Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Hello Kukka

Associated Press (AP) - Further fueling the rumors of a feud between the two celebrities, Empress Kukka-Maria and heiress/socialite, Paris Hilton, will be pitted head-to-head in heated competition throughout Asian toy stores. Like the announcement from Miss Hilton's camp earlier this month, Kukka-Maria is now releasing her own "Hello Kitty" doll to be sold exclusively in Japan.

"I just don't understand why she would do this to me!" exclaimed a tearful Hilton in a telephone interview. "We were always the best of friends and then my stylist's hairdresser's chauffer's publicist's publicist called me with the terrible news! She knows her doll will outsell mine! This is just a strategic attempt to push me out of the very spotlight I've worked so hard to continuously be in!"

Friends--and former friends of the pair had plenty to say on the topic. Nicole Richie, daughter of 80's crooner, Lionel Richie, and former gal-pal of Hilton, offered her objective perspective. "Paris is a bitch. Period. Anything Kukka-Maria can do to put that crazy whore in her place is fine by me! Hello Kitty dolls? I would buy Paris Hilton Hello Kitty dolls--just to burn them over and over with lit cigarettes! But, if I did that, I would just be putting money in her pocket with the purchase of the dolls. Ugh! Bitch!"

Lindsay Lohan, who has been on the outs with Hilton for several months and, according to recent reports, trashed Kukka-Maria's guest house on a recent visit to The Empress, is torn. "I don't know who to support. I mean...like, everyone is expecting me to take sides, but since they both hate me equally, I'm not really sure what to do. Perhaps another tequila shot could help clarify things?" Lifting her top to reveal over-inflated "natural" breasts, Lohan exclaimed, "Bartender! I think José Cuervo is calling my name! Señor...another body shot, por favor!"

Nicky Hilton, sister to the amateur porn star Paris, seems to back her sister...we think. "Officially? I'm totally supporting my sister. Off the record? I'm strategically trying to distance myself from Paris and her party-girl ways and am focusing on my own dreams in fashion design. Do I think Paris is getting a raw deal? Sort of. Unofficially, I'm thinking it's in my best interest to stay clear of this--another Paris-Hiton-dramafest. Plus, while I would never tell Paris this, I am a die-hard Kukka-Maria fan! I am hoping she may allow me to design a handbag for her to carry at next year's Academy Awards!"

While Kukka-Maria was unavailable for comment, her mother agent provided this prepared statement:

"The Empress does not concern herself with the entrepreneurial efforts of her peers. The nice people at Hello Kitty approached Kukka-Maria with the idea of making a doll in her likeness, insisting it was a natural fit--as Kukka is a CAT! Miss Hilton's obsession with Kukka and her business decisions is nothing more than a creepy inconvenience. The Empress never has allowed the pressure from others drive her decision-making process, nor has she any immediate plans to change that strategy. Kukka-Maria's motto is: 'All is fair in love, war and Hello Kitty dolls.' Having said this, she wishes nothing but the best for that attention whore, Paris Hilton."

When asked about the predicted effect this melodrama will have on the sales of Hello Kitty dolls--both Paris and Kukka models, a Sanrio Company representative remarked, "Cha-ching!!"


George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Gosh, Mom says our Sister B had Hello Kitty things when she was a little girl and she didn't know they still sold that stuff. I think a complete line of Hello Kukka products would be a big hit here in the U.S. I would definitely ask for a Hello Kukka collar!


The Meezers said...

oh, a hello kukka doll? where can I order one? now i can cuddle up to kukka efurry night when i goes to sleep! - Miles

DEBRA said...

A new marketing line Kukka! You are more than an Empress -- you're a capitalist!

Drop by and visit, it's our one year annerversarry today. Yippee


Renee said...

ooooh goodie! I can get a Kukka too!

Kailani said...

I hope you're getting royalties off of this. You're gonna be one rich kitty! Don't forget us little people, k?

Zeus said...

I think I may join Nicole Richie in burning Paris Hilton Hello Kitty dolls....just so Kukka can have all the profits.

But keep that on the DL please....I don't want to ruin my reputation....

William said...

I can't wait to get one of yours, Kukka! Of course, it won't be the same as you, but it will be close enough.

DaisyMae Maus said...

When will the Hello Kukka line hit stores on the West Coast? I'll be the first in line to get a Hello Kukka doll or a Hello Kukka t-shirt! The Paris Hilton stuff isn't fit to line my litterbox. It's KUKKA all the way!
DaisyMae Maus

Carmen said...

I know whose side I'm on! Sign me up on the Kukka bandwagon!

brandywine said...

If what I see on some of the sites is true, Paris has now problem getting her kitty photographed by papparazi...usually getting out of the car for a night on the town. Your Hello Kukka doll looks cleaner and just what the world toy market has been waiting for. Let's see Oprah try to top that!!