But not MY old boyfriends!
Oh, no! This weekend, I spent some serious time enjoying one of my favorite past-times: Drunk-dialing my agent's ex-boyfriends. I love disguising my voice to sound like hers and making sloppy phone calls to all the men she's loved before. Well, some of the men...I don't have enough free time to dedicate myself to the exhausting task of calling all the men. I'll just spell it out: She is a slut. [Editor's note: I am not, you evil little cat!]
I suppose, to protect the innocent, I will change the names. It's the least I can do. So, to shield their identities, I will refer to them as she always did--by their pet names. Enjoy the following conversations. I sure did!
[Ring, ring...(Yes, I feel the need to include the sound-effects in my transcripts. Quit laughing at me!)]
Red Hot Pookie Pie: Hello?
Kukka: Hiya, stud!
RHPP: Hot Lush Lips? Is that you?
Kukka: [Slurring my words for effect, I lower my voice as if I'm a phone-sex operator.] You know it's me, hunka-hunka-burnin'-love! Whatcha doin'?
RHPP: I'm watching a movie with my girlfriend. Why are you calling me? I thought you said I disgusted you!
Kukka: I said no such thing! You know, I've been thinking about you recently. A lot!
RHPP: You have? What have you been thinking?
Kukka: I've been thinking about how much I miss how you used to...["Red Hot Pookie Pie? Who is that on the phone?" It's clear, by the sound of her tone, the girlfriend hates it when RHPP hooks up with old girlfriends. How selfish is she?]
RHPP: [Lowering his voice to a whisper, he continues without answering her.] Listen, Hot Lush Lips, it sounds to me that you've had some cocktails tonight. Maybe you should call me another time--when you're sober. We can have lunch or something, to catch up.
Kukka: I would love to catch you!
RHPP: Sounds like a plan, Lushy. Why don't you have some coffee now. It will make you feel better and, hopefully, bring you to your senses. I'll talk with you later, okay?
Kukka: I miss you, Pookie. I look forward to a quickie at lunch!
RHPP: No quickie. Just lunch. In a public place. Where nothing will happen.
Kukka: Whatever. You know, on second thought, you should just go to hell! In fact, don't you ever call me again!
RHPP: I didn't call you! You called me, you drunken mess!
Kukka: You mother-fu...[Pookie hangs up on me. I laugh and look up the next number.]
[Brrrrrring, brrrrrring...Yes, his phone sounded very different. Why must you focus so much on the details?]
Squishy Bear's Wife: Hello?
Kukka: Squishy Bear? I'm naked. [While she does have a low voice, I am fully aware it's her and decide to have some bonus fun!]
SBW: Who is this?
Kukka: You know who it is, baby. Why don't you come over and we can hook up like we do all the time? Yes, I'm talking about having all the sex with you.
SBW: Who the hell is this?
Kukka: [Speaking very deliberately, as if, in my booze-soaked state, I am trying desperately to sound sober] Seriously, Squishy Bear. You have talked about leaving that nag of a wife for some time now. Let's run away together--like we've always planned!
SBW: Listen. I don't know who you are, but I'm calling the police!
Kukka: Call me later, when your wife goes to sleep.
SBW: Crazy bitch! [SBW hangs up the phone violently as I cackle with glee. Now, who is next?]
Kissy Boo-Boo Baby: Yo.
Kukka: Hey, Boo-Boo. Do you know who this is?
KBBB: Oh, yes I do, Numnum Sugar Lips! Where have you been all my life, sexy?
Kukka: I was calling because I had a few drinks and was, of course, thinking of you.
KBBB: You were? What were you thinking about?
Kukka: I was remembering all the great times we shared and wondering why we ever broke up!
KBBB: We broke up because you said I was a stalker and creeped you out.
Kukka: [I start sobbing for dramatic effect] I...never...said...that! I alwaysh luffed yeeeeeew!
KBBB: You took out a restraining order against me, Sugar Lips! I lost my job when I had to go to jail for 30 days because I sat outside your house with a boom-box over my head, playing "Every Rose has its Thorn" by the super-talented glam metal band, Poison.
Kukka: [Suddenly bombarded with horrifying memories and growing quite nervous, I attempt to quickly end the conversation.] Boo-Boo? Listen, I have to go. I am being arrested because I am being drunk and disorderly. I can't hold the phone in my paws...I mean hands anymore because the pigs are cuffing me. It was nice talking to you, but...
KBBB: I am coming for you, Numnum! Don't you worry, I will save you and we will be together forever. For-ev-er!
Kukka: Boo-Boo...I'm not even Sugar Lips! It's Kukka-Maria, the one who severely scratched your face and left you scarred forever! Don't come here! It's me, Kukk...!
KBBB: [Hangs up the phone]
Kukka: Crap. Crap. Shit! MOM! We have an issue! Kissy Boo-Boo Baby just called. He's drunk and on his way over here! I can not stress this enough: He was completely unprovoked. This was his own idea. He came up with it by himself! Bolt the door! Turn out the lights!
Fortunately, Kissy Boo-Boo Baby was detained by the squillions of paparazzi permanently camped in front of our house until the police came. I guess the paparazzi are good for something!
Maybe drunk-dialing my agent's ex-boyfriends wasn't such a good idea. No, it totally was. I just need to choose my victims more carefully next time. And, now that I think of it, I can't be held responsible for the fact she keeps these crazies in her little black book! Note to my agent: Lose the stalkers' phone numbers!