Tuesday, October 03, 2006

"Dear Kukka...", Volume XIII

It's the fightin' thirteenth edition of "Dear Kukka!" Can you feel the excitement in the air? There is an undeniable electricity flowing through the cosmos and the collective heart of the entire animal kingdom is a-flutter with anticipation (by the way, that animal kingdom includes you, elitist humans...).

I have to admit, folks, reading and answering the squillions of letters I receive each month is taking its toll on me. It's becoming a real strain to hear Brach complain about strained eyes and paper cuts as he sifts through my mail. And my agent/manager/publicist rubs her back and whines as she hoists the mailbags into the house each day. What do I pay them for, if not to do some healthy manual labor?

What? I don't pay them? Nevermind...let's get on to the mail!

Q: With all of the hype on the alleged ban on skinny models, Kukka-Maria, what does this mean for you and the rest of the feline super-models?
A: First off, thank you for acknowledging my super-successful modeling career. While many people are aware of my acting, singing, dancing and blogging talents, they somehow seem to forget or disregard my amazing gift for walking in a straight line, posing, smiling and holding very still for photo shoots. Tough stuff! Secondly, I have to question your reference to the rest of the feline super-models. I'm not sure I know what you're...what other feline super-models? I'm sure it was a simple mistake that you tried to lump other cat models in my category. There are some very moderately sexy cats out there, but my SUPER sexiness puts me into a completely separate realm. If you need further proof of this, I have created some brochures on the subject I can send to you. OK. Let's get to your question. To demonstrate my commitment to the rubenesque models of the world, I have always made it a point not just to indulge in treats and food that are given to me, but to beg for more. I feel it is the least I can do. I love my curves. I love the way my floppy belly sways to and fro as I prance down the catwalk. These cats...the ones with their ribs showing, no flabby skin and hip bones exposed--they nauseate me. And, like most people, when I get nauseous, I have to eat some treats. Will you excuse me for a moment, please?

Q: Recently, Lindsay Lohan has had some issues with her mother. Empress, have you ever had mama-drama with your agent/manager/publicist--who also happens to be your mother?
A: No. My agent knows her place and understands that she is in my employ. On the rare occasion when she lips off to me [Editor's note: Addresses a behavioral issue], I make it clear to her that I'm her ticket to fame and fortune. I ask her if she is enjoying the spoils of my labor and she quickly shuts her yapper. [Editor's note: Puh-leeeeease! The spoils of her labor roughly translate to me spending my hard-earned money on food, treats, litter and toys for her. In fact, as I've stood in the store--food in one hand and litter in the other, I've often wondered why I couldn't just buy litter with turds already in it, so I could cut out the middle-man. Spoils...whatever.]

Q: Kukka, George Clooney has expressed he intends to be a serial dater. In a recent interview, he said, "I want to spend every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress. You know, Halle Berry one night, Salma Hayek the next, and then walk on the beach holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio." I can't help but notice he didn't mention you. Are you hurt?
A: Hurt? No. In fact, I am relieved he has finally decided to honor the restraining order I have had against him for the last two years. We shared an incredibly intense relationship at one time. He would pet me lovingly. I taught him how to capitalize on those bedroom eyes. He would give me treats. I helped him perfect that tight-lipped, smug grin. It was a wonderful and rich experience for both of us, until he bought a one-way ticket to Crazy Town. He would call at all hours of the night, begging me to be seen with him at popular L.A. restaurants so the paparazzi would quit speculating on his level of gayness [Editor's note: Because bestiality is so much better. Crap. Now I'm going to get creepy people coming to the blog because I used the "B" word!]. The last straw was when he stood outside my house, in a trench coat, blaring Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" from the boombox over his head. As romantic as you may think that would be, it made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. George Clooney, actor = good. George Clooney, boyfriend = CAH-RAAAAAAZY!

Q: Kukka, you often complain about Brach, your adopted feline brother. I've heard rumors you are actually married and are keeping it a secret to preserve your image as a slut. What is the deal? Do you pretend he is bothersome to throw us off? Is there something you want to share with your public?
I maintain I am single. [Editor's note: Technically, it is illegal for cats to marry in this country.] I can confirm Brach is, in fact, my family member. [Editor's note: They do not share DNA and "family member" seems a bit vague.] I have no further comments on the subject. [Editor's note: Seems pretty curious to me, as well. I can tell you I've seen them getting pretty affectionate with one another and...] Excuse me? What kind of publicist are you? [Editor's note: I have no further comments on the subject.]

Q: Kukka, I've heard you will be attending a conference in Minneapolis in two weeks for super-sexy and hyper-talented felines. Is this true and, if so, how do I register? It is also rumored you are meeting an un-named male there and intend to have a week-long secret tryst. Thank you, in advance, for your honest answers.
Bah-ha-ha-ha! FACT: I am attending a conference in Minneapolis in two weeks. FACT: It's sweet you think you can register. You can not. As the only feline who qualifies under the "super-sexy" and "hyper-talented" criteria, I will be the only speaker/presenter, as well as attendee. I can't wait to listen to my presentations! FACT: There may or may not be a male meeting me there. You are very welcome for the clear and factual responses to your questions.

Q: I see a lot of humans are reading your blog now. As a cat, I'm a bit put off that your readership has diversified. What, exactly, is your commitment to the cat-blogging community? Can we expect loyalty from you or are you suddenly going to become a HUMAN?!
A: First off, can you say "SPECIEST?" Because I would bet my treats for the next month week day that is exactly what you are. Yes, the humans have found me. Yes, I enjoy their attention. And, yes...I am loyal--TO ALL OF MY FANS. I have always been, and will continue to be, an equal opportunity blogger. I feel all blog-readers have value and deserve the same respect. Oh, come one...who are we kidding here? I love attention. In any form. At any time. I'm not turning down any fan--whether they walk on four legs, or two. Come one, come all! Worship the Kukka!!

