Monday, October 30, 2006

Open Letter to Zeus--Lecherous Casanova

Dear Zeus (if that is your real name),

I realize you were upset that you were not chosen the winner of the "Scoop the Tabloids" contest. I know you worked hard on your entries and, because of our intimate relationship, thought you would be a clear winner. I am sorry it didn't go down the way you hoped. I want to affirm you: Your entries were colorful and descriptive. They had both shock and awe value, all the while divulging more about me to my public than I ever wanted them to know. I was a big fan of your scoops, but the celebrity panel of judges just did not agree.

Donny Osmond, still sore from our ancient feud with he and his sister, immediately put the kibosh on your entries. "Dirty. Foul. I feel like I need to take a shower after reading these. This cat calls himself a Mormon?"

Charo took up for you, though, "Coochie, coochie! He ees no Morrrmon! He ees un gato!"

Barry Williams kept comparing your story with his own, about he and Mrs. Brady under the Craft Service table in the 70's. "You have to admit Florence Henderson hot, people! And I totally did her! Did I tell you we had a relationship?"

"Yes, Greg Brady. You did," sighed a frustrated and disenchanted Mindy Cohn. "Need I remind you that I did some pretty crazy scenes with George Clooney when he was on Facts of Life with us? Superstar hunk. George. Clooney. Not some Wesson Oil bitch!"

Everyone tried to get Carrot Top to weigh in on your stories, but he just kept pulling toilet seats out of a prop trunk and punching a huge number-pad on his chest. "1-800-C-A-L-L-A-T-T!"

Yes, I understand your disappointment, Zeus, but that does not justify your actions this weekend and why you are now on double-secret-probation from The Tomcat Stable. In fact, the jury is still out, but you may even be put on my Shit Litter List.

When the phone rang on Saturday night, I never would have guessed it was you. It was fortunate for me, my agent and I picked up extensions at the same time, or I never would have heard the following exchange:

Agent: "Hello?"

Zeus: "Welllllllelllo, Mrs. Kukka's Agent! Whats you up to, super-foxy lady?"

A: "Who is this?"

Z: "It's ZEUS, you whore! How many tomcats do you have phoning to call you a foxy lady? I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm so very, very sorry, agent. That is just the alcohol talkin'. It's me, baby! The Thunder from Down Under!"

A: "Zeus, the CAT?"

Z: "The one and only! Did you likey my jokey? When I said The Thunder from Down Under, I was talkin' 'bout my man parts dow..."

A: "Yes. I got it. Zeus, why are you calling? Did you want to speak with Kukka-Maria?"

Z: "No. I was callin' to talkin' with you! Hey! That rhymed! Callin' and talkin' and what-not..."

A: "It didn't rhyme, Zeus. Why are you calling to talk with me, exactly?"

Z: "I'm drunk-dialin' ya, bitch! I love you! I...LOVE...YOU!!! I want to be with you! I want to put the beast back in beastiali..."

A: "Zeus! Shut it! Does your Human Pet know you are using the phone to call long-distance? And, moreover, does she know you've been drinking?"

Z: "You betcha! She knows I've been drinking! She's been servin' up Tequila Cocktails for me all night! OLÉ, SEXY SEÑORITA! Big ups to my Human Pet, y'all! She also knows I'm on the phone on-a-counta she dialed for me! I'M DRUNK-DIALIN' KUKKA'S AGENT, BITCHES!"

A: "Zeus, I think this is a tad inappropriate. Why don't you hang up the phone, sleep it off, and we'll agree to never talk about this again. Not to Kukka. Not to one another. And, for crying out loud, not to the blogging community!"

Z: "Why doesn't Kukka love me like I love her?" (Ah, the drunken tears.)

A: "She finds you very intriguing, Zeus. She loves you just as much as she loves the other members of her Tomcat Stable. If you love her at all, Zeus, you'll hang up this phone right now and quit professing your love for me."

Z: "I love you, Agent. I love you like the day is loooooong. I love you like a beeyootiful sunset and a glorious Tequila Sunrise. Hey, Human Pet! Whip me up one-a-them Tequila Sunseriseses!"

A: "Goodbye, Zeus. I'll pretend this never happened. I suggest you do the same."

Pretend it never happened, indeed, Zeus. If you are angry about the contest? Tell me. If you want to direct that anger toward me? Do it. If you want to bone my agent? Take a hike.

You knew the deal when we got together, Zeus. I am your one and only. You, however, share my heart with countless other males--human and tomcat, alike. That is just the way it is.

Would you have ever told me about this conversation, Zeus? Would you have ever admitted you drunk-dialed my agent if I hadn't heard the entire exchange...or would I have found out AT YOUR WEDDING?

Double-secret-probation, indeed!

"Her royal Highness, The Empress," to you, sir!


Carmen said...

you tell zeus that if it will help him with his drinking "issues", I can share the 'poop' prize with him. ;)

Kukka-Maria said...

I think that is called "enabling," Carmen. The best thing for us to do is consider this open letter an intervention and hope for the best.

You know he's going to deny it, anyway...

Anonymous said...

Well, it sounds like Dr. Rodriguez did a real number on him. Perhaps shot him up full of some mood altering drugs?

The Meezers said...

we fink that anony-mouse is right - we fink that the v-e-t gived Zeus some drugs that maded him do fings he normally would not do. we don't fink it's his fault.

Xavier said...

I would NEVER question my Queen!

Fat Eric said...

Um...are you sure it wasn't some other cat POSING as Zeus? Because me and Brach are pretty sure that one of our fellow Gorgeous Gingers could never sink so low...

Thanks for the purrthday wishes by the way! My mum says if she had known you had a yearning for bling from Paris, Kukka, she would have picked something up for you, there were some furry fancy accessories in the shops she saw!

Simba said...

This just shocks me so much. I CAN'T believe you did such a thing. Either Kukka and her agent are totally making this up so as to have fun at your expense, or somebody got ahold of your mind. Hang in there, ginger-boy buddy! And if you HAVE been into the sauce, lay off for a while! Make your human pet hide the phone from you too, just in case!

Anonymous said...

Zeus, you dirty little tomcat!! This is no way to impress Kukka. Instead, you should have an affair with a Persian hottie!! Or maybe, if you are feeling exotic, a Siamese wild cat!

Chaotic Mom said...

Wow, you are good. YOU made me really smile today. FINALLY! I need this post. Hilarious. Pure genius.

Sorry Zeus. ;)

Anonymous said...

Is your agent SURE that it was Zeus, Kukka? Surely to goodness he couldnt have done such a horrible thing!

Zeus said...

I'm so glad that you were able to utilize my illness to your benefit, Kukka. You cut me to the core. I will be posting my response to these allegations on Friday.

Kukka-Maria said...

It's tough admitting you have a problem, Zeus. We are here for you and will be a better support than the Tequila Schpritzers of which you are so fond.

Tequila can not love you back, Zeus. Tequila can not love you back...

Looking forward to watching you take the first of 12-steps on Friday!

kailani said...

Oh no, I think I missed something here. I better go back and read some more.

Whatever it was, I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding. Poor Zeus!