Wednesday, August 09, 2006

"Dear Kukka...", Volume XII

Oh, yes. I'm back with the twelvththpbbbt...12th edition of "Dear Kukka." I am sure you probably thought this edition would come sooner, as I receive eleventy squillion letters each day. I know. I do. I appreciate your hunger to read my mail! I am just now answering some pressing fan questions because my agent refused to open the mailbags for me. RE-FUSED!

And they hesitate to call me "oppressed."

No matter. I've got them open now and I've chosen some of the better questions to answer. Don't you dare take that attitude with me, fan-whose-letter-is-not-answered-here! I resent your tone! If you sent me a question and I don't answer it here, you can expect to receive a form-letter response, written by one of my assistants and rubber-stamped with my signature sometime within the next decade.*

Without further ado, let's get this party started!

Q: Kukka, if you were stranded on a deserted island and could only have three luxury items, what would you want?
A: First off, if I were stranded on a deserted island, I would be thrilled, for it would mean I somehow figured out how to remove the window screen and make a run for it! Plus, it implies I would have spent some time on a luxury yacht--albeit a yacht that was destined for doom. Here are my "essential" items: 1 copy of Cosmo, my tiara, and my Tomcat Stable (I know there are 6 cat-boy-toys there, but because I cleverly lump them together, I can count them as one item). And, because I have such a bodacious figure, I might try to smuggle a flask of booze and a disco ball under the folds of my flesh. I'm just saying...if you've got the bootay, you may as well try to put it to good use!

Q: Kukka, you did such an amazing job on CBS's Big Brother game last year! It's even been rumored you have been romantically involved with Kaysar Ridha! Why were you not asked to join this year’s All-Star cast?
A: Thank you for your compliment! I was a stellar player last year! In fact, the rest of the houseguests barely realized I was there! As for the alleged romance with Kaysar? Yes, he is super-sexy. Yes, he pursued me. Yes, we dated briefly. And yes, I am still incredibly attracted to him. Unfortunately, when we spoke of marriage, we found an insurmountable conflict. He was not willing to let me win this year’s Big Brother All Stars competition! I called him selfish. He called me a super-sexy Big Brother loser. We got into a huge slap fight at the casting call for the All Stars. It ended with both of us in tears and me bowing out of the show. Even though our relationship is strained, I still love Kaysar and believe, due to our super-sexiness, we would make beautiful kittens (even though I have been spayed...but isn't that just a technicality?). Call me, Kaysar! Especially since you are getting “back-doored” (no, it’s not a filthy act, you non-BB7-watching-perverts) and, unfortunately, will be evicted this week.

Q: Kukka, it’s widely known that you are an avid member of PETA, yet I’ve heard you have a fondness of “hunting” chipmunks through the sliding glass door screen. Although chipmunks have an enormous amount of protein, are you prepared for the psychological trauma that comes with the slaughter of those innocent, striped creatures?
A: I am a member of PETA! In fact, I was the original model for the "Turn Over a New Leaf" campaign. If Pamela Anderson hadn't put up such a huge stink, it would have been me who would have been plastered all over the country with lettuce on my nipples!
Having said that, I have thought about what would happen if the screen magically opened up and the chipmunk stood still enough to undergo my wrath. I guess I would be faced with two options. First, I could deny my every natural instinct and invite him in for a spot of tea. OR, I could tear him limb from limb and present the carnage to my agent as a tribute. I guess when I choose the latter, I’ll just splash red paint on myself to cancel it all out.
Q: Where did you get your long, white gloves? They look so pristine and glamorous, Kukka!
I can’t remember! They were either a gift from Tommy Lee’s baby mama (the leaf campaign stealer), or I got them when I was born, from Mother Nature (the consummate baby mama). Whoever gave them to me, I had better make sure my agent sent a thank-you card!

Q: There have been reports that Brach is actually larger than you. Is this true?
To answer this accurately, first we must define the term "larger." Physically? Yes, he is a tad "larger." Intellectually? I am totally "larger." Yes, he is blessed with a highly-functioning brain, but I am the one who has the street smarts. And, really, when it comes down to a matter of survival if when we escape the house, are "book smarts" the thing that is going to help us eat, keep us dry and protect us from a gang of diseased feral cats? I rest my "large" case!

