Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Dancing with the Empress

Many of you have asked why, with my history as a professional ballroom dancer, I was not asked to be part of ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." Shame on you for assuming I wasn't asked!

I got the call to join the show a few months ago. Harry Hamlin, who had already committed to the project, requested me as a partner. Despite our romantic past, his wife, Lisa Rinna, believed his only chance at winning the competition was to be paired with me. [Editor's note: The romantic past is with Harry Hamlin, not Lisa Rinna. No offense, Lisa, but Kukka is just not that attracted to you.]

We met for rehearsals a few days later. Harry kept saying (over and over), "Kukka, you dance like you have four left feet!" It was funny the first time, but hearing it every five minutes was just annoying. Contrary to his jokes, I glided across the wood floor with a grace unmatched by neither human nor beast. Despite the fact it had been awhile since I had put forth that much physical energy, I found myself in tip-top condition, often leaving a panting Harry in the dust.

The night came to tape the first show. Harry was riddled with anticipation--even throwing up thrice in the wings before we went on stage. "If you get barf on my fur," I threatened, "I am going to seriously kick your ass in front of the entire audience--studio and otherwise."

"HORK!" His vomitous response made me gag.

As we posed in the center of the dance floor, waiting for our music to begin, I noticed a speck of recycled foie gras on the front of my coat. Although furious, I calmly looked at Harry and hissed, "I'm not going to cause physical harm to you; I can't afford the assault and battery charge. Instead, I am going to ensure you lose this competition. LOSE!"

"What the..." he stammered.

Suddenly the music started and we launched into our routine. One and a two...lift and smile! We pranced across the dance floor, bringing applause to the audience's paws and tears to their eyes.

I knew the time had come to get my revenge. Without warning, during the hip-bump sequence, I threw myself on the floor and feigned sleep.


"Get up, you little bitch!" whispered Harry.

"SNOOOOOOORE!" My log sawing was growing louder than the music.

"Why are you doing this to me?" pleaded my pukey partner.

I glanced up at him, winked, and said, "It was this or spew a hairball on your shoe. I decided to go with ruining your dancing career."

When the song was done, the judges shared their opinions of our dancing display.

"I loved it!" exclaimed Len. "The best of the night!"

Carrie chimed in, "Exquisite! I have never seen anything like it! You are truly talented, Empress! And you didn't do too badly, Harry. I am surprised."

"You have set the bar high, Kukka-Maria. The creative belly displey you unleashed half-way through was truly inspired! Harry, your performance was tepid, at best," Bruno said. "And what is that dribble down the front of you?"

I was disappointed that my plan had backfired. "Shit!" I screamed. "Harry Hamlin, you will pay!"

Tom Bergeron immediately called for my disqualification, citing the profanity clause in my contract. Bastard. He's just pissed off that I boycotted his home video show because of his disrespectful portrayal of animals.

Before getting the boot completely, though, I was able to sing with Tony Orlando, sans Dawn. Or I think that's who he was. Whatever. He was an old dude.

He dedicated a tune to me called, "What's New, Pussycat," but when we got to the "Whoa, whoa, whoa" part, he was terribly off-key, so I stormed out.

Someone later told me the dude was Tom Jones. Tom who? Good luck getting your career off and running, Mr. Tom Jones (if that's even your real name). You'll need it!


Gemini said...

Oh you are obviously a real star when it comes to dancing Kukka. I would be mad if someone got something icky on my dress too.

The Meezers said...

4 left feet! BWWWAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAHAAA. I has 4 right feet. We would make a good dance pair. - Miles

Carmen said...

screw dancing with the stars, you should be on celebrity duets! Love the photo of you and Tom Jones.

Junior said...

Oh Kukka...I would like to dance with you. Could you teach me?

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

We must confess to living in the only household in America that has never watched that show. But, if we'd known you were dancing and singing, we would have tuned in. Sorry we missed you!

Chaotic Cat said...

Oh my heavens you are just the most amazing kitty in the whole wide world, you do such extreem things and wow you are sooo funny even if you dont mean to be.

Thank you for the smile.

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Tell George, Tipper, Max & Misty we've never watched it either...but if you're gonna guest on it regularily we gotta start! Yow!
(Now mom is singing that Pussycat song at us...thanks alot.)

Teena said...

Great strategy! That'll teach him!

DaisyMae Maus said...

Beware of Mario, Kukka ... My mom was his 12th grade English teacher and she told me that he's a good dancer.
Beware, beware!
DaisyMae Maus

Skeeeeezix the Cat said...

My Food Lady sed that ladeys used to throw thare panties at Tom Jones (whoever he is). It's probly good yoo ditched him, otherwise yoo mite have ended up with sum skanky wimmens panties on yer hed. GROSS!

PS: Yer a very good danser.

Candy Minx said...

Exciting! Love the show!

I am having an art gallery opneing over at my blog today. 13 paintings on display, hope you can pop over for a drink and a visit.


Zeus said...

Though Lisa Rinna tried to have Harry ride your coat-tails, you won out in the end. It's good to know you made Harry realize who the real star of the show was. You're also so lucky to have performed with Tom Jones. That must have been truly something!

Les Trois Chats said...

LOL - HAHAHAHAHA - Kukka, we love the singing pic - you really know how to belt a tune, we bet!