Friday, October 27, 2006

Who is the Poop in the Scoop Contest?

Ladies, gentlemen, and those of you who fit in neither category (because of breeding or behavior)'s time to announce the winner of the Scoop the Tabloids Contest!

As you know, the winner of the contest may or may not yield multiple offers of employment from esteemed tabloid magazines and they may or may not be featured on such illustrious shows as Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, E! News Daily, etc. They may or may not be invited to interview celebrities at red carpet events and they may or may not become BFFs with Brangelina (I'm leaning toward the may not on this one).

Regardless of the superfluous "perks," the winner of the contest WILL receive international acclaim on this blog (read by squillions world-wide) and WILL receive his or her choice of one custom-tailored (or off-the-shelf) Kukka Couture tee-shirt.

Before we get to the big announcement, I have to take a moment to thank our committee of celebrity judges:
  • Carrot Top (Prop Comedian, who will be performing at The Giggle Barn this coming weekend in Valley City, ND).
  • Donny Osmond (Who is, reportedly, a "little bit rock-and-roll").
  • Barry Williams (Former Brady Bunch heart-throb, Greg, who also penned the book "Growing Up Brady." Which, embarrassingly, sits on my agent's bookshelf.).
  • Mindy Cohn (Facts of Life's Natalie, who doesn't even understand why she was included).
  • Charo (coochie-coochie).
A special "thank-you" goes out to Brian Pitt (Brad's older, and far more successful, brother. A highly-regarded accountant and part-time realtor, he is super-sexier than Brad.) for tabulating the votes and authenticating the results.

Without further ado, let's go to commercial!

(Did you really think I would pull a Seacrest like that?)

The person taking home the goods this round is...
Carmen from Gone to Plaid!

Carmen's disturbing speculation of the real reason for my absence was supported by some even more disturbing photos. Her article, titled "Botox or Detox?", made our panel laugh, cry and throw up in their mouths a little bit.
"Is Kukka-Marie secretly having BOTOX? This picture was "taken" hours after Kukka landed in Minneapolis, where Kukka checked in under the assumed name "Suzanne Somers" at a posh "resort" that doesn't show up on any searches at Things that make this writer go hmmmm."
Suzanne Somers...snort.

Carmen, please contact me to discuss details about claiming your due reward!

Now, I'd like to take a moment to thank the other contestants who submitted stellar stories. While I pled with the committee to reward you all with Kukka Couture, they reminded me that if I were to do so, my overhead would be through the roof and I would have less money to spend on myself.

That ain't happening.

Special thanks to the other contributors:
  • Samantha, at Mommy Needs a Mai-Tai. Not only did she write a wonderful and very complimentary piece about how amazing I am, she also divulged I was sporting a bursting belly, full of kittens and was being sent to a home for "wayward cat momma's." Nice.
  • KitKatKnit, who supplied two entries. The first was an expose about the rivalry between Dame Judi Dench and I called, "Empress Kukka-Maria Gets Hissy, Dame Judi Gets All Pissy." The second was a look into allegations that I am starring in the new chapter of "Pirates of the Caribbean," titled, "Pirates of the St. Paul River." While I am contractually obligated to stay mum about this, I am always thrilled to read about me making out with Johnny Depp.
  • Miles Meezer, who dished on a drunk dial I made to him. Miles, is nothing sacred between us? I don't want the other members of the Tomcat Stable getting jealous...
  • Gemini, who shared details of my international adoption. While she eluded to the fact that I was acquiring a Thai baby merely for status, and had almost immediately abandoned the child in Brach's care so I could attend my conference, I am glad she did properly quote me. Fortunately, the hype around the Madonna/David adoption overshadowed this article and I was able to sneak under the radar...for now.
  • Zeus, who delved into the dark side of our relationship. The walk down Memory Lane that included tequila, Oprah, wool mittens, and paparazzi was a delight. Sorry about dominating you too much. I thought you were tougher than that, Zeus! He also wrote about our experimentations with S&M. That will teach you to ignore me during your Amazing Zeus adventures! Spank! Spank!
  • Cheysuli, who exposed my "questionable" emails to a young, male cat. Thankfully, she failed to discuss the "questionable" emails I sent to Congressman Mark Foley!
  • Jacob the Syrian Hamster, revered member of The Feline Theocracy, who refrained from scooping to legally protect himself from a libel suit. Jacob, I secretly think you didn't dish because you love me...
  • Amanuensis (under the pen-name Angelique), guardian of Aloysius Katz, spoke of a crazy romp with Darcy Xenophon, world traveler. I have to say that memories of us at Aunt Hattie's both haunt and excite me still! Alcohol and a sexy meezer get me every time!
  • Sparky, who channeled Chris Meowthews. Chris, during a press conference, dispelled several rumors swarming about. I will not be running for Minnesotan Senator. I did not slander the true candidates vying for Senator, representing the great state of Minnesota. I will not be making Iams, nor Purina, mandatory for all Minnesotan cats. Yes, they are tasty, but I am pro-choice on all food issues. Finally, I did not publicly criticize the citizens of Minnesota for voting Jesse Ventura, renowned wrestler, into the office of Governor. Publicly.
  • One of the rats at Poi Rats, Cats and Bun, who suggested that my bi-polar condition caused me to don stilettos and woo a rat. In a romantic trip to his native Hawaii, he spoke of how I got lost in his beady eyes and we ended up swimming, drunk, in the ocean. After our subsequent arrest, I used my one phone call to order a hot bath at a luxury hotel, while he called his mom to bail him out. Despite our passion, it was merely a magical one-night-stand. But aren't one-night-stands full of wonderful memories?
  • Derby, an old and dear friend, who scooped my drunken tirade at his party. Sloshed from Catniptinis and Bloody Kukkas, I must have made a complete ass of myself before passing out next to the blender. What fun I must have [created] missed from that bash! So sorry, Derby, for disrupting your get-together with my drunken exhibition. I did keep my multiple nipples under wraps, right? Crap...
  • Simba, who told the sad tale of me abandoning my alleged birth-mother, broke my heart. While I do have the royal decree that proves my tie to Charles Agustus Poodly Dolfus William Henry Isaac Newton Smith (my birth father) and Willow Danae (my birth mother), it breaks my heart that Sunshine believed I was one of her litter and shunned her like that. If I had known her heartache, I surely would have sent her money or given her a shout-out from the red carpet. That's how I roll. May the sweet Sunshine rest in peace.

