Tuesday, August 01, 2006

360: Feline Food Stand-Off

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: This is Anderson Cooper and I'm here in the living room of celebrity feline blogger, Empress Kukka-Maria, who has taken to her bed after falling ill from what movie stars to world leaders are calling a ballsy move: A hunger strike. Tonight, we delve into this disturbing mystery and uncover the root cause, the motives and the long-term affects of an oppressed and starving feline. A special edition of 360 starts now.

ANNOUNCER: A fragile feline. A bitter battle. Tonight, a weak and emotional empress takes to her bed with exhaustion after waging a hunger strike when her agent refused to give her treats. Anderson offers a chilling exploration into the heart and mind of an abused, famous cat.

COOPER: Kukka, what is going on here? What has brought on this aggressive strategy and what do you hope to accomplish?

KUKKA: I...asked...for...an...entire...hour...and...a...half...but...

COOPER: Come on, Empress. Talk to me! I'm Anderson Cooper, son of famed designer Gloria Vanderbilt! I'm wearing Prada for crying out loud! We are kindred spirits...don't you dare hold out on me!

KUKKA: I...just...can't...answer...no...strength...have...I..."

ANNOUNCER: The frail feline has trouble answering the questions and flops to her side in exhaustion. She appears to be drifting in and out of what can only be considered a hebetudinous state. And, yes...our writers have found the need to use a thesaurus to accurately describe this heinous scene. Why the hunger strike? Perhaps speaking with some family members may shed some light on the subject. Can her brother, Brach, take a moment from licking her fevered brow to help us understand? Anderson Cooper, investigative jounalist extraordinaire, pulls him aside to talk.

COOPER: Brach, what is going on here? One minute she is fine, the next she is feeble and failing.

BRACH: Anderson, to be honest, she is totally faking! This is no hunger strike...it's a ridiculous ploy to manipulate my mother. I'm just biding my time until I have the solid proof I need to call her out.

COOPER: Brach. Come on. You see her over there, barely breathing! Why not just give her what she so desperately needs?

BRACH: Anderson, you come on! Try living with this spoiled diva for 2 seconds and I'll bet you won't question my methods!

ANNOUNCER: Is Brach just a bitter brother? Why doesn't he just beg for treats on her behalf? He is not one to typically beg, so it is virtually guaranteed treats will be thrown his way. How did things get this far? Anderson Cooper has the gift to bring it out--especially with his super-sexiness and the fact that Kukka-Maria's agent has been quoted as being "warm for his form."

COOPER: You're Kukka's agent. Give me the scoop. We have a weak and brittle feline empress over there--in a bed, on the floor. What led up to this? Did she give you any indication she would wage a hunger strike?

AGENT: I always dreamed I'd meet you, but never under circumstances like this, Anderson. I know it's rumored you are gay, but I am having a difficult time not losing myself in your baby blues...can we just make out?

COOPER: Seriously. I need to get to the bottom of this story. The entire nation needs me to get to the bottom of this story! Why the hunger strike? Why now? What is being done to resolve this?

AGENT: This whole hunger strike is a load of horse [expletive]. The fact is, for most of her life, I have spoiled Kukka-Maria with treats. Before I leave for work...treats. When I come home...treats. When I go to bed...treats. The reality is that today, I decided to take control of the situation. I am tired of her constant whining for snacks. Who is in charge here?

COOPER: So you deny her treats. Don't you think this tragic conflict could be easily resolved if you just give her the treats she wants? Is it that difficult? Is keeping treats from her worth watching her waste away to practically nothing?

AGENT: Your ignorance is eroding your stunningly good looks, you silver fox! This "hunger strike" as you so dramatically call it is not so much a strategy, as it is an accident. Here are the facts. This morning, as soon as I awoke, Kukka began begging for treats. For an hour and a half, she meowed. Realizing that I had been spoiling her, I decided not to indulge her request.

