my Agent Thinks I Know
(Clearly, she doesn't read my blog)
1. NO! This is her favorite. Sometimes, I think she says this over and over because she likes the sound of her own voice! "NO, Kukka!" "Kukka, NO!" When she does this, I will stop doing whatever it is I am doing and look at her, causing her think she has blocked my actions. Then, after about 2.5 seconds, I begin again. Making it a little game is the least I can do to enhance her otherwise boring life.
2. Kukka or Kukka-Maria. Despite the fact she often misuses it by coupling it with "NO," "STOP," and "You evil little cat," I find this word to be music to my ears. I have to admit, though (and I will totally deny ever saying this if you breathe a word of it to anyone), when she pairs it with phrases like, "My beautiful, beautiful, precious baby" and "Who's my baby girl...who's my little pumpkin," I melt.
3. Do you want treats? Um...yeah! Every minute of every day! The only thing that made learning this phrase difficult was to try and hear it over all of my crunching.
4. What's that?! Most of the time, this is loudly whispered phrase, used as a trick. A car door (at the neighbors' house) will slam and she will say, "What's that," causing me to run to the door or window. Bitch.
5. Do you want some lovin'? This one is tricky. Most of the time, she means petting and loving from her. I still maintain that one of these days she is going to present me with a hot, hard-bodied stud that will do the job for her. A cat can dream (as she falls asleep while being petted and loved by her agent).
6. We do not bite our feline brothers in this house, young lady! The "you" part of "we" may not, but the "me" part of "we" is all over that shit! (These, of course, are "finger quotes.")
7. Kukka, I'm trying to sleep...please let me sleep! This phrase is typically muttered at 3:00 am, while I am __________________ (fill in the blank with one or more of the following: Knocking things off the nightstand, Knocking things off the dresser, Flicking at the blinds, Plucking at the carpet, Walking on her head, Whining for treats, Rubbing my face on the silk lampshade, Licking said lampshade, Leaping onto the corner cabinet which makes the glass candle holder quake as if it will come toppling down, etc.). Isn't she sweet for thinking she deserves sleep?
8. Knock it off! This follows #7 after about 5 minutes of my antics.
9. For crying out loud! Mother-Effing STOP! Like clockwork, this little beauty comes barreling out of her mouth immediately following #8. I love it when she whispers sweet nothings in my ear...
10. Brad Pitt called for you today. This is usually followed by a yawn from me, a quick roll of the eyes and a sigh. Yes, mother, he always calls for me. Tell him I'm "unavailable" until he stops insisting I change my name to Kukka-Maria-Jolie-Pitt, thankyouverymuch.
11. Magoo. This is short of Kukka-Magooka. I am not proud of this. I am horrified I am choosing to share this with you. When she refers to me by this idiotic moniker, I only come running to make her feel good (and because, 42% of the time, there are treats involved).
12. You are NOT going outside! How many times must we cover this? With all due respect, woman, we will cover this one eleventy-four times per day until you finally realize you are unjustly containing me in a prison-like domicile that only offers me a bottomless bowl of food, treats on demand, loving strokes on my chin and a litter box scooped daily. FREE KUKKA! FREE KUKKA!
13. I know you insist on "hunting" insects that somehow get into the house--and I thank you for that, but must you leave dismembered cricket carcasses scattered on the floor? Yes, ma'am. Yes I must.
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