Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Open Letter to "Anonymous"

Dearest Anonymous
(if that is your real name...),

First, let me say, with every bit of my tiny, cold heart, I appreciate all the attention you've been giving me lately. Based on your frequent comments on my posts, it's clear you are a huge fan of my work! I am flattered that you hold me in such high regard and continue to come back to read my little nuggets of perfection.

I also want to thank you for working so hard to offer me money-making opportunities. It's almost as if my fiscal fortitude has become your life's mission! I am grateful to have someone working so hard for me. You are selfless. You are generous. You are devoted. I like that.

I especially loved the tip you left for me yesterday (and only deleted it--and its duplicate--because I knew you wanted me and only me to see it).

"Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for different ways to earn money... I did find this though...a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. I made over $900 last month having fun! make extra money"

Wow. Not only did you take the time to give me this tip, you came back 8 minutes later and told me again! Persistence is an admirable quality. Plus, you sure know that the best way to a feline empress' heart is through her wallet!

To aid you in your quest to help me achieve astounding levels prosperity, I want to help you narrow your scope.

What I don't want to do:

  • Secret shopping. I am way too famous to be able to pull that off. I can try to don a wig, trench coat and ginormous-Nicole-Richie-sunglasses, but it is inevitable that my identity will be revealed and the paparazzi will be swarming.
  • Take or sell Viagra, "Vagra," "V1agra," or the like. No male has ever had trouble becoming aroused in my presence--neither man, nor beast. In fact, even if I were to call someone and give them my sales pitch for an Erectile Dysfunction med, they would breathe heavily and hit on me over the phone. Super-sexiness is just my cross to bear.
  • Buy or sell software at amazingly low prices. I'm no computer nerd, sir or madam!
  • Get those tight abs too. My saggy belly is one of my distinguishing features. It's my milkshake that brings the boys to the yard! If I were to firm up, I would lose my fan-base. The women who identify with me and my saggy gut would feel betrayed. The men who like to fondle my flab would be turned off. No, tight abs are not for me.
  • Want a tiny waistline. See "Get those tight abs too."
  • Lose 42 pounds in 43 days. I weigh 12.5 pounds. You do the math.
  • Drop a dress size. What is with you, Anonymous? Do you not like my womanly curves? Your criticism of my voluptuous body is making me think you are not actually looking to admire and worship me.
  • I told that carried out. We can't wipe out by free to. Huh? Stop with the gibberish, Anonymous. It makes you look stupid.
  • Obtain $0ft Cialli$, branded quality. I don't have a penis. I don't have ED. While those cleverly-placed dollar $ign$ make me take notice, you should keep the Cialis to yourself. You may need it when I repeatedly kick you in the junk with all four of my paws.
  • Get a Home Purchase Loan!!! Anonymous...How can I put this gently? Are you a big, fat, greedy liar? Based on the money-making tips you are constantly giving me, I don't understand why I would have to take out a mortgage to buy a house! Am I not supposed to "get rich" and "make lots of easy money?" Think about it. Something isn't adding up...
I hope this information helps you help me. I recognize that hunger in your eyes comments. I see that you merely want to share your successes with me and encourage me to be the best feline empress I can be. If this is true, dear Anonymous, then write more comments like the one you left me last week:

"Your best blog entry ever, Kukka/agent! Choking on my chortles here."

You had me at "best blog entry ever," Anonymous. You had me at "best blog entry ever."

Graciously,
Empress Kukka-Maria

18 comments:

Chaotic Cat said...

*clapping pawsies together* you go Empress .. I bow in the wake of your incredible tail swish butt kick.

May "anonymous" grow rich and never need to take out a homeloan.

Carmen said...

I'm thinking there is more than one "anonymous".

I want to stand out in my praise of your blog. I want you to know it's me when I say you and your agent rock! :)

The 42 pounds in 43 days thing made me spittle all over my laptop screen. Thanks a lot.

Anonymous/chortles said...

I see that I will have to use another pseudonym to separate my identity from those "other" anonymouses who are sending you all those advertisements! So henceforth I will refer to myself as "Chortles". Congrats on pointing out to the other anonymous(es) that you would not need a mortgage is all those moneymaking schemes were working!

Kukka-Maria said...

See, Chortles...you are the sweet "Anonymous." You are the reason I didn't disable anonymous comments.

You and that adorable way you have of building up my ego...

Junior said...

You tell em! I am sure many felines and beans agree with you!

Cheysuli said...

Perhaps this sort of spam and commentary is our price of fame. I have been getting quite a few of those too...

Kaze said...

Wow, I think I had a visit from "anonymous" as well! In fact, my brother Latte & I both received the exact same comments as you yesterday. This anonymous obviously does have good taste to be soliciting cats.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

This "anonymous" guy sounds like a creepy pervert. Blacklist him and his ilk immediately!

Zeus said...

I'm surprised that Anonymous/Money Maker hasn't tried to defend him/herself. Proof once again that your bite is really as big as your supersized meow, Kukka.

Darcy X said...

I'm with you, Kukka! Every time I write something about Spam, I get more spam. And they keep on sending me information about mortgages, too. Cats don't need no stinking mortgate.

Renee said...

I think that perhaps someone stole Ananoymous' identity a couple of squillion times. That or (s)he is really dense.

But I think your letter to him/her was awesome.

Now if I could just figure out how to get those folks in Nigeria to stop trying to let me in on that awesome dead person's money.

Teena said...

You are too too trusting, Kukka! I think (and I hope I'm wrong!) this may be a scam.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I am now feeling less special now that I know that my own anonymous is spreading the love around to everyone.

Thanks for exposing that two-timing rat, kukka!!

Anonymous said...

Kukka ... I learn something new everyday from your vast experience in the blogosphere. Thank you for taking on those "anonymous" erectile disfunction awareness perpetuators out there who keep confusing us with their non-feline oriented comments. May they choke on their viagra/cialis/levitra ...
DaisyMae Maus

William said...

You just need those secret letters on your comments, Kukka. That way, only your most adoring fans will be able to leave you bonafide comments!

Anonymous said...

Maybe the Empress will come teach the
Contessa how to be discerning. The Contessa was considering cashing a check from a cross the border lotto -

Celfyddydau said...

That is a great letter. I hope anoymous reads it.

I think Anonymous is a Pseudonym for Annoying mouse.

Mama Duck said...

*rolls around laughing* Yep, if I lost 42 pounds in 43 days we'd have a HUGE problem ;). Got to love them all, too funny!