COOPER: But, if this is not an act of defiance--an "accident," as you so audaciously put it, why is she risking her health by refusing to eat?

AGENT: Anderson, she is completely unaware that the brimming bowl of kibble over there can also be consumed for nutrition. She receives so many treats during the day; she has no need for the food and, as a result, has forgotten it is even there! This is not an act of defiance--it's a spoiled cat demonstrating pure stupidity. There is food aplenty--she is just so focused on treats, she doesn't remember how or where to eat her regular food.

COOPER: Shouldn't you take her to the food bowl and show her how to eat healthy cuisine? With all due respect, how long do you intend to let her suffer?

AGENT: Well, not counting the hour and a half she begged? Hmmm...let me calculate...and carry the 2...let's see...she's gone about 15 minutes so far. So, I'll let her go maybe another hour?

COOPER: Let's totally make out now.

ANNOUNCER: An empress fading or just a spoiled cat? An act of defiance or an act of stupidity? Wait! Did she just say this cat has not eaten for 15 minutes? What the hell are we even doing here?

COOPER: Thanks very much for watching this special edition of 360, "Feline Food Stand-Off." Tonight, there are thousands of morbidly obese cats who are being denied treats. This injustice is happening in every neighborhood in ever city in this country--24 hours a day. And we will continue to cover this 24 hours a day until we eliminate these minor inconveniences. Thanks very much for watching this special edition. I'm Anderson Cooper.

39 comments:

Knightly, Lizzie, & Firenze said...

Our Mum wants to know if she can make out with Anderson when your Mom is done?

Firenze

Kukka-Maria said...

Absolutely! There is enough of Anderson to go around...

kitkatknit said...

I just want to know if there is anything left in the Vanderbilt trust fund. Your Momma's can make out with Anderson, my Momma is more practical. Just think of how many treats and toys you could buy with that wealth!!

Rosemary

The Meezers said...

Kukka sweetie, I will send you bags and bags of temptations - i has been hoarding them so that Sammy and Trixie don't get any. - Miles.

PrincessMia said...

I had beanmom DVR it for me, so I can watch it over and over again.

Kukka-Maria said...

I may have to come over to watch it, Mia. My mom refused to record it on our DVR because she said it was a grotesque display of self-promotion on my part.

And the buttons were too small for me to work the remote (and yet I somehow type...).

Cheysuli said...

FIFTEEN MINUTES WITHOUT TREATS!!!!! SHE MADE YOU GO 15 MINUTES WITHOUT TREATS?!!!

My gosh, Kukka, how can you stand it? I'd have faded away by now (of course my body is much thinner and has far fewer reserves and of course, I only eat soft food treats, like whatever the human is having...)

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Kukka!!! I'll transport an ice cream bowl over to you right away. What flavor do you want? Oh wait...we only have low fat chocolate. Is that OK?

Love,
Tipper

Zeus said...

I'm so happy your agent got to make out with Anderson Cooper! She deserves a good tongue-in-cheek episode!

As for this hunger strike, there's nothing sexy about seeing a ribcage outlined in fur. Please don't lose your godonka-donk butt over treats, Kukka!

Pam said...

i've never really thought of anderson cooper as HOT before....but these pics....ooh baby!!

Oh, and Wendy directed me here today!

Carmen said...

Kukka-maria, are you still not eating?

You should come over to my site and meet my Pooh Bear (scroll down). I'm not sure, but he may be part Siamese, because he is vocal about EVERYTHING! And he thinks every time I walk into the kitchen that it's time to eat.

Carmen said...

Oh, and Wendy sent me. And I may be back for *shhhhh* catnip.

Carmen said...

I'm not sure if I wanna make out with Anderson after your mom gets to him. :)

Back from Wendy's

Zeus said...

Ladies, ladies, ladies...

Why fight over Anderson Cooper when you could have me? I mean honestly...

And yeah, I could say Wendy sent me, but Kukka, you know I come here regardless! ;)

Happy0303 said...

