Wednesday, September 13, 2006

22 Reasons Lindsay Lohan is No Longer Allowed to Cat-Sit for Us

Lindsay Lohan is a sucky cat-sitter! A few weeks ago, when my mom spent the weekend away, Lindsay spent time at our house, taking care of Brach and I. I use the term "taking care of" very loosely. Despite the fact Lindsay was eager to take the job (calling incessantly until my agent finally gave in), I think we would have been better off on our own.

Joining the growing list of people no longer allowed to cat-sit for us, Linsay Lohan has now been banned from our house.
  1. She lost her luggage and spent the weekend accusing Brach and I of thieving. She swore we stole a million dollars worth of jewelry and insisted on performing full-cavity searches. Admittedly, Brach sort of like it. I found it very invasive.
  2. At meal times, Lindsay was no where to be found. She consistently showed up late, excusing her tardiness by insisting she was dehydrated and no one would bring her water. Not cool...I've gots to have my chow! I had to release a public letter reprimanding her, calling her "immature" and "irresponsible." I'm sorry, but I just don't have time to publicly reprimand her.
  3. She left empty bottles of Cristal behind the couch, in the piano bench and in the toilet tank.
  4. The late-night prank phone calls to Paris Hilton.
  5. She was drunk 2.5 out of 2 days.
  6. She turned our living room into a night club--and would not let me into the VIP room!
  7. She cried when I called her "Fire Crotch." I thought it was a term of endearment!
  8. Despite the fact I kept shouting "NO ANIMAL TESTING," Lindsay insisted on lathering my entire body with Proactiv. Where I did not have zits before, I am now riddled with pimples!
  9. Due to her own rivalry with younger sister, Ali (who is set to release her first album later this year), she kept instigating family feuds between Brach and I. "He always wants to write on your blog, Kukka. Doesn't that just piss you off?"
  10. The late-night prank phone calls to Jessica Simpson.
  11. Those damn, red Kabballah strings tied on our tails, again! She and Britney have got to stop the evangelizing!
  12. Her crazy father showed up drunk and loud, threatening to beat up anyone who would stand still. The cops had to be called and now our neighbors have labeled us "White Trash." I'm not even white!
  13. She criticized everything I put into my mouth, saying I was too "fat," and that, like her, my body idol should be Nicole Richie.
  14. She got pissed when I received the call to replace her in her new movie "Georgia Rule."
  15. Former flame, Wilmer Valderrama, came over and got all "handsy" with me, telling me, "You know I like 'em young, Kukka-Baby!"
  16. She "accidentally" exposed one of her breasts...for a whole 13 minutes.
  17. The late-night prank phone calls to Hillary Duff.
  18. She gave me some questionable advice on my body: "Get implants and deny it Kukka. Britney and I have done it. All the cool kids are doing it!"
  19. Her drunken verbal diarrhea over all of her celebrity crushes: Brad Pitt, Ashton Kutcher, Jude Law, and Johnny Depp (all of whom I've dated...which totally set her off).
  20. The ear-splitting sounds of her purging after every meal.
  21. She kept trying to slather my face with foundation, arguing that covering my freckles is the only way to make it in Hollywood. What freckles?
  22. She has more paparazzi trailing her than me--and that is just unacceptable.


The Meezers said...

you should have pushed her in the litterbox! - Miles

Gemini said...

I'm glad she's no longer allowed to cat sit for you Kukka. That sounds bad. Perhaps you should just forgo having any celebs sit for you and get a professional...

Renee said...

The way she's going I don't think we'll have to worry about her for too much longer.
Perhaps you should come up with a list of questions for your agent to ask perspective cat-sitters to interview them to see if they are worthy of the job. You could post the questions here and we could interview for the job...then you would have a list of very good cat-sitters all set for your next cat-sitting needs.

Anonymous said...

Hey Kukka, did you notice that Brach has a lot more treats than you on Catster? What's up with that, Empress?

Zeus said...

Wouldn't the number one reason be that she decided to make a Herby movie? I think that right there should have been enough for your agent to say no.

Anyone who thinks a car talks to them is just psychotic. That's like thinking that cats and dogs talk and blog for goodness' sake.

Hmmm...Wait a minute...

Princess Ziporah said...

Um, Empress, did I miss your birthday? If i did I must apologize, I will send a belated gift as soon as I can sneak moms credit cart - hmm, the platinum MC has a nice high limit...

Chaotic Cat said...

Hiya Kukka
I am really glad you let us know this, Hummy will also ban Lindsay from our house!

Nice ta meetcha!

kailani said...

I don't know why but I've never really cared too much for her.

Nathalitanis said...

Don't you listen to her 'beauty advise'! You're way more beautiful than her!