Tired of the stress and demand of the Hollywood life, Kukka returned to the stability of West Michigan and began a very successful blogging endeavor in 2005. Maneuvering through the onslaught of paparazzi permanently camped in front of her crib, we were able to convince Empress Kukka-Maria to give us an exclusive tour of her amazing home.
Kukka: Hey everyone! I’m Kukka-Maria…which, of course, you already know. Welcome to my crib!
I really want to apologize to my fans out there. I tried making sure everything would be displayed properly for your visit, but, because the Dread Pirate Blogger is jealous of my extreme success, he prevented me from posting photos. Instead, you can click on the links as we breeze along the walk-through of my crib and you can see pictures that I've uploaded to Flickr.
The first thing you’ll notice as we enter my gorgeous home is the gold-encrusted dome ceiling in foyer. Here’s a bit of trivia for you uncouth riff raff out there. Foyer is spelled F…O…Y…E…R, but is pronounced "fwa-yay." I hereby give you permission to share that tidbit with your family and friends—since I know you will do it anyway. Ok—back to the foyer. You’d be an absolute idiot not to notice the intricate tile work adorning the walls. I did it myself. And by that, I mean I hired some hot, sweaty men to do it for me.
As we head to the right, off of the foyer, we enter the entertainment room. Amidst the 72 jeweled scratching posts, 471 caged mice and hanging toys to swat, you’ll see our toy basket. Had you come here yesterday, you could have met Mouse #472. I am sorry to say he passed away last night from injuries sustained in [Kukka’s agent whispers into her ear]…um…he died from natural causes. Back to the toy basket. Some of you may wonder why Brach and I have to share a toy basket. We don’t. I own all of the toys and I let him play with them occasionally. The toys he owns are kept under the couch due to his own irresponsibility.
On the other side of the entertainment room, you'll notice our ginormous flat-screen television. I'd have to double-check my figures, but I would guess it's about eleventy-four inches by fourteen feet. It's huge. Most of the time, you'll find me watching "Birds Sure Eat a Helluva Lot" and "Chipmunk Torment Theater" on the Our Yard Network (OYN).
Leaving the entertainment room, we enter the eat-in kitchen. Our stainless-steel sub-zero is in the shop, so we for now we have a run-of-the-mill fridge. I’m sure you’ll notice the chilled bottle of Cristal champagne that is a standard issue for the who’s who of Hollywood. If you didn't notice it, don't worry...I'm always sure to bring it to guests' attention. One of my favorite parts about the kitchen is that my treats are kept there. Some people are of the belief I am unable to open the fridge on my own and retrieve treats whenever I wish. Wrong. I can totally open it when I want to! I just don't want to ruin my manicure, so I demand my agent do it for me.
Let's head down to the master bedroom. Here is where the magic happens! If you peel back the cat face blanket, you'll see the bed is actually navy blue. Because it was a "hair magnet," my agent covered the bed with this lovely blanket. I have to admit, the cat faces sort of scare me. Sometimes, I'll forget I'm in bed and think one of these faces is actually my reflection! Holy crap! I'm shaking now just thinking about it! I can not imagine what it would be like to look this ugly! I'd have to ask my agent what that's like!! [Kukka’s agent whispers into her ear] Fine. Yes, I do want treats more than I want to insult you in front of the 16 to 24-year-old American youth demographic.
Moving on...here is the master bath. Unfortunately, I have to share it with my brother, Brach. He is pretty particular about cleanliness, though, so I don't mind too much. While most celebrities choose to install elaborate steam showers and jacuzzi tubs, I went with a more "simple" approach. We installed this enormous scratchy tongue shower on the wall here to bathe us and we went with a covered litterbox--no bidet. The scoop stored on top of the litterbox is used, albeit seemingly infrequently, by my agent to scoop our turds. I think that is the wonderful way the universe balances itself. What? No treats? Yeah...scoop this, lady!
As we head around this corner, you'll see the guest house. Up until 4th of July weekend, I was open to having any celebrity guest stay in the guest house. Then Lindsay Lohan trashed it. After she left, it took my agent three days to clean up the cigarette butts, hair extensions, ex-boyfriends, beer bottles, and condoms strewn about! Three days! That meant my agent was unable to devote those days to me and my every need!
Congratulations, Lindsay Lohan! You are now on my Litter List! I'm beginning to believe the drunken Brandon Davis/Paris Hilton slurs that your lady bits may be ablaze. [Looking at the shrugging camera man, Kukka shakes her head] I know...I have no idea who Brandon Davis is, either!
[Kukka’s agent whispers into her ear] Are we really out of time? Ok. Well, MTV. I'm glad you came by to see my crib, but you really need to go home now! Get out before I sic Lindsay Lohan's fire-crotch on you!
[Turning to her agent as she closes the door] Would I need to wear some skank-resistant gloves in order to safely deal with anything related to Lindsay Lohan?
ANNOUNCER: Well, that concludes another exciting episode of MTV Cribs. Join us next week, when we'll get a peek into the new home of the Jolie-Pitts. Not only will we explore their new nursery, we'll get a glimpse of their recently-constructed Kukka-Maria Shrine and Feline Empress Rock Garden! See you next week!