Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Inside the Actors Studio--Kukka-Maria

[Open on James Lipton staring out into the crowd, stone-faced, from behind his desk, blue cards in hand.]

James Lipton: If I had a choice between interviewing my next guest.. or getting in my homemade time machine, going back in time to Ancient Rome, riding into town on the shoulders of a bare-chested man as peasants threw gifts and shouted "Long Live James Lipton"...I would send Gaius Julius Caesar my regrets! For if a single moment of her life were placed in an envelope, wrapped in aluminum foil, dipped in hot wax, strategically covered with shards of glass, and placed on a limestone would still be so powerful it could cure some form of malaria. Ladies and gentlemen...please welcome...Empress Kukka-Maria.

[Amidst deafening applause, Kukka-Maria enters the stage and leaps onto two silk pillows, stacked on a chair, across from James Lipton.]

JL: Her Royal Highness, Empress Kukka-Maria...Welcome.

KM: Thank you, I am glad to be here.

JL: [Grabbing a blue index card from the towering stack in front of him, James Lipton pauses for dramatic effect before continuing.] Where were you born?

KM: I was born in Rothbury, Michigan.

JL: Tell us about your birth parents. What were their names?"

KM: My father was Emperor Charles Augustus Poodly Dolfus William Henry Isaac Newton Smith. My mother's name was Willow Danae. My father passed away during the summer of 1999, leaving me to inherit his throne. As far as I know, my alcoholic birth-mother lives in North Dakota and only calls when she needs money for booze.

JL: If you were supposed to take over the throne, how is it that you ended up 32.54 miles away from your empire?

KM: It's the typical boy-meets-girl/boy-loses-girl tale, James. I would have inherited the throne, but I, unfortunately, was born female. The animal empire decided they could not...would not be led by a chick and forced me from my home. As a small kitten of merely 5 weeks, I was dropped off at the Double JJ Ranch in Rothbury.

[The audience offers up a collective gasp.]

JL: With all due respect, Kukka-Maria, I don't believe you are using the "boy-meets-girl" reference correctly.

KM: With all due respect, James Lipton, you are a douche bag.

JL: Touché, Empress...Touché. In the early autumn of 1999, your adopted mother...I'm sorry, agent, traveled to the ranch for an offsite work event, where she met you for the first time. Tell us how she came to adopt you.

KM: When my agent arrived, I saw her group heading to a conference room, so I followed. Upon noticing I was trying to go with them, she picked me up and held me as I immediately fell asleep. Of course, she thought I was bonding with her, but in all honesty, I was just glad to have a warm, soft spot in which to sleep. You see, up until that point, I had been sleeping in either the barn or in the gift shop on a hard shelf. Later, on a break, either she asked the ladies in the store if I was their kitten, if I was available for adoption, or if I knew I was the most beautiful and super-sexiest kitten in the world. I can't remember what she said, exactly, as I was zonked on her bosom, drooling and dreaming. I imagine it was the latter.

JL: In the spring of 2000, you began dating Brad Pitt.

[The audience bursts into applause.]

KM: Yes, I did. For the sake of his privacy--and mine, I prefer not to talk too much about it. I will say we shared a freaky-deaky love affair that was destined to burn brightly, but end quickly. I told him early on, that I knew I could never love him the way he deserved and that, when the steamy love was over, it would be important that he move on. For both our sakes.

JL: In the fall of 2000, you won a Daytime Emmy for my captivating portrayal of the teenage runaway, "Tawny" on All My Children. People were surprised that a cat won!

KM: Yes, James. I think, though, they were more surprised that I won for a scene that ended up on the cutting-room floor. I blame the inept director and talentless crew. They claim they were not able to figure out how to effectively film my too-tall human co-stars and my perfectly petite self in the same scene. I think they were just intimidated by my talent and grace.

JL: I agree, Empress...I agree. As you know, I like to end my interviews with the 10 questions made famous by the renown French journalist and interviewer, Bernard Pivot.

KM: Yes, I know, James. Everyone freakin' knows. Bring them on.

JL: What is your favorite word?

KM: Kukka. It means "flower" in Finnish and is the name of my favorite cat in the entire world. She is beautiful and talented, intelligent and creative, super-sexy and...

JL: [Interrupting Kukka-Maria's self-love fest] What is your least favorite word?

KM: No. I hate being denied my every desire.

JL: What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

KM: My own reflection.

JL: What turns you off?

KM: Criticism.

JL: What is your favorite curse word?

