they didn't even rule me out as a suspect!

Positive I would find saliva residue on the edge of the box from a bit of face rubbing, I took a cotton swab and ran it back and forth on the cardboard. Carefully placing the swab into the plastic receptacle, I turned to Isis and said, "Please lead me to the Crime Scene #2--THE GUEST BEDROOM."

As we walked down the hallway, I encountered Zeus for the first time.

"Are you investigating our home?"


"Can I help?"

"Are you a scientist?"


"Then you can be my apprentice. You can document the evidence I collect, but if you touch anything, I'm going to have to swat you with my super-sharp claws."

The hair bristling on his back, he said, "Are you talking to me? You can't talk to me like that in my own home!"

"Ok...," I sighed. "I guess someone won't be taking notes for me, then!"

"Fine...let's go."

Isis led us into the guest bedroom and I shuddered when I saw the carnage.

"Oh. My. Gawd!" I gasped. "I have never..." My voice trailed off as I drank in the gruesome sight. Suddenly remembering I was an extraordinary forensic scientist, I gathered myself and turned to Zeus. "Are you ready to get dirty? Let's get to it."

Even though Zeus was only going to be documenting our progress--from a distance, Isis insisted he wear rubber gloves. In fact, due to her paranoia, she even wore gloves. And wore a gas mask from her own collection of personal protective equipment.

Examining the claw marks on the mattress I determined I would need to collect scratch samples from anyone who had been in the house during the last 30 days. Even though the hair collected at Crime Scene #1 had ruled out Human Pet as a suspect, it was quite possible she (or one of her ragamuffin guests) had been responsible for Crime Scene #2.

"Human Pet," I called out. "Can you please scratch this piece of fabric?"

"Brach. Really. I don't think this is necess..."

"Ma'am. I've been hired to do a job. I flew 1228.28 miles to help my friend Isis. What I need from you now is cooperation--not attitude."

She scratched the fabric.

"Again, please. Really shred it up."

After she ran her fingernails over the fabric a few more times, I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Ms. Pet. Please make a list of every guest--human or animal--that has been in your domicile during the last 30 days. I will need scratching sample from all of them."

"That's where I draw the line, Brach. Keep in mind, you may be in charge of this investigation, but I am in charge of cat treats. If you insist upon ordering me around, expect to go without snacks while you are here."

"Touché, Human Pet...touché! You are free to go."

I held the Human Pet swatch next to the mattress. "Clearly, this is no match. While she has a lovely manicure, I am confident her nails did not...could not cause this damage."

Turning to Zeus, I held out a fresh piece of fabric. "Your turn."

"What?! But I'm your apprentice, not a suspect!"


Angry with me, Zeus scratched the fabric enthusiastically. In fact, I had to wrestle the swatch away from him.

Holding the Zeus swatch to the mattress, I compared the specimen to the evidence with my magnifying glass. "I'm afraid this is not a match, either."

"Told you so!" exclaimed Zeus, with conviction.

"I don't think documenting requires speaking, Zeus."

As I turned back to the mattress, something caught my eye. It was something embedded in the mattress. Grabbing my magnifying glass, I leaned closer. "Eureka! It's a dead sheath of a claw that sloughed off into the mattress!" I glanced at Isis and smiled at her wide-eyed face. "We are close to cracking this case, Isis!" I grabbed tweezers, plucked the evidence from the mattress and placed it in a plastic receptacle.

Confident I had the evidence I needed to reveal the culprit, something caught my eye. I noticed a paw print in the carpet. Deep and distinct, I could not ignore it.

Without removing my eyes from the indentation, I called to Zeus. "Please get the Plaster of Paris from my evidence kit. I need to take an impression of this paw print.

After mixing the plaster, pouring it into the carpet, and waiting the recommended 20 minute curing time (during which we all napped), I removed the cast and placed it into my kit. Noticing plaster residue in the carpet, I carefully covered it with Human Pet's scratching sample so I would not get in trouble. She could lead the plaster cast investigation once I was safely back in Michigan.

Removing the gloves from my four paws I said, "Let's blow this popsicle stand! How about we look out the window and chirp at the birds! I'll look at this evidence later."

I am sure if I had noticed the pink coloration of the paw print impression at that moment, I may not have been so eager to play with "certain members" of the feline gang...

More Awards...for Little Ol' Me?

I can not belieeeeeeeve how fortunate I've been this last week! I don't think I've received this much acclaim since I won that Daytime Emmy for my soap opera appearance that ended up on the cutting-room floor!

Yes, apparently when you're a feline empress, you can win a Daytime Emmy for footage that never aired.

Here are some shout-outs I've received since my Wendy Wings Casting:
  • Kailani featured me on her Carnival of Family Life
  • Blog Of The Day Awards Winner
  • I was named Blog of the Day (which made me almost pee my pants). (Yes, I sometimes wear pants--when I feel especially modest. But only custom-made designer pants, of course.)
  • KT Cat, over at The Scratching Post honored me...again...among his favorite blog posts of the week. KT has always been so supportive of me, even bestowing a regal Feline Theocracy moniker on me: Mother Superior of the Holy Order of Ocean Whitefish. Unfortunately, I've never tried to actually unleash my maternal superiority over the Ocean Whitefish, so allow me to do so now: "GET IN MY BELLY OCEAN WHITEFISH...GET IN MY BELLY!"

