Thursday, September 14, 2006

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #4

Thirteen Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not a Dog

1. Dogs are dumb. While I think we can all agree there are some really stupid cats out there, as a rule, dogs are complete idiots. I mean, what is life if you can't do long division?

2. Dogs crave attention from their humans. Have some dignity, canines! When your human says "Jump," you say, "How high?" When your humans say, "Crap," you say "What color?" Cats believe it's the other way around.

3. Dogs beg for food and treats. Wait. I sort of do that too, when it comes to snacks. Next!

4. Dogs drool. I think that is why they are always seen with those stupid bandanas around their necks--to catch the dripping saliva. Gross!

5. Dogs love water. No drinking it from the bowl or dripping from the faucet--like I enjoy. They like running through it, swimming in it, drinking rain puddles, etc. All I know is that, if I were to do this, my fur would frizz up and I would be featured in the "What the Hell is Wrong with Her Hair?" section in US Weekly. Also, I think this is why dogs' fur has that rank smell!

6. Dogs' fur has a foul smell. It's no coincidence you often hear a human exclaim to their canine companion, "UGH! You smell like dog!" The fact that "smelling like dog" is naturally associated with stank, it's not a good thing.

7. Dogs love car rides. Um...the only time I ride in a car is when I'm going to the vet! Why am I going to rush to the car to load up when that is my destination? Yes, a lot of the time, dogs get to go on joy rides, but there is still a chance they will end up at the vet. Do the math, dogs! Are you really willing to gamble with those odds? Wait. You're dumb and can not do math. Nevermind.

8. Dogs' tongues find their way into some questionable regions. I know I have been photographed cleaning my nether-regions, but I am not about to stick my nose in my buddy's butt! You disgust me, dogs!

9. Dogs lick their humans' faces after their tongues find their way into some questionable regions. And yet humans call them "Man's Best Friend." Maybe humans are the dumb ones!

10. Dogs fetch things. How demeaning. You might as well have your human make you a "chore chart!" At least then you may have a chance at earning an allowance!

11. Dogs are whores who engage in indiscriminate humping. Legs, friends, friends' legs, boy butts, girl butts, kids crawling on the livingroom floor, blankets being dragged, stuffed I really need to go on? They are hell-bent on humping anything that will stand still enough for them to mount. What tramps...

12. Dogs cock their heads when you talk to them. I think humans believe dogs understand them better when they do that. But then again, humans think the same thing when their own peers nod their heads during conversations. "Uh-huh...yep. I get it." All it means is that they don't understand a word you are saying, so they tilt their heads to get a better look at the booger hanging from your nose.

13. Dogs will never tell you about the booger hanging from your nose. "Man's Best Friend?" The last time I checked, my best friends are the first to tell me when I have a caveman peeking out of the cave. Humans, take note: I think they are purposefully allowing you to walk around town with an exposed boog so that people will laugh at you. And yet, you'll go hoarse telling them, "Good boy! Who's the good boy? Who's my good dog?" Gag.

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Carmen said...

i can testify that cats do not like car rides. :) I have to take my Pooh Bear to the vet, and he's been hiding since I grumbled it this morning cleaning up a mess he left me in my gym bag.

Kukka, why don't cats get sick in places where it's easy to clean up? The bathroom floor, for example. It's a mystery I'd really like to uncover.

Kukka-Maria said...

Ah, dear Carmen. Where is the challenge in that? Since your lives completely revolve around us, if we didn't give you a challenge, what would you get up for in the morning?

Silly girl...

The Meezers said...

oh man. I fink I'm gonna get kicked out of the stud stable. I do some woofie type fings, but honestly, Kukka, I didn't know they was woofie type fings. I play fetch wif Mommy sometimes, and I don't tell her when she has boogies hanging out of her nose, and sometimes I sniff Sammy's butt, then try and kiss Mommy (but that's 'acuase it's funny to do that). ::hangs head in shame::

Cheysuli said...

Yes, I too am glad I am not a dog. After all, who would vote for a dog in an election?

Kukka-Maria said...

Miles, your adorable face makes up for your behavior. I can't imagine my Tomcat Stable without you!

Zeus said...

I feel very torn at the moment since I have some terrific canine friends who I keep in touch with, but I have always wondered about some of these points you have mentioned.

Have you ever considered these are merely cultural differences between felines and canines? Perhaps indiscriminate humping is just how mating works within the canine clan. Perhaps it's acceptable to have foul odors since, within canine culture, the odor is not considered to be so foul. Maybe drooling is thought to be a sign of high intelligence in a dog.