KM: Fuck. It's got the FFFFF and the UHHHHH and the CK! It's harsh and it's bold and it's scandalous, but then again, so am I! Sometimes there just isn't any other word that can effectively convey your emotions.

JL: What sound or noise do you love?

KM: The sound of the treat jar being shaken.

JL: What sound or noise do you hate?

KM: The moment when the applause stops.

JL: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

KM: Exotic dancer.

JL: What profession would you not like to do?

KM: Litterbox scooper.

JL: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

KM: "Kukka-Maria! It's about time you got here! I need your help!"

JL: It's truly been an honor to spend this time with you. Normally we open the floor to the students so they can ask you questions to help them in their studies. Tonight I am going to forego that. I feel as though your wisdom and skill far surpasses their abilities. Plus, I feel as though I have done such a wonderful job interviewing you, there are no other questions to ask. Kukka-Maria, you are a true talent, true beauty and a true empress.

[Lights fade as they audience applauds.]


Renee said...

*clap* *clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap*

Bravo! Bravo!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

We think you deserve your own talk show. If Tyra, Ellen, Oprah, Geraldo, Dr. Phil, The View ladies, Rachel Ray (please!) that Springer guy and all the rest whose names we can't even remember can do it, you can do it better! Your agent needs to conference with the major networks about this.

brandywine said...

I find volumes of wisdom when you give interviews....but catafalque, what the hell is that? And if I were sealed in such a vessel, would it be called a "dogafalque".

The Meezers said...

what a wonderful and insightful interview Kukka. Can I get a DVD of it so that I can watch it a squillion times a day? - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

Brandywine, a catafalque is the platform on which one would place a casket for viewing. Why James Lipton used the word is beyond me. Perhaps he just wanted to confuse the hell out of you!

That's how he rolls, BW...

Renee said...

No Kukka, sadly he didn't put out either. He had to go to work this AM...I know, it's a bad excuse.

Renee said...

No that wasn't it Kukka, but you do get a prize for making me LOL. How 'bout a tummy rub?

Gemini said...

I am furry excited that they gave you such a major interview Kukka-Maria. You deserve it.

Hot(M)BC said...

Great interview Kukka!

Renee said...

ww updated & explained fefyfomanna: Wordless Wednesday

Victor Tabbycat said...

'Scuse me... Brach, there's anofur crime needin yur CSI skills. There was a burr-larry at Manx Mnews. I hope Kukka won't mind if you go ofur there to help Abby infestigate.

Zeus said...

I don't even know where to begin as I am still just so overwhelmed by the revelations in this interview. First, I am not at all surprised that Mr. Lipton would choose you over Gaius Julius Caesar, but did he necessarily need all of the pomp and circumstance of flamboyant language to convey this? After all, isn't it obvious that one should choose you over Caesar?

Then, I had no idea your father's name was so wicked long! Goodness, how did you ever manage to learn it? How many times did you have to practice saying that? I can only imagine the confusion you must have felt growing up trying to remember the entire formal version. I'm sure you were extremely happy to realize you could just call him "Dad" instead.

Third, I'm baffled by the fact that you didn't want to talk about Brad Pitt on television, but you have no problem discussing the intimate details here on your blog. You do realize that now that you have appeared on this show that millions of people will flock to the blog and learn the inside scoop nonetheless? I think you did it just as a marketing ploy!

Renee said...

LOL Kukka! I should post about Bronner's. I had my first visit last summer...but I got a ton of my wedding gifts from there...also a Frankenmuth tradition - Christmas ornaments for a wedding gift.

Dh's great grandparents built the house that is now The Little White House, formally Grandma's House gifts. FIL grew up in that house. MIL used to work for Bronners and has a set of Hummel Christmas ornaments that were a gift from her boss. She also worked at Zehnder's. DH grew up in Frankenmuth sort of.

PrincessMia said...

Fabulous, dahling. Another one for the dvr.

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

You must be rather successful to appear on Inside the Actors Studio, Kukka-Maria. Please do not forget to tithe to the ministry.

And thank you for your concern for the pope. I ... cannot yet bring myself to discuss what happened on that fateful night.

Gattina said...

Very nice your blog ! had a lot of fun. I surely come back. If you like meet my four cats!

Carmen said...

The applause from me never stops, unless I go to sleep. :) My clapper lights are always flickerig because of you!

NOLADawn said...

that Lipton, he is always the insightful one. How much of a coup did score to get Kukka! Rosie and Katie, oops, err- what's her name? Meredith must be spitting in disgust that they didn't get the interview to kick of the new season!
Bravo to the Actor's Studio for seeing how much you could teach their students!!