Monday, October 16, 2006


The paparazzi and tabloid attention I've been receiving lately has gotten completely out of control! Even you, my dear fans and readers, have expressed your concern with slimy reporters hounding you for information about me! I recognize how stressful that can be for "normal, non-celebritic" folk like you, so I especially wish to thank you for refusing to dish to those revolting beasts.

Over the weekend, I tossed and turned in fitful sleep--maybe getting only 14 of my typical 18 hours each day. "This must stop!" I screamed.

"Hush it..." my agent mumbled as she kicked me off the bed.

"I'll hush when you GIVE ME TREATS, WOMAN!" I shouted.

"Keep your angst focused, empress. Begging for treats just keeps you from dealing with the real issues. You don't want to become a 'stress eater,' do you?"

"Damned paparazzi..." I mumbled as I began counting sheep with high-powered zoom lenses hanging from their necks.

Suddenly, the ghost of that dame, Judi Dench, appeared to gently place the solution in my cold, little heart.

I'm sorry...what? I'm being told her title is Dame Judi Dench. And she's not dead.


Anyway, Judi said, in her spooky ghost voice, "The only way to beat the tabloid media is to SCOOP THEM! And, before you say it, Kukka...I don't mean scoop in the same way one would scoop a litter box. I mean release a story before they can break it!"

"Judi, you bitch! You stole my corny litter joke! Good thing you gave some solid advice as a chaser"


As I mentioned in my last "Dear Kukka..." installment, I am going to be attending the Super-Sexy, Hyper-Talented Feline Convention in Minneapolis this week. As the sole presenter and only attendee (no other cats qualified), I am going to have my paws full with doing all the presenting and listening (also signing autographs for myself)! As a result, I will not be posting on my blog from Tuesday, Oct 17, through Wednesday, Oct 25.

While I am gone, I am asking for your help in SCOOPING THE TABLOIDS by sharing your tabloid-worthy stories with my readers!

Here are the details:
  1. Share stories about me, about me and you, about me and other celebrities, etc. in the comment section of this post. Just be sure it's about me in some form. And don't act so surprised that it has to be about me! Have we just met?
  2. If you prefer to produce photographic evidence of my exploits on your site, be sure to link directly to that post within the comments of this post so others can find and appreciate it.
  3. Be creative in retelling our escapades! Be detailed (primarily because I was probably either too drunk or high on catnip to recall a thing)!
  4. Tell more than one story! We've hung out a lot. We've shared some laughs and some jail cells. Let the stories fly! I would rather have them posted here than on the pages of US Weekly, STAR, The Enquirer, etc.
  5. Pass the word to new Kukkites! You need not be a regular visitor or commenter to participate. I'm sure there are new fans out there with whom I've shared catnip and chaos!
  6. In the spirit of Miss Wendy Wings' Monthly Auditions, please visit the blog of the person who posted above you. I've found some great blogs (and super-fans) by way of this practice. You just may, too!

So what's in it for you? Well, besides the second-hand fame you will receive having your name and adventures posted on my blog, you will also be in the running to win a prize!


Yes. Upon my return, I will be leading a team of judges through all the tabloid stories posted here and we will choose the most amusing and creative one. YES, ONE! In addition to my agent, the team of judges will consist of 4-5 celebrities. To keep the bribing of judges to a minimum, I will disclose the celebrity names when I reveal the winner on Friday, October 27.

So, if having your stories read by celebrities isn't enough for you, the winner of the SCOOP THE TABLOID CONTEST will receive their choice of one of the following Kukka Couture tailored tees!



So, to recap, not only will this contest screw the tabloids and prevent them from hunting down these stories and being the first to break them, it will also get you a cool tee-shirt!

And you know what I say, "To know me is to love me and to love me is to have me pressed against your skin and to wear me all over town!"

I CAN'T WAIT TO READ ABOUT MYSELF WHEN I RETURN! It's great having it be all about me...helping you win cool stuff...from writing scandalous stories about me. Enter early, enter often! You know what a wild history we share! Dish before the tabloids uncover it without our permission!

Good luck!
Email me if you have any questions!

