Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Feline Empress Takes to Her Bed

Associated Press (AP): In what some are describing as a "pathetic publicity stunt," and others "a desperate cry for help," Empress Kukka-Maria has taken to her bed with what her agent is calling "exhaustion."

"She was looking very lethargic," explains her Agent in a telephone interview. "I thought it was her typical drama or another attempt at drawing all the attention to her, so I ignored it. The melodramatic sighs, wretched whining and weak fluttering of the eyelids were not enough for me to think this was real." Sniffling into the phone, her Agent continues, "Boy, was I wrong!"

Upon hearing the news of The Empress' circumstances, celebrities have come forward in droves to show their support for the blogging feline and super-sexy star. Crowds have lit candles, prayed, sang and hugged in the Empress' driveway for the last 24 hours, waiting for a chance to lay eyes on the sleeping cat.

The newest celebrity hybrid, Paritney, stopped upstaging one another in singing "She Shall Overcome" long enough to express warm-wishes to The Empress.

"We are proud to come and support Empress Kukka-Maria in her time of need," shouted Paris Hilton, pausing only to take a swig of Red Bull.

"Y'all..." Britney Spears continued, holding desperately to a bouquet of obviously-recycled "CONGRATS ON YOUR DIVORCE" balloons, "Kukka has been there for me through thick, thin, and Federline. I've got that bitch's back!"

Even representatives and publicists for several celebrity babies offer support for Kukka on behalf of their linguistically challenged infant clients.

XANTOG 5000, representative for Suri Cruise, offers this, "My client, Suri, would like to say BLAH...GURP...BINKO, which every good Scientologist knows is Alien for GET WELL, KUKKA."

Maria Consuela Rodriguez, nanny for Sean Preston Federline, explains, "¡Britney está loco! She know nothing about baby! She almost kill baby every day. Sean Pressssson's first words were 'NO BEBES MÁS TEQUILA, MAMA!' That bitch crazy!"

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt offered this written statement: "I wish Kukka-Maria the best of everything. I have a greater concern right now, though. Where the hell do I live? Do I have a permanent home somewhere or should I expect to be dragged from one end of the third-world to the next? I'm just sayin'..."

Early reports of Kukka's exhaustive condition surfaced over the weekend, but were attributed to her over-indulging in the Thanksgiving feast. "I just thought it was a Tryptophan coma," explains her brother, Brach. "I figured she would take a long nap, giving the rest of us some peace and quiet, then bounce right back to her obnoxious self in no time! I never thought she would stretch the drama out for a few extra days."

Critics speculate this over-inflated drama around Kukka-Maria's condition is designed to distract the public from the real issue.

"She's either hiding a pregnancy, entering rehab, or having work done," explains plastic surgery insider and US Weekly Health Reporter, Sheila Burns. "What a clever way of keeping the press from the real issue! She gives them something they perceive as juicy, so they won't ask questions about the real concerns, like why her multiple nipples seem to have increased by at least a cup size each. OR why the crow's feet around her deliciously almond-shaped eyes are suddenly smooth. It's clear she's not going to touch the saggy belly; it's her trademark. But, keep an eye on the rest of her body. Her claims of exhaustion are a huge cover-up and US Weekly intends to expose it."

[Editor's note: If US Weekly really wanted to expose it, why would you grant an interview to the Associated Press? Ah, Sheila...so much to learn!]

Secret pregnancy? A trip to rehab? A nip here and a tuck there? No matter the reason, it is clear Empress Kukka-Maria needs a bit of attention rest and relaxation.

According to her Agent, well-wishes and regards can be left for Kukka-Maria in the comments section on her blog.


The Tower Hill Mob said...

Kukka, I've admired you and your agent for some now, but you're nearly as over-exposed as Rachel Ray. Give it up, girl and let the fame go. You're bigger than than that shallow celebrity lifestyle you pretend to love.

Kukka-Maria said...


Renee said...

I'm thinking perhaps it's a combo of turkey and winter depression...or maybe it's the whole Christmas/birthday combo controversy at http://lillyput.blogspot.com ?

Feel better soon and stop knicking the tequillia.

Carmen said...

Kukka, I've just lit a candle for you myself. Wake up soon! :)

Anonymous said...

I don't know what all the fuss is about. You sound like you live a hectic celebrity life-style. Who WOULDN'T need a good long nap every now and then to recover (I mean above and beyond the usually 20+ naps a day kitties need)? I'm just a model, and pin-up for teenage girl cats, but you should experience the long naps I have to take after working!!

Zeus is my reason for the season!

Anonymous said...

That trytophan can kick your butt good! Get wll rested and come back to us with your wonderful attitude soon!

Kukka-Maria said...


kattonic said...

Princess Ziporah and I understand your need for rest. Being an adorable cat is exhausting enough without adding super sexy to the mix.

Zeus said...

I know what the real problem is. I have been neglect in my tomcat duties, and that is simply because I misunderstood the schedule. Is it still:

Miles Mondays?
Buddilicious Tuesdays?
William Squilliam Wednesdays?
Tantalizing Xavier Xhursdays?
Zeus No Excuse Fridays?

Please let me know if I have misinterpreted as I know your voracious appetite for good lovin' is insatiable.

Cheysuli said...

I think Zeus has just cleared up the real problem Kukka. Or maybe it's that there is no young stud in your stable right now?

PS. I never had an affair with Rutherford B. Hayes. How old do you think I am?!

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Best wishes on your recovery Kukka. Or should we say "did you enjoy your nap?". Whatever, hope to see you around the blogosphere soon!

The Meezers said...

Kukka (and Zeusie and all of the ofurr Tom Cats) - Maybe all of us Tom Cats needs to get togefurr as a group and gif you lots of 'tenshun and luvs. - Miles

Anonymous said...

Oh, Empress ... Say it isn't so! I'll light a candle and say a purrayer for your quick rebound from "exhaustion." As a feline who can spell "doctor," I recommend a spa day with a mani-pedi and a pitcher of margaritas ... If not that, some 'nip and a free-for-all with the tomcat stable. Meeee-ooowwwwwzers!
DaisyMae Maus

Anonymous said...

Kukka, whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE meezers suggestion for the "kitty" gangbang! LOL You will need an even longer nap! *sending some positive energy to our Empress Kukka*

Sparky Duck said...

Kittie E Cat is forwarding Kleenex and catnip, a healthy dose of something that should help