Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Zeus and Kukka Osmond?

It is a little-known fact that six months prior to the start of The Donny and Marie Show in 1975, Zeus and I were recruited to host our own variety hour. Unfortunately, because our show was broadcast in Meow, with English subtitles, it didn't do as well as Donny and Marie Osmond's efforts and was cancelled shortly after its spectacular launch. After a long battle in court over who owned the original idea of the variety show, we dropped our lawsuit, realizing Donny and Marie needed this vehicle to launch their careers, while we would be just fine--riding solely on our own talent.

In honor of the Wendy's Whimsies audition process, I have pulled out some vintage footage from the 1970's variety show, "Zeus and Kukka." Please enjoy the following transcript as you take a walk down memory lane...


[Curtains open and a purply-clad sensational singing duo emerge]

Kukka: I'm a little bit country
Zeus: I'm a little bit rock n roll
Kukka: I'm a little bit Memphis & Nashville
Zeus: With a little bit of Motown in my soul
Kukka: I don't know it's good or bad
Zeus: I know I love it so
Kukka: I'm a little bit country
Zeus: I'm a little bit rock n roll!

[Zeus and Kukka, teeth bared in over-enthusiastic grins, greet their audience]

Zeus: Hello, everyone and welcome to the Zeus and Kukka show!
Kukka: We've got an amazing show for you tonight, filled with cheesy, yet creative sketches and some catchy ditties you will be singing for the next two days as they permeate your brain and dominate your every thought!
Zeus: Kukka...do you really think brain infiltration is appropriate?
Kukka: Of course I do! And here's a song to prove it!

[Suddenly serious, Kukka begins singing her touching ballad, "Paper Roses"]

Kukka: Paper Roses...Paper Roses...Oh how real those roses seem to be. But they're only...imitation...like your imitation love for me.

Zeus: But, Kukka, that song has nothing to do with mind control.
Kukka: I know, but it's my one solo hit and I thought I'd take the opportunity to shine on my own.
Zeus: Is that how we're running the show tonight? Well then...

[The lights dim and Zeus launches into his famed single, "Puppy Love"]

Zeus: And they called it puppy love...Oh I guess they'll never know...how a young heart really feels...and just why I love her so...

Kukka: Great song, Zeus, but , sadly, we are all out of time!
Zeus: Kukka, it sure has been an amazing show tonight...hasn't it everyone?

[Audience breaks into thunderous applause]

Kukka: It sure has, Zeus! Not only did we wow them with our musical talent, we also made some people feel a bit uncomfortable because, due to the sexual tension between us, they don't fully understand if we are brother and sister or lovers...

[A smattering of awkward applause comes from the audience]

Zeus: That's right, Kukka! And I think that is part of our appeal. Now let's end this show properly with our traditional closing song!
Kukka: You betcha, Zeus! It wouldn't be a show without our tearful ballad, "May Tomorrow be a Perfect Day"

[Zeus and Kukka walk slowly to the front of the stage--because walking on only their hind legs is truly a challenge]

Zeus: May tomorrooooooow be a perfect daaaaay
Kukka: May you find love and laughter alooooong the waaaaaay
Zeus: May God keep yooooooou in His tender caaaaaaare
Kukka: 'Til He brings us together agaaaain.

Together: Goodnight, everybody!

[Zeus and Kukka exit the stage while waving and dancing, as the band swells into an upbeat number]

55 comments:

Mama Duck said...

ROTFL! The funniest cat we have ever met!

Pass The Torch said...

Hilarious!! I can't believe how many cats I've seen this morning. Was there a theme I didn't know about?

I'm glad Wendy sent you to my site! Glad you liked the new design;)

Patty said...

I just wish my cats were that talented. Their talent only runs in jumping at moths hunting gophers and sleeping. They sleep really well tho....

Kukka-Maria said...

We cats have a lot to say! I'm glad you humans are willing to listen!

Thanks for stopping by, folks! I am always a sucker for compliments!

Carmen said...

