Monday, August 28, 2006

Open Letter to my Agent, Vol 8

Dearest Crazy,

If you put another call through from Tom Cruise, I will claw your eyes out as you sleep. Don't laugh. I totally will! For the record, I do not wish to date him (again), I do not wish to convert to Scientology (ever), I do not wish to fund his next movie endeavor (he's cah-raaaaazy), and I don't want to be photographed with Suri (even though that is what he and the rest of the world is waiting for).

When you distribute treats and Brach is too damn lazy to come to the kitchen, I don't think it's fair that you take his share back. The dispensation should be standard and the feline(s) in attendance (me) should be allowed to determine what to do with the unused portion. Check your feline manual, woman. I'm not making this shit up! Also, when he does meander into the kitchen a few minutes later, I don't think it is cool for you to quarantine me so you can give him his share. If you snooze, you lose! That's always been my rule...except when it comes to me. But then, when have I ever snoozed through the scattering of the treats?

When I wish for you to pet me, I will use all the necessary manipulation tactics at my disposal. I find the "Gurgling Bronchial Turmoil" purr works well. You know...the one that makes you think I'm choking on my own saliva! Whatever you wish to call it, I will continue to use it to use it so you will feel sorry for me and scratch the living daylights out of my neck and ear regions.

Speaking of bodily regions, I will continue to lick my butt in front of the open sliding glass door--no matter how embarrassing you say it is for the both of us. I've invited you to join me and you have declined. I'm flexible. You're jealous. Get over it and mind your own business!

Otherwise...you're doing a stellar job! Keep up the good work, lady!

Graciously Yours,
The Empress

12 comments:

Gemini said...

You Momma needs to learn that when it's over, it's over. What has she got about Tom anyway?

The Meezers said...

Kukka, fank you for making our mommy laugh - it's been a furry sad day in our house and you have put a smile on her face. Fank you.

Oh, and you are SO totally right about the treat law - if it's there, it cannot be taken back.

Miles

Renee said...

Tell us the truth Kukka...this was all about the treats...wasn't it?

Kailani said...

So that's why Kaimana is always hacking up a lung . . . to get attention. Well, it won't work next time!

Victor Tabbycat said...

Oh, wow, praise for the mom from Kukka! I gree bout the treats. Don't know bout Tom. Maybe he should talk to Brach next time.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

To keep "the help" in line, there are two things to remember:

1. Administer discipline as needed
2. Throw a few crumbs of praise from time to time

You've done an excellent job on both!

Kimo & Sabi said...

We think your Mommakitty is using you to get close to all those celebs! Our Mommakitty says Tom Cruise is a wacko!

Samantha said...

You are SO right to turn down Tom! He hasn't been cool since "Cocktail" LOL I think your mommy must just get confused sometimes, it happens when you're human ya know! She probably gets overwhelmed by your popularity!

Hot(M)BC said...

*big kitty giggles*

Carmen said...

But empress, if you date Tom Cruise again, he'll buy you a sonogram machine! ;)

Zeus said...

But Kukka: Imagine how much money you could make printing copies of a photograph with you and Suri? People will pay BIG money for that!

K T Cat said...

I would recommend that the treats be kept with the lid off in a place where everyone in the family can get to them.