Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #8


Thirteen Court-Mandated
Public Service Announcements
Kukka has done that may
(or may not) have been of value
.


  1. CAT SHOWS.
    Kukka: "Every year, thousands of cats are fluffed and loaded into cages to participate in cat shows. As a result, these cats suffer emotional trauma brought on by the comparison of them to some human-imposed standard. Low self-esteem. Poor body image. Eating disorders. The consequences are staggering. When you find yourself being vigorously brushed and powdered, put your paw down. A strong 'HELL NO, I WON'T GO' will send a clear message. Your self-esteem will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  2. SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES.
    Kukka: "You want to get your groove on. I get that. You are called a 'loose lady' and 'slutty-slut-slut.' That's when you really need to ask yourself: Am I being safe when I whore it up? Each year, millions of female felines contract and suffer from Gonorrheactic-Syphilitic-Chlamydiatic-Vaginitis. The answer is not refraining from banging the screen-door, it's about keeping your cha-cha safe. Insist your tomcat(s) wear condoms. Your va-jay-jay will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  3. BURYING YOUR TURDS.
    Kukka: "You poop. You bury. It's simple and polite. If you somehow have trouble remembering this, BRACH, you should really ask for help. When you drop a deuce and let the brown trout float at the top of the litter, you are just asking for trouble. Seriously. I'm going to kick your ass. It's gross. Your cat roommates will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  4. BREAST FEEDING YOUR KITTENS.
    Kukka: "You have a litter of kittens and the next thing you know, they are going to want to eat. The trouble is that you value your multiple, perky nipples too much to allow them to sag. Don't do it! Don't compromise your hot boobs just to feed your babies! When they look up at you, with those pathetic little eyes, shake your head. Tell them you've already done your job by carrying them for 58-65 days. They are probably going to be given away, anyway. Your nips will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  5. FARTING.
    Kukka: "We all pass gas. It's natural. It's healthy. The next time your human has a living room full of guests, make an anal announcement. Performing a one-cheek-sneak will not only make you feel great, it will also send a clear message to the humans that it's okay to let one fly. Of course, they will probably do it anyway, blaming you. Embracing the thunder from down under is an important part of a healthy life. Your bootie will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  6. CATNIP ADDICTION.
    Kukka: "Catnip addiction has become an epidemic. Millions of cats, worldwide, struggle to maintain a normal and balanced life due to their preoccupation with obtaining the herb. Rolling in it, eating it, and the fierce hangovers are all consequences of indulging in this gateway drug. Based on studies, catnip dabbling has led to the use and abuse of: the Amaryllis (a.k.a. The Devil's Temptation), the Easter Lily (a.k.a. Peter Cottontail's Revenge) and the Poinsettia (a.k.a. Ho-Ho-Holy Hell). If you use catnip, beware. If you think you have issues with it, tell a teacher, parent or trusted adult. If you have sworn off it, but still have a stash, call me. I'll thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  7. DANGERS OF VACUUMS AND HAIR DRYERS.
    Kukka: "While there is no scientific research that supports my our irrational fears of vacuums or hair dryers, they are dangerous...DANGEROUS! When they start up, run. Run like you've never run before! Hide under the bed. Hide behind the couch. Just, for the love of Pete, RUN! You will thank yourself for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  8. BITING THE VET.
    Kukka: "You are sitting peacefully in your favorite chair. Suddenly, you are swooped up and stuffed into a cage. The next thing you know, you are crouched on a metal table and a gloved finger is poking in...I can't even talk about it. You are tempted to bite, but you shouldn't. It's not the vet's fault he has to stick you with a finger or, worse, needle! It's just his job to help keep you healthy and hap...forget it. Bite and scratch the hell out of any body part you can reach! Your safety is your main concern and you will thank yourself for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  9. FELINE OBESITY.
    Kukka: "Feline obesity has reached staggering levels. I'm just guessing, but there are eleventy-squillion cats in the world who battle the bulge. I know you want to eat your weight in treats. Do it. The key is wearing an outfit that cleverly disguises your 'trouble areas.' Loose-fitting dresses, two pair of control top panty hose and brightly-colored muumuus are great options for opulent felines. Your self-esteem will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  10. SITTING TOO CLOSELY TO THE TELEVISION.
    Kukka: "I know you like to watch your favorite soap opera, reality show or sit-com. It's natural! Sitting too closely to the television can be dangerous, though. The number of 'Crazy-Eye Syndrome,' or 'CES,' cases have risen 100% since some guy invented the condition 2 years ago. You should sit no more than 4 inches from the screen at any time. If you insist upon sitting closer, you should at least watch for the 6 'CES' prescription commercials that air each hour. Your eyes will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  11. SMOKING.
    Kukka: "Smoking is cool. It makes you look super-sexy. Not only does it make your lungs nice and gray, it strengthens your heart and makes your fur nice and shiny. Yes, you may shorten your life by a few years, but trust me; it will be difficult to see the Grim Reaper through the cloud of smoke that is constantly around you. Smoke it up! Your body will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  12. FIGHTING.
    Kukka: "Everyone gets into fights. When someone crosses you, what other alternative do you have than kicking them in the junk with all four paws? While fighting is encouraged, it's important to know the risks. It's all fun and games until, as you scratch someone's eyes out, your fur gets mussed. Stop fighting? Hell no! Wear a crapload of hairspray to form a sort of fur-helmet. Not only will you keep your coif spiffy, you can also use the hairspray residue to your advantage by licking your paw, wiping it across your fur and wiping the residue in your opponent's eyes. Hairspray. Your fur will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  13. HUNTING SAFETY.
    Kukka: "We all hunt. Some hunt outside. Others hunt at the window. When you are leaping, repeatedly, at the wall in pursuit of the moth who is taunting you, take a look at your surroundings. Are you at risk? The answer is YES. Should you stop hunting? No. The answer is to wear orange and carry a gun, knife, or bow and quiver of arrows. Your humans are probably going to complain about the holes in the wall and furniture, but isn't your safety more important than decor? Safety. Your prey will not thank you for it, but it will still be worth it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