Q: Kukka, you know everything. Who is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby? Howard K. Stern or that other dude we haven't heard of until now?
A: Who cares? Ok. If you must know, it's neither. While I am not at liberty to say...exactly...I can say I believe his name starts with a Z and ends with an eus.

As always, dear fans, thank you for writing to me. While I am never amazed at your fascination with me, I am completely surprised you take the time to tell me. Ok. That wasn't true. I could barely keep a straight face while I wrote that. I'm never surprised. Keep 'em coming!


meowminx said...

Thanks for stopping by! I enjoyed reading your post for today! :) Ahh, I guess not a lot of people know who played Professor Snape in HP then *sigh* LOL

Cheysuli said...

I think you neglected to say that there would have been two of us at that super sexy feline model conference, but I have retired...

Anonymous said...

I think this was my favorite line:
Technically, it is illegal for cats to marry in this country. Thanks, once again, for the belly laughs.

Oh and since this is an "ask Kukka" post - what do you think about Munchkin cats? Someone offered to give us a munchkin kitten and my daughter wants a cat desperately.....

Kukka-Maria said...

Ah, Pam. I had to Google Munchkin Cats because as I looked across the horizon in search of them, they were just too short for me to recognize!

I think they are relatively cute (in comparison to me, not so much), but I wonder what you are looking for in a cat. If "cuteness" is your top concern, get one. If you are looking to enter your cat in foot-races (and have her win), I would say look elsewhere.

I can't imagine those stubby, little legs can carry them far--and quickly.

On a side note: If your daughter wants a cat--desperately, you had better comply or, as an adult, she will grow to resent you, call you a terrible mother, and probably not come home for the holidays. That's just a guess, but I did see that profiled on Oprah.

Anonymous said...

Well Kukka, you may have possibly influenced me again...I have plans for my upcoming nuptials but may cancel due to the fact that I don't want to marry until it's legal for ALL people and animals to marry. It just makes sense to me.

Kukka-Maria said...

Don't do that, beingmccrary. First, it is so Brad and Angelina. You have never been a copy-cat.

Second, my agent has already gotten a wedding gift for you and will be pretty upset if you cancel. She says it's a piece of crap she wouldn't use and, since it is stolen, she can't return it for cash.

Don't cancel!

Renee said...

I would like to hear you thoughts on the Brad/Angela not getting married thing... personally I think that Brad is really waiting for you.

And I don't think that Kukka could every get tied down in a marriage...especially since she's in the prime of her life. Too many Tomcats, too little time.

Have great fun at your conference! Love your mail.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

We're suprised you let Zeus stray so far from the stable...and long enough to have a dalliance with another female!

craziequeen said...

May your mailbag always be as full as your litter tray :-)

Wendy directed me here today, Kukka.

Zeus said...

I expected you not to spread horrible gossip and rumors, but I suppose that was too much to ask. I cannot believe you would insinuate that I would even so much as rub up against that behemoth of boob-ous, thundering-thigh-esque, Marilyn-strung-out-on-crack-Monroe pornosity. I suppose I will have to prepare a rebuttal now for everyone...thanks to you, Kukka.

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, it is not me Kukka - but her heathen, neat-freak father who is saying no to the cat. "too messy" with all the litter and such.

She asked if santa would bring her a kitten and daddy said it was too cold in the north pole for kittens :-(.

But we always end up having our way in the end ;-)!

Oh and with the munchkin cat - i was worried about back problems like with those weiner dogs. But of course cats are SO superior to dogs, I'm sure there is no need to worry!

William said...

Who's George Clooney?

Gattina said...

Lol and lol and lol ! Don't you hear me ? Really good and the picture with the glasses on is just super !
Pookie also is a very nice and patient model and she doesn't even take treats for that ! I also love nice and round cats and not a bag of bones !

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

Good call on the treat beat. It is best not to take any unnecessary risks when it comes to treats.

one of us said...

Dear Kukka,

When is your next book coming out? We are bored.

~Merlin, Shadow, Ko Ko

Beau Beau & Angie said...

Hmmm, getting affectionate with Brach? An no, we don't fink you should get married eifer. There's way too much to give up.

Carmen said...

i, for one, enjoy our human/cat blogging fun, and glad you're not speciesist!

Is it illegal for cats to marry in the whole country? Can you get married in Vermont or something?

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah...the GIFTS! Gifts are awesome, even if they are stolen....be sure to remove the vin number, I'm assuming it's a mercedes!

Kukka-Maria said...

You guys are all so sweet! "One of Us," I'm not sure if I should be flattered or insulted! On one hand, I'm honored you are requesting my next book, but on the other, you say your bored with everything else I'm giving you? I'll have to channel that pain into the book.

Zeus. Ok...maybe I shouldn't have dished to everyone about your alleged paternity of Anna Nicole's baby. Fine. But, I take no responsibility for how you got in that position in the first place.

You really need to be more persnickety when it comes to how you choose your ladies. I mean, clearly you showed great judgment with me, but from there? Downhill.

Now, at least, I know why you always want me to wear that blonde wig...

Kukka-Maria said...

Vermont, Carmen? No. Believe me. Brad Pitt and I tried.


BeingMcCrary...a Mercedes? How did you guess?! Great. Now the agent is going to have to trade it in for a blender or toilet paper cozy.