Friday, August 25, 2006

Behind the Music--Kukka & Poison

In 1985, when the band formerly knows as "Paris" hit the L.A. scene, Kukka-Maria attended a concert. Though completely intoxicated, she recognized the potential these men possessed and approached them with an opportunity. She was going to be their lead singer. She climbed on stage, grabbed the microphone, and shrieked sang over Bret Michaels, the lead vocalist. While the band was visibly disturbed, the audience went wild for the exciting combination of feline howling and glam metal jamming.

When the concert was over, history was made when the band asked Kukka-Maria to join the band permanently. She agreed on one condition. They change their name to "Poison" and that every night, they pledge to always back-comb their hair higher than they did the night before. "Big hair is going to be the rage, boys! Get those combs and hairspray out and make me proud!" As legend has it, Kukka is also the inspiration behind the notorious stage make-up of late 80's hair bands.

After touring around the country, Poison was offered a recording deal and released "Look What the Cat Dragged In" in 1986. This album was a clear reference to their new lead singer, Kukka. And, while the album doesn't reflect it, Kukka's drunken phone calls to Bret late at night were the inspiration for the hit "Talk Dirty to Me."

Bret Michaels: "Kukka was my heart and soul. At that point in my life, it was critical I find a woman who could keep me grounded; we were experiencing such profound success in such a short period of time. Kukka was the one who reminded me that no matter how many breasts I autographed, her multiple nipples were the thing I loved coming home to."

After releasing their second and third albums, "Open Up and Say...Ahh!" and "Flesh & Blood," the band began their downward spiral. By the time their fourth album, "Swallow this Live" released, drugs and alcohol had taken a toll on the band.

Kukka: "Those were really heady times. Bret and I had a lot of conflict and sexual tension, creating a strong love/hate relationship. C.C. Deville had his own love/hate relationships with cocaine and alcohol. It was at this time, I decided I would need to leave the band in order to gain some sort of balance."

Upon Kukka-Maria's departure, she was courted by many other glam hair bands. Quiet Riot, desperate to reprise the extreme popularity they achieved in the early to mid 1980's, offered Kukka-Maria a very lucrative deal. Former flame, Stephen Pearcy of RATT, called daily in order to coerce The Empress into joining their band and remake "Round and Round," with a female edge. Band after band pursued her. Aerosmith, Van Halen, KISS, and Mötley Crüe would not stop knocking on her door.

She turned them all down.

Opting for a quiet life in West Michigan, she decided to focus on her life's goal: To be famous for being famous.

So, where are they now?

  • Bret Michaels (Vocalizin' and Socializin') has his own production company and is touring with Poison during the summer of 2006. He continues to send Kukka emails, asking for her hand in marriage. She declines every time.
  • Rikki Rockett (Sticks, Tricks and Lipstick Fix) has joined with Chop Shop Drums to create a drum line. Lately, he's been calling Kukka for dates.
  • Bobby Dall (Bass Rapin' and Heartbreakin') lives in Indialantic, Florida. He declined to participate in this documentary.
  • C.C. DeVille (Guitar Screechin' and Hair Bleachin') spent many years in and out of rehab. Most recently, he was seen on Season 6 of VH1's Surreal Life. While he has made no attempt to contact Kukka-Maria, he speaks publicly of his love for her every chance he gets.
  • Kukka-Maria (Silver Voice, Golden Vagina) has gone on to remarkable success! She has been romantically linked to many hot celebrities (Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise (before his recent craziness), George Clooney (although reps for both deny this), and many more. After receiving various nominations for Oscars, Golden Globes, Tonys (or would that be Tonies), etc., she agreed to release an album of her greatest solo hits. Due to the fact she has never released a single solo album, her fans have been hungry to get their hands on this one! Blogging every week day, she receives eleventy-gajillion hits per hour and has numerous requests to author a book (or two, or three...). Recently launching her own clothing line, the demand for Kukka's talents and time continue to grow in numbers and intensity.

Kukka-Maria and Poison have made a strong impression on our society. But more Kukka and less Poison. If you were to be honest with yourself, I think you would admit that not a day goes by without you singing:

"Cause baby we'll be
At the drive-in
In the old man's Ford
Behind the bushes
Till I'm screamin' for more
Down the basement
Lock the cellar door
And Kukka...
Talk dirty to me!"


Gemini said...

Oh Kukka-Maria, you have had such an exciting life!

Zeus said...

Zeus grabs the nearest microphone and casts a deep, penetrating gaze at Kukka-Maria. He sets himself on a chair against a black backdrop and throws his long, wavy blonde..err, ginger locks back as he sings.

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper
and I'd think of you
And all the tears you cried,
that called my name
And when you needed me I came through

I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and
you would make me see
Id stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me

Zeus extends his paw out to Kukka-Maria:

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
Id wanna hear you say - I remember you

Zeus' voice drops down an octave now as he tries to capture the pure essence of the lyrics...

We spend the summer with the top rolled down
Wished ever after would be like this
You said I love you babe, without a sound
I said Id give my life for just one kiss
Id live for your smile and die for your kiss

You can tell he's really getting into it now! His tail swooshes violently from side to side as he continues to whip his hair...err fur to and fro...

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
Id wanna hear you say - I remember you

Weve had our share of hard times
But thats the price we paid
And through it all we kept the promise that we made
I swear youll never be lonely

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away
cause youll always be my dream come true
Oh my darling, I love you

He's screaming now at the top of his tiny feline lungs. His jaw is near full extension as the high-pitched notes shatter the air. He can't contain himself any longer and grabs Kukka-Maria, pulling her to him...

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
Id wanna hear you say - I remember you

It's almost like he's waiting for her to actually say that she remembers him, but all she does is look at him blankly. His voice raises yet another remarkable octave, and now, he's singing in tones that only dogs and cats can hear...

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
Id wanna hear you say - I remember you

When it's over, he releases his grip on Kukka-Maria. It's clear his hard rock hard no effect on her, and with a sadness in his eyes that only Sebastian Bach would comprehend, he walks off into the distance...

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Kukka the fun never ends with you. Can't wait to tune in next time for the next installment. You are so worldly!

Renee said...

I am so sorry that I missed that. I was listening to New Wave back then. It would have been so nice to say "I knew her when..."

Tigersan said...

Good Day, Empress Kukka-Maria.

Oh my gosh... that is just too Kukka Kool :). The cat really did drag something neat in :)

Carmen said...

Kukka, you back-combed and hair-sprayed so well back in the 80s.

I'm sure it gives you some satisfaction that you are much more successful then they are now!

singaporegrrl said...

bwahahaha! Damn guitar riff, can't get it out of my head, now.