ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: This is Anderson Cooper and I'm here in the living room of celebrity feline blogger, Empress Kukka-Maria, who has taken to her bed after falling ill from what movie stars to world leaders are calling a ballsy move: A hunger strike. Tonight, we delve into this disturbing mystery and uncover the root cause, the motives and the long-term affects of an oppressed and starving feline. A special edition of 360 starts now.
ANNOUNCER: A fragile feline. A bitter battle. Tonight, a weak and emotional empress takes to her bed with exhaustion after waging a hunger strike when her agent refused to give her treats. Anderson offers a chilling exploration into the heart and mind of an abused, famous cat.
COOPER: Kukka, what is going on here? What has brought on this aggressive strategy and what do you hope to accomplish?
COOPER: Come on, Empress. Talk to me! I'm Anderson Cooper, son of famed designer Gloria Vanderbilt! I'm wearing Prada for crying out loud! We are kindred spirits...don't you dare hold out on me!
ANNOUNCER: The frail feline has trouble answering the questions and flops to her side in exhaustion. She appears to be drifting in and out of what can only be considered a hebetudinous state. And, yes...our writers have found the need to use a thesaurus to accurately describe this heinous scene. Why the hunger strike? Perhaps speaking with some family members may shed some light on the subject. Can her brother, Brach, take a moment from licking her fevered brow to help us understand? Anderson Cooper, investigative jounalist extraordinaire, pulls him aside to talk.
COOPER: Brach, what is going on here? One minute she is fine, the next she is feeble and failing.
BRACH: Anderson, to be honest, she is totally faking! This is no hunger strike...it's a ridiculous ploy to manipulate my mother. I'm just biding my time until I have the solid proof I need to call her out.
COOPER: Brach. Come on. You see her over there, barely breathing! Why not just give her what she so desperately needs?
BRACH: Anderson, you come on! Try living with this spoiled diva for 2 seconds and I'll bet you won't question my methods!
ANNOUNCER: Is Brach just a bitter brother? Why doesn't he just beg for treats on her behalf? He is not one to typically beg, so it is virtually guaranteed treats will be thrown his way. How did things get this far? Anderson Cooper has the gift to bring it out--especially with his super-sexiness and the fact that Kukka-Maria's agent has been quoted as being "warm for his form."
COOPER: You're Kukka's agent. Give me the scoop. We have a weak and brittle feline empress over there--in a bed, on the floor. What led up to this? Did she give you any indication she would wage a hunger strike?
AGENT: I always dreamed I'd meet you, but never under circumstances like this, Anderson. I know it's rumored you are gay, but I am having a difficult time not losing myself in your baby blues...can we just make out?
COOPER: Seriously. I need to get to the bottom of this story. The entire nation needs me to get to the bottom of this story! Why the hunger strike? Why now? What is being done to resolve this?
AGENT: This whole hunger strike is a load of horse [expletive]. The fact is, for most of her life, I have spoiled Kukka-Maria with treats. Before I leave for work...treats. When I come home...treats. When I go to bed...treats. The reality is that today, I decided to take control of the situation. I am tired of her constant whining for snacks. Who is in charge here?
COOPER: So you deny her treats. Don't you think this tragic conflict could be easily resolved if you just give her the treats she wants? Is it that difficult? Is keeping treats from her worth watching her waste away to practically nothing?
AGENT: Your ignorance is eroding your stunningly good looks, you silver fox! This "hunger strike" as you so dramatically call it is not so much a strategy, as it is an accident. Here are the facts. This morning, as soon as I awoke, Kukka began begging for treats. For an hour and a half, she meowed. Realizing that I had been spoiling her, I decided not to indulge her request.
COOPER: But, if this is not an act of defiance--an "accident," as you so audaciously put it, why is she risking her health by refusing to eat?
AGENT: Anderson, she is completely unaware that the brimming bowl of kibble over there can also be consumed for nutrition. She receives so many treats during the day; she has no need for the food and, as a result, has forgotten it is even there! This is not an act of defiance--it's a spoiled cat demonstrating pure stupidity. There is food aplenty--she is just so focused on treats, she doesn't remember how or where to eat her regular food.
COOPER: Shouldn't you take her to the food bowl and show her how to eat healthy cuisine? With all due respect, how long do you intend to let her suffer?
AGENT: Well, not counting the hour and a half she begged? Hmmm...let me calculate...and carry the 2...let's see...she's gone about 15 minutes so far. So, I'll let her go maybe another hour?
COOPER: Let's totally make out now.
ANNOUNCER: An empress fading or just a spoiled cat? An act of defiance or an act of stupidity? Wait! Did she just say this cat has not eaten for 15 minutes? What the hell are we even doing here?
COOPER: Thanks very much for watching this special edition of 360, "Feline Food Stand-Off." Tonight, there are thousands of morbidly obese cats who are being denied treats. This injustice is happening in every neighborhood in ever city in this country--24 hours a day. And we will continue to cover this 24 hours a day until we eliminate these minor inconveniences. Thanks very much for watching this special edition. I'm Anderson Cooper.