It's one thing to call me a slut. It's another thing to call me a drunken, loose tramp. It's yet another thing to say that I'm an abomination to the feline species and a dirty, dirty, dirty whore. But to accuse me of mothering a crapload of illegitimate kittens? You, sir, have crossed the line!
Yes, I am the defendant in a Class Action Maternity Suit! I received papers yesterday from my feral alley cat attorneys, "Itchy, Scratchy, Boots and Goldstein, Attorneys at Law." In the suit, I am being accused of "slutting it up" and "mothering over 200 illegitimate kittens over an alarmingly short period of time." The suit further claims I "failed to nurture the kittens appropriately" due to my "extreme concern" over the "potential sagging" of my "enormous bazooms" from breast-feeding.
Now, I know they're lying. I would never have used the words "enormous bazooms!" "Honkin' hooters," maybe, but never "enormous bazooms."
Of the 200 plaintiffs, here are four of my "alleged" offspring:
- Rocky was a stray, found near a prison. I have to admit, when I read that, I thought he just might be my baby! After all, I have dated a few prisoners in my day. When his profile said he was merely 6 months old, I was relieved! It's been at least 14 months since my last conjugal visit with Bruiser!
- Litabit sure had the supermodel pose, causing me, for a mere moment, to think she may have sprung from my loins. It became clear she was no kitten of mine, though, when I saw her yellow eyes. Come on! She would have to wear green-tinted contact lenses in order to even appear normal! Everyone knows my kittens would be born with eyes that naturally coordinated with their fur!
- Celina was a dead ringer for me. So much so, I thought I was looking into a mirror. A mirror that accentuated my youth, yet curiously, made me appear a wee-bit less attractive. Upon seeing
myher sweet face staring back at me, I was overwhelmed. I actually hoped she was my baby! Then I realized she was just too cute and, while my children would be exquisite, they sure wouldn't threaten my position as super-sexiest-feline-diva! No, ma'am!
- Poppy, especially in the "passed out drunk" pose, could have easily been confused as my offspring! I could almost smell the Jim Beam evaporating from the photograph, virtually guaranteeing this cat was my kitten! Then, I saw she was an adult. Sister, maybe. Daughter, nope!
The file continued, page after long page, with hundreds of cats laying claim to my lineage and fortune. Bitsy, Rascal, Pom-Pom, Sassy, Freak-Nasty, Oprah, Jay Leno, Geraldo...I could go on and on, but to be honest, I don't really remember most of their names.
I'm sort of nervous about this lawsuit! How am I going to defend myself against all of these lock-tight maternity cases? Am I going to be taken for every penny I have? Am I am going to be left in financial ruin and emotional turmoil? This story will be on every tabloid cover in the entire world! How in the hell will I maintain my reputation as super-easy with no strings attached, if I am held responsible for birthing all of these kittens? How will I even bounce back from this type of scandal?
Oh, yes. I forgot!
I was spayed when I was six-weeks old! Since the gestation period for cats is 9-9½ weeks, this makes it impossible for them to hold me accountable for the maternal neglect I never unleashed!
Suck on that, kitten-support-hungry baby-daddys!
[Editor's note: The four cats who played the featured roles of "Alleged Offsprings 1-4" are currently available for adoption at The Noah Project in Muskegon, Michigan. Simply click on their name to see their profiles. While there are no guarantees they will have Kukka's...ahem...congenial disposition and overwhelming humility, if you live in the West Michigan area and would like to adopt a Kukka of your own, this is a great opportunity. If you live elsewhere and wish to adopt a cat, who will ultimately own you, please visit http://www.petfinder.com/ to search for a pretty kitty in your area.
If you are not able to adopt, please remember that shelters in your area are always in need of supplies!]