Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Blogging Empress and Media Mogul Friends Again?

Associated Press (AP): The long-time feud between Empress Kukka-Maria and Oprah Winfrey seems to be a thing of the past. The power-pair were spotted, on Saturday, sharing what appeared to be a reconciliation meal. Dining on liver pâté, hairball-prevention cat treats and puddles of milk at the bottom of cereal bowls (an Empress favorite) the two were inconspicuously seated in the dark corner of Chicago's posh "Pussy Palace," a former strip club turned fine dining establishment.

Said one curious patron, "I watched them for a full twenty minutes. Seriously! I never took my eyes off of them! They were talking, giggling and impolitely chatting on their cell phones to other friends. I tried to read their lips, but could only make out: 'Who is that weird woman staring at us?' I wondered, too, because when I looked around, I saw no one! As celebrities, their stalker-senses must be more heightened than mine."

The notorious feud that has captured our attention for the last year has been a thing of mystery. At one point, Kukka wrote about her experience at Oprah's Legends Ball which, some believed, was the beginning of the end for the famous friends. Then, in a mystifying move, Kukka granted Oprah the exclusive interview to explain her absence at the Oscar's in March. The world was baffled and some believed the feud to be settled at the time of that appearance.

They were wrong.

In an interview with Larry King, shortly after her appearance on Oprah, Kukka-Maria made some scathing comments about the legendary talk-show hostess and announced Oprah had been added to her "Litter List." Larry King was curious, but cautious.

"I wasn't about to ask about the Litter List, nor why Ms. Winfrey had been added. I believed if I interfered too much, I might be added to the list and my career would be in jeopardy," Larry King confessed in a telephone interview. "Never underestimate the power Empress Kukka-Maria wields in the entertainment industry! I've seen people black-balled in Hollywood simply because they gave her, what she refers to as 'The Ol' Stink Eye.' While I am proud of my reputation as a notable interviewer, I have a family to feed and a mortgage to pay. I couldn't bring myself to pry further."

Many speculate the contention between the two strong women stemmed from their jealousy of one another. Oprah's rags-to-riches story has captivated America and helped her become one of the most admired television moguls in the industry. Kukka-Maria's beauty, talent and super-sexiness is admired by many and coveted by all. It stands to reason when you combine two explosive ingredients into one mixture, something incredible is bound to happen--good or bad.

"I'm just glad their ridiculous fight is over," said Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie in a joint statement. "Like, being mad at one anther and encouraging the tabloid press to wonder what the real story is for, like, a year or more is really selfish and mean. I mean, like, there are more important things going on in the world right now...Brad and Angelina's relationship and family, Tom and Katie's baby, and the stellar fall television premieres!"

No matter the reason for the super-star standoff, today the world breathes a collective sigh of relief that balance and harmony has been restored. While the feud is over, Kukka is cautious.

"Who knows if our friendship really has staying power? That bitch Oprah has screwed me before and, while I am willing to forgive, I will never forget. I am still going to sell "Team Kukka" products in my store to make sure my minions send a clear message to Oprah: 'We are loyal and our commitment to supporting The Empress is unwavering.' Suck on that, Oprah!" exclaimed Kukka-Maria in a press conference on Monday. "Having said that, I am very glad we have buried the hatchet and recommitted ourselves to our friendship."

We are glad, too.

8 comments:

Carmen said...

Kukka, first, may I say that the milk at the bottom of cereal bowls is like nectar. :)

And Im wondering if your reconciliation had anything to do with the fascinating "poop" episode that aired yesterday? ;) (this is what working from home does to your brain)

Kukka-Maria said...

She did a show on POOP? That dirty, filthy whore! I talked, at length, about poop with her on Saturday.

She stole my idea! If it weren't for the press release and the pressure that goes along with it to keep things civil, I will call off our friendship immediately.

I suppose I should keep a smiling face for awhile, though...right?

Gemini said...

That's awful that you have just reconciled and she is already stealing ideas. I wouldn't trust Oprah at all, Kukka!

The Meezers said...

we agree, don't trust her - she's running out of her own ideas and has to steal yours. that's just wrong. - miles

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Consider this, Empress: Why she didn't invite you to join her and Gal Pal/Gayle on their cross country trip? Maybe this isn't truly a reconciliation, but just an excuse for her to, once again, cash in on your talent, beauty, etc. etc. etc.

Zeus said...

I still haven't heard back from Oprah regarding my research into finding my spirit. I really wish she would answer me, but I suspect she has been super busy kissing your furry butt.

Tell me though: While she was doing all of that butt-kissing, did she find your spirit, Kukka?

kailani said...

I think Gayle had better move over. Looks like Oprah has a new best friend!

amy said...

That was an entertaining entry and a great blog..That was funny...Not as funny as the picture of horse poop my hubby took on our trip last week but very funny indeed