1 I can already hear panties getting into bunches. "But, Kukka...I'm sexy! I'm talented! I'm a feline!" While this may be the case, it takes more than that to add the SUPER- and HYPER- to your attributes. It's weird! I made all this up and I'm the boss of it all, but I'm struggling to explain it to you! The easiest way to appease you is to say the deadline for registration has passed and we are accepting no late registries. (WHEW!)


Brach said...

Remember when we dressed all in black, even putting shoe polish under our eyes, and ransacked the neighborhood?

We snuck up to Dom Deluise's house and pooped in a paper bag? We then lit it on fire, put it on his porch, and watched behind a tree as his maid stomped it out?

Boy, was she pissed!

We laughed and laughed, even though Dom never even knew it happened. We'll try again the next time we are liquored up.

As a clear winner, I'll take a TEAM KUKKA Tee in an extra large (to house my huge muscles).

Kukka-Maria said...

As a family member, Brach, you are not able to participate in the contest.

And...what muscles?

Carmen said...

OMG! I can't go a week without my Kukka fix! what will I do? Oh the horror!

Kukka-Maria said...

Carmen! Carmen, calm the eff down! You won't have to go with my essence...just come and read the stories about me!

I'm sure you have some to share, too...

brandywine said...

To know you is to love and wear you close to my body as I stroll around town? Is it to say that to love you is also to sweat, spill mustard or wipe the errant boog? Would it also be to love you if said shirt was soaked with ice water at some spring break wild escapade? ('cause I'm all about love if that is the case Madame Empress!)You rock Kukka and I'll try to comb over some of the police reports to see if any of the statutes have run out yet. Looking forward to hearing of your trip and seeing any red carpet pics of you. Let's hope Mr.Clooney and/or Mr. Brangelina don't embarrass themselves again.

Samantha said...

All I can say is that when we all participated in Miss Wendy's Casting Call together, there were numerous winners (including myself), but I feel like knowing The Empress Kukka Maria is our true claim to fame!

She's beautiful, she's daring, and boy does she know some hotties! Men of the elite, those we only know as rich and famous, and out of reach to us, they DROOL over The Empress!
Not only does she have the males of the Human race wrapped around her paws, but she has stolen the hearts of all the eligible males of the feline (and maybe even canine) persuasion!
So, with my greatest pleasure, I'm scooping on the Tabloids, because *ninny ninny boo boo* it's us, the little people in Kukka's life that she loves! *preparing picket signs so we can strike in front of tabloid offices*

kitkatknit said...

I've spotted a Scoop at Since brach cannot play, I will instead claim first prize and choose the TEAM KUKKA tee in XL.

Carmen said...

I have posted the scoop of a lifetime at

The "tabloid journalist" asked what Kukka Marie was REALLY going to Minneapolis for, since she is conveniently the only one attenting the "conference." The journalist thinks that perhaps there are other reasons for her visit. Is it botox, or detox? Read all about it!

I'm off to visit kitkat, but I hate to disappoint them by taking away the t-shirt prize.

The Meezers said...

I 'amember when you drunk dialed me saying "MILLLLLEEEESSSSSSS, I lurve you sssssoooooooooo much meezer man" and I was all like "KUKKA, is that you?" and you were all like "MILLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS we HAVE to go to NYC and go to the after hours clubs" we met in NYC and we wented to all of the warehouses where the after hours clubs were, and you hadded on BLUE lipstick and GREEN hair and platform shoes that you couldn't walk in, and I hadded to hold you up when you walked. And efurrywhere we wented, efurryone was screaming "KUKKA KUUUUUUUUUUUUKKA, KUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKAA" and a riot started and the police camed and tried to arrest you for being drunk in publik and then I gotted into a fight wif the police to protekt you, and then we bof gotted putted in jail. Your agent was not happy to haf to send bail money for us. Yeah, yeah, that's what happened. yep.

Gemini said...

Oh my scoop is up!

Zeus said...

With a heavy heart, I shall tell this tale that I had thought would remain a secret...until now. I suppose it is better for me to say what happened on that fateful night rather than some homo sapien reporter from Star or The National Enquirer.

It all started three days ago when Kukka called me at two in the morning:

"Zeuswegottadosomethin'rightnowrightnowrightnowrightnow! Igottonsofenergyandweneedtogetitonlikedonkeykongyoufeelme?"

