For those of you who are familiar with "Gone to Plaid," my human friend Carmen's blog, you already know that yesterday she posted an invitation for me to join her in the next season of The Amazing Race--and just in the nick of time, as we started filming the next season last night! Team Carmukka was going on an adventure!
I was so excited to arrive at the local airport in West Michigan, even though my agent refused...REFUSED to allow me to ride outside my travel crate, causing me a whole world of embarrassment when I got out of the limo and met the squillion CBS cameras waiting for me there (not to mention the eleventy four paparazzi swarming about). Carmen was waiting there for me with her pink back-pack and signature hat; she was more than raring to go! My agent, fearing I would run off and get lost in the airport, allowed me out of my crate only if Carmen would put me in her back-pack for safe keeping. Seriously, woman! I have my pride!
After briefly meeting some of the other teams (yawn), we were almost immediately met with our first clue: "Make your way to the airport and fly to Virginia." Boy, were we pissed! Especially Carmen. First off, we were already at the airport, making this race boring to start. But to add insult to injury, Carmen had just gotten off a plane moments before that brought her from her home in Virginia! Not wanting to lose our drive within the first two minutes, we opted to see the martini glass as half-full (then shared it until it was empty).
Our fiercest competitors made themselves known to us right away. The man was somewhat attractive, but sported a confused and bewildered look on his face. The woman, assumed to be his wife, had glassy eyes and a saccharine smile. "Let's get these suckers," he yelled, following it up with what could only be described as a "hollar." Carmen and I took off for the ticket counter as fast as we could. The team we were now calling, "Texas Hold-Up," were hot on our tails. Well, my tail, since Carmen is human.
Upon arriving in Virginia, it was a race to exit the plane. Because I was caged and, technically, was considered a "special needs passenger," we were allowed to exit before Texas Hold-Up. That pissed them off. I suppose it didn't help that Carmen and I kept yelling, "Yee-Haw, Mother Effers!"
We found the flag at the airport in Virginia and opened our clue: A DETOUR! [Phil's voice-over: "A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Teams must successfully complete one of the tasks described on the clue in order to receive their next clue. In this Detour, teams must choose between KITTY and TITTY. In KITTY, teams must herd twenty four rabid kittens into a 12"x12" crate and deliver them to a veterinarian office, 3 miles away, by rickshaw. In TITTY, teams must milk 300 cows (some of whom are actually bulls) by hand and carry at least four gallons of milk to a farm, 1 mile away, on a unicycle."]
Carmen and I looked at one another and, instantaneously, shouted, "TITTY!" We both laughed hysterically because we knew we would be doing KITTY, we just loved shouting the word, "Titty." Plus, we thought it might distract the other teams who, by this time, were modeling their races after ours. The other teams scrambled to the cow pasture--but not Texas Hold-Up. They [believed they] were too savvy to fall for that ol' trick.
We headed off to the rabid kitten field. Texas Hold-Up, desperately wanting to keep us on their radar, followed closely behind.
I won't bore you with the details of our domination in the cat herding arena. I will just say this: Rabid or not, kittens speak "Meow." Uh...so do I. All I had to do was ask them politely to climb into the crate as a personal favor for me. Because they all recognized me as a celebrity, royal and world-renown blogger, they eagerly complied. Plus, Carmen tapped into my stash of reserve cat snacks and distributed them to the kittens. Blam. Easy.
Upon delivering the rabid kitten crate to the vet's office and grabbing our next clue, we glanced back at Texas Hold-Up. "Gawd damn it, Honey! Wrasslin' these cats into this crate is the hardest thing I've done in the last six years! I mean, HOLY HELL! Even my job don't stress me out like this here cat wrasslin'!"
Carmen and I giggled, while we opened our next clue: Travel to Fort Myer to receive your next clue.
Far ahead of everyone, we arrived at the military base and received our next clue: A ROADBLOCK! [Phil's voice-over: "A Roadblock is a task which only one team member may perform. In this ROADBLOCK, you must ask yourselves, WHO IS HORNY?"]
"Well, you know I'm always horny, Carmen," I calmly explained, while licking rabid kitten stank off of my fur.
"Come on, Kukka! Between the two of us, you think you're hornier?"
"You're right. Go to it, Carmen! You can do it! TEAM CARMUKKA! ME-YOWZA!"
Carmen opened the rest of the clue to learn she had to meet with a hot, sexy military man, while he taught her how to play the trumpet. Her task was to play reveille--one time--without error.
I think this was the only time Team Carmukka had some conflict. Carmen, a talented musician, already knew the basics of the trumpet. And, because of her highly successful burlesque show, in which she played reveille in the nude, I was sure this would be a simple task.
Uh...it wasn't. At least she made it seem as though it was challenging. Which set me off.
"Um...Mr. Hotty Bo-Body, can you wrap your strong arms around me and show me the fingering for this song?"
"CARMEN! BLOW THE DAMN TRUMPET! COME ON! THIS IS A RACE!"
"Oh, are you sure I'm getting this right, Sexy Soldier? I mean, my race partner is counting on me to do it correctly...and I'm counting on you and your rock-hard abs."
"ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS, CARMEN? HORNY WAS A PUN! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS BLOW THE HORN! BLOW THE MOTHER EFFING HORN, CARMEN!"
Seeing Texas Hold-Up arrive at the military base (amidst thunderous boos and hisses from the soldiers), Carmen snapped to attention and played reveille better than I had ever heard her play before (at least with clothes on).
We received our next clue: "Make your way, by taxi, three miles to the pit stop for this leg of the race, where Phil Keoghan will be waiting, in a loin cloth, to french kiss you."
Carmen and I looked at one another, eyes as big as saucers. "I'll race you there, cat! There is no way I'm letting you kiss him first!"
"Oh, it's on Carmen!"
We shared a cab, but that was the last thing we shared on that leg. The taxi had no sooner slowed to an idle when Carmen and I leapt from the car and began our sprint to the mat.
Carmen ran, blonde hair streaming behind her. "I...am...going...to...beat...you..." she puffed.
"You...and...what...army, Carmen?" I gasped, trotting as fast as my four little legs could carry me.
We met on the mat in front of Phil. He stood there, in his loin cloth, the sun glimmering off of his moist skin.
"Carmukka...you are the...FIRST team to arrive at the pit stop for this leg of the race."
Carmen hoisted me up in her arms as our tearful laughter joined the gusts of wind.
"As the winners of this leg of the race, you have won an evening of hot tubbing, champagne and naked Twister--WITH ME!"
I wish I could tell you what happened next, but Carmen and I both fainted dead away. I guess we'll all have to wait until it is aired on The Amazing Race: 11, next season.
I can tell you what happened to Texas Hold-Up! They were eliminated in that first leg of the race. Apparently, when they learned they were the last team, the man tried to throw his weight around, saying, "You can't eliminate me! I'm the most powerful man in the free world!" His wife, still glassy-eyed and seemingly dazed, just nodded in agreement. In fact, by that point, CBS was suspecting she was a robot and was pursuing their disqualification anyway.
"Crap. Now I have to go back to my job," he exclaimed, shuffling his feet in the dirt. "I don't want to go back to my job! No one likes me there! Can't I go wrassle some more kittens? I'm good at that!"
In the end, Team Carmukka dominated! Thanks, Carmen! I am honored you wanted to race with me!