Lots of treats here! C'mon over and share our stash. We secretly hide them when our human is at work.

Happy0303 said...

Oh yeah . . . here via Wendy's casting call!

Mama Duck said...

LOL even tho you are a CAT, you're still funny!! (Here from Wendy's)

Kukka-Maria said...

HOLD UP, DUCK!

Even though I'm a cat?

Them there is fightin' words! I hope you can swim fast!

Mama Duck said...

QUACK!!!!! Ducks bite, you know ;).

Zeus said...

I feel a little insulted too now by means of association. I thought Lil Duck was cool - she called me an attack cat. HMPH!

Kukka-Maria said...

You know, Zeus...Ducks can bite, but that won't do them any good if they get their eyes scratched out and can't see their target!

[I'm already feeling guilty about writing that. I'm a lover, not a fighter--unless you are Star Jones-Reynolds, then it's a balls-to-the-wall brawl!)

Otto K. said...

Ha, ha. :-)

Wendy sent me.

Gigolo Kitty said...

So, is he gay?

Kukka-Maria said...

GK, this is what I've gathered:

My agent says, "His kisses definitely say no."

The internet says, "Probably."

Anderson says, "No comment."

Are you interested in him, sweet GK? I'm sure, if he's not, he would still totally be into hooking up with a gorgeous and captivating Tom such as yourself!

Zeus said...

The way I see it, if he is gay, he's gonna wait until Lance Bass' publicity cools down and then he'll come out so he gets all of the attention.

Melli said...

ROFLMBO!!! Hang in their Kukka! You are speaking for Fat Cats everywhere!!! I'm sure my little Missy will appreciate all your efforts...

However... Miss Wings probably wants a nice sleeeek feline in her production... me thinks!

Mama Duck said...

Ha ha, attack animals have to stick together, eh? ;)

Kukka-Maria said...

What, Melli? I'm sorry, but...huh...I don't...what do you...

SLEEK?!

I always thought the rule of thumb was to surround yourself with cats fatter than you, so you look slim! Perhaps Miss Wendy subscribes to that theory?

I just can't...I don't know how...I can't believe you are suggesting I'm not sleek!

I need to lie down now. And not because the junk in my trunk and gravity are working against me!

Ayla said...

Bah. If you want treats and she doesn't give them to you POOP ON HER PILLOW. That'll teach her.

DEBRA said...

Kukka darling

I hope your agent(Mom) has given you some treats. How long can a poor poodin go without treats?

*ABBY(DO I need to Express Mail some to you?)

Carmen said...

back from Wendys

Hows the hunger strike working out?

craziequeen said...

Kukka honey - EAT!!

Don't let Brach have all the stinky goodness.....

It's Charlie and Pandora's mum here from Wendy's Audition...

cq

Kukka-Maria said...

Abby, I will take all the treats you can Fed Ex! While I have now started eating my food, she has only given me 2 treats today!

TWO!

I'm going to have to monitor her treat intake from now on. Let's see how she likes it!

Mommy the Maid said...

I really enjoyed reading your blog. and...

"Wendi Directed me here today" :D

Hot(M)BC said...

Only 2 treats today? EEK!

~~ Mini

MysteriousLady said...

Anderson Cooper has some famous parent, I just can't remember at the moment who that is! LOL! Brain fart!

Here from Wendy's!

K T Cat said...

Mother Superior, Mr. Cooper's androgynous, metrosexual powers hold no attraction for the Maximum Leader.

Unless he's got tuna. Has he got tuna? Oooooh I love tuna so much! Tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna!

Happy0303 said...

Would you be interested in submitting this post to the Carnival of Family Life? Afterall, pets are part of the family, too. Let me know. Deadline for submissions are Sunday August 6th at 8pm Hawaii Time. Here is a link to one of our previous carnivals.

http://the-pink-diary.blogspot.com/2006/07/
carnival-of-family-life-11.html

Have a great evening!

the womom said...

That was so funny! I loved it!