17 comments:

Carmen said...

kukka, your blog should have a warning on it. "Do not read while drinking" I now have milk up my nose and it's all your fault. :)

And vaccuum cleaners can suck cats up into the clear container, so we can watch you spin round and round.

It also occurred to me that I would like to know your agent's actual name, if that's ok. :)

Kukka-Maria said...

I believe her first name is "Courtney," but I think she will deny that, if asked.

I just call her "Servant."

By the way, I've heard it said the ONLY way to read my blog is when you're drinking... alcohol.

Cheysuli said...

Excellent post Kukka Maria.

The Meezers said...

Kukka - I readed all this and I thought - well Miles, you should start smoking then. So I lited up a ciggy, and burned my furs on my chin, and then mommy camed downstairs while I was sitting on the couch smoking, and she hadded a FIT. Are you shur that smoking is good for you? - Miles

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

I'm going to post #3 on the wall next to our litterbox. Someone in this family, and I'm not saying who, needs to pay attention and COVER PLEASE!

George

kailani said...

Hmmm . . . I'm not so sure I want to know!

For some reason, Kaimana always has to go into the litter box AFTER stepping into the running bath water. You betcha' I'm chasing him with a hair dryer!

Chortles said...

Kukka,
You have done a wonderful service to cats everywhere with your public service announcements. Thank you!

Susan said...

Kukka you inspired me! I'm a TTer now! as soon as I get Sam and Lucy's blog up and running they'll probably be at it also.. in the meantime I loved your psa's -- the farting Lucy has already taken to heart as a great idea and hopefully we will get Sam to take your advice on poop burying.. purrs!

Chaotic Cat said...

Kukka you are the funniest cat I have ever read ... thank you for these psa's ... I can tell you #1 is for sure right ... from experience!!!

Renee said...

I have to argue with you on the breastfeeding PSA Kukka. It is NOT breastfeeding that causes saggy boobs...pregnancy and getting old causes breast to sag. So if you've had the kittens, you might as well nurse them and spend all the formula cash on yourself for something pretty! Like maybe a nice Wonderbra. :D

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, Miles...I should have mentioned, by law, you must be 18 to smoke. That's probably why your mom threw a fit!

You're still cool without the smoking. Some cats need that extra kick to make them cool.

Zeus said...

Number 11 seems like something my human pet might wish to hear. Perhaps then she won't be so angry anymore as she attempts to cut back and quit.

DEBRA said...

Thanks for the giggles this morning Kukka!

*ABBY*

Sparky Duck said...

Im so glad we have someone like Kiki looking out for us

The Mitz said...

Wow, great advice oh Royal One!!! I wish you could offer me some specific help for my latest conundrum...stop by and see OK!!!

Meowmie says, she LOL'd a LOT!!! You are suppose to tell your agent.

Headbonks and Huggs, The Mitz

Dane Bramage said...

I feel much more enlightened now! Thanks Kukka! Great list! If you get a chance my Thursday Thirteen #15 "Repeat Real Me Edition".

NOLADawn said...

Kukka, You are such a wise woman!! I will pass you perils of wisdom on to Charlie and Hugo...