I spent the weekend watching make-over shows, realizing I may not be as glamorous as I think I am, and sobbing uncontrollably into my appletini(s).
I mean, everyone who is featured on shows like, "What Not to Wear" and "Ambush Makeover" believes they are super-sexy. They have hand-picked their ridiculously unattractive clothing and have meticulously styled their over-processed and dated hair. They have no clue how repulsive they truly are.
No clue, that is, until they are walking down the street, minding their own business, when a huge camera crew and a host with blinding white teeth runs up to them and says, "You look like shit! Come with us! We can make you look less offensive!"
Could I, too, have a blind-spot? I mean, I think we can all agree I am super-sexy. But, is it possible I could be super-sexier? Is it possible I could be the target of a secret style intervention?
My agent had a sit-down with me yesterday. She made some strong arguments for me to consider being made-over:
- "Kukka, you have had the same hair style your entire life! Don't you think it's time for a change?"
- "With all due respect, Empress, your make-up tends to be a little heavy for a respectable cat...or are you a prostitute? I mean, if you're a whore...carry on!"
- "I've seen you in your muumuu. Do you seriously think you are thin enough to pull something like that off, dear kitty?"
- "You know I mean this in the nicest way, Kukka-Maria, but you do have quite an excessive amount of facial hair for a chick. Yes, I know you're a cat, but still..."
- "You know I'm not judging you, but have you seen the abdominal flab you tote with you? It flops to and fro when you run. And, while we're being honest here, the only time you run is when I shake the treat container. Perhaps some cardio and weight training could help you address...how do I put this nicely...the gruesome blob of goo that is your body."
I get it. I'm hideous.
I'M A MONSTER! LOOK AWAY!!
I could have lived my entire life believing I was attractive, super-sexy and desirable--while actually being a frump. I could have gone my entire life without hearing someone say, "You look like shit, so you must feel like shit!" Yes, I could have continued walking around, head-held-high and belly a-flopping, with a healthy self-image.
There could be selfless people like my agent and Anna Devane Scorpio Lavery Scorpio Hayward (from The Style Network's "How Do I Look?") to point out my flaws on national television, shred my self-esteem and give me an emotional beat-down by not only telling me that I look freakishly terrible, but that it takes an entire team of professionals to reverse the horrendous damage my detrimental fashion decisions have caused. A whole team of professionals. Just to make me look "normal."
Yes, I suppose I am lucky to receive this constructive criticism.
Sigh...I suppose it's necessary to be embarrassed on national tv so you can look good on the outside.
Self-esteem is a valuable thing to have. At least you can trade your pride for a stylish image!