The following are two separate accounts of a single event occurring Wednesday evening, September thirteenth in the year of our Lord, two thousand six. The first is offered by Cooper, Kukka-Maria's canine uncle. The second, from The Empress, herself.
Who is accurate? You be the judge.
I Was So Scared!
by Uncle Cooper
The sky was weary from pouring rain upon the earth for four days. While the night was clear, a tender mist hung heavy in the air. Despite the moon's resplendent glimmer, I had requested the porch light be lit as I roamed the yard in search of an acceptable spot on which to relieve myself.
I had no sooner emptied my bursting bladder, when Kukka's agent opened the door and beckoned to me. As is typical, yet not malicious, I ignored her calls. I still wished to explore the yard, monitoring it for trespassers--in the form of squirrels, chipmunks and rabbits.
I found myself sniffing along the fence in the hindermost part of the yard, when I was jarred from my predatory adventure by shrieks of "Crap, Kukka! Oh, shit! I can't believe...COME BACK HERE!"
Sensing danger, I immediately sprinted to the patio to assess the apparent drama.
What I found haunts me to this very moment. Upon seeing the unobstructed door, Kukka-Maria had darted through to obtain what she believed was her rightful freedom. What she found upon escaping was more chaos than she could ever imagine. Wanting to please her agent, I launched into action, engaging Kukka in what can only be described as a fierce and frantic chase.
To and fro. Back and forth. We ran around the yard. I eagerly pursued my niece in an attempt to protect her, while she dodged my every lunge, fearing I wanted to eat her.
Eat her? I love her!
She dodged under the square, wood table whose surface looms roughly 21 inches above the patio, making it an ideal place to hide. I stuck my nose beneath the surface and, with a loud and stern voice, tried to convince her to surrender. Her agent, taking her cue from me, lifted the table and watched as Kukka scampered away to the other end of the yard.
She was ruthless! This scene repeated itself thrice and it was clear her agent and I were the only ones growing dog-tired from this game.
Finally, the quest reached its climax and I, from one side of the table, and her agent, from the other, trapped the vicious empress.
"HISS! HISS!" I had never heard hissing as loud and menacing as this. In fact, the memories of her angry words assault my heart and mind even now, as I recount the horrifying experience! She savagely hissed at me, causing me to wisely retreat. As her agent reached toward her, she even hissed at her!
The very woman who caters to her every need!
"You take that back!" her agent forcefully hissed, using the lowest and most threatening version of her voice. "You take that back, you ungrateful little bitch!"
Despite my appreciation for her anger and frustration, I was reeling from the foul and hurtful words escaping my human sister's mouth. Staggering from the profanity, I briefly considered tattling to my parents about their daughter's impure vernacular--especially since all I ever hear from Mom and Dad is, "Why can't you be more like your human sister?"
Realizing now was not the time to worry about curse words, I eagerly jumped back and forth in anticipation of how this drama would end.
Kukka's agent swiftly lunged toward The Empress and grabbed the back of her neck, dragging her from beneath the table. "Bad, Kukka! You are a naughty, sinister, diabolical, evil and wicked little cat!" Reinforcing her anger, she swatted the remorseless Kukka on the hindquarters as she walked toward the house. "Swat! Swat!" The smacks echoed into the night as if they were yelling, "Bad! Kitty!"
Exhausted from the ordeal and relieved my niece was now safe and sound in the house, I trotted out into the yard to alleviate my bowels from the burden of resurrected dog kibble.
It's the Effing Back Yard, Idiots--Not a Crack House, for Crying Out Loud!
by Empress Kukka-Maria
I got out.
I deserved the opportunity.
They all freaked out and chased me.
I was all, "Bitch better step off!"
She was all, "You are so in trouble, little missy!"
He was all, "Drool, drool, bark, bark...I'm a really cool dog!"
She finally got me, but not without a fight.
I still got treats later in the night, so who really won?