Just trying to show you the other side of the coin, Kukka.

Kukka-Maria said...

True dat, Chey! Imagine having to wear bandanas at the insistence of a dog president!

Kukka-Maria said...

Maybe you are a dog in disguise, Zeus?

I may need to have Brach investigate.

The Meezers said...

Fank you for not kicking me out Kukka. I will try and werk on my behavior. Oh, but Sammy does drool - only when he's really purry and happy though. - Miles

Renee said...

1)Yes, some dogs are really dumb...but they are funny to watch being dumb. I think their owners get a kick out of how dumb dogs can be. And that brings up another point... people own dogs. Cats can't be owned, humans are cat slaves.
I used to say that my previous dog was dumber than dirt...and it was funny. Lilly is much smarter. You can do tests to see how smart your dog is and Lilly is like Mensa smart for dogs.
2)Yes they do crave attention. We like to tease Lilly by making her wait for attention. More sick human fun.
3)don't we all beg for treats?
4)not all dogs are drooly. Lilly's bandana is just because it makes her look drool. Not even shen she snores.
5)not all dogs again. Lilly hates to get her feet wet.
6)the foul dog smell comes from their foul breath. they don't have cool brushy tongues...bad genetics.
7)Yeah, the car ride thing is silly. 85% of the time Lilly is going to the V-E-T or the groomer, both of which she hates. But sometimes she is going camping or to Grandma's house which is fun. I think it's a very bad short term memory problem.
8 & 9) yeah, we don't allow face licking and I get grossed out when she licks my feet too! BLECH!
10)more amusing the humans with the fetching. Lilly only fetches her toys though. I've tried to get her to go get the paper and she just doesn't get it.
11)the humping is a show of dominance thing. If a dog knows that their place in the pack is the omega they don't hump. But dogs who are confused or think they are alpha they's a poor human/dog communication problem.
12)more human fun. Probably why we keep them around.
13)maybe a dog licking your face is their attempt to tell you about the booger? They're trying to get it out for you.

Sadie said...

Very nice list Kukka! I will think about these things when I go home to my dogs tonight.

Sadie (Merlin's Mom)

Merlin said...

See, Mom, I told you. Dogs are stupid. They eat my toys. They swat me with their tails. Who needs 'em! I should be an only pet.

Aloysius said...


You are so perceptive. Of course, cats are much better than dogs!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Kukka, I couldn't have said it better myself! I can't stand dogs...they irritate me to no end...yet my mother allows B's dogs to come to MY HOUSE and bother me in all their disgusting ways. Do I go to their house and bother them? No. Why can't I receive the same consideration!


Pam said...

Thanks for the laugh, Kukka! I needed it today. #11 had me laughing out loud!!

K T Cat said...

Dogs are horrid, brutish things. Great list.

Candy Minx said...

I can certainly understand your side of the must really suffer even knowing dogs exist. i feel very bad for you...and you make me miss living with such an incredible sensitive creature as your self!

My TT list directly influences animal life on earth, tell your slave to come and see me!



kailani said...

And what's up with dogs sniffing human crotchs? Yuck!

Dorothy said...

You posted a picture resembling my wonderbeagle. Kukka, not the best embassador. But I'll still put out some fresh tuna for you. Here Kitty, Kitty.

PinkJeweledCat said...

My dear Kukka! Oh how I adore your TT's. Hey! I didn't say titties! Don't look at me that way. I'm not into kitties in that way. As always, you've given me a laugh and something to smile about on a really rainy day, which also happens to be the first day the movers showed up to start packing up our stuff for the move. Ta for now dahling!

WendyWings said...

Dogs annoy me, my cats basically just let me live here, the dog tries to annoy me so much that I think he might want me to move out.

William said...

I'm glad we're both cats, Kukka!

Geekwif said...

Great list and so very true! I have cats and a dog living in my house so I get to see both sides of the picture simultaneously. You kitties are definitely the smarter and cleaner of the two species. No doubt about it.

Blond Girl said...

I'm howling! Love your list. I just moved to IL where my hubby's family are all dog people and I'm a cat person. They really don't get me. I should make them all read this list!

The Mitz said...

Wow, you hit the nail on the head. Canines, not even close to us, in any way.....looks, intelligence, personality. And they can be 'bought up' so easily, suckers for such mundane treats as ice cream cones etc...give ME A BREAK!!! Wonderful post, bring it on....

Headbonks, The Mitz

Danielle said...

But cats beg much more elegantly than dogs!

I've owned more dogs than cats--sorry, I'm a bit allergic. I have to agree, dogs are dumb...they remind me of men