Her speech was rapid, slurred, and garbled, and I knew instantly that Kukka had taken up her speed addiction once again.

"Maybe if you slowed down, I'd be more inclined to help you, Kukka. You know I love you. You know I want what's best for you, but I think it might be best if you just try to get some sleep and call me in the morning."

"NoZeusIneeditnow! Wehavetodosomethingnow! Rightnowrightnowrightnow!"

"Goodness, ok, ok! What do you have in mind? I'm not sleeping with you if that's what you have in mind."


"I don't know how I will ever get to Las Vegas at this time of night, especially with my human pet here."

"Psshposhfattie! Thosearemerelydetails! CallyourfriendPhilandI'msurehecanhelpusbothgetthere."

"Call my friend Phil so you and I can go to Las Vegas and redezvous at the Bellagio for torid lovemaking? I'm sorry, Kukka, but for as much as I love you, I'm going to have to say no."

"Finethen! I'llpullinmyownresources! Bewaitingatthedoor. Someonewillpickyouupwithinthehour."


I admit I should have just ignored the rapping at the door an hour later, but intrigued and pressured by my loinless loins, I answered nonetheless.

"Zeus?" A tall man with rugged features dressed in a beautiful Vesace suit stood before me. "I'm here to pick you up to escort you to the airport."

"Wow. She wasn't joking!" I uttered stunned.

"No, she wasn't. What the Empress wants, the Empress gets," the strange man replied.

"I'm sorry, but how did this all happen so quickly?"

"I work for the Harpo Organization, and seeing as though Kukka and my boss, Miss Oprah, have worked things out, Miss Oprah is more willing to help the Empress with her needs," he explained.

Without further discussion, I was whisked away to the airport, set on a plane, and flew to Vegas in the middle of the night...or morning if you prefer.

When I stepped off the plane, Kukka was there to meet me.

"SeeItoldyouIwouldmakeithappen. Youthinkyou'retheonlyonewhohasconnectionsinrealitytv? GuessagainZeusiepoo!"

"Could you please, for the love of all that is holy, slow the fack down?" Surprised by my outburst, the Empress took a step back. "I'm sorry, Kukka, but goodness! Don't you think this is a bit much? Normal felines don't just arrange plane flights in the middle of the night...or morning, if you prefer, and meet up in Las Vegas for secret redezvouses. It's not like I'm even in your five!"

"Wellyou'llbeinmyfiveafterthisbigboy. Followme-Iknowwheretogo!"

With twisted feelings of anxiety, nervousness, and a fair amount of clumping fur from shedding, I followed her out of the airport to a limo which was waiting by the curb. We stepped inside and made our way down the infamous Strip. As we passed Caesar's Palace, Kukka exclaimed:

"Ooooopulloverpullover! IwannagotoCaesar'sPalace! Theyhaveexcellentshoppingthere,andIknowjustwhatIwanttogettomakethisnightextraspecial."

I refused to follow her into the building, but I watched her stumble, twitch, and stutter her way up the stairs, cranked out on her speed. It was utterly depressing, but as any fellow tomcat knows, it's best just to ignore those nasty, little things one does not like about the Empress.

Ten minutes later, she had returned with a plastic bag and a huge grin on her face. When the door shut behind her, she laid the bag on the floor of the limo and pulled out a bottle of tequilla and a pair of mittens.

"Do I even dare to ask what that is for?" I questioned.

"Youknowwhatthisisfor,bigboy! We'regonnagetitonlikeIsaidbecauseIsaidandwhenIsayIwantityouknowIwantitsodon'tplayhardtogetifyoueverwantinmyfive!"

With a heavy heart, I watched us pull up to the Bellagio. As it turned out, Kukka had already had a room reserved for us, and my heart began to thud inside of my chest. Was she really going to make me have my way with her? Was she really going to expect me to be her cheap loveslave for the evening? How would I live down the shame? How would I explain this to my human pet? Did I even need protection for my loinless loins?

