1. Dogs are dumb. While I think we can all agree there are some really stupid cats out there, as a rule, dogs are complete idiots. I mean, what is life if you can't do long division?
2. Dogs crave attention from their humans. Have some dignity, canines! When your human says "Jump," you say, "How high?" When your humans say, "Crap," you say "What color?" Cats believe it's the other way around.
3. Dogs beg for food and treats. Wait. I sort of do that too, when it comes to snacks. Next!
4. Dogs drool. I think that is why they are always seen with those stupid bandanas around their necks--to catch the dripping saliva. Gross!
5. Dogs love water. No drinking it from the bowl or dripping from the faucet--like I enjoy. They like running through it, swimming in it, drinking rain puddles, etc. All I know is that, if I were to do this, my fur would frizz up and I would be featured in the "What the Hell is Wrong with Her Hair?" section in US Weekly. Also, I think this is why dogs' fur has that rank smell!
6. Dogs' fur has a foul smell. It's no coincidence you often hear a human exclaim to their canine companion, "UGH! You smell like dog!" The fact that "smelling like dog" is naturally associated with stank, it's not a good thing.
7. Dogs love car rides. Um...the only time I ride in a car is when I'm going to the vet! Why am I going to rush to the car to load up when that is my destination? Yes, a lot of the time, dogs get to go on joy rides, but there is still a chance they will end up at the vet. Do the math, dogs! Are you really willing to gamble with those odds? Wait. You're dumb and can not do math. Nevermind.
8. Dogs' tongues find their way into some questionable regions. I know I have been photographed cleaning my nether-regions, but I am not about to stick my nose in my buddy's butt! You disgust me, dogs!
9. Dogs lick their humans' faces after their tongues find their way into some questionable regions. And yet humans call them "Man's Best Friend." Maybe humans are the dumb ones!
10. Dogs fetch things. How demeaning. You might as well have your human make you a "chore chart!" At least then you may have a chance at earning an allowance!
11. Dogs are whores who engage in indiscriminate humping. Legs, friends, friends' legs, boy butts, girl butts, kids crawling on the livingroom floor, blankets being dragged, stuffed animals...do I really need to go on? They are hell-bent on humping anything that will stand still enough for them to mount. What tramps...
12. Dogs cock their heads when you talk to them. I think humans believe dogs understand them better when they do that. But then again, humans think the same thing when their own peers nod their heads during conversations. "Uh-huh...yep. I get it." All it means is that they don't understand a word you are saying, so they tilt their heads to get a better look at the booger hanging from your nose.
13. Dogs will never tell you about the booger hanging from your nose. "Man's Best Friend?" The last time I checked, my best friends are the first to tell me when I have a caveman peeking out of the cave. Humans, take note: I think they are purposefully allowing you to walk around town with an exposed boog so that people will laugh at you. And yet, you'll go hoarse telling them, "Good boy! Who's the good boy? Who's my good dog?" Gag.
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