US Weekly is reporting Kukka-Maria, exiled empress and celebrity feline blogger, is possibly pregnant. Based on recent paparazzi shots of the starlet and suspicions from friends and former love-interests, Kukka-Maria has been placed on US Weekly's "Bump Watch" so the world can closely monitor the growth or lack thereof in her baby-baking region.
"She has dodged our requests for interviews for several weeks," explained US Weekly Reporter, Karen Avery. "I've called her home repeatedly, even disguising my voice in an attempt to get The Empress on the telephone. She has been very evasive, further hinting to the pending birth of her litter."
Rolling her eyes and sighing, Kukka's manager and agent offered an insider's perspective. "This is complete crap," she insisted. "The cat eats too much. Whether hungry or not, she begs for treats all day long. She will even steal snacks from her brother! Furthermore," she continued, "Kukka-Maria was spayed when she was only a tiny kitten! If she is pregnant, I really would like someone to explain why I paid $200 for a surgery that still makes it possible for me to get another half-dozen little mouths to feed! Riddle me that, Mr. [expletive]ing Wizard!"
"Normally, when we receive a clear and adamant denial of a pregnancy suspicion, we think twice before publishing it," noted Lois Fuller, US Weekly Editor-in-Chief. "In this situation, despite the angry and...irrationally violent phone calls from Kukka's agent, we just could not ignore the growth in the waist of The Empress. I mean, if she's not pregnant, what could possibly explain how incredibly rotund she has become?"
It is reported that radical PETA and ASPCA members have waged a war in the media with Kukka-Maria. Citing paparazzi shots that depict the potentially pregnant princess indulging in exorbitant amounts of catnip, an online petition has been started, claiming Kukka is an unfit mother and that, upon their birth, the alleged kittens should immediately be removed from the home.
"There are no [expletive], mother-[expletive]ing kittens!" insists Kukka's agent. "Should I put her on a diet? Yes. Should I encourage her to get off her [expletive] every once in awhile instead of lying around all day? Abso[expletive]inglutely! I suggest, you crazy sons of [expletive]es, that you leave us alone and quit printing lies before I take you to court. This is just ridiculous!"
Have the tabloids gone too far this time? Perhaps.
"On a side note, however," Empress Kukka-Maria's agent continued, "If you want to catch up with the screwball shenanigans of a silly, little housecat, be sure to check out Kukka-Maria's blog! It's fun, frivolous and completely factual!"
Way to plug, lady. You are one great, mother-[expletive]ing agent!