Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Forced Open Letter to Ty Pennington wherein I apologize for fabricating and/or exaggerating physical ailments to get on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Dear Sexy Carpenter-Man,

It is with a heavy heart (and an angry agent looking over my shoulder) that I offer a sincere apology for my recent behavior. I never wanted to hurt you or discredit the show. My intentions were pure: I wanted to get a bunch of amazing home improvements done to my house at absolutely no cost to me.

Since Britney's divorce slumber party, our house has not been the same. It's always easy to tell when Brit has made a visit to our house. From the cigarette burns on the furniture, to the Red Bull stains on the carpet. From the Cheeto dust on every horizontal surface, to the thick cloud of Curious perfume. Ty, I was desperate for your help!

I do acknowledge, though, that I may have been wrong in my approach. Please allow me to apologize, from the bottom of my pea-sized, stone-cold heart for the following:

  • Listing over 32 false physical and mental ailments on my Extreme Makeover: Home Edition application. In hindsight, two or three believable diseases would have done the trick.
  • Pinching your butt every time you turned your back to me and blaming it on my "Grab-Ass Tourette Syndrome."
  • Outing Michael Moloney on Day 2. I'm sorry, but you guys didn't know?
  • Insisting you sit on my lap in my awesome (but not necessary) wheelchair as I gave you rides around the neighborhood.
  • Giving you a four-hour tongue bath (although, I can hardly be blamed it took so long to get your stubborn hair to lie down).
  • Correcting you, on camera, when you called my bowels "irritable." I suppose farting in your face and saying they were more "pissed off" than "irritable," was a tad inappropriate.
  • Screaming "Ty Pennington makes my multiple nipples throb!" I guess I can see how it may have embarrassed you in front of the cast and crew.
  • Lying to your producers when I told them "rubbing against Ty Pennington's crotch" was an uncontrollable side-effect of my anti-anxiety medication.
  • Causing Paige Hemmis to receive multiple stitches in her cheek. When I batted at her face with my claws, it wasn't to hurt her, but to help her take those hideous braids out of her hair. What is she...six years old?
  • Asking that your "special project for the week" be giving me Ty Pennington babies. How were you to know that the hours we would spend in a heated embrace would end up fruitless because I had been spayed? I sure wasn't going to tell you...
  • Tattooing "I HEART KUKKA" on your chest as you slept.
  • Giving you a roofie and taking those questionable photos of us that I am still considering posting on my blog.

Considering I was such a pain in the ass, I do want to take a moment to thank you for the amazing things you did to our house:

  • I've always wanted my own Licking Room. It's nice to know I have a safe and private place in which to lick my nether-regions. Mounting those huge tongues on the wall--ingenious! I'm glad I can now take "Chronic Tongue Sprains" off of my list o' conditions.
  • My agent thanks you for the Shedding Room. The walls and floor, covered with a sticky surface, will be great for trapping loose fur and keeping it off of her clothes. (For the record: To spite my agent, I don't intend to enter that room...ever.)
  • Brach's Panic Room is his favorite. He has locked himself in there since the moment you left and refuses to leave. Come to think of it, I am very appreciative of that room, too. Keeps the little guy out of my fur!
  • The Gold Litter House is great. Who would have thought a gold-plated litter box would be a good idea? It makes sense for an Empress, but I never would have thought of it. The jeweled scoop was a bit much, though.
  • The elaborate pantry filled with delightful feline cuisine is to die for! Now if you had only put the doorknob within my reach...

In conclusion, Mr. Pennington, I am sorry for being a selfish and thoughtless cat. I hope this won't be a permanent scar on our blossoming relationship.

With highest regards and tongue kisses,
The Empress


Kelly Cat said...

I hope it wasn't ABC that forced you to write this apology. They put him in that position -- don't they ever check sources before green-lighting an episode?

Or was it your human who made you do this public penance? Hmpf -- it sounds like jealousy to me just because Ty preferred you to her.

Life ain't fair...

brandywine said...

You leave those braids alone Kukka! I happen to like them....and any girl in a tool belt is always a plus. (...on the Moloney thing,...uh..yeah...) Ty did nothing special for you agent? Can they take any of this back? How would it look taking an Empress to court? Judge Judy awaits.

Badness said...

oh Empress, what a wild life you lead!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

My goodness Kukka, when I read the previous post about you being prostate with exhaustion, I was quite worried. But I see you've recovered nicely.

Now, can you get Ty to do makeovers of all your friends houses?

Sparky Duck said...

Im just thankful you left Paul DiMeo alone

The Meezers said...

see if you can gets Ty to do a makofurr on our house. we need more staircases. - Miles

Gemini said...

Oh can I get a home makeover too? I have some rooms I would like!

Cheysuli said...

Kukka-Maria, Aloysius has posted about a cat who is getting the cat of the year award. I can't believe that it wasn't you!

Carmen said...

Kukka, you can't be held responsible for your actions. Ty is just lickable. You can't be expected to control yourself when he's around. :)

Zeus said...

You know, if they ended up doing all of that to your house anyhow, I don't see why you owed them an apology! You should have sent them a thank you note!

I do admit, however, to being a bit jealous at all of the physical interaction between you and Ty. However, I know I am only the Friday man, and I need to respect that.

Anonymous said...

Hmmph, I would have acted exactly the same way!