Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Diva vs. Divo

My agent is a traitor.

This week, my Uncle Cooper is visiting. Apparently, Gram and Grand-dude went on vacation and my agent volunteered to take on this incredibly grotesque mutt. This fact, by itself, isn't the issue. It's the fact he refuses to follow the code of our home.

First, it is understood that anyone visiting my domain is never--ever--allowed to make eye contact with me. It's a matter of respect. In fact, Brach lived with us for six months before I allowed him to look me in the eye. This bastard dog stares me down every chance he gets. From afar, he eyeballs me. Up close, he eyeballs me. I hiss in an attempt to address the issue, but it seems there is a language barrier, so his behavior doesn't change. My agent's answer to this blatant display of disrespect is to get the camera and snap away! "You know I have your back, Kukka." Whatever.

Secondly, there are places in the house that are just mine. Mine. The couch, the chairs, the floors, the bed, the kitchen (especially next to the refrigerator, where the treats are kept)--basically every square inch of the house. He doesn't seem to comprehend this, so he has spent much of his time sleeping on the couch next to my agent. WHILE SHE PETS HIM! The bitch encourages his behavior, which is further proof of her disloyalty.

That brings me to my third point: My agent's loving caresses are mine and mine alone! It's bad enough I occasionally have to share her paws with my brother, but a dog? And what is up with petting me immediately after petting Cooper (if that is his real name)? Your hands stink and have dirty dog residue that dulls my coat. I don't spend three hours a day grooming just to smell like a filthy dog. If you must pet him, the least you can do is use a little hand sanitizer before laying hands on me.

Fourthly (is that a word?), my snacks are my snacks. I realize that I am uncharacteristically leaving treats on the floor (when he disturbs my goodie gluttony), but that does not entitle him to eat my little nuggets of heaven! What is worse is that my agent doesn't seem to acknowledge his consumption of cat snacks and gives him treats of his own! I think I need to fire her.

Fifthly...oh yes, there is a fifthly! HE HAS BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED! You know the one--with the cat blanket on it, clearly marking it as a cat bed. I am going to have to have my agent launder that blanket thrice to get the stank and dog hair off of it!

Finally, my food and water have been displaced. Granted, my agent has made a feeble attempt at honoring me by creating a "panic room" in the spare bedroom, but why am I relegated to eating in there while my placemat in the kitchen houses bowls of dog food and dog-spit-water? I appreciate the fact she has propped the door open with door stops so that only cats can fit through (and not huge, canine half-wits), but I can't help but feel imprisoned.

My agent tells me he is nice and I should get to know him. Bullshit. I would rather lunch with the pesky paparazzi permanently camped outside our house! At least they admire and idolize me. "Good Boy" or not, that dog is just trying to antagonize me.

It's a good thing he wears what I refer to as: "The Stink Clink." His necklace is adorned with bling that jingles when he is on the move. When I hear The Stink Clink, it allows me to prepare for our inevitable stand-off by arching my back, fluffing my tail and getting my hisser ready.

For now, I'm just hanging out on top of the piano. Don't you dare think I'm scared! I am not! I am just tweaking my strategy on how to make this dog sorry he ever crossed my path.

Nobody messes with The Empress!

He is supposed to go home on Saturday. I am counting down the days!

16 comments:

Gemini said...

Oh Kukka, it was bad enough when the chihuahua was here. I can't imagine what it's like to have that much bigger dog around. People should understand that you don't put dogs in cat houses.

The Meezers said...

Kukka, you can come to my house and stay wif me - I will let you haf all of Sammy's spots - on the couch, on the bed and his food bowl. I will take care of you! - Miles

Petey said...

I feel your pain, Kukka. At least you don't hafta live with the 6 Chihuahuas(soon to be more in 2 months-but that is another story to be dealt with on my own blog) and 2 German Shepherds that I must tolerate on a daily basis.

brandywine said...

Dearest Kukka, Being a dog myself, I can feel for the "stranger in a strange land" that is Cooper. I'm sure he is a big sweetie. You could always displace B-rock from his panic room bed and be well out of reach. Brach could then tunnel under the covers and be well hidden.

Fat Eric said...

Oh, Kukka, I am so sorry to hear about the d-o-g. I once had to cohabit with one over Christmas and I lost weight with all the stress. However is Brach coping with this? What with his OCD he must be finding all the germs and dog drool very hard to live with! Is he in the panic room on a permanant basis??

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

IN YOUR BED! Now that's really crossing the line. Your entire domain is going to have to be sanitized after that intruder leaves. How dare he just make himself at home like that!

Renee said...

Oh you poor poor kitty. I would think with all your Squillions of dollars that you could afford to send this uncle to a kennel for the week...I'm guessing that you would rather spend your money on cat treats though.
Well toodles until Saturday when you come down off of the piano.

Kailani said...

OMG! You have a doggie roommate? What will your Agent think of next? I think that the next time The Beast walks past the piano, you should "accidentally" slip!

PrincessMia said...

All I can say is, welcome to my world!! You are much worse off than me, though, what with your houseguest being a dog and all. At least he's a guest. My new roomie is here to stay.

DaisyMae Maus said...

Kukka-Maria ...
We are feeling your pain! When our stupid cousin visits, he tromps all over our stuff, too. I think that it's a character flaw evident in all K-9s ... I guess that's why it's been said that "Cats rule and dogs drool". Hopefully your interloper's stay will be mercifully short before you have to whip up on him.
Keep the faith!
DaisyMae Maus

William said...

All I can say is I am so so glad my mom doesn't do things like inviting dogs to stay. In fact, my mom doesn't even know any dogs!

You'd be safe here. Brach can come too.

Zeus said...

I don't know, Kukka. Isn't this the main reason you have been packing on the pounds? I have noticed you're quite stockier than you had been.

I think you could take the Coopster. Go get him, precious poopster!

Carmen said...

Oh Kukka, I'm so sorry! that's TERRIBLE! He'll leave soon enough, and you can come down off the piano. :)

Fluffy said...

Well, I am an uncle too, but at least I am a CAT who is uncle to a CAT!

Eric and Flynn said...

Poor Kukka, we just can't imagine haffing a woofie in our house. The uvver day, one of mum's frends wiv a horsie brought her baby woofie wiv her, an Eric saw it in the car. He was bout free times bigger than the woofie, an then he fluffed up all his furr an he was five times bigger, an so the woofie wouldn't get out of the car.Maybe yoo could try that?

Gigolo Kitty said...

Kukka:
Can't you just seduce him? The GK seduces anything on 4 legs (and plenty on 2). A hot date is a hot date, he says.