When we got to the room, Kukka threw herself and the bag on the bed. She sprawled out and motioned to me to come near her. She reached into the bag, pulled out the bottle of tequilla, and ripped off the cap. She chugged nearly half of it back with such vigor that lumberjacks in the depths of the Yukon Territory would have been proud and hoisted their drinks up to salute her.

"Putonthemittens. Putthemonrightnow! Rightnow!"

Confused, ashamed, degraded, and utterly pussy-whipped (literally, mind you), I slid my paws into the wool mittens. It wasn't the best sensation to be quite honest.

"Petme! Petmenow! PetmeZeus!"

I bit my lower lip and scrunched up my face. How would I ever get out of this? Was there some way to be rid of this embarassment?

"Kukka, I don't think I really sho-"

"Isaidpetmenowbitch! Doitnow! Doit!"

"No means no, Kukka."

"Notinhereitdoesn't! Soshutyourmouthandgetyourpawsonmenow!"

I think I might have cried right then to be deeply honest. I put my hands on Kukka's back and gingerly moved them up and down. She began to purr deeply, and I closed my eyes. This isn't how I envisioned our first time together, and now that I had seen what it would be like together, I had serious doubts as to whether or not I was the man for this so-called Empress.

Just then, I heard some tappings against the glass of our room's window. I looked up to see a pair of photographers on a painter's scaffold, snapping shots of our petting session. My jaw nearly hit the floor, and my paws froze in their mittened-tracks.

"Justignorethem! You'llgetusedtoitintime,Zeusiepoo. Keeppettingme! Petmenowdammit! Idon'tcareiftheyseeourpassionforoneanotherjustkeeppettingme!"

"Kukka, I said NO!" I screamed.

I flailed the mittens off my paws and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I heard what could only be Kukka falling off of the bed and hitting the floor and then the sounds of her traipsing over to the door.

"Zeusssssssssssssss. Zeuuuuuuuuus! Don'tyouknowhowmuchyoumeantome? Don'tyouknowhowmuchIwantyou? Don'tyouwantme? Ifyoulovedme,youwouldpetme! Youwouldfreakin'petme!"

I began to sob horribly from behind the bathroom door. "Kukka, I do love you which is why I can't let this happen. I respect you TOO much to let myself be swept away by your unbelievably vulnerable state right now. Though other men may take advantage of such wonderful opportunities, I, Zeus, do not. I hope you can understand and forgive me. Oh, Kukka, if you only knew the depth of my love for you. If you only knew how I dream of us being together every night, cuddling by the fire in my living room. If you only knew that I cannot live without you! Kukka, I love you! I love you! There! I said it! Do you hear me? I LOVE YOU KUKKA-MARIA, EMPRESS OF MY HEART!"




Needless to say, Kukka remembered none of what happened that evening, and I am fine with that. It is the gentleman's way to move on from such a traumatic evening. However, she doesn't even know that I expressed my inner-most emotions to her from behind that bathroom door, but perhaps one day, she will. Perhaps some day...

Jacob the Syrian Hamster said...

I need to check with the American Rodental Association (ARA) first to see if their legal department will allow me to tell our story.

Cheysuli said...

Oh Kukka, you asked for it:

amanuensis said...

Kukka ‘n Darcy caught in the act

--Saint Paul, Minn.

By Angelique

What was Kukka really doing in “Minneapolis?”

Several informants report sighting the ever mysterious Kukka Maria at Aunt Hattie’s House-o-Spam in Saint Paul, Minn., accompanied by none other than Darcy Xenophon.

Our informants confirm that the male in question was definitely Darcy Xenonphon, the world-traveling redpoint Siamese, noted for his gourmandizing and for his numerous liaisons with females of several species. Back in March, 2006 Darcy was married in the Church of Catymology to two humans—the first interspecies group marriage on record. Within weeks, however, he had abandoned his human mates, only to hook up with a Hawaiian woman on Maui.

At Aunt Hattie’s, an establishment featured in the pages of Gourmand Magazine as the premiere palace for Spam cuisine, a gorgeous feline described as “the spitting image” of the voluptuous Kukka arrived in a private limo. She was met by the dapper Darcy, and the two partied late into the night, consuming several orders of Aunt Hattie’s Signature Spam Musubi and licking each other’s ears.