Q: Do you intend to write any more books, Kukka-Maria? I know we were very touched by your first two best-selling self-help books, as well as your romantic work of fiction! We are anxiously awaiting your next masterpiece!
A: I am working on several initiatives as I type this (I have four set is responding to your question, while other set is typing away at my next book). Continuing my series on self-exploration (and exploration of others), I intend to publish several more books in the next year. While I am contractually obligated to keep the specifics under wraps, I can give you three of the proposed book titles:
  • "What the Hell Happened Last Night? Why Cats Should Switch to Beer After Their First Five Shots of Tequila."
  • "I Don't Think These Are Fleas...Feline STD's in the 21st Century."
  • "Systematic Mapping of Genetic Interactions in Caenorhabditis Elegans That Identify Common Modifiers of Diverse Signaling Pathways--and Other Shit Cats Don't Typically Know."

I thank you for your enthusiasm and look forward to seeing how that enthusiasm will translate into cash in my bank account!

As always, dear fans, continue sending the questions and pray that I am gracious enough to answer them in the next installment of "Dear Kukka."

* Response may not be in the form-letter format, but may just be a blank piece of paper. Said letter may not be actually written, nor stamped and mailed by an assistant, but rather a random feral cat looking for side-jobs. The term "next decade" does not necessarily indicate the period of time from August 9, 2006-August 9, 2016. The "next decade" start point will occur at the discretion of The Empress and her subsidiaries. For example, the moment you ask the whereabouts of your letter, The Empress may say, "The decade begins...NOW!" Yes, she is that cruel!


Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Kukka, as usual you have the answers to the most burning questions! We know we can trust it if it comes from you! We love having our own insider!

WendyWings said...

I feel sort of responsible for Kaysar getting booted, Erika is a friend of mine and I campaigned to get her back into the house, sorry :(
BTW never say never things could turn around and James might be blindsided.

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, Miss Wendy...I love Erika! In fact, I thought one of the best clip series was when she and Kaysar were flirty.

I think Kaysar is being too laid back regarding the decisions Janelle has been making and that is what is doing him in. I loved Season 6 but I'm disappointed in their game this year.

Having said that, I detest "Chilltown," but am impressed with how they are manipulating things! Who would have thunk it?

You are absolutely right about the blindsiding thing. It's happened so many times before..."EVICTED?! But I was the pawn!"

I do heart Kaysar, though. If he were a cat, I'd add him to my Tomcat Stable.

Gigolo Kitty said...

It is so good for you to take the time to answer fan mail! I can't believe Pamela Anderson had issues! That woman needs serious therapy.

The Meezers said...

oh oh oh oh oh WOW. i get to go to a deserted island wif you. would there be ham there?

Zeus said...

You know, when I read these Dear Kukka segments, it reminds me of how thankful I am that you are here, Empress. I don't know what I would do if I had to answer all of those questions, and you, being such a delightful civil servant, have taken it upon yourself to save all of us from the horror of fanmail.

Thank you, Kukka. Thank you so much!

Gemini said...

You've been tagged! HE HE. I gotch ya... Come see.

Carmen said...

I knew that Big Brother all stars was missing something! YOU"RE not there. Darn it, I'd have voted you in!

I hate to speak poorly of people that you've had slap fights with, but Kaysar has been a big woosy on this year's show, and I think he should go home.

Gemini said...

I really can't wait to read all your books. They are so informational. I wasn't sure I understood the last one though..

Renee said...

Kukka, as are "da bomb!" Is that even hip now? I don't know, but I find you totally fascinating.

I too have seen quite a few duds at Big Lots. I usually only buy things that I've inspected in the store. Although I did buy a jump drive there and I'm quite happy with it. :D

NOLADawn said...

Ok, definite problems... they put out Kaysar and put in a SHEEP??? H-E-L-L-O!! Umm, Empress Kukka anyone??