It is a little-known fact that six months prior to the start of The Donny and Marie Show in 1975, Zeus and I were recruited to host our own variety hour. Unfortunately, because our show was broadcast in Meow, with English subtitles, it didn't do as well as Donny and Marie Osmond's efforts and was cancelled shortly after its spectacular launch. After a long battle in court over who owned the original idea of the variety show, we dropped our lawsuit, realizing Donny and Marie needed this vehicle to launch their careers, while we would be just fine--riding solely on our own talent.
In honor of the Wendy's Whimsies audition process, I have pulled out some vintage footage from the 1970's variety show, "Zeus and Kukka." Please enjoy the following transcript as you take a walk down memory lane...
[Curtains open and a purply-clad sensational singing duo emerge]
Kukka: I'm a little bit country
Zeus: I'm a little bit rock n roll
Kukka: I'm a little bit Memphis & Nashville
Zeus: With a little bit of Motown in my soul
Kukka: I don't know it's good or bad
Zeus: I know I love it so
Kukka: I'm a little bit country
Zeus: I'm a little bit rock n roll!
[Zeus and Kukka, teeth bared in over-enthusiastic grins, greet their audience]
Zeus: Hello, everyone and welcome to the Zeus and Kukka show!
Kukka: We've got an amazing show for you tonight, filled with cheesy, yet creative sketches and some catchy ditties you will be singing for the next two days as they permeate your brain and dominate your every thought!
Zeus: Kukka...do you really think brain infiltration is appropriate?
Kukka: Of course I do! And here's a song to prove it!
[Suddenly serious, Kukka begins singing her touching ballad, "Paper Roses"]
Kukka: Paper Roses...Paper Roses...Oh how real those roses seem to be. But they're only...imitation...like your imitation love for me.
Zeus: But, Kukka, that song has nothing to do with mind control.
Kukka: I know, but it's my one solo hit and I thought I'd take the opportunity to shine on my own.
Zeus: Is that how we're running the show tonight? Well then...
[The lights dim and Zeus launches into his famed single, "Puppy Love"]
Zeus: And they called it puppy love...Oh I guess they'll never know...how a young heart really feels...and just why I love her so...
Kukka: Great song, Zeus, but , sadly, we are all out of time!
Zeus: Kukka, it sure has been an amazing show tonight...hasn't it everyone?
[Audience breaks into thunderous applause]
Kukka: It sure has, Zeus! Not only did we wow them with our musical talent, we also made some people feel a bit uncomfortable because, due to the sexual tension between us, they don't fully understand if we are brother and sister or lovers...
[A smattering of awkward applause comes from the audience]
Zeus: That's right, Kukka! And I think that is part of our appeal. Now let's end this show properly with our traditional closing song!
Kukka: You betcha, Zeus! It wouldn't be a show without our tearful ballad, "May Tomorrow be a Perfect Day"
[Zeus and Kukka walk slowly to the front of the stage--because walking on only their hind legs is truly a challenge]
Zeus: May tomorrooooooow be a perfect daaaaay
Kukka: May you find love and laughter alooooong the waaaaaay
Zeus: May God keep yooooooou in His tender caaaaaaare
Kukka: 'Til He brings us together agaaaain.
Together: Goodnight, everybody!
[Zeus and Kukka exit the stage while waving and dancing, as the band swells into an upbeat number]