Early the next day, following this orgy, Darcy was seen sneaking out of a room at the Saint Paul Hotel, a hideaway favored by many celebrities visiting the “Twin Cities.”

Previously, Kukka dropped two coy hints about her trip in her blog, where, on October 13, she stated that she was attending the Super-Sexy, Hyper-Talented Feline Convention in “Minneapolis.” But on October 3, Kukka gave a different story, saying she was going to be attending a conference in Minneapolis in two weeks, adding that “there may or may not be a male meeting me there.” If our informants are correct, it was actually Saint Paul, the other Twin City, and not Minneapolis she planned to visit.

Darcy Xenophon’s spokesdog, Arnie Weinermutt, denied that Kukka and Darcy are even acquainted, and suggested that the whole “affair” might be the result of the woeful neglect of geography in our public schools. “Ever since the Republican Party announced that they would hold their 2008 convention in Saint Paul, many people outside Minnesota have exhibited their confusion over the whereabouts of Minneapolis and Saint Paul.”

Zeus said...

I shudder to even think of sharing another story, but alas, I must. I feel the deep need to confess my sins to one and all, and I can only hope that my beloved Kukka will forgive me.

Towards the end of July, I was simply sitting in the living room, watching the local programming on television when the doorbell rang. I wasn't expecting any visitors so my curiosity was piqued. When I answered the door, I saw the Empress herself standing before me.

"Kukka?! What are you doing here?" I exclaimed.

"You know why I am here. Just because I don't send you a postcard to participate in your Amazing Zeus adventures doesn't mean you don't visit me! Do you think you're the one who makes the rules in this relationship? Excuse me - I'm the Empress!"

Bewildered, I said, "I hadn't known that I needed your approval for the rules pertaining to my blog segments. Was there some sort of clause I missed when I signed up for my free Blogger account?"

"Are you getting bitchy with me?" she said.

"That would be a little hard considering I don't have the multiple nipples like you do, my love. Clearly, I cannot become bitchy with you," I replied.

Suddenly and without warning, she leapt upon me and pinned me to the floor of the foyer. Huskily, she breathed, "Oh Zeus...when you talk to me with that witty sarcasm of yours, it just brings out the beast in me."

Confused, I said, "I'm not sure what I'm doing, but if you say it, then it must be so."

"However," she continued, "you're going to pay for not visiting me on your Amazing Zeus adventures." Her lips curled into a malicious grin, and I felt fear cascading upon me in large waves.

She yanked me by the scruff of my neck into the living room and proceeded to tie me to the couch with some yarn she had tucked away underneath the folds of her flesh. She slapped a pink, diamond-studded collar onto my neck and grinned sadistically.

"I am so going to make you beg," she said.

"Beg for what?" I said nervously.

The next thing I knew I felt the lashes of my beloved Suede Teaser upon my backside. I nearly jumped off the couch, but the yarn held me in place.

"Holy!" I screamed. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm making you pay for not visiting me!"





"Goodness! Please stop!" I yelled. My backside stung horribly, and I couldn't understand what I had done to bring this upon myself.

"Stop means more!" The Empress pulled back and released yet another torrent of pain upon me.

Exasperated, I moaned, "Pleaaasssse! Ok, ok! I'm sorry that I didn't come and see you when I was traveling!" Tears streamed from my eyes as the words came gurgling out. "I'm sorry that I requested postcards. I'm sorry that we didn't go to strange, bizarre, and sometimes, uncanny places for mystery and excitement. Please just make it stop!"

Kukka undid the yarn and released me from my bondage. I slumped against the couch, breathing heavily, relief flooding my body.

"The next time you decide to do an interesting, educational, and fun segment on your blog, you had better include me. I don't need to follow your rules. I follow no one's rules," she hissed.

"Yes, Mis..err, Empress."

And that is the truth as to why I am seriously considering not writing another Amazing Zeus segment. It was only a matter of time before someone asked me when the Christmas edition was going to come out, but now, I don't need to have anyone spread rumors. Now, everyone knows the truth.

Sparky Duck said...

Mines up

Philly Transplant: Maybe TMZ will pick this up

kitkatknit said...

Yes!!! Another Kukka-Maria sighting at

Sudiegirl said...