Did Zeus wear purple socks like Donny? :)

I'm glad you came to visit today. I'm going to have to make a Feline Peeps section. Can a cat be a peep?

MysteriousLady said...

LMAO Hilarious!

wendy sent me!

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh yes, Carmen. We can be peeps...and sometimes we insist upon it!

I just added a Non-Cat section yesterday. I need to put up some of these great blogs I've discovered via Wendy!

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, and Carmen...I think Zeus still wears purple socks!

He is sooooo 70's!

Zeus said...

There ain't nothing wrong with violet socks. How many times must I tell you they're not purple?

Mama Duck said...

Violet, purple.... all the same, ha ha ha! You know why I'm here... other than your hilarious blog entries, of course....

Kukka-Maria said...

Violet, schmiolet, Zeus!

It doesn't matter the color--why you insist that your lavender socks be fur-lined when you sport your own coat is beyond me.

Renee said...

*clapping frantically* Oh my what a good show! You two are terrific! I dont understand why those humans got your time slot.

Directed here by Wendy...I think. Or maybe it was just the smell of Zeus' Axe

The Meezers said...

i wish i was alive back then to see this on tv. mommy just ranned out of the room screaming - Miles

Happy0303 said...

LOL! I used to love that show! Thanks for bringing back some great memories!

As you know, Wendy sent me!

Gemini said...

Yes, Miles, my Momma about did the same thing.. I wonder why?

Bob-kat said...

Donny and Marie didn't have a patch on your show! Thanks for visiting my blog - always pleased when a new personality (especially as celebrity!) drops by :0)

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Kukka!! Is there no end to your fabulous talent? Teaming up with one of the guys from your Tomcat Stable is pure genius! Can we look forward to performances with your other favorite guys?

Mama Duck said...

You know tho, teaming up with your competitor for Wendy's thing might not be the best idea....

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh yes, Crew! I have vintage film of all my boys!

The footage of Squilliam is stellar! Perhaps I will post that tomorrow. I am sure he won't mind. He is a star!

Zeus said...

Fur-lined socks were all the rage back in that day. Besides, I liked the contrast between the imitation white fur and my sleek, ginger locks.

But if you're going to keep bringing up my socks, I'm going to have to tell everyone that you went through 12 bottles of hairspray every night to get your fur perfectly coiffed into that hideously, high-teased hairstyle. This of course led to your huffing habit which you still have to this day.

Yeah, I went there. Don't bring up my socks again!

Kukka-Maria said...

Oooh, Duck! You may be right!

Not only can it erode the impact of my own talent...

I secretly suspect he is trying to sedate me with the smell of his Axe shower gel so he can take over without a fight.

[Don't tell him I said that, though. I need to keep this on the down-low if I hope to obtain the evidence I need.]

Mama Duck said...

Truly, that stuff does make a duck woozy....

Kukka-Maria said...

ZEUS! How can you out me on my huffing?

[Tearfully]
You know I did my 30 days in rehab and my 90 days in the kennel (well, 1 day...with a suspended sentence) from my huffing and catnip bar fight! I paid my debt to society!

I don't know if I can separate these personal attacks from the phenomenon that is our road show.

I need to think on this a bit. Particularly, I need to decided whether or not to expose your grand theft auto and racketeering charges.

Mama Duck said...

Ah, well, a nice surprise from Technorati (yes, I've been here all morning but I'm still half-asleep and didn't scroll down that far) - thanks for adding me to your links! I badly need to update mine, my wordpress ATE all my links and so I'm trying to use blogrolling, now it's all in an expandable box and I'm not sure I like it that way....

Zeus said...

You wouldn't dare tell these people about that!

Narrows his eyes and stares at Kukka

Kukka-Maria said...

I don't know, Zeus. I am a little high from huffing this morning!

On a side note, it's tough to be mad at you when I look at that photo of you in your purple duds...

MysteriousLady said...

Y'all are cracking my up over at Wendy's! Hope y'all get stars!

