Announcer: Tonight, we meet the family of Kukka-Maria, feline empress and celebrity blogger. From the outside, this family looks as if everything runs like well-oiled machine.
[Video footage of Kukka-Maria slapping Brach fades into Kukka begging for treats and hissing at her agent when denied which fades into Kukka tearing up toilet paper in the bathroom while frequently looking over her shoulder to avoid getting caught.]
Announcer: After watching the secret video of their day-to-day lives, we agree. They are a well-oiled machine...HEADED TO HELL! With Kukka's severe behavioral and emotional issues--including, but not limited to, exaggerated illusions of grandeur, it is clear this family needs some help. They need SUPER NANNY!
[Doorbell rings. Woman in her very early thirties (Yes, I said EARLY! This is my story, after all) opens the door to find a smiling woman dressed in what at first appears to be a crisp flight attendant's uniform.]
Agent: Hello! You must be Nanny Jo! Welcome to Northwest Flight 1261, non-stop to Minneapolis. Would you like some crackers or something cold to drink?
Nanny Jo: I don't underst...what is it you mean? Is this what you Yanks call an "expression?" How delightful!
A: Uh...no. It was a lame joke. Welcome, Nanny Jo! We've been excitedly waiting for you!
NJ: Well, after viewing the eleventy-four hours of horrifying video, it was clear to me you needed my assistance! Now where are the little angels?
A: Brach, upon hearing the doorbell, grabbed his severe case of OCD and ran to the bedroom to hide. You may or may not see him during your visit. Kukka-Maria is sitting over here, by the couch, glaring at you. You can say hello, but I wouldn't...
NJ: Well, hello little darling! Nanny Jo is here to help you become a bett...SHIT! That little beast bit me! Cut the effing cameras. We're going to have to edit that out. SHIT! That hurt, you little vampire!
A: I tried to tell you. Kukka, will you please apologize to Nanny Jo? Please? For Mommy?
NJ: Based on your tone, I can see why this home is in distress. Her behavior is unasseptable and needs to be addressed firmly.
A: Unasseptable? There must be a language barrier because I have no freakin' idea what you are saying to me right now. Do you mean "unacceptable?"
NJ: That is precisely what I said. Now, the first thing we need to do is establish dominance with Kukka. You need to make sure she knows who is the boss in the home and who will be making the rules. Why don't we start by you telling her that in a low, clear and firm voice?
A: Kukka, can you please listen to Mommy? Mommy just wants what is best for her baby girl and...
NJ: Ok. Crap. No. Listen. [Nanny Jo walks over to Kukka's Agent and takes her by the shoulders, looking directly into her eyes.] First, you must get down to her level. Really get down there.
[Kukka's agent squats to the floor.]
NJ: No. Really get down there.
[Kukka's agent lies down on her stomach and stares deeply into Kukka-Maria's vertical pupils.]
NJ: Now grab her by the shoulders and tell her, in a firm and unflinching tone, that you are the boss of her and she must do exactly as you say at all times. No "pleases." No "can yous."
A: Kukka. I am your queen. You will do as I say. You will not argue with me. You will not question my authority. You will simply say, "Yes, ma'am." When I tell you to jump, you will say, "How high, ma'am?" When I tell you to crap, you will say, "What color, ma'am?" Do you understand me? I said, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
[Kukka looks away and yawns.]
NJ: We certainly have our work cut out for us.
[It is mid-morning. After insisting Nanny Jo shower with an anti-bacterial soap and sanitize her hands before petting him, Brach has ventured into the living room and is sleeping soundly on the couch. Kukka wanders over, onto the couch, and hovers over Brach--who has now opened his eyes.]
A: Kukka-Maria! Will you please stop torturing your husband...I mean BROTHER? Nanny Jo, can we edit that "husband" business out? I do not want to give the tabloids any fuel for their gossip. Kukka has an image to protect.
NJ: No. Nothing is edited out. Nothing--but my own errors. You are meant to look as if you are incompetent. We need as much questionable footage as we can get. We have rating concerns, you know. Now let's talk about the manner in which you addressed your daughter. I heard a "please" which, as you know, is unasseptable.
A: Nanny Jo, seriously! All I heard right then was BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...UNASSEPTABLE. Can you please try to say, "UNACCEPTABLE?"
[Suddenly, their lesson in articulation is interrupted by a howl and a hiss. Kukka has bullied the weary Brach from his slumber and is snuggling onto the couch--with a grin. Brach is looking at the arguing women in desperation.]
NJ: Holy hell, Kukka! Cut the cameras, you guys. Listen, you ungrateful little cat. In case you didn't notice, we are filming a television show here. You are under contract. You must at least pretend to cooperate--even if it's just for the show! FRANK, I SAID CUT THE BLOODY CAMERAS!
[It is now mid-afternoon. Kukka and Brach have just been given treats. Kukka's are distributed in the kitchen. Brach, spooked by the earlier confrontation with Kukka and subsequent shouting by Nanny Jo, has hidden himself away in the bedroom. His treats are left in the middle of the bed, under the covers, next to a lump believed to be Brach. Moments later, Kukka is whining for treats.]
Kukka: Meow. I want more treats. Meeeeee-FREAKIN'-ow! I am starving and deserving. Give me more mother-effing treats!
NJ: Kukka. That behavior is unasseptable. That is not how one asks for snacks. Proper young ladies are not rude and demanding. They are polite. Plus, proper young ladies do not ask for treats. They wait until they are offered.
[Kukka belches loudly and begins a bit of "personal grooming."]
NJ: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! CUT THE CAMERAS!! Listen you little piece of...
A: NANNY JO! That is not how we talk in this house! Proper ladies do not use curse words. They do not...
NJ: Whatever, lady. You know something? I'm a famous television presence now. I do not have to tolerate this crap. Sergio! Steve! Fetch me a non-fat, soy mocha with a shot of whiskey! We are out of here!
[Nanny Jo and her personal assistants--who are totally not gay, despite their mannerisms, tasteful and stylish clothing, speech patterns and the fact they have sex with men, leave the house and jump into their "vintage" British car. As the car speeds away, Kukka runs around the living room in what appears to be a victory lap.]
K: Who's the queen, beeotch!? I'm the queen! Who's the boss, lady? I'm the boss! Now, fetch me my treats while I lazily lie here, on my back, waiting for my well-deserve belly rubs. TREATS! NOW!
A: As you wish, Empress. As you wish.