Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Is She Fertile or Just Fat?

US Weekly is reporting Kukka-Maria, exiled empress and celebrity feline blogger, is possibly pregnant. Based on recent paparazzi shots of the starlet and suspicions from friends and former love-interests, Kukka-Maria has been placed on US Weekly's "Bump Watch" so the world can closely monitor the growth or lack thereof in her baby-baking region.

"She has dodged our requests for interviews for several weeks," explained US Weekly Reporter, Karen Avery. "I've called her home repeatedly, even disguising my voice in an attempt to get The Empress on the telephone. She has been very evasive, further hinting to the pending birth of her litter."

Rolling her eyes and sighing, Kukka's manager and agent offered an insider's perspective. "This is complete crap," she insisted. "The cat eats too much. Whether hungry or not, she begs for treats all day long. She will even steal snacks from her brother! Furthermore," she continued, "Kukka-Maria was spayed when she was only a tiny kitten! If she is pregnant, I really would like someone to explain why I paid $200 for a surgery that still makes it possible for me to get another half-dozen little mouths to feed! Riddle me that, Mr. [expletive]ing Wizard!"

"Normally, when we receive a clear and adamant denial of a pregnancy suspicion, we think twice before publishing it," noted Lois Fuller, US Weekly Editor-in-Chief. "In this situation, despite the angry and...irrationally violent phone calls from Kukka's agent, we just could not ignore the growth in the waist of The Empress. I mean, if she's not pregnant, what could possibly explain how incredibly rotund she has become?"

It is reported that radical PETA and ASPCA members have waged a war in the media with Kukka-Maria. Citing paparazzi shots that depict the potentially pregnant princess indulging in exorbitant amounts of catnip, an online petition has been started, claiming Kukka is an unfit mother and that, upon their birth, the alleged kittens should immediately be removed from the home.

"There are no [expletive], mother-[expletive]ing kittens!" insists Kukka's agent. "Should I put her on a diet? Yes. Should I encourage her to get off her [expletive] every once in awhile instead of lying around all day? Abso[expletive]inglutely! I suggest, you crazy sons of [expletive]es, that you leave us alone and quit printing lies before I take you to court. This is just ridiculous!"

Have the tabloids gone too far this time? Perhaps.

"On a side note, however," Empress Kukka-Maria's agent continued, "If you want to catch up with the screwball shenanigans of a silly, little housecat, be sure to check out Kukka-Maria's blog! It's fun, frivolous and completely factual!"

Way to plug, lady. You are one great, mother-[expletive]ing agent!

14 comments:

Renee said...

The Media are idiots! How can we trust them for ANYTHING if they can't get it through their heads that Kukka-Maria has been spade...no kittens...not now, not ever.
Didn't they do the same thing to Princess Stephanie...everytime she gained weight.."oh, she's pregnant." And when she lost weight..."oh, she's anorexic." Maybe Kukka should loose a pound so they'll say she's anorexic.

Cheysuli said...

Kukka, you must get out of those stripes! If you were a solid color, say that lovely gray that goes so well with your eyes and white on your paws, no one would ever notice if you got a bit hefty. Heck you could have a dozen kittens in there and no one would know!

Carmen said...

when kukka and i go on our Amazing Race, that bump will disappear! We will be scaling walls for pete's sake!

This is why I only read the cover of tabloids, and only while I'm standing in line. And then, I just laugh.

The Meezers said...

Kukka, i dont' fink you're fat - you look just fine to me. and as for kittens, well, you shouldn't be able to have them after your ladygardenectomy, but if by some miracle, there are kittens, they can't be mine. Maybe they can, my mommy's mommy hadded a cat that hadded to have 2 hoo-ha-ectomy's. I didn't fink they grew back, but maybe they do. - Miles

Anonymous said...

Kukka - if you are preggers, you can come hide from the papparazzi at our house. If you don't mind lots of cuddles from sticky children, that is ;-).

Chaotic Cat said...

Me thinks they are just wanting something other than TomKat & Brangalie's babies to talk about ... of course Kukka would have much prettier babies but lets not go there ...

brandywine said...

Kukka can't be pregnant, that has been established. If for some reason she did want kittens, she'd have another female cat carry them...just like a lot of the celebs do. Then she would send them to boarding, finishing and prep schools. They'd see her on all feline related holidays, but mostly be raised by an nanny. Is there a rash of catnip addicted kittens being born? That should be looked into on "Dateline" or something

Zeus said...

Hmm...so with all of this newfound insight in mind, are you implying J-Lo is one fat heffer and is simply looking for an excuse to eat all the treats she wants because her food "don't cost a thang"?

I'm sensing a connection, and I can't quite put my paw on it...

Teena said...

I hear Angelina Jolie has the same bump? Rumour also?

William said...

Wait! You could sue them and be a squillionairess!

Maybe you have a kangaroo in you like Olivia does? (I know it couldn't possibly be true but Olivia made me ask.)

PrincessMia said...

OMG. Will the paparazzi ever leave you alone?? Ever? For shame. Let them speculate till the cows come home to roost, or something. pfft.

Renee said...

Kukka dear, I find it perfectly acceptable for a cat to run around totally naked at all times.

Kimo & Sabi said...

Darn rumors! We think you look HOT! Nice backside!

Come visit us and join the fun with our caption contest!

Candy Minx said...

Uh oh... I see lots of fur flying around your place...congratulations on your blessed news.

I noticed in People magazine this bump trend with Reese Withersppoon, she is skinny as anything, and there they say her little sweet tummy bump is new baby...

I bet you would make a great mommy catthough, why not see if you cana dopt a few babies, your human would love that...

my TT is up btw...

Very funny post!!!

Candy

http://gnosticminx.blogspot.com/2006/09/movies-in-chicago.html