OH - I'm glad my cats aren't the only two in this world that act like brach and kukka-maria.

Great Blog! can I link to you? please let me know.

The Mitz said...

PS: Oh Exalted One, Make sure to stop by today, I have a MUST read post you won't want to miss!!!

Your faithful friend, The Mitz

one of us said...

Oh KukkaKukkaKukka, I'm afraid it now must come out. Your trendy bipolar illness that explains everything including the story below. Never let it be said we did not scoop the tabloids first.

Well it was one evening when I had just met Kukka, the lovely empress divine. She was sitting there across the room, tiara sparkling, eye as bright as the gems on her head, and velveteen dress as soft as her luxurious fur. There she was the Divine Kukka-Maria. She looked like she could use another drink. Since I was sitting in a daze at the bar, I ordered her a catmopolitan complete with crushed nip leaves and pink champagne.

When the drink arrived, Kukka, you coyly looked over and sent that sexy wink that only you know how to do. My rat tail quivered with the electricity in the air. It was instant attraction, lust, an inner acknowledgement of souls in sync with each other.

I skittled over to your table and as your glorious eyes gazed into my beady ones, it was like all others in the room faded away. We danced on the moon and ice skated on the rings of Saturn, we dove through the clouds and swam through the stars. Never before Kukka had there been someone like you, at least that I could remember.

We glided out paw in paw. You towering over me in stillettoes while I grabbed my top hat and tail. We cruised Waikiki in your limo, drinking catnip champagne and ratspritzers, hanging out the skylight hooting at the peasants strolling on the sidewalks to poor to hire their own limo. We lit our cigarettes in the tiki torches and cheered at the sidewalk performers. We had shots at the famous Duke's and flirted with the hookers. Oh Kukka, it was a night like no other.

Unfortunately, it had to end. But not before we ran to the sparkling ocean, glistening and gentle under the stars, reflecting the moon onto your fur as we stipped naked and dove into the lapping waves, giggling uncontrollably as everything we had drunk ended up in our heads directly bypassing out livers. Oh Kukka how were we supposed to know that it was illeagal? How? If I had only known that you also had that gram of coke in your purse still I would have erred on the side of caution. As it was, we really erred and our mug shots prove it.

The worst part was not being able to share jail cells due to rules on the seperation of species in jail. Unfair, I hollered, unfair. They gave us both one call. You called the hotel to order a hot bath. I called Mom who said sleep in off in the slammer.

Yes, the bail and record were worth it Kukka to spend on night with you.

Your Loving Rat on probation,
Ford Prefectrat (I still have your towel and I've never washed it)

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I see that your blog has been frogged, Kukka. Congratulations on your good review.

Derby said...

In the cleanup after the party at Derby’s blog, the crew found the limp body of a grey with white tabby. The female cat was found under the area where the bar had been set up.

Passed out amongst the detritus of the party was Kukka-Maria. Authorities questioned the host of the party, Derby Sassycat. He stated that he had no recollection of Kukka being at the party. It is suspected that she quietly teleported in and drank herself into a stupor.

Her spokes person said she would be entering rehab immediately.

Samantha said...


Kukka Maria was spotted going into a Home for Wayward Cat Momma's! My contact says that she was so big with kittens that her royal belly was dragging the ground! Here's the thing...We all feel like she owes it to us to tell us who fathered these kittens! We want to know if she's sending them to the pound!

I feel deeply in my heart that Kukka is immensely depressed in her infamous, lavish life. It was reported that her agent threatened to put her out when she caught a whiff of crack smoke coming from under the Empress' door. Could it be? Could she be putting her kittens up for adoption because she's afraid she cant take care of crack addicted babies?

Well, we'll probably never know, because my contact is one of Kukka's past relationships gone bad. Is it true? Or is it a viscious lie to turn us all against our favorite Empress Kukka Maria?

Simba said...

I have emailed you my tabloid scoop, because it includes a photograph, which I cannot post here in comments. It will be your decision as to whether to make it public, because it does not cast you in good light. It reveals how tragically you neglected your own mother, the creature who gave you life. Oh, Kukka!! Perhaps your agent will decide that it is important for the truth to come out.