I realize you were upset that you were not chosen the winner of the "Scoop the Tabloids" contest. I know you worked hard on your entries and, because of our intimate relationship, thought you would be a clear winner. I am sorry it didn't go down the way you hoped. I want to affirm you: Your entries were colorful and descriptive. They had both shock and awe value, all the while divulging more about me to my public than I ever wanted them to know. I was a big fan of your scoops, but the celebrity panel of judges just did not agree.
Donny Osmond, still sore from our ancient feud with he and his sister, immediately put the kibosh on your entries. "Dirty. Foul. I feel like I need to take a shower after reading these. This cat calls himself a Mormon?"
Charo took up for you, though, "Coochie, coochie! He ees no Morrrmon! He ees un gato!"
Barry Williams kept comparing your story with his own, about he and Mrs. Brady under the Craft Service table in the 70's. "You have to admit Florence Henderson was...is hot, people! And I totally did her! Did I tell you we had a relationship?"
"Yes, Greg Brady. You did," sighed a frustrated and disenchanted Mindy Cohn. "Need I remind you that I did some pretty crazy scenes with George Clooney when he was on Facts of Life with us? Superstar hunk. George. Clooney. Not some Wesson Oil bitch!"
Everyone tried to get Carrot Top to weigh in on your stories, but he just kept pulling toilet seats out of a prop trunk and punching a huge number-pad on his chest. "1-800-C-A-L-L-A-T-T!"
Yes, I understand your disappointment, Zeus, but that does not justify your actions this weekend and why you are now on double-secret-probation from The Tomcat Stable. In fact, the jury is still out, but you may even be put on my
When the phone rang on Saturday night, I never would have guessed it was you. It was fortunate for me, my agent and I picked up extensions at the same time, or I never would have heard the following exchange:
Zeus: "Welllllllelllo, Mrs. Kukka's Agent! Whats you up to, super-foxy lady?"
A: "Who is this?"
Z: "It's ZEUS, you whore! How many tomcats do you have phoning to call you a foxy lady? I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm so very, very sorry, agent. That is just the alcohol talkin'. It's me, baby! The Thunder from Down Under!"
A: "Zeus, the CAT?"
Z: "The one and only! Did you likey my jokey? When I said The Thunder from Down Under, I was talkin' 'bout my man parts dow..."
A: "Yes. I got it. Zeus, why are you calling? Did you want to speak with Kukka-Maria?"
Z: "No. I was callin' to talkin' with you! Hey! That rhymed! Callin' and talkin' and what-not..."
A: "It didn't rhyme, Zeus. Why are you calling to talk with me, exactly?"
Z: "I'm drunk-dialin' ya, bitch! I love you! I...LOVE...YOU!!! I want to be with you! I want to put the beast back in beastiali..."
A: "Zeus! Shut it! Does your Human Pet know you are using the phone to call long-distance? And, moreover, does she know you've been drinking?"
Z: "You betcha! She knows I've been drinking! She's been servin' up Tequila Cocktails for me all night! OLÉ, SEXY SEÑORITA! Big ups to my Human Pet, y'all! She also knows I'm on the phone on-a-counta she dialed for me! I'M DRUNK-DIALIN' KUKKA'S AGENT, BITCHES!"
A: "Zeus, I think this is a tad inappropriate. Why don't you hang up the phone, sleep it off, and we'll agree to never talk about this again. Not to Kukka. Not to one another. And, for crying out loud, not to the blogging community!"
Z: "Why doesn't Kukka love me like I love her?" (Ah, the drunken tears.)
A: "She finds you very intriguing, Zeus. She loves you just as much as she loves the other members of her Tomcat Stable. If you love her at all, Zeus, you'll hang up this phone right now and quit professing your love for me."
Z: "I love you, Agent. I love you like the day is loooooong. I love you like a beeyootiful sunset and a glorious Tequila Sunrise. Hey, Human Pet! Whip me up one-a-them Tequila Sunseriseses!"
A: "Goodbye, Zeus. I'll pretend this never happened. I suggest you do the same."
Pretend it never happened, indeed, Zeus. If you are angry about the contest? Tell me. If you want to direct that anger toward me? Do it. If you want to bone my agent? Take a hike.
You knew the deal when we got together, Zeus. I am your one and only. You, however, share my heart with countless other males--human and tomcat, alike. That is just the way it is.
Would you have ever told me about this conversation, Zeus? Would you have ever admitted you drunk-dialed my agent if I hadn't heard the entire exchange...or would I have found out AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Her royal Highness, The Empress," to you, sir!