Mama Duck said...

*snorts*

Kukka-Maria said...

Thanks so much, Mysterious Lady! We sure are having way too much fun!

And Duck...you snort? I guess that makes sense with your little nostrils on top of your bill.

I don't snort. I just snore--BUT I HAVE A DEVIATED SEPTUM!

Happy0303 said...

I just LOVE that tiara you're sporting. Can I borrow it when you're done? Fabulous!

Here via Wendy's (Whimsies, not Peter Pan's chick)

Carmen said...

I had the Donny & Marie dolls. Do they make Zeus and Kukka-marie dolls? Cuz I'd buy em!

Back from where else?

Kukka-Maria said...

Kailani, the tiara is all yours. (As long as you don't mind that I shed all over it)

Zeus said...

I can't believe she's actually going to share her tiara with you, Kailani, when she wouldn't even share the catering we got in our dressing rooms during the Zeus and Kukka Show. Perhaps she's growing up finally...

Kukka-Maria said...

Give me a break, Zeus. I'm going to slip her the Cubic Zirconia model.

I don't even let my agent touch my real bling!

Happy0303 said...

I don't mind a little cat hair. Thanks to my 2 cats, I'm covered in it constantly!

Zeus said...

I should have known you wouldn't share the bling. Maybe you could make up for it by sharing some of your blogiversary toys with Kailani?

Mama Duck said...

Ick, cat hair!! Ducky fluff all the way!!!

Otto K. said...

And let's face it, Donny and Marie have bigger teeth than you do. Maybe not as sharp, but certainly bigger.

Otto K. said...

Oh, oops. Here via Wendy.

Kukka-Maria said...

You're right, Zeus! Kailani, if you would like to peruse the luxurious gifts I received for my recent blogiversary, you may.

I can lend choice pieces to you, but I can not regift them. I adore the gifts and the gift-givers way too much!

Carmen said...

We should all be able to escape from past mistakes, even if it was kitty porn. ;)

Back from where else?

Zeus said...

Yeah, you better NOT regift the Ferrari I gave you!

You know who sent me!

Zeus said...

I just came by to make sure your tail wasn't too burnt by those sparklers. I hope you're ok!

Dave said...

Ark!

Zeus picked me off on Wendy's deal, but I came anyway

WOO HOO!

Kukka-Maria said...

I'm glad you did, Dave!

Mommy the Maid said...

That is so cute! I love it LOL

Passing through again ala Wendy.

Dorothy said...

I bet the downfall was because the ice skating got in the way...am I right? You just can't compete when THEY don't have to deal with the cathair ice texture issue.

You were robbed.

Thanks for stopping by.

Here via Wendy.

Kukka-Maria said...

Dorothy...I think you are right! Your sensitivity to the challenges we felines face is profound!

Thanks for your support (and for your visit)!

Anonymous said...

Kukka Maria,

You so crazy! I think I want to have your baby. I know that it's anatomically impossible, illegal, and immoral, but dammit, that's how you make me feel!!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

I think this is much more like the Sonny & Cher Show....LOL!!!

Is "Paper Roses" a Gillian Welch song??? (I can't remember exactly...)

Most wonderful my dear buddies...
Puuuurrr. (from SWEETIE)

FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

That was really cute. Had fun.
Thanks for dropping by.

Andy said...

How can the show be over???? Brach has yet to make his appearance as little brother Jimmy singing Disco!

PrincessMia said...

Awesome. I love that show, I was head of the fan club. *sigh* The memories.

WendyWings said...

That was some seriously funny and creative stuff. Well done. Sorry I am only just getting around to visiting you all now but my life has been busy and there seems to be a lot of cat fur floating around my blog which I need to clean up before I make that final announcment.

Carmen said...

Kukka, I'm surprised you weren't invited to be ON Divas Live. what were they thinking?!!!!! :)

Never been to the harley davidson cafe. Have to check that out.

I think you and Zeus might do well with your own show in Vegas. :)