You guys were quite the reporters! After reading about my extreme alcohol consumption, I'm going to have to take a look at it. And by "taking a look at it," of course I mean looking at installing a wet bar at my house so I can indulge privately.

Thank you to all who contributed. We're going to have to do this again sometime! I'll bet the tabloid media is steaming that you all scooped them and that they'll have to work harder at getting the goods on me!

Suck it, tabloids.


The Meezers said...

concatulations to Carmen. Kukka, you can drunk dial me anytime!- Miles

Gemini said...

Oh Carmen had a great story! Alas, now I will have to wait til Momma has money to get my Kukka shirt!

BTW-Momma reuploaded Chey's main site and it seems to be clear now--something tried to download on her computer too. Later she will try with the PC just to make sure.

Darcy X said...

Yo, Kukka!

I dig you, baby. Did you know what the other definition of a meezer is? Check it out in the Urban Dictionary.



Kukka-Maria said...

OMG, Darcy! Hilarious! Now there is a tabloid story if I've ever heard one!

Simba said...

Dear Kukka,
Thank you for acknowledging my entry. When I read your blog earlier today, I did not see it mentioned and was afraid you had not received the email. Since I do not have a blog yet, I could not post it on a blog.
How curious that you seem to have had 2 mothers. I wonder if there was some sort of surrogacy thing going on perhaps. Curioser and curioser.
You do have to admit she looked a LOT like you!!!

Carmen said...

Did i tell you that ryan seacrest saw my story and asked me to be on "interview with ryan seacrest?" And the STAR offered me a job, but they couldn't pay me enough to tattle on you, Kukka!

thank you so much for acknowledging my late-night ramblings. :)

Jacob the Syrian Hamster said...

Way to go, Carmen!

Of course I love you, Kukka. Who doesn't?

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, Simba! I am so sorry I overlooked you earlier! Your entry has been sitting in my inbox so I wouldn't forget you--and then I did.

I'm glad you came back to see it. And, yes. Sunshine looks a lot like me (or should I say I look a lot like her).

Princess Zipporah (Zippy) said...

I would have written about that great night we had in Vegas but I was so drunk I couldn't remember any of it.

Zeus said...

Congratulations, Carmen! You deserve it!

Renee said...

My dumb dog ran you off so I really didn't have much of a story...

The Empress Kukka-Maria tries to visit Fefyfomanna and gets run off by a dog. story. Sorry.

But I loved Carmen's story and she'll look so great in her "Free Kukka" shirt...or which ever one she chooses.

Perhaps the "what do you think about me?" shirt?

Anonymous said...

I would have chosen the "what do you think about me" shirt if I had won. All the shirts are cool, but that one makes me smile every time I read it.

one of us said...

Con cat ulations Carmen on winning the scoop the poop contest. You did a great story. Who was your info from? Way to go Kukka on your "conference" ~Ford Prefectrat

Samantha said...

WOOHOO Carmen :)
Kukka, I'm glad your back :)

brandywine said...

I apologize for not "scooping some poop" on you Kukka, I held back on advice from counsel. There were many a yarn I could've spun, but thougth not due to self incrimination. I looked at miles of security video reliving some very touchy moments (some more literally than others) and even read a few police reports that I was going to turn into a "...I know this friend who..." story, but some of the actions had "The Empress Kukka-Maria" stamped all over them in big red letters. (I also had problems translating some of the reports from St. Tropez...I think that was the embarassing multi nipple fiasco) I'll try sometime to clean up some of the details and put together a co-authored "tell all" book to raise money to send Brach to one of his "Ginger cat summer camps" More on that later. Cheers

kailani said...

I love that photo that Carmen posted of you. BTW, what shade of lipstick was that? Very becomming!

Chaotic Mom said...

Damn, you're a good writer. our in W. Michigan? My pop came from Holland.

I'm hooked. Love your blog.