Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The Battle of the Bitches Brews On!

Associated Press (AP): It appears the notorious hostility between two of the most powerful women in media has resurfaced. Oprah Winfrey and Empress Kukka-Maria are waging another emotionally abusive battle in the ongoing war many are calling "The Battle of the Bitches."

This week, Oprah presented debit cards in the amount of $1,000 to her entire studio audience.

"Oh. My. Gawd! Oprah is the QUEEN!" shouted one audience member, vigorously pumping her fists in the air. "She has no freakin' idea what this $1,000 will mean to me and my family! I've been standing outside this studio for three days, trying to get tickets to her show. Because of this, I have missed my Pilates class, a hair appointment, and an acupuncture session! All these people expect to be paid whether I show up or not. This $1,000 gift from Oprah will keep me from having to dip into my $5,000 weekly allowance for 'incidentals.' WHOOOOOO!"

Another audience member, listless from having fainted dead-away after receiving her $1,000, whispered her reaction, "Oprah...glorious angel...money...Oprah...the second coming...Oprah." As a tearful young woman mopped the failing woman's brow, she explained, "My mother was fleeced of $842 (+ shipping/handling) on eBay, when she bought what she believed to be a pair of Manolo Blahnik stilettos. She cried for three days when a pair of Man-hole-o Blanks showed up at her door. I'm glad to see Oprah acknowledge the struggles of the elderly. What is a fixed-income, if not an opportunity to fill your closet with designer shoes! THANK YOU, OPRAH!"

The women of the audience danced, shouted, clapped, screamed and humped their seats as though they were 13-year-old girls who just received word from a friend of a friend of a friend that the cutest boy in school may...MAY know who they are! "WHOOOOOOO! OPRAH WE LOVE YOU!" This display went on for about 20 minutes with no apparent regard for self-respect, poise or decibels. The only thing that would bring these women back to reality is the booming voice of their money-laden maharishi.

"THAT'S RIGHT, EV-ER-Y-BO-DY! $1,000 to be used however you want! You can choose a single charity! You can split it up between SEVERAL charities! You can give it all to one person or you can give $1 to 1000 people! THE POSSIBILITIES ARE END-LESS PEO-PLE!!!!!"

The audience grew immediately silent. Everyone, except an enthusiastic woman in the back row, who had ripped off her top and was dancing around with her shirt hanging from her head like hair. Only she did not hear the "charity" bomb drop.

"What the [expletive]? What did you just say, Oprah? CHARITY? We have to give this [expletive] away?" shouted a slightly infuriated fan in the front row as she began pacing back and forth in the aisle. "Are you telling me I have to turn around and give this [expletive] away? You mother-[expletive]ing [expletive]!"

As the distressed audience member was eagerly invited to leave the studio, Oprah continued, "Don't forget the best part! You are also receiving Sony DVD recorders to film your charitable works for a future show!"

Fueling rumors that their on-again/off-again friendship may have hit another off-again swing, Kukka-Maria has released the following statement in response to the debit card debacle:

"It's a crying shame Oprah's plan was so ineffective! While she hates to admit it, people don't go to her show to learn about hardship and how to help those who are struggling! They pray for weeks that the show they attend is the Oprah's Favorite Things episode and they'll walk out with thousands of dollars worth of swag! They've seen that bitch hand out car keys to every person in the audience! They want Oprah to do charitable things with her money, not with the money she gives to them!"

It is speculated that Auto-Gate 2004 was the beginning of the roller-coaster end for the friendship once lovingly referred to as "Oprukka." Just days before the car giveaway on Oprah's show, Kukka-Maria had announced the largest litter box gift the world had ever known. "YOU get a litter box! AND YOU get a litter box!" she yelled to a gleefully screaming, standing-room-only studio. Pointing her paws and waving a scooper in all directions, she looked straight into the camera, winked and grinned, "THAT'S RIGHT, AMERICA! EVEN YOU GET A LITTER BOX!"

Only hours after Oprah's car giveaway episode preempted Kukka's litter box extravaganza, The Empress told E! Entertainment news, "I never thought she would stoop so low as to one-up me--before my show even aired! My litter box giveaway was progressive. It was inspirational. But she had to go and give away cars. That bitch is dead to me."

In the wake of Oprah's latest debit card initiative, Kukka is making some aggressive plans to get her just revenge on Ms. Winfrey.

"Let's just say I have my accountants packing debit cards with $1,001 as we speak. There will be no stipulation on how the money is spent." Pausing to cackle, Kukka gasps and continues. "Wait! No one can buy anything on or in which Oprah's name or image appears. Also, you can't buy things and give them to Oprah. That would just be stupid. Otherwise, spend away! And that extra dollar? That is just proof I love you more than Oprah loves you."

As for the audience members who are supposed to film their charity work for a future Oprah show? Kukka has some creative suggestions. "Let's just say I've heard Oprah has always wanted to do a feature on middle fingers. Perhaps the audience should give her some finger footage she can use on that show! Flip her off! Give her the bird! Can you imagine how excited she'll be when she receives hundreds of DVDs filled with finger-flippin' goodness? Hours of footage!"

Ah, Empress...as long as the depth of true love is measured in passive-aggressive turmoil and emotional bruises, we are confident you will always come out on top!

13 comments:

Carmen said...

oh man, you mean I was watching Oprah's show when I could've been attending Kukka's show and won a litterbox! And Pooh so needed a new litterbox, too. He doesn't have a job, you know, so he can't afford a new one.

Rascal said...

Kukka, what a life you lead. Oprah doesn't stand a chance. Oh, BTW, Wendy directed me here today.

drama mama said...

I gave up on Oprah after she got skinny (again). It's just not the same. She is always flipping her hair and preening herself. I can't stand it!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

This is a new low for Oprah. Will she stop at nothing to outdo you?

Latte said...

Seriously, who would love Oprah more than the Empress? I mean at least Kukka actually understands human nature!

Renee said...

How do we get tickets to be in your audience to get the debit cards???? :D

I haven't watched Oprah for years. I only watch you Empress Kukka.

Domestic Goddess said...

oh my gosh, you are too funny.

Anonymous said...

I think I heard the winners on Oprah are allowed to give their money to anybody but not a relative. Silly humans have not worked out they can just "exchange" their winnings with another person in the audience (or maybe they were told not to do that?).

Gemini said...

Oh what kind of litter box was it?! I wold have loved that. Much better than a car. I hate cars.

Anonymous said...

Gemini,
Your comment about a litterbox vs a car is quite profound. I beleive many readers here would agree with you.

brandywine said...

Kukka, You could've been like Oprah with your litterbox giveaway, but who would want someone catching that "duty" on DVD. I'd use her debit card and pick one hundred causes to donate towards...and get their "I have to look gracious,....but what a cheap F**k" look they'd maintain for the Oprah show. It's not even close, Kukka beats Oprah like rock beats scissors, like cops beat hippies, like Ringo beats drums! (and your figure stays steadily sassy!)

Zeus said...

Personally, I think that you have the $1001 debit cards go toward cats everywhere. I definitely think that will show people that you care more than Oprah while being self-serving at the same time.

Simba said...

I just clicked over to Kailani's page and then to Zeus' Halloween costume - everybody must take a look!