“I hope she talks about the time when we got drunk and skinny-dipped in P Diddy’s pool. That was one of the best nights of my life!” exclaimed Mary-Kate Olsen. “Well, that…and the night I horked up my dinner and found I lost six whole pounds in one sitting. I mean, seriously! That was almost 10% of my entire body weight! Good times…”
Other celebrities were a little more concerned. “We swore we’d keep the details of our brief sexual relationship a secret. I hope she honors the sanctity of our affair,” confided a nervous Maury Povich. “If Connie ever found out, she would shit a brick! By the way, if you or anyone you know has unresolved paternity issues or is the parent of a morbidly obese two-year old, give my show a call. We would love to make a mockery of your situation...I mean, help you."
There have been countless demands for a tell-all book from The Empress and, until now, everyone assumed she would never agree to write one.
“Having begged her for years,” Peter W. Olson, CEO of Random House Publishing, explained, “I was shocked when I received the call from her agent telling me Kukka-Maria was now ready to talk.”
“I have no idea why she wants to write a book—nor why now. I rarely know why she does what she does,” explained her agent in a telephone interview. “Normally, her policy is to abstain from any activity or event that interferes with her napping and treat-eating schedule. Apparently, she has determined the few hours per day--that are not tied up with snacking and sleeping--are enough in which to write her autobiography. That, or she is planning to cut back on the napping and trea…no, that doesn't sound right. She just must be overestimating the amount of writing one can do in 2.61 hours of free time.”
Random House has released an excerpt from the empress’s first draft manuscript:
I had never seen Brad Pitt look as luscious as he did that night. The sweat glistened on his muscular shoulders as he tenderly, yet purposefully scooped the litter box.
“Kukka, my love, I have never seen such exquisite turds! Each one is more beautiful than the next and smells of such…such sweetness”’
“I crap gold nuggets, Brad. Gold nuggets and flower petals.”
Setting the litter scooper down, he slowly turned to me and licked his lips. “Kukka, you make my loins burn with passion. I must pet you. I must pet you now!”
He swiftly scooped me into his arms and began rubbing the back of my neck. He knew where my erogenous zones were and was prepared to assault every one. My body betrayed me as it instinctively responded to his touch. My tail swayed to and fro…mirroring the rapid rhythm of my heart. He carried me to the bed, laid me down and began gently petting my chin. My purring was labored and shallow. I had to tell him what he meant to me. I had to tell him now!
“Brad. You are a phenomenal litter scooper. And, for the most part, you are attractive. I want you to know, though, that our relationship can not live past the sunrise. You and I…we are different. You are a struggling actor who makes merely $20 million per film. I am a royal feline—a celebrity with an enormous fan-base and extreme popularity among both man and beast.”
“But, Kukka…” Brad whispered, a deep and passionate growl escaping his throat.
“But nothing, Brad," I murmured, gently rubbing my face against his. "Tomorrow, we can not be together. But tonight…tonight we will express our love fully as I lie here and let you pet me for the next few hours. Start with my ears and work back...and be careful not to pet my stomach for too long in one sitting. I hate that and will probably bite you. And not in the good way..."
My skin was ablaze as I raised my head to meet his waiting palms. Back and forth, his fingers flicked playfully at my ears and traveled up and down my arched spine. I rose to my four feet slowly, my eyes never leaving his gaze, and flopped onto my back. My belly begged for the steady stroking of his warm hands.
“Kukka…I have never felt like this for a woman before. Is it because you are a cat? Because you are 2 feet tall with four legs? Because you have more nipples than I can…”
I interrupted him, gently placing my paw against his lips. “It’s because I am more woman than you can handle, Brad Pitt. Now massage my belly while I unleash some hot and sexy flatulence on you!”
Based on this excerpt alone, critics have already predicted Kukka-Maria’s book will be a best-seller. “I think this scathing autobiography will be considered a must-read for book enthusiasts of all ages. I would not be surprised to see middle school children all over the country writing book reports on this instant classic,” offered Cordelia Lambert, book critic from The New York Times.
While an official release date has not been announced, it is speculated the book will hit store shelves sometime in the spring of 2007. Until then, the world will anxiously await with “labored and shallow” breath!