"I just don't understand why she would do this to me!" exclaimed a tearful Hilton in a telephone interview. "We were always the best of friends and then my stylist's hairdresser's chauffer's publicist's publicist called me with the terrible news! She knows her doll will outsell mine! This is just a strategic attempt to push me out of the very spotlight I've worked so hard to continuously be in!"
Friends--and former friends of the pair had plenty to say on the topic. Nicole Richie, daughter of 80's crooner, Lionel Richie, and former gal-pal of Hilton, offered her objective perspective. "Paris is a bitch. Period. Anything Kukka-Maria can do to put that crazy whore in her place is fine by me! Hello Kitty dolls? I would buy Paris Hilton Hello Kitty dolls--just to burn them over and over with lit cigarettes! But, if I did that, I would just be putting money in her pocket with the purchase of the dolls. Ugh! Bitch!"
Lindsay Lohan, who has been on the outs with Hilton for several months and, according to recent reports, trashed Kukka-Maria's guest house on a recent visit to The Empress, is torn. "I don't know who to support. I mean...like, everyone is expecting me to take sides, but since they both hate me equally, I'm not really sure what to do. Perhaps another tequila shot could help clarify things?" Lifting her top to reveal over-inflated "natural" breasts, Lohan exclaimed, "Bartender! I think José Cuervo is calling my name! Señor...another body shot, por favor!"
Nicky Hilton, sister to the amateur porn star Paris, seems to back her sister...we think. "Officially? I'm totally supporting my sister. Off the record? I'm strategically trying to distance myself from Paris and her party-girl ways and am focusing on my own dreams in fashion design. Do I think Paris is getting a raw deal? Sort of. Unofficially, I'm thinking it's in my best interest to stay clear of this--another Paris-Hiton-dramafest. Plus, while I would never tell Paris this, I am a die-hard Kukka-Maria fan! I am hoping she may allow me to design a handbag for her to carry at next year's Academy Awards!"
While Kukka-Maria was unavailable for comment, her
"The Empress does not concern herself with the entrepreneurial efforts of her peers. The nice people at Hello Kitty approached Kukka-Maria with the idea of making a doll in her likeness, insisting it was a natural fit--as Kukka is a CAT! Miss Hilton's obsession with Kukka and her business decisions is nothing more than a creepy inconvenience. The Empress never has allowed the pressure from others drive her decision-making process, nor has she any immediate plans to change that strategy. Kukka-Maria's motto is: 'All is fair in love, war and Hello Kitty dolls.' Having said this, she wishes nothing but the best for that attention whore, Paris Hilton."
When asked about the predicted effect this melodrama will have on the sales of Hello Kitty dolls--both Paris and Kukka models, a Sanrio Company representative remarked, "Cha-ching!!"