"She was looking very lethargic," explains her Agent in a telephone interview. "I thought it was her typical drama or another attempt at drawing all the attention to her, so I ignored it. The melodramatic sighs, wretched whining and weak fluttering of the eyelids were not enough for me to think this was real." Sniffling into the phone, her Agent continues, "Boy, was I wrong!"
Upon hearing the news of The Empress' circumstances, celebrities have come forward in droves to show their support for the blogging feline and super-sexy star. Crowds have lit candles, prayed, sang and hugged in the Empress' driveway for the last 24 hours, waiting for a chance to lay eyes on the sleeping cat.
The newest celebrity hybrid, Paritney, stopped upstaging one another in singing "She Shall Overcome" long enough to express warm-wishes to The Empress.
"We are proud to come and support Empress Kukka-Maria in her time of need," shouted Paris Hilton, pausing only to take a swig of Red Bull.
"Y'all..." Britney Spears continued, holding desperately to a bouquet of obviously-recycled "CONGRATS ON YOUR DIVORCE" balloons, "Kukka has been there for me through thick, thin, and Federline. I've got that bitch's back!"
Even representatives and publicists for several celebrity babies offer support for Kukka on behalf of their linguistically challenged infant clients.
XANTOG 5000, representative for Suri Cruise, offers this, "My client, Suri, would like to say BLAH...GURP...BINKO, which every good Scientologist knows is Alien for GET WELL, KUKKA."
Maria Consuela Rodriguez, nanny for Sean Preston Federline, explains, "¡Britney está loco! She know nothing about baby! She almost kill baby every day. Sean Pressssson's first words were 'NO BEBES MÁS TEQUILA, MAMA!' That bitch crazy!"
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt offered this written statement: "I wish Kukka-Maria the best of everything. I have a greater concern right now, though. Where the hell do I live? Do I have a permanent home somewhere or should I expect to be dragged from one end of the third-world to the next? I'm just sayin'..."
Early reports of Kukka's exhaustive condition surfaced over the weekend, but were attributed to her over-indulging in the Thanksgiving feast. "I just thought it was a Tryptophan coma," explains her brother, Brach. "I figured she would take a long nap, giving the rest of us some peace and quiet, then bounce right back to her obnoxious self in no time! I never thought she would stretch the drama out for a few extra days."
Critics speculate this over-inflated drama around Kukka-Maria's condition is designed to distract the public from the real issue.
"She's either hiding a pregnancy, entering rehab, or having work done," explains plastic surgery insider and US Weekly Health Reporter, Sheila Burns. "What a clever way of keeping the press from the real issue! She gives them something they perceive as juicy, so they won't ask questions about the real concerns, like why her multiple nipples seem to have increased by at least a cup size each. OR why the crow's feet around her deliciously almond-shaped eyes are suddenly smooth. It's clear she's not going to touch the saggy belly; it's her trademark. But, keep an eye on the rest of her body. Her claims of exhaustion are a huge cover-up and US Weekly intends to expose it."
[Editor's note: If US Weekly really wanted to expose it, why would you grant an interview to the Associated Press? Ah, Sheila...so much to learn!]
Secret pregnancy? A trip to rehab? A nip here and a tuck there? No matter the reason, it is clear Empress Kukka-Maria needs a bit of
According to her Agent, well-wishes and regards can be left for Kukka-Maria in the comments section on her blog.