Monday, November 13, 2006

How Do I Look?

I'm so depressed.

I spent the weekend watching make-over shows, realizing I may not be as glamorous as I think I am, and sobbing uncontrollably into my appletini(s).

I mean, everyone who is featured on shows like, "What Not to Wear" and "Ambush Makeover" believes they are super-sexy. They have hand-picked their ridiculously unattractive clothing and have meticulously styled their over-processed and dated hair. They have no clue how repulsive they truly are.

No clue, that is, until they are walking down the street, minding their own business, when a huge camera crew and a host with blinding white teeth runs up to them and says, "You look like shit! Come with us! We can make you look less offensive!"

Could I, too, have a blind-spot? I mean, I think we can all agree I am super-sexy. But, is it possible I could be super-sexier? Is it possible I could be the target of a secret style intervention?

My agent had a sit-down with me yesterday. She made some strong arguments for me to consider being made-over:
  • "Kukka, you have had the same hair style your entire life! Don't you think it's time for a change?"
  • "With all due respect, Empress, your make-up tends to be a little heavy for a respectable cat...or are you a prostitute? I mean, if you're a whore...carry on!"
  • "I've seen you in your muumuu. Do you seriously think you are thin enough to pull something like that off, dear kitty?"
  • "You know I mean this in the nicest way, Kukka-Maria, but you do have quite an excessive amount of facial hair for a chick. Yes, I know you're a cat, but still..."
  • "You know I'm not judging you, but have you seen the abdominal flab you tote with you? It flops to and fro when you run. And, while we're being honest here, the only time you run is when I shake the treat container. Perhaps some cardio and weight training could help you address...how do I put this nicely...the gruesome blob of goo that is your body."

I get it. I'm hideous.
I'M A MONSTER! LOOK AWAY!!

I could have lived my entire life believing I was attractive, super-sexy and desirable--while actually being a frump. I could have gone my entire life without hearing someone say, "You look like shit, so you must feel like shit!" Yes, I could have continued walking around, head-held-high and belly a-flopping, with a healthy self-image.

OR

There could be selfless people like my agent and Anna Devane Scorpio Lavery Scorpio Hayward (from The Style Network's "How Do I Look?") to point out my flaws on national television, shred my self-esteem and give me an emotional beat-down by not only telling me that I look freakishly terrible, but that it takes an entire team of professionals to reverse the horrendous damage my detrimental fashion decisions have caused. A whole team of professionals. Just to make me look "normal."

Yes, I suppose I am lucky to receive this constructive criticism.

Sigh...I suppose it's necessary to be embarrassed on national tv so you can look good on the outside.

Self-esteem is a valuable thing to have. At least you can trade your pride for a stylish image!

17 comments:

The Mitz said...

Don't go there KM...you are gorgeous and puuurrrrrfect, just the way you are.

About those makeover shows, did you ever notice that a lot of times the 'chosen one' often looks worse after the experts are finished with them? Whatever you do, dont let them touch your treasured tresses. That's where the real 'after disasters' are evident.

Headbonks, The Mitz

Cheysuli said...

Hmm... Kukka, let's see:

1. It's not a hair style, it's a fashion statement and how would we recognize you if you changed it?

2. Does the Tom cat stable love you as you are--you know those womanly curves? I also say that those stripes you insist on make you look heavy when you're really just the purfect weight.

3. Finally, remember you're a cat. If someone says you aren't super sexy or tries to tear you down, you give 'em "the look", turn your butt to them while saying "I know. I MEANT to do that," and wander off towards those who actually appreciate you.

Have another appletini.

Kukka-Maria said...

You guys are so sweet to bring up points that are so very true and accurate (especially those focusing on me and my super-sexiness).

Chey, you gave some great tips on how to get my "revenge." My agent always tells me my butt is a lethal weapon (some whatnot about gas). I should really use it to my advantage!

Carmen said...

Kukka,
Everyone could change lots of things to match society's idea of beauty. Haven't you seen the Dove campaign's video about how a beautiful woman's picture is doctored for a magazine? You know you're an empress, and I think it was the appletini's clouding your vision. As I recall, it was your agent's fault that you were in the muu muu to begin with.

The Meezers said...

oh Kukka, you are so furry beautiful just as you are! Look at you! Your white furs are the whitest of white - which means that you take a lot of care bafing them. Who cares about belly flab? I has a little pooch too - most of us poodins do. Efen Trixie, at 7 lbs, hadded a belly pooch! And she was just as beautiful as you are! The only fing I would suggest is that you look much purrtier wifuot the eye makeup that you sometimes wear. I purrfer your natural good looks. - Miles

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Misty and I both admire your natural beauty and charm. We think it would be a waste of time for these "makeover teams" to even meet with you. You're an Empress and therefore already perfect. Everyone knows you can't improve upon perfection.

Love,
Tipper

Miranda said...

Lol..Oh I think those guys on those make over shows are the worst dressers. Seriously, would you get advise from them?

Anonymous said...

Kukka,

I've hesitated to mention this before, but I think it's becoming quite obvious that your agent is extremely jealous of you. You're younger, furrier, and you have more nipples.

Sounds like she's begging you to give her a makeover so she can look more like the Empress. Time to call in the "Make Me Over Kukka-syle" team.

Elvin

brandywine said...

Kukka, you know what the difference between a Mumu and a sundress is? (for humans) About 200 pounds! For you that doesn't apply, due to your build....and they say stripes add three pounds. (They say that the camera adds 10 pounds to humans....Oprah must have a half dozen on her at all times,eh? LOL)
I'm not sure where Anon get his/her information from...who says you have more nipples than your agent? Keep up the good fight for the non-makeover cats!

Anonymous said...

You are BEAUTIFUL as always ;).

Xavier said...

You are fabulous just the way you are my Queen.

NOLADawn said...

You don't need to change a thing my dear Kukka!!

William said...

STEP AWAY FROM THE TV!

Anonymous said...

Kukka ... Your agent sounds jealous of your super-sexiness. Don't ... Change ... A ... Thing! You cannot improve upon perfection and you give the rest of us someone to look up to. Like I said ... You're the IT girl everyone aspires to be. No make-over for you.
DaisyMae Maus

Zeus said...

Congratulations, Kukka, on winning the October ROFL Awards! You deserve it!

Renee said...

You didn't look all that concerned about this to me in your picture.

I think that holding a cat up to false human TV standards is silly.

I wish that the media would get a clue and portray humans as they really are instead of having these hollywood types starve themselves to show a fake image of what we are supposed to be.

I'm so glad that not everyone feels the need to look skeletal. GO Kukka!

Anonymous said...

Your agent's just jealous kukka! Dont you dare get a makeover!