Monday, September 18, 2006

Flip That Litter Box!

Discovery Home Channel Press Release:

With the rage of house-flipping burning across the nation, it should be no surprise that Discovery Home Channel and Kukka-Maria would combine creative forces to introduce what is sure to be the most exciting and challenging decorating show on television! "Flip That Litter Box" will take its viewers on a roller-coaster of sights, sounds and smells that no other show can!

"Flipping has become the rage in this country. While buying distressed properties, refurbishing them and placing them back on the market for extreme profit can be a risky investment," explained Discovery Home's Connie Scott, "we are glad to put our money behind Empress Kukka-Maria. It's not enough that everything she touches turns to gold...from what we've heard, she craps platinum turds with diamond baubles!"

"I can't wait to start! I've already purchased my first litter box. Right now, it's located in the spare bedroom of the home in which I currently live," the excited celebrity feline exclaimed. "It's a real [expletive]-hole! I mean a mother-[expletive], piece of [expletive]! You think I'm kidding, but I would rather eat a bowl full of piping hot [expletive] than [expletive] in a [expletive][expletive] like that! I mean, holy [expletive]!"

Asking Kukka's brother Brach, who was hanging his head across the room, what he thought of the current litter box, he mumbled, "I sure didn't stink it up by myself!"

"I think the term 'purchased' is being used improperly," explained Kukka-Maria's agent. "If by 'purchased,' she means I, as her agent, paid my hard-earned money for it, then it's accurate. If she thinks it is hers to renovate, I think we may have some trouble."

When asked about the budget and timeline for her flip, Kukka explained, "I am going to be challenged on my project timeline. Because of her irrational resistance to the whole project, I will have to do my work only when my agent is out of the house. With my extensive napping schedule, and the added constraint of my agent's schedule, it's going to be tough. The budget, though? That's the best part! With Discovery footing my bills, my budget is wide open."

Kukka cited the following list of "necessities" for her first flip project:
  • New litter box ($25.00)
  • Fresh litter ($15.00)
  • Rose petals to be spread across the litter surface ($50.00)
  • Imported Venetian plaster for the inside of the litter box hood ($5,899)
  • Glitter disco ball to be hung over the box for "ambience" ($79.95)
  • Autographed photos of Kukka-Maria to be displayed by the box, as well as gifted to fans who stop by to view the project progress--as well as distributed to the countless Discovery Home Channel crew members who are avid Kukkites ($4,792.99)
  • Daily manicures/pedicures for Kukka ($54.99)
  • Petty Cash for Miscellaneous Purchases ($10,000)

As for how the upgraded litter box looked when it was unveiled at the taping? You will just have to wait until the show's premiere episode! "Flip That Litter Box" is set to air this fall on the new Discovery Home Channel/Animal Planet hybrid: Discovery Animal Home Planet Channel.

Watch your local listings for dates and times.


Renee said...

Is this why you're too busy to do Amazing Race with Carmen?

I had no idea that you were in to remodeling...are you doing the work yourself or hiring a contractor?

Venetian plaster on the inside of the box? Won't that make it difficult to clean?

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, Renee...if by "doing the yourself," you mean "not," then YES.

I will be doing the work myself.

Gemini said...

Oh I liked the self cleaning box the best. We had to have photos of Cheysuli around it though.

Kukka-Maria said...

Yeah, Gemini. We once had the self-cleaning box. The only trouble was that everytime that little, plastic poop receptacle would open to invite another turd, it stunk worse than hand-scooping!

My mom got rid of it quick, calling it the worse investment she ever made (which, of course, was a smidge over-dramatic).

Now, she is our automatic litter scooper. Nice.

Les Trois Chats said...

Maybe me and William can put our spare change together and buy your remodeled litter box... in about a squillion years, maybe.

My sleeping box, on the other hand, has been personally remodeled by hand - or, er, by teeth - all by moi. All upgrades are labor-intensive only - no cash - which is good, because Mom wouldn't give me any cash (even when I begged sweetly for one of your autographed photos).

The Meezers said...

I remodeled our litter box this morning - and it gotted Mommy up at 3am screeching "what the (bleep) is that smell? Who the (bleep) was in the box?" - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

Moosey: First, allow me to say how great I feel in my lady parts when I see that you are blogging again. I know how stressful and frustrating it must be having your humans control your computer! I would love for you and Squilliam to buy a new litter box for me! A squillion years or not, it would be wonderful!

Miles: I am proud of your dumping abilities! They say the more foul a tomcat's stank, the more masculine he is. You must be one macho tom!

Chaotic Cat said...

o o o o Diamond Popped .... you godda see you godda seee .... ooooooo ohhhhhh happy dance happy dance Diamond popped ... she had kittens ooooooo i got a sister i got a sister!!!!!!!!!

litter box.... hu???? come see Diamond popped!!!!

Fat Eric said...

What exactly were the Miscellaneous Purchases that cost $10,000??? Diamond-encrusted litter scoop?

Kukka-Maria said...

Eric, I can only share a bit of what was purchased under the discretionary account (primarily because if Discovery Home Channel found out exactly what I purchased, they would probably invoice me to get their money back).

In addition to the jewel encrusted scoop (you know me so well), there may or may not have been Manolo Blahnik suede pumps (at least 2 pair) to protect my paws from the litter, some Creed Spring Flower fragrance to spray after "duties" have been performed, and 30+ pair of Dior over-sized sunglasses (so I don't have to actually see my deposits in the glamorous box). 30 pair to satisfy one month. An empress needs a fresh pair every day.

I hope this answers your question, Eric, while still keeping me out of the skeptical eye of the Discovery Channels shrewd accountant!

PrincessMia said...

ooooh, I can't wait to see it! It sounds fabulous, dahling, just fabulous.

Dorothy said...

I'm curious. Do you think that Frank or Hildi from Trading Spaces could give it a "you" look. I hear Hildi uses wine bottle labels and straw. Interested?

Kailani said...

I hope my felines don't get a whiff of this. I don't think I could afford it!

Kukka-Maria said...

SDorothy: Wine bottles sound long as I can help drain them. But, then again, it will just make my straw-covered litter box smell more. I guess Hildi is out.

Kailani: I am totally going to call your cats personally and tell them all about it. Keep in mind, Discovery Home pays for everything! You can TOTALLY afford it then!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Kukka, are you sure you've allowed enough for Petty Cash? I mean, those little odds & ends can add up! You should probably up it by another $10,000 just to be safe.


William said...

Kukka, I'm going to have to talk my mom into getting cable so I can see this! But you know? I think a tiny box isn't good enough for you. Me, I'd demand complete rights to the tub and start there!

Carmen said...

Ha! a disco ball. I think that would make the whole experience that much better. I might add one over the toilet. That would make the resale value of my house shoot straight up!