I was also asked to join a top blog listing, but it was riddled with porn sites, so I'm declining. Been there. Done that.

Great. Now that I've used the "P-Word," I'm going to get quite an interesting gaggle of readers via search engines!

Friday, August 04, 2006

My Star in The Wendy Wings Walk of Fame

After an exhaustive auditioning process, I am pleased to say that Wendy Wings has chosen me (among other distinguished bloggers) to join her cast! There were a lot of folks who came out for the cattle call (some of whom are listed in my new Human Blogs of Note section in my sidebar). Along with the very talented empress [cough...me], several other great talents were selected:

When I say this audition process was exhaustive, I'm not sure I'm really conveying how incredibly tough it was! I mean...it was intense, back-breaking, rigorous and excruciating! The competition was brutal! You should check out some of the competition in the 658 comments Miss Wendy received on her casting call post!

I had to pull out all of my skills in order to gain Miss Wendy's attention--especially since I was vertically inferior to many of the humans with whom I was competing (save 'Lil Duck Duck and my feline peers).

Here are some highlights from my audition pieces:

  • I offered a passionate tap-dance number, complete with wild front paw movements (while you did me wrong, Paula Abdul, I did learn a few things from your "Straight Up" video)
  • I donned ice skates and performed selected scenes from the critically acclaimed (or critically panned) 1978 movie, Ice Castles--all the while singing the theme song, "Pleeeeeease don't let this feeling eeeeeeend!" Oh, yes...I included the scene where she crashed and went blind (no stunt double, thankyouverymuch) and the scene at the end, when she trips over the roses and everyone realizes she can not see. After that performance, I expect an Oscar nom. Or at least a guaranteed spot on the next Winter Olympic women's figure skating team! "I heart you, Robby Benson...for ever and ever!"
  • Zeus and I teamed up to perform a scene from Return of the Jedi, in which Zeus portrays Han Solo to Kukka's Princess Leia. Having just be unfrozen, Han is comforted by Leia.
    • Leia: Oh Han, I so love you! I missed you so much! Why are your paws so cold?
    • Han: Maybe you need to warm these paws up for me, baby.
    • Leia: [dreamily] Oh Han...
    • Han: And don't forget my tail either. It needs some extra love...
    There wasn't a dry eye in the house!
  • I juggled a lit torch, machete and toy mouse--while singing Queen's "We are the Champions." Oh, and I blinked "I AM A GORGEOUS, EXQUISITE AND PHENOMENAL FELINE!" in Morse Code and whipped my tail in a perfect circle throughout. Juggle. Juggle. Tail Whip. Tail Whip. Blink. Blink-Blink. Even I couldn't resist myself after this number!
  • I performed my signature "Feline Flatulence Dance," in which I stick my front paws in my armpits, made "questionable" noises, while singing "Oh Suzanna!" I would have actually put a banjo on my knee, but it was so large, it knocked me over!
  • Zeus and I teamed up again to perform the famed karaoke duet, "Don't Go Breakin' my Heart." It went very well (he has a lovely singing voice); until I sang the line, "You took the weight off of me..." and was offended that he thought I was too fat. I stormed off the stage and left him yelling apologies to me. It was clear, at this point, the stress of the audition process was taking its toll on each of us.
  • Strapping on a banjo and using one of those head-gear-type harmonica holders, I launched into a rousing rendition of "You are my Sunshine." I would have added choreography, but balancing the banjo and harmonica was challenge enough!
  • I painted my face white and performed a somewhat interesting mime. Walking in the Wind, Trapped in a Box and Climbing a Rope were my featured moves. Admittedly, it wasn't my best work.
  • I did my best Kailani impression (she's a flight attendant), where I went through the pre-flight safety instructions. Maybe it's my lack of training or maybe my lack of compassion, but let's just say any passenger who heard my speech would be dead meat in case of an emergency!
  • To show my soft and vulnerable side, I shared how, when I was young empress, I shaved my stomach, donned tassels on my multiple nipples and danced for money. I only did it to support my catnip addiction! That Jamaican Black, Super Gold Thai and Purple Skunk nip had a hold on me! That confession was difficult and tearful (but I think it showed my range--that I can do both comedy and drama).
  • I sported roller skates, grasped a lit sparkler in my tail, twirled a baton and jumped on a trampoline, while singing a traditional Hawaiian ballad. Jumping on a trampoline in roller skates? The competition should have been over right then and there!
  • And, for the grand finale, Zeus and I performed the well-loved scene at the end of "Dirty Dancing." Although, our version didn't go so smoothly. The song started out well, but when we got to "the lift," my tail got in Zeus' face, which caused a sneezing fit. Unable to control his sneezing, Zeus dropped me on my bodacious bootay which sent me storming off stage, cursing him.

As you can see, being cast was a great reward after a great effort! I think I'm going to sleep the entire weekend away in order to recuperate!

Plus, Brach mentioned something about going to Texas to help Isis investigate some peculiar goings-on around her house. Brach has been itching to dabble in a bit of CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) work, so I hope it goes well.

I know his absence will go well for me, as I will be able to nap--anywhere I choose--without interruption! Plus, if my agent is feeling very generous, I might get some extra treats out of it, as well!

[Drifting off to sleep] IIIIIII've haaaaaad the time of my liiiiiiiife, and